Ahead of myself

For the past couple of weeks I have knuckled down to writing for deadlines tomorrow. It was my birthday yesterday, and I wanted to get everything done for then so I could go out in the evening and celebrate, and I achieved it. At 2.00pm yesterday after printing, re reading, editing and printing again I printed up all the work to be handed in on Friday.

It’s funny thou as soon as I’d finished I began to feel anxious. I wanted to clear up the mound of mess which has built up over the days when I’ve done nothing but write, get out for some food, and then get ready for a night on the town. I seemed to have loads of nervous energy and couldn’t sit still or rest. I cleared up a bit, had a visit from my friend Vicky who’d brought me a lovely glass hanging for my birthday, and then a visit from Ian and Steve. I gave up with trying to achieve an immaculate flat, and when Megs got back from school we heading out for a meal.

I fancied a Jacket potato with mature cheddar, coleslaw and salad. It was lovely and the plate was filled to the brim. It’s always a bit of a gamble what standard of salad you get, and despite loving salad I’m always disappointed if the salad is just lettuce and tomatoes and cucumber. However this salad was piled high with red onions, peppers, carrots, and even some orange. It was very yummy.

We got back in plenty of time for me to have a bath, and use my touch of silver shampoo, which makes my silver hair extra shiny. My friend Dee turned up at about eight, and brought me a bag of presents, only little things she said, however they were a few pounds each at least. I got a posh purple mug, a fairy that sits of the edge of a shelf, a smelly candle and some ‘Dead sea Spa Magik’ magic hair serum which I treat my hair to every so often. I felt really spoilt. And then Teresa turned up and gave me a beautiful beaded candle holder lampshade.

It wasn’t particularly busy at the Open mic. Cyrus was standing in for Helen, who has just had a baby, and worked hard as there weren’t many people getting up and having a go. I would like to have heard more women’s vocals, but it didn’t matter as I was nattering to lots of people. Alice my daughter, and Mark her boyfriend turned up and John, a friend I hadn’t seen for ages, and it was a lovely evening.

I was worried, because as I had been feeling anxious I thought I might get drunk quickly, but I had a couple of gin and redbulls and I think that helped, as when I walked back, not only did I get back in 10 minutes, I managed not to squash one snail, which were all over the pavement. Only downside to that was I still felt wide awake at two o’clock.

Today’s been pretty ok too. I had a lie in and then went to search the charity shops in town. It’s my friend Rachel’s birthday tomorrow and we always get each other something from charity shops. I’m not going to say what I’ve got just in case, but Rach if you’re reading I can’t wait till tomorrow. Despite the rain, which didn’t stop, I had a fun afternoon looking around the shops, and meeting up with a couple of friend’s for a drink. It was a fun afternoon because I had done my work and could take my time instead of rushing in and out of town.

I know the high from getting all the work done is only temporary. I’ve not been doing any of the general organisation of life chores, such as my due MOT, and trying to get housing benefit as I have no money for June’s rent. And on top of that I still have to keep writing, and pitching my work. But for today and maybe tomorrow all that stuff can stay on hold.

It's been a long time since my last blog

Forgive me father for I have sinned, It’s been a long time since my last blog. I know I have nothing to be forgiven for, but isn’t it funny, although I haven’t been brought up under any strict religious denomination, I still feel a stronger sense of responsibility, than is healthy.

Since my last post, Ian hasn’t let me go, he has relentlessly pursued me, and I have stood my ground. The trouble is when he feels Steve needs some space, as I feel responsible for Ian, and I know he has nowhere else to stay, he ends up staying. As I said I’ve stood my ground and nothings happened, despite him trying and saying he’s not going to let me go easily.

However it may finally be sinking in, as on Wednesday night he said he may go back to London, it would be a lot easier for me if he did. Living as he does, crashing at other people’s houses all the time, it’s a lot easier for him to do that where he has a lot of friends.

Anyway it’s all tiring me out. I am feeling totally exhausted, and haven’t had a very productive week. I’ve been trying to write another article for the features unit, however have not got very far with it. With deadlines looming next week, I think I now need to abandon this and work on pieces for assessment.

Thursday night I had a night off, my brother and his girlfriend arrived in Cornwall for a few days, and I went down to meet them for a couple of drinks, which ended up with me being whisked off to Padstow, and eating the best pasta dish I had ever tasted at Rojanos. I hadn’t met Simon’s girlfriend before and we got on really well. I had never really clicked with any of his previous girlfriends, probably due to them being so different to Simon, however they are very alike. Previously Simon has been put off by girlfriends becoming too serious, however when Bridget went off for a minute, he said I think we’re going to be serious. I was really pleased for him. I had a great night, and caught the sun on my face, which has given me panda eyes due to wearing sunglasses.

It’s Saturday today and I’ve had a productive day, I’ve managed to finish off my feature and finish the page by page contents of my book. My brilliant daughter Megs was also able to get us back on the internet, which has just not been happening for a few days. Every time I had tried to get on the internet, it was connecting fine, but couldn’t find any web page’s. I looked to check if any of the wires had come loose, repaired, de-fragged and deleted all my cookies etc. So what did Megan do to get our internet working again? She turned the box on and off, and we’re connected.

It’s been a long writing day, and although my laptops very hot, I feel a bit of surfing coming on.

Young free and single (ok maybe not so young)

It was quite a low beginning to the week, but it got better. After a non productive Monday, rising panic about all the work due in, I was still feeling exhausted on Tuesday. I drove to Falmouth, for a 15 minute tutorial, and got some good comments on my work, which made it worth the journey. I was there for less than an hour and I felt so shattered when I got back I collapsed on the bed.

Around 8 I got a phone call from Ian asking if he could stay, so he could get to the jobcentre the next day. He’s staying at a friend’s who lives in the middle of nowhere. He could get a lift in so I said ok. I didn’t really want to see him. I had been thinking a lot about him being round; that we were slipping back into behaving like a couple which I didn’t want, I shouldn’t be still jumping into bed with him, that we have been walking into town and what would happen if we bumped into ‘the woman’ would he talk to her, how would I react? etc.

With all this confusion the past couple of weeks, and a lot of thinking, I had made up my mind I was going to say that I needed him to stop coming over, it as over and I need to move on. So actually Tuesday night provided an opportunity to have a talk. We talked, I said what was on my mind, he understood why, but it was sad. Sad because it could have been good, sad because I knew it couldn’t be. But also positive, as we had a fun year.

Now I’ve got to stick by my decision, which I know may not be easy. He said he would give up on me if that’s what I wanted, and I said it was, but I’m still not sure that he won’t ring, or turn up on my doorstep. He knows I know he has nowhere else to stay in town, although I don’t think he’ll be turned away by ‘the woman’. Maybe he will leave me be.

I felt stronger the next day. Despite ending up having a late night, I didn’t feel so tired and I was able to write the introduction to my book, as well as taking time to drive my daughter to minor injuries, as she twisted a ligament during a long jump at school. Meg’s knee wasn’t too bad, after a few hours she stopped limping so much, and today it’s a lot better.

Today I took my laptop into uni, and between a bit of a class, and tutorials I edited three articles for assessment. Looking back at the week, it seems that when I lifted a load off my mind, I got my energy back.

Only just this minute (Thursday evening 9.30), Ian’s walked through the door.

It’s 9.00 in the morning, (Friday) so the ‘today’ I wrote above now means yesterday. As you know Ian turned up, he had walked the 6 ½ miles from the caravan as he wanted to make a phone call in the morning (he didn’t have any credit on his phone). It was ok we had a good natter about allsorts including his songs. He’s a very talented songwriter and had just written a new song. Here’s a line from it;

“My lifes a pantomime I think a lot of me is fake. I walk a thin line between reality and escape”

We talked about how, sometimes he doesn’t know where the words come from, and then he looks at them afterwards and says ‘oh that’s what I’m feeling’. We had quite a deep conversation about childhood and how we carry stuff through to adulthood etc, and we talked about moving on from each other. He slept on the sofa.

Now I’ve warmed up my writing muscles by finishing off this posting, I need to get on with the serious stuff.

Off for an early night

Just realised it’s my birthday 2 weeks after my brother’s birthday, which is this Wednesday, and all our work is due in two days after that. So what have I done to ensure I’m on the track to getting everything finished? I’ve sat on my arse, staring at the laptop. I think the thought of it all has tired me out.

Or could it be because I spent Friday extreme spring cleaning well into the evening, prior to my landlord’s visit on Saturday, had a couple of fun energetic evenings, and then on Sunday packed up Tamsin’s belongings into the car, drove to Exeter, unloaded and drove back? Whatever the reasons, I feel absolutely shattered, braindead, and have not actually achieved much today, apart from having a blood test, for thyroid again. I hope it shows something up this time, it would explain my constant tiredness.

Oh no wait a minute, I’ve also finally set up a link so I can change my website. Anyway that’s it, I’m off to get an early night.

I've got to write something down

I’ve got to write something down, to try and work out, what needs to come out of my head. I feel completely drained, and low, even though I went into Uni and saw friends, and had a really good class. I’m putting it down to having time on my own to think today, which I haven’t had for a few days. Time to ponder on how I feel about Ian being around, whether I should have kept him more at arms length etc.

When I got back I popped to the shop, and saw Ian’s sister in law, who said that Ian had been round twice shouting at her. Immediately I started feeling like shit, I didn’t need this, I’m not getting involved, will they blame me for letting him stay?, should I have let him stay?, would it have been easier if I hadn’t? (for me and for them)

So I get back to find him on the house phone to London (one very annoying thing about him is that I often find him on the house phone when I get back from somewhere). When I’m here he normally drop calls people, but how do I know whether he’s phoned them or they’ve phoned him when I’m not there.

After he got off the phone, he just ranted and ranted, about how he’d told her what he felt, how apparently his brother wants to hit him, and he’s got to go and see him and get it over with. It’s a long complicated story line, Ian and his family. I won’t bore you with it. I don’t want all this again, I don’t need the hyper moods, and I’m realising I was wrong to let him in again. It was great to see him at first, but the past few days he’s been annoying me. He had started doing things he used to, such as ranting, and winding Megan up. When those two get together, it’s like dealing with two hyperactive naughty loud children.

I also felt he was spinning me a yarn. I had a feeling about the phone calls he got, between the ranting this evening. When he said he was talking to his sister he called her sweetheart, which he says to many friends who are women, even my friends which they’ve got used to. However I’ve heard him chat on the phone loads in the past year, and he has never called his sister sweetheart. Something just didn’t ring true. Whatever my reasons for these thoughts, it shows the trust has gone, and once that’s gone it’s over.

I was saved by the doorbell. My friends Dee and Steve turned up. Steve was taking Ian to his place for the night, and then coming back for Dee, as they had to be at friends for eight. At 20past eight he turned up. Ian had persuaded him to call round at his brothers on the way, and apparently Ian and his brother had a big row, there was lots of screaming, walking up and down the street, banging of doors etc. I felt awful for Steve. Steve really likes Ian, and wanted him to stay and not go back to London before, however I worry about Ian imposing himself. It’s the same feeling I had with my ex husband, I felt responsible for his actions, and felt guilty when he let anyone down.

I know it’s wrong for me to feel like this. Guilt is a completely useless emotion.

Anyway I’m on my own. I can relax. Yeah!!!! Writing this down has really helped, I’m not feeling as low. I’m still feeling pretty drained but that’s nothing a goods night sleep won’t fix. I only hope Ian either decides to go back to London, or if he decides to stay at Steve’s, it’s because Steve’s happy with that, and that he pays his way. The past couple of days have reinforced why I can’t have Ian in my life. I wasn’t strong but I’ll know to be next time he visits.

It's so confusing.

Back at Uni today and looking forward to seeing all my friends. I haven’t finished my Industry analysis, due in on Friday, but hope to get stuck into that this evening and tomorrow. Then just to add to the stress my landlords calling round on Saturday, so after hand in there’s no rest; I need to blitz the house. While I’ve got lots of writing to do, I don’t get much clearing up done, and the little jobs like cleaning the cupboards etc get left completely. So after hand in on Friday I’ve got to come back and clean.

On top of that I’ve had Ian staying, and it looks like he may give Cornwall another go. He’s going to stay at a friends tonight and I’m hoping he can stay there most of the time. I don’t need him around. It’s been a confusing few days, I know there are feelings there, I’ve enjoyed the cuddling, the company etc, but I know I can’t go there. In this case it’s right to let my head override my heart. He doesn’t work, he has no money, and he cowers from responsibility, and it’s been like that since we met. His rebelness I was attracted to, in the first place, is not what I need. After a year he hasn’t changed, if I am to be in a relationship with anyone, I need someone who will at least pay their way. And someone who will not go off on a bender and end up in someone’s bed. The trust has definitely still gone, and you need trust in a relationship.

Maybe jumping into bed was not a good idea, it’s enabled us to get comfortable with each other again. But I know in my mind he’s not the man for me, because of the way he is. Maybe I should have been strong and kept him at arms length. Although I am strong verbally, in that I’ve been clear I don’t want to be with him. I’ve contradicted that by getting intimate with him. We’ll just have to see how this week goes, if he can stay at his friends more permanently etc. I know with him in Cornwall it’s going to be more difficult I want to move on with my life, not be reminded of my feelings and the hurt all the time.

What if we do manage to go our separate ways, and I see him flirting with women in the pub, how will I feel? For me it’s easier if he goes back to London, but that’s completely selfish. It’s very rough where he lives, although it has a good community feel about it. On the downside he’s surrounded by alcoholics, drug addicts and violence up there. Who can blame him from wanting to escape? It’s so difficult and so confusing.

Who was I kidding?

Why did I have a bath on Thursday afternoon and shave all my legs etc, if I was going to be strong, and not jump into bed with Ian? Who was I kidding? As soon as I saw him we hugged and kissed, and it felt right. We talked; he told me he thinks about me every day, that he was such an idiot for messing it up. I told him I was pleased to see him (I didn’t know whether I would be), that we can’t go back to being a couple, but could be good friends.

As the night went on it was getting clear that the physical attraction is still there, and we kind of decided maybe we’ll be friends that sleep together every so often. After 6 weeks of no sex, the night turned out to be very satisfying. So was I weak? I have my needs, and we’re very compatible that way, I don’t know whether I’ll ever find that sexual comfort zone with anyone else. A relationship should be based on love and trust, and not just sex. I have made it clear I can’t be anything more than a friend; I need to be single at the moment, as I have too much to do. Also I can’t be let down again. I don’t need someone who is essentially a drifter and always will be. Ian knows this, and I think he understands where I’m coming from.

Having sex with an ex is bit like getting drunk, we know that getting drunk is probably not a good idea, but we still go ahead and do it again and again.

The dangers of Gin and Tonic

What a hectic week, I finished the work placement, and learnt a lot from it, such as how to knock out articles quickly, and write for the style of the publication. I also think my editing has improved. Now all I have to do is to write my Industry analysis.

Problem is today I have a hangover and can’t seem to focus on work. I went out to the Open mic last night. As I’ve only been treating myself to the little bottles of wine as part of my calorie counting, I got quite drunk after drinking G&T’s all night. I didn’t realise how much until I started to walk home, and it was a struggle to get back. I fell over a couple of times, and have bruises on my hands and under my chin!!? I hope nobody saw me.

Needless to say I’m feeling low today, and was cheered up by reading the lovely comments on my blog postings.

Ian’s coming down to Cornwall for a few days and we’re catching up tonight. I am actually looking forward to seeing him, although I know it will probably be easier not to. Seeing him may stir up my emotions and maybe bring back the hurt. But he’s coming down as a friend not a lover and hopefully it’ll be ok. I’m going to be strong.

Anyway I’m feeling pretty brain dead, which is my own fault, so it’s only a short posting. Now I’m not doing work experience, I will be back to posting more regularly again.

Tamsin's all grown up

You’ve been hearing about if for weeks, and now it’s finally here, I’m officially old. I now have a twenty year old daughter. She’s no longer a teenager. We’ve just been out for a meal in a supposedly posh restaurant. The service was great, but apart from a couple of good choices, over all the food was disappointing. Poor Tamsin didn’t go much for any of her food, and it was her birthday. I was careful, but knew the diet was off the cards for the day.

I’m quite disappointed how I’m doing on my diet. I’ve been eating on average about 1400 calories a day, and it’s got easier to keep my calories down, as I’ve gone along. I’ve always been interested in nutrition, and I’ve also been making sure I include all the foods groups I need within that calorie count. The problem is for the past few weeks I haven’t seemed to lose any weight.

Since about a year after my initial breakdown, I’ve wondered whether maybe I have a thyroid problem (an under active thyroid). One of the functions of the thyroid is enabling cells to covert oxygen and calories into energy. Symptoms of an under active thyroid include fatigue, depression, and weight gain. My mental state seems to be linked with getting really tired, when I get too tired I’ll get really low. There sometimes doesn’t seem to be any other link, other than that the tiredness triggers the depression.

The fact that I’m not losing weight seems to reinforce this feeling of mine. I am being really strict, and even if I eat a couple of squares of chocolate I will work out the calories. I’ve been quite obsessive. I weigh everything. I work it all out very thoroughly every day. So I should be losing weight, but I’m not. I have had a couple of blood tests to check my thyroid, which hasn’t confirmed my theory, but the levels of thyroid hormone fluctuate, and I don’t believe these tests are conclusive.

I’m going to mention it again the next time I see the doctor.

Anyway I have an adult in the house, and she's currently snuggling up with her boyfriend watching a dvd, while I'm in bed with my laptop (sounds excitng doesn't it). She had a bit of a party night, last night, to celebrate her birthday. As it's such a small town, the Open mic night affects the whole town and apart from the weekend Wednesday is the night to go out.

I think she had a good day.

Meg's migraine

I was going to write on my blog yesterday to say don’t expect much of me this week, as I’ve been so shattered. I’ve been doing work experience and in two days have been to a brilliant Organic media fair, about local inspiring organic businesses, and written up two articles. When I’ve got home I’ve not been capable of doing anything much.

Today didn’t go quite so well, it started off ok, as I fine polished the articles, and chased up a quote or two. However I then started research for an article, which an hour later found out had been double booked, and someone else was doing it. So I was given the other part of the feature which is all about Green homes. I didn’t really mind, because I had to verify quite technical stuff about Volatile Organic Compounds released from paints, and the amount of toxic waste there is from the production of paint. It was interesting, but I don’t have a very technical mind. I prefer the new piece I’m doing, it’s more me.

So I had just about started when I got a call from Megs, in a very distressed state, she was feeling sick, was shaky, and had a terrible headache. She was crying so much I could hardly hear what she was saying, and she was having trouble speaking. Panic stations, trouble was even if I left right away I was over an hour away, and she needed someone to be there with her till I got back. I rang Tamsin (who’s 20 tomorrow), and was out getting a birthday tattoo, but she hadn’t been yet and was in Newquay. I rang my friend but she wasn’t in, and her mobile went to voicemail. So I rang Megs who had just been sick, and said I would be there as soon as possible. I actually got back in five minutes over an hour. I didn’t speed but the roads were pretty clear. Total guilt trip all the way back, what kind of mother am I to leave a 14year old daughter at home etc. Even though she’s completely capable of looking after herself, and normally happy to, as she can have friends round without mum about, the guilt still eats into you. Guilt is a completely useless emotion.

Megs looked awful, there was no colour in her face she was cold and clammy, and when she did try and speak she couldn’t get her words out. She was sick again as I came in, but she said the worse thing was her head. I got a cold wet flannel for her head, but couldn’t give her any painkillers because she was feeling sick. There wasn’t much I could do, I kept changing the flannel. She unfortunately does suffer from headaches, and this seemed like an extreme migraine. When her right hand went numb, and then the whole arm, I decided to call the doctor. I asked, if was possible to speak to a doctor over the phone as there was no way I would be able to get her into the surgery. I was put through to the doctor on call, I described the symptoms, he talked to Megs on the phone, who was clearly having trouble talking, and then said he would come right over. He was here in 10 minutes. I was amazed but very grateful.

After questioning and checking her out really thoroughly, he decided to give her a couple of injections, one for pain relief and one to stop her feeling sick. It was a migraine; apparently you can get numbness in the body with migraine. The problem is Megs has had a problem with needles, the dentist had to send her to a hospital dentist to be given gas, before she can have an injection. She has tried twice to get her ears pierced, but not been able to. She was so out of it, I thought she might be able to do it this time, or at least think it would be worth it to stop the pain and sickness. Unfortunately at the first sight of the needle she couldn’t do it.

The only other alternative was suppositories, so the doctor wrote me out a prescription. He was here at least half and hour, which I was grateful for. However even though he was the on call doctor, he still had patients with appointments to see him while he was out. Which in my eyes, is another example of a failing NHS. See previous posting (lack of communication within NHS).

Luckily Tamsin was back, the tattoo shop was closed, so I was able to go down to pick them up. She had settled a bit, and wasn’t sure at first whether she wanted the suppositories. I don’t blame her, do you? I just wrote I didn’t want to push it, meaning I didn’t want to pressurize her, and it made me laugh, but you know what I mean. She dosed on and off for a bit and then was sick again, so she decided to let me administer them (nicest way to put it). Within 15 minutes she was sick again, and then sat up saying she was feeling better. She didn’t look so out of it. Since then she’s slept on and off, her head was still hurting but not enough to stop her sleeping.

A few hours later
The pain killer suppository has worn off, and although she’s not as out of it as she was earlier, she is feeling sick again and her heads feeling very painful. I’m not going to go in tomorrow, there’s no way I can leave her. So I also have the guilt trip, about not managing to stick at a work placement. I am going to work on the article tomorrow in the day, and will actually probably get more done at home, but I am sure I will need to go in an extra day next week, to get everything finished and gather enough information for my Industry analysis. So far I’ve been so involved in the work, I haven’t been able to learn much about how the whole process of managing and producing their magazine. The only problem is I have so much work to do for Uni, it breaks into the time I have to do that.

Whatever happens my children come first, and if I’m not able to hand in complete versions of my assignments, as long as I can catch up before they are handed in for assessment, it’s not a big problem. The only assessed pieces, due in 2 weeks are the Industry analysis, and the website which is now online.

Megs is sleeping in with me tonight, I think its going to be a long one.

Summer fun

It would be wonderful, if friends I have made on this course could catch up and have a break over the summer. I realise this may not be possible because of deadlines over the summer, which I have avoided due to giving myself longer to get my book together, and deferring the MA unit.
However these are my only 2holidays I allow myself in the year. It would be great if any of you could make it to any of these lovely festival weekends. www.maker.ik.org & www.beautifuldays.org.uk

Reaching a milestone

It’s a big moment. I’ve now filled a A4 notebook with notes from interviews, 1st drafts of all sorts of writing, including blog postings, and song lyrics of songs I would like to sing at the open mic night. As I don’t play guitar, I have written down lyrics that I would like to sing acappela.

In my last posting I mentioned I am going to practice some songs with my friend Cyrus. I approached him initially, saying I had a song I wanted to sing which was the ‘Littlest birds’ by the Be good Tanya’s, and we decided on ‘There’s a guy works round the chip shop swears he Elvis’ by Kirstie MacColl as the other song we could do. We practised them for a few weeks but I only got to do them once.

Not playing any instruments to accompany myself I have relied on someone to accompany me, but Cyrus is not there every week, so I have been looking for songs I can sing unaccompanied. If I want to have a go at singing, I can’t rely on people accompanying me.

A favourite song of mine is ‘Homophobia’ by Chumba Wamba and I would love to do that one, but being in a small town, some of the people (not all) out and about in the pubs have a bit of an ignorant point of view, and I don’t know how it will go down. I WILL sing it, but need to get a bit more established singing at the open mic before I do. Actually chances are no-one will be listening anyway, as often everyone’s a little pissed and chatting, although I would actually like people to take notice of the words, as they are very powerful. The other song I would like to sing is the Clash’s ‘Bank robber’, which is a fun song and is easily sung acappela. After I have sung ‘littlest birds’ a couple of times I will hopefully have the opportunity to sing these 2songs.

I will just continue with my quest to firstly sing with Cyrus, and then to sing without accompaniment, as they haven’t got the musicians turning up that used to. I want to sing, I have a good voice, I have a strong voice, and I want the opportunity to show it.

Muddling on

It’s been a busy week writing, but it seems like I haven’t got much done. I’ve almost finished four pages of an eight page spread of a ‘blad’ for my book. A blad is basically an eight page spread showing example pages from your book. It provides commissioning publishers etc with an idea of the finished product. The trouble is every time I read it, I edit it and change it more, and with the limited time I have left to finish it, I should really be concentrating on the other four pages.

I did go out on Wednesday night again to the Open mic, and have arranged to practice a of couple songs with my friend who accompanies me on guitar, and then hopefully get up and sing it. I was going to do it next week, and then I remembered I had the work experience, so I won’t be going. I had a go last year, but only got to do it once. The past couple of times I have been to the Open mic, it seems that not so many musicians are turning up, so they’re keen for me to sing.

I’ll be fine singing as long as ‘the woman’ is not in my view. She made her presence known more on Wednesday, but I still successfully managed to ignore her. She didn’t seem to be with anyone, and if she wasn’t flirting with someone, she was standing on her own. Not that I feel sorry for her. The way she is, is the reason women don’t want to talk to her much. You make your bed and you lie in it.

Anyway it’s bit of a short post today. I’m getting hungry and need to make some food. I’m still calorie counting and trying to lose weight, but despite eating mostly salads, my jeans are still tight. I am losing lb’s slowly, and I suppose the slower it comes off the easier it will be to maintain my desired weight. Ta Ta for now

Sometimes you don't need to write to have a productive day

Today or rather yesterday was not a productive day when it comes to writing, but was productive in the preparation for writing. First off I went to the housing benefit office. Opening post and dealing with paperwork fills me with dread. It’s been 5months since I started the course and it’s only today, I took the evidence in to say I’m a student, and get a discount on my council tax. As well as this I was making a claim for housing benefit, and had to make arrangements to pay towards the summons I got last week (see Facing demons post)

I spent over an hour there, and a lot of the time I probably made the woman helping me quite uncomfortable, by my constant tears. I felt completely drained afterwards, and couldn’t get my head round any writing.

Later however, my friend came round, who had inspired me in the first place, to write a book about vaginal medical conditions. The plan was interview her more on lichen sclerosus (LS), specifically this time looking at alternative remedies she has used. What had worked for her, and what hadn’t. We spent a few hours working, chatting, and eating dinner. We gathered a lot of information that I’m sure would be really useful for women with LS to read.

Then after bidding her farewell, I checked my emails. I start work experience at Vitality matters (www.vitalitymatters.org.uk) on Monday, and had an email from the editor. I have had 2articles already published in their magazine. They want me to go to an Organic Business media event on Monday, where small local organic businesses will be promoting themselves. They want me to write an article on Cut4cloth www.cut4cloth.co.uk, a Cornish based company that specialises in making clothing for babies, using natural organically grown cotton, which fits around a cloth nappy. When my daughters were babies I used cloth nappies, and found that babygro’s etc did not fit around them, so I feel this really fits a niche in the market. It’s very exciting to get right in there on my first day, and I’m really looking forward to it.

I also had an email telling me my website was online. As I’m a bit of a technophobe, I didn’t know what I was doing to set it up myself. All the pages are exactly as I had built, and designed them using the dreamweaver package, on the University’s computers. It looks great, all the links work. The only thing I want to change is some of the writing samples, as I have edited and improved them since I designed the site. I have added a link to my website, from this blog. It’s quite basic but I think its good enough for commissioning editors, and publications that may pay me for articles, to get an idea of who I am.

I may not have done any actual writing today, apart from on my blog, and comments on others, but my day has been productive in other ways.

Writing an Opinion piece

After days in isolation, stuck in my bedroom, so Tams and Megs didn’t get my horrible bug, I’ve been able to venture into the front room and beyond, and felt well enough to do some work. With four days of not writing, I have been panicking about the time I have to do the amount of writing I need to do. However today I have actually managed to almost finish my opinion piece for the features unit.

While I was ill, I caught up on reading newspapers I had lying around. 11 years ago I did my Access course final project on the portrayal of drugs by the media. It was titled ‘More harm than good. A study into the effects of the portrayal of drugs, and their users, by the media.’ The ‘moral panic’ at the time was focused on the drug ecstasy. In a complete turn around, last week, the Independent on Sunday (IOS) apologised for campaigning for the decriminalisation of cannabis 10 years ago, saying the rise in the production of skunk, means that now it is more dangerous than ecstasy. They put forward that super strength skunk is responsible for a rise in teenage schizophrenia, and should be upgraded again.

Bullshit, I’m sorry, but they have based their articles on inconclusive evidence, and inconsistent facts. They say that skunk available now is 25 times stronger than ‘traditional cannabis resin’. They have basically compared the weakest cannabis 10 years ago to the strongest available today, to distort the facts and to support their argument. What they don’t acknowledge was that this super strength skunk has been on the market for many years, including the period when they were calling for decriminalisation 10 years ago.

In my opinion it is undeniable that smoking cannabis heavily, does exasperate mental illness, and increase feelings of paranoia. However it is more likely that people with developing mental health problems, look to cannabis as a means of self medication and escape for a while, than the idea that cannabis causes severe mental problems. They are a very small minority of the cannabis smoking population. Upgrading cannabis again will only affect the millions (9 million+ according to IOS) who smoke cannabis with no damaging effects to themselves or society.

As you can probably guess the IOS report is the subject of my opinion piece, and I have pulled it apart. I will put it on my Jax writer’s spot blog when I have finished it. So I’ve had a good writing day and I hope this trend continues, it needs to if I’m going to get all my work done.

Rant about the NHS

Woke up yesterday morning, and started having lower abdominal pains, sickness and was hot and cold. I had stomach cramps, which only lasted for a few minutes, but were so painful they had me in tears. I stayed in bed all day and around 5oclock, Megs and Tams insisted I go to the doctors, so Tams took me down. Without an appointment, we had rung up just before we left, I was seen within 5 minutes, as there was nobody else waiting.

The doctor checked me out, and she was quite thorough. I was very tender all over the stomach area, so she ensured me I probably wasn’t pushing my coil out, which I had done about 15 years ago, and was wondering if it might be that. I also had a temperature, and it looked like it was a bug that she had seen in about 4 people that day. I was relieved, she gave me a prescription for some pain killers that would help the pain, and help with the diarrhoea I was most likely to experience next. Sorry to be so blunt.

I have just opened the pain killers, and it’s actually made me quite angry. I have been thinking today of how I’m going to write an opinion piece, for my features unit. I had thought I would write a piece about the waiting time to see a doctor. Today was definitely a break from the norm of waiting often up to an hour, to see the doctor. When you suffer from anxiety, waiting for the doctor is not a pleasant experience, the more I wait the worse I feel, and by the time I get in there, I’m tearful and appear to be a complete wreck.

Why am I angry? I’m angry, because of the excess demands on anyone trying to provide a service, and because communication is so slack, communication that could cost lives. I opened the packet of painkillers, Co-codamol, and I’ve been given 50 of them, the packet was bulging as it was so over packed. I fanned them out and looked at them, enough to end it all. The first thought that hit me was why give me so many? Stomach bugs normally only last a few days. Did she even look at my past history?

I am angry because I’ve really needed the help from the NHS and haven’t received it. I have needed support, but they haven’t given me the support I need. I had a CPN for about a year, and because of the way I am (I can be ok one day, and then the next I’m a mess) she saw me on a couple of better days and let me go. I’m angry because at 40 with three daughters, I asked about sterilisation and was told it was unlikely they would agree because of my mental health. Just because I get a bit depressed doesn’t mean I am not absolutely sure sterilisation is right for me. But apparently I can’t make my own decisions.

I’m angry because every time I crash a bit, by the time I get to see a counsellor (normally about 2 months later), I don’t need the support as much as I did when I asked for it. And I’m angry because I took a couple of Co-codamol, which has helped with the pain, but because of their constipating affect I can’t poo. My body feels like a good poo would really sort it out.

I don’t want sympathy, I just want support. Due to financial constraints, time constraints, and most probably too much unnecessary paperwork, the NHS is failing me and probably many others. I’m not about to take the entire packet of painkillers, but someone else given the opportunity could well do.

Having this rant has made me realise it may not be a good idea to do an opinion piece on the NHS, as it probably won’t be very objective.

Now I’ve added links and have friends popping over to see my postings, I have been worried about writing depressing posts, and wondered whether I should only post happy posts. However before I added the links I found writing things down really therapeutic. It gets it out of your head, and helps make you feel stronger. Having people reading my posts, has also made me focus on writing something positive in each post, which definitely helps. This is the positive bit. So I’m going to carry on being completely selfish, and honest about what’s going on for me.

Facing demons

Yesterday was a ‘facing my demons’ sort of day. First off I went to parents evening at Meg’s school. It is always utter chaos, with the so called appointment system completely disregarded. You basically go from one queue to another. Suffering from anxiety, especially in crowds, it’s not my favourite occasion. I was there for two hours and saw 6 teachers. As I was waiting to see the last one I felt the tears coming, and managed to hold them back, and was so pleased to get out of there.

I had arranged to go down to the open mic, with some friends later in the evening, and as well as feeling drained from the parent’s evening, my stomach was in my heart, thinking about meeting ‘the woman’. My friends turned up and we had a couple of G&T’s, before going out, which did calm my nerves. Anyway I walked in and she was there wearing a little very short suit type thing. Apparently she had worked the room already. After being there for about 10 minutes she came up to me smiling saying ‘Jacqui’, in a pleased to see me sort of way. I just said ‘I don’t want to talk to you’ and walked away. I didn’t crumble, I didn’t call her a slag (although I secretly wished I had).

I really enjoyed the evening, I saw friends I hadn’t seen for ages, her presence didn’t bother me. She saw me smiling, having a good time with lots of friends around me. Helen later came up to me, and said Mel had asked her to ask me if she could talk to me. I told her to tell Mel she could fuck right off. I had been so nervous about going, and combined with people buying me drinks, I did end up a bit drunk, but I didn’t do anything to make a fool of myself.

The only problem is I know when I’m not brilliantly well, that a night drinking has a big effect on my mood the next day. Despite knowing I enjoyed myself, and I presented the image of ‘I’m not bothered’ successfully, I can’t shake the blues today. I think maybe I also did too much yesterday.

It also didn’t help that I got a summons in the post this morning. It was for Council tax on my old place back in 2004. When we sold the house I went to the council tax office, and said I wanted to pay everything I owed on that property, and they presented me with a figure that I paid. Unfortunately they did not mention this £330.00. I thought it was all square, and now when I’ve got no money left, and have no idea how I’m going to afford my extortionately high rent, they hit me with this. I am so annoyed that when I went to pay off all my arrears last year, they didn’t give me the correct figure to pay, and now I have to go and see them and make an arrangement to pay them. I’m also really pissed off as it’s my ex husbands debt as well as mine, and I know he’ll just say well I haven’t got any money if I ask him for something towards this bill.

Anyway I’m just telling myself this mood will pass, it is probably to do with drinking too much last night, and hopefully tomorrow I’ll be back to firing on all cylinders again.

Vagina fact

I think I’m getting there, the past couple of days I’ve been able to focus on writing. I’ve written up my profile for features, and managed to redo my non fiction book competition sheet, in the format required (in two columns) which was actually easy. I am writing a book on medical conditions of the vaginal area, which I decided to do, as I have a friend with lichen sclerosus, and despite it being quite common it’s not well known about. In my book women with such conditions, are going to be put forward the experts, and with a mixture of information and women’s stories I hope it will be an empowering useful book.
So last night, after doing a satisfying amount of work, I started to read Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues. I had gone to see the play a couple of years ago and it was brilliant. It’s eye opening, and thought provoking. So far she’s spoken to women who have gone through cultural genital mutilation, women who have been raped. There have been some less depressing stories as well; such as an over 60’s woman’s view of her vagina, and a young woman discovering where her clitoris is. Monologues are intermingled with facts, and I had tried to remember this one since I went to see the play. At the play we all chanted this at regular occasions throughout the evening:

Vagina Fact
“The clitoris is pure in purpose. It is the only organ in the body designed purely for pleasure. The clitoris is simply a bundle of nerves: 8,000 nerve fibres, to be precise. That’s a higher concentration of nerve fibres than is found anywhere else in the body, including the fingertips, lips, and tongue, and it is twice….twice….twice…the number in the penis. Who needs a handgun, when you’ve got a semiautomatic.”
From Woman, An intimate geography, by Natalie Angier

Definitely a reason for women to celebrate.

Replacing negative with positive.

I‘ve just seen ‘the woman’ at the supermarket. I don’t know whether she saw me before, as she was making her way to the checkout. Seeing her knocked me sideways, although I knew the day would come. At first I stared at her with a definite ‘you bitch’ sort of look, and then the nerves got me and I walked up the aisle. Despite having finished my shopping, I wandered up and down the next aisle so she could pay and leave, so I wouldn’t have to see her again. I wasn’t ready for it, my heart was pounding, and I felt completely vulnerable. Why should I feel like this? I haven’t done anything wrong.

I walked out of the shop, with my shoulders back, in a confident manner just in case she was still in the car park. I got back still feeling wobbly, despite telling myself I’m strong, I’m able to not let this bring me down etc. So I decided to do something positive. A couple of weeks ago now, (after Ian had gone) I started calorie counting. Clothes that were loose on me in September were getting really tight on me. As well as being unhappy about my weight gain, it was really the fact I can’t afford to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe in a bigger size, which kick started the diet.

I’ve been spending a few minutes a day working out my calorie count for the day, so that’s what I did. I have been finding it easier as I go along to work out calories, and am getting a good idea of what to avoid. I’ve always been interested in nutrition, and I’m not cutting out any thing I need in my diet. All in all, I’m eating very healthily at the moment. After the first week I lost a lb, and at the end of this week I have lost 2. It’s coming off slowly, which is the best way I think as you have longer to establish a habit of healthy eating.

At this rate, I will be back to my happy size in time for warmer weather. Which seems a long way away; with the weather we’re having at the moment. It’s sooooo cold. Am off to snuggle under duvets.

mothers day

It’s Mothers day, and I was greeted this morning, with a cup of coffee, and a big wrapped up box. Megan had got me a foot spa, and Tamsin got me a book token. How mother’s days have changed. It’s getting more and more commercial, it used to be just about a card and giving your mum a lovely day. Don’t get me wrong, I love the pressies, and they made me feel special, but I also feel it’s a shame mother’s day has changed so much. It seems like its any excuse to get people to part with their money.

Thinking of my mum, I went out to find some flowers yesterday, and found the shop almost sold out, except for bunches costing £20. How can anyone justify spending £20 on flowers that are likely to be dead in a week? I was just thinking ‘Oh well I’ll go and get a card,’ when I had a brainwave, I decided to make a card.

I got back, and went over a few ideas in my head, and having settled on a card using some lovely wool I had, I got creative. I need to be creative occasionally, I don’t mean being creative with words, I mean being creative with textures and colours. I find it’s really therapeutic, and at the end you have something beautiful to look at. I was really pleased with the card, and I’m sure my Mum will appreciate it more than a bunch of flowers.

For all you Mother’s out there, have a lovely day.

P.S Megs has just talked me through putting photo's on my blog. I was wondering why my photos had dissapeared, and it was because she had used her photobucket account, and had deleted my photo's. So we set up my own photobucket account, and I'm all singing and dancing again. Check out my beady creations on my 'Good writing night' post in December 06.

P.P.S For a posting of some interesting quotes, check out my other blog Jax writers spot.

Take your Mama out all night

Last night I went out and had a brilliant night with my daughter and her mates. Megan was going on a sleepover, and I’d just had a funky haircut, so I thought I should seize the opportunity, and go out on the town. No one I knew was going out, but Tamsin said come out with me, and I was so glad I did.

We went to the Swan which had a band playing. They did covers, and did them well. They did Nirvana teen spirit, and other equally rocking tracks. The pub was filled with young people, and at first I felt a bit like the odd one out, but after a few drinks I loosened up a bit, and felt comfortable. I spoke to some of my daughter, Alices’s friends (Alice had only left a few minutes before I got there), and was made to feel very welcome by Tamsin’s friends.

I’d had a good day (mood wise), which was lucky, as I’d only been there half an hour when Ian’s brother Paul, and his girlfriend Helen (who I have known for years) came in, with Paul’s kids. I was enjoying myself, and I didn’t crumble, which I thought I would do if I saw them. In the time I was with Ian, I saw Paul’s kids a lot, and have lovely memories of time spent with them. It was great to see them. Paul and Helen also did a set, which was great. They run the Open mic night, (on a Wednesday), which I don’t get to now because of an early start on a Thursday morning, and I’ve missed their music.

Tamsin and I nattered all night, and she told me tonight how she was pissed off at her dad, because he’s abandoned his responsibilities, not so much to her as she’s older but to Megan. She realises he needed to go to India and follow his dreams, and acknowledges it’s maybe what he needed. But she is annoyed at the lack of monetary contribution he’s given, and acknowledges how much support whether it’s been financial or not, is always available from me.

She also said she understood why we split up. When her dad was around he would take his bad mood out on the nearest person, and she said how after he had gone the house was much more chilled.

She told me she’d thought she’d had a good upbringing, and how her upbringing helped her to be an independent person. It meant so much to me to hear this. Especially as with all my daughters, they saw me as a complete mess for a fair few months. And since then, they have seen me go down again and again. Tamsin is a very strong beautiful young woman and I’m so proud of her. I am so proud of all of my kids they are all very interesting individual spirits.

She also revealed how worried she was about me about a year and a half ago, she was worried I might do something stupid, such as end it all. It was good to have such a completely honest chat with her, as I was able to say, I would have never have done anything, because I knew I had my 3girls to be there for. That’s the only thing that kept me going.

Through all the years my kids have seen lots of crap, most of the time they’ve had 2 fairly unconventional parents. Their voices have always been important, to me. To be told I’ve been a good mother, when all along I’ve been thinking what a mess I’ve made of it all, was absolutely brilliant.

Tamsin is twenty in a couple of weeks, another big milestone, no longer a teenager. Her turning twenty soon has been making me feel old, however sitting, chatting, and laughing with a group of her friends in the pub, made me feel quite young. I didn’t feel out of place at all. I was reminded again of my age, when I was introduced to lads, (or rather men), I remember as little ones playing outside in the cul de sac we used to live in. It was a most enjoyable and enlightening evening.

Sometimes you don't have to wait till tomorrow to feel better

I have stayed on blogger since my last posting, as I decided to read around a few more friend’s blogs. They’ve all got links to other sites, and I had been too cowardly earlier to change my template, in order to add links. But thinking I needed to learn not to be so scared of technology, I took the plunge. It was easy, and it looks exactly the same, which I’m pleased with. I was worried they wouldn't have a template I liked. I then went to add links, and added 4 links, only one of which worked. I had been guessing the url based on the names of the blogs.

So I thought that’s ok, I can email and ask for the url’s, and carried on looking around. Then (light bulb moment), I realised the addresses were displayed on the toolbar. How stupid am I? So I did it, I added links to blogs, and when my website is live in a couple of weeks I can add that too. It’s all exciting stuff.

Only trouble is now I don’t feel like I can sleep, I’m too tired to try and focus on some work. I could read my book, which unusually, I’m taking a long time to get through. Or I could find something worth watching on the television. But I think I’m going to read some more blogs.

Tomorrow's another day

Well it’s certainly been a week of ups and downs. Some days I’ve felt almost positive, that I’m getting there, that things are achievable. And other days, I’ve been in trying to hold back the tears mode, with everything in my life seeming completely hopeless and unmanageable.

Tuesday, for example, I was fine. I joined in, in the features class, and got good feedback for my piece. Soon after getting home, I emailed my first pitch to write an article for a magazine. Yet it was a wobbly Wednesday, and today I’ve just about managed to muddle through.

I cheered myself up for a bit this afternoon, by checking up on my friend’s blogs, which are all really good. I read three accounts, of last Friday night, when a group of fellow students were roughly manhandled out of a night club, because one of them nodded off. Not because they were dancing on the tables, or involved in a fight, but because my friend put her head down on a sofa. I’ve seen the bruises on my friends arm.

I’ve now broken up for the Easter break, which isn’t a break due to the mountains of work to do. So I intend to check out the blogs more often, and keep in contact with everyone. Anyway, I’m feeling pretty brain dead now. Tomorrow’s another day, I’ll let you know where it takes me.

Friends are brilliant

Friday was a good day and a bad day. It started off as a bad day. Feeling very wobbly I set off for Uni. I was expecting a ten minute tutorial with the MA Unit lecturer, and ended up sat with everyone at a reading group. Tutorials were happening in the corner of the room, and running really late. Still feeling really fragile, I was consciously guarding myself against a sudden exposure of my emotions, (I know that worrying about losing control of my emotions in front of people, is destructive, and fuels anxiety, but I’m still not convinced that it’s not justified. I wouldn’t want anyone to see me as a gibbering wreck).

However I felt really comfortable being around friends, and really enjoyed reading extracts of their writing. People came in and out, and there were never too many people at a time, which felt really manageable. I’m not doing fiction, and all the work I read was 1st draft extracts of future novels. They all made me want to read on. When I first went in they had a copy of Vitality Matters, a free Cornish magazine on health and wellbeing, and I had an article in there. I’d written it before Christmas and was waiting for it to be put in. Fi another friend on the course also had an article in there, so it was a double celebration.

After talking through my MA proposal, I went to the course meeting, and then had a coffee with Christina, the course leader, to talk over my wobbles. Although feeling really fragile, as I talked I realised, I’ve only missed 1 ½ lectures, and kept up with all the work apart from one piece, and I’d done this whilst dealing with a bad patch. I left about three, still not registering what good the day had done me, as all day the main thing on my mind was the evening.

I’d arranged to go out and see a friend, Cyrus, doing his first gig at a local wine bar. I’d suggested it to some of my best mates and they were up for coming along. However the thought I couldn’t get rid of, was that I might see ‘the woman’. Her brother works at the bar, and as she has babysitter’s every weekend, so she could be there. Worries plagued my head. How would I cope if I saw her? Would the tears come? Would I lose control of my emotions? Would I have to leave? Would it ruin the evening?

I wanted to go out in town not only to see my friend playing, but also because I wanted to show all the people, who would have heard all the gossip, that I’m alright and strong (even if it wasn’t exactly true). I was also in danger of becoming agoraphobic when it comes to socialising, and needed to break that pattern.

I made an effort, put on some make up (I only wear make up on nights out), and picked out a nice top to wear instead of just a T shirt. Dee arrived with her boyfriend and cousin, and we had a quick glass of wine, and made our way down. As I walked in, Rach and Teresa had just got there, and there was no sign of ‘the woman’. After about half an hour I was having a lovely time, catching up with my friends. Cyrus played a variety of songs to suit all tastes, and the bar was soon buzzing, and singing along.

‘The woman’ did not come in all night, and even if she had, I felt I would probably deal with it fine. With my friends around me I felt stronger. Teresa said to me she thought doing this course, and being so motivated, (I had turned down some wild parties due to writing), showed I had a lot of strength. Thinking about the day, and coming out in the evening, I accepted I had.

The evening out really helped my confidence. I got merry, but not drunk, and I was home by 12.30 and was asleep by 1.00. Yesterday I had quite a productive day and didn’t wobble, although I still thought a lot. I always have to take one day at a time when I’m like this, but hopefully I’m on the up again. We’ll see.

Prisoner

I feel like a prisoner in my own house (or rather small flat). I didn’t go out last night, I didn’t want to see ‘the woman’. I knew I could easily lose control (in a wimpish crying sort of way, as opposed to an aggressive sort of way), if I saw her. I don’t want to go out anywhere really, just in case I bump into her, or anyone of my ex boyfriends family. I don’t want them to see the tears, that will come if I see any of them.

I feel trapped, not only in my home, but in this low emotional state. I’m getting on with writing thou, I am determined that this low mood won’t jeopardise my course. Luckily the feature I have to write for next week, is on Ginger, and as alternative remedies and health is an area I have a lot of knowledge about, this won’t be too difficult.

Fragile

Just when I think I’m doing ok, something happens which brings home how fragile I am at the moment.

To start with my friend is very low, and after a bump in her car it needs to go into the garage. Living in rural Cornwall, being without transport is a diaster. She was able to get a courtesy car but had to pick it up from about 6 miles away, and as it is a car she’s never driven before, she doesn’t think she can do it. She has always had panics about driving, unless it’s in her own familiar car, along roads she know’s. I completely feel for her, and can understand her phobia, because of my own experience of panic. I really wanted to help, and suggested sitting in the car with her while she drove back and got used to the car.

Then I got to thinking, how would we get there?, when can I fit it in?, If I took my car how would I get back to pick it up?, and I felt panicked. I wanted to help a really good friend out, but I wasn’t sure if I could. I will do whatever I can to help.

Then I got a phonecall from another friend to tell me the latest. Apparantly the woman who my now ex boyfriend woke up with the other night, wants to talk to me. I’ve known her for years, she was a friend of a friend and came round my house a few times. I visited her a few years back. Since then whenever we have seen each other we’ve had a bit of a natter, but never kept in touch unless we’ve bumped into each other.

When I was told she wanted to talk to me, I felt the anger raging inside me. If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know it’s only recently since I’ve accepted there is a lot of anger within me, which is a change from my normal characteristic trait of being a walkover. I have always taken on board, too much of other people’s perception of life, at the expense of my own. So I end up being a walkover. But no more. Now I’m told the woman who flirted with, and invited my man back to her place, wants to talk to me. What do I do? Do I see the situation from her perspective, as I have done before. I can envisage whats she’s going to say, maybe she’ll tell me she thought he was single, I don’t think so because they talked about me on the night. Even if she did think he was single, she still has, or had a boyfriend at the time.

I’ve just this minute found out, that she is going out tonight. I want to go out but I really don’t know how I am going to cope seeing her. I’ll probably not be able to stop the tears. I know there will be friends there, that will be there for me and support me. I want to go out, but I am afraid I will lose it, in public. I live in a small town and losing control in front of people of the town, will have detrimental effects. I realise how fragile I am. Should I go out? Or should I not? I will let you know what I do.

Not going down

As often happens when I get low I find something to help me through it. This time I’ve been drawn to music, and have started to do a new tape collection for the car. By managing to do the tapes it illustrates how I can do things, and shows how I’m not completely incapable.

I’ve also decided to get fit and lose some weight, as another thing getting me down is that I’ve put on almost a stone since starting the course. I am not going to go out and buy new clothes, as all my clothes are tight on me, I am going to lose the weight. When I was at University the last time, I went up to size16 from a 12 over the four years, and after leaving lost 3 ½ stone with calorie counting. For the past few days I have been calorie counting, and aim to keep it going. For some more tips I brought myself a health magazine, and looking through it I came across a few one line bits of news, and links, which I can find out more about and produce features about.

I haven’t been able to focus or concentrate on doing work for a few days, although I have managed to keep up the rest of the time. Now I feel like I can get back into it again. I know I’m not in a good way still, but I still think I can do this course. I know I need to take one day at a time, and not beat myself up if I can’t keep up one day.

I know this depressive interlude is not all to do with the break up with my boyfriend last week, as I was going down before that. However that incident kind of tipped me over the edge last week. I am not going to let a man knock me sideways. I am going to come back fighting.

Even though I do have periods of debilitating depression and feel weak and useless, I know am a strong person. Also I’ve been through periods of depression enough, to know I will come out of it.

Wallowing

What is it with, when you get so low, you wallow in it. Last time, I broke down so much I couldn’t function, one thing I was able to do was read, yet I couldn’t concentrate on any television programe. Despite not being able to cook a meal, or deal with opening any post, I had the concentration to read which amazes me, and I’m still not sure why. It was actually a long time ago since shutting down last (1 ½ years), and although I’m getting close to that again, I’m determined not to go there again.
At that time, I wallowed in my depression, and being able to read, I escaped within it. I read Lucky and Lovely Bones by Alice Seebold, The Bell jar by Slyvia Plath ( who committed suicide 2 weeks after this book was published), Veronica decides to die by Paulo Coehlo, and Prozac nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel. I was not able to do anything else, but I read 2 or 3 books a week and still remember all the stories vividly.
As well as these very depressing books, I read Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath, Huxley’s Island, Memoirs of a Geisha, Orwell’s The road to Wigan pier, and about 5 of Paulo Coehlo stories (he’s a great story teller). Books helped me through that period, and I feel like I might be going there again, but this time I’m wallowing in music.
I have lots of angry male music, 3colours red, Rage against the machine, etc, but this morning I woke up thinking, I needed some good angry woman’s vocals, and I didn’t mean Alanis Morrisette. I had listened to Gossip’s single ‘Standing in the way of control’ a few times in the car, on the radio, and after seeing the lead singer doing Temptation with Jarvis Cocker, on the NME music awards last night, I was even more convinced of her passion for music and her talent. So I went out and brought the album. I’ve got it on repeat, while I’m writing ths blog, and it’s brilliant. She’s so refreshing, she tells it as it is, she’s not a skinny, trying to be sex symbol, like a lot of the girl singers, out there now. On the cd cover she’s wearing a sexy dress, she is a sexy woman, and she hasn’t shaved her underarms, which is great. Why the fuck should we! I’ve always felt this and while in a realtionship for 21 years, I was happy to be me and not shave, since being a single woman out there, the pressure to shave bits and bobs is more in my face. Anyway listen to Gossip I think they are great.
Going back to wallowing, instead of reading this time round, I’ve been listening to music fitting my mood. I’ve been listening to Obediant Bone, which is a Devon band I think, and I’m looking forward to seing them again soon. The other side of the tape I’ve done for the car, is Lamb, Between darkness and wonder. One song (track 5) I have listened to again and again, it goes like this:

Whats left to say, with all thats come and gone
Words get in the way, and any way, the devils got your tongue
And the storm brews inside
And there’s nowhere to hide
It’s gonna blow your cover sky high (I worry bout this happening at Uni)
If you let this thing go, It’s gonna burn, it’s gonna burn
You’re going to take the whole world with you, when you go

Burn Burn Burn
What you going to do when the storm takes over
Oh oh oh
What you going to do when the storm takes over

So here you are
Demon’s screaming in your head, You try to shut them out
But they just get louder, instead
And nothing you do, can seem to break through
This darkness smothering you
When it takes hold, and your heart turns cold
Your very soul seeps out of you.

Burn Burn Burn
What you going to do when the storm takes over, takes over you
Oh oh oh
Can you hold this thing?
Can you hold this thing?

Till the clouds clear


Without the powerful music behind it, it’s probably not so easy to imagine how the song goes. This is probably one of the best lyrics describing depression that I’ve heard, the music compliments the words completely. Why do I wallow and find myself leaning towards words expressing how I feel? Does it help? Probably not.

Clearing out the clutter.

Well he’s gone. If you read my last post you’ll know that Ian (my now ex boyfriend), stayed out all Sunday night. He came back at about two in the afternoon caked in mud, saying he had woken up in a field. Last night however he went to the local open mic night, and a girl I am friendly with (Mel) had been telling everyone, Ian spent the weekend with her. I was at home last night, in bed, as I had to be up at 6.30.

Anyway Mel was at the open mic night, and asked if Ian wanted to walk back with her, and then my friend punched her and split her lip, she doesn’t normally do this sort of thing. Ian had forgotten his keys, so at 2.30 am I had to answer the door to him, and he told me about the fight, and what people had been saying about him.

Damage control, I would imagine, as we live in a small town. It finally came out that he had woken up in Mel’s bed on Monday morning, and then gone walking in fields. He says he doesn’t remember if anything happened, but he did stay there, and that’s enough for me to call it a day. So this morning he packed his bags and went. Funnily enough it was only a couple of weeks and we would have been together a year.

So onwards and upwards I go, now without another kid to look after. It’s weird though, yesterday I was feeling so depressed I could hardly manage to cook a meal, and today although I feel angry, I feel quite strong. It was definitely time to clear out the clutter from my life.

Letting off steam

The other night, Thursday to be precise, I walked back from town, after a few drinks, but not too many, and I screamed. I screamed as loud as I could in the middle of the road. I let out lots of bitterness and anger, that I’d held in for a long time. I was angry at my ex husband, Mark, mostly. He is now finding love and light in India, after hassling me for months with some really nasty texts, and then by being friendly, and insisting on selling the family home so we could split the profits.

I had never wanted to buy the house in the first place. It was a council house, and I don’t agree with buying council houses. It was secure, but to keep Mark happy, and to fulfill his dream of owning a house, I agreed and we brought it. One saving grace, was the bit I got from selling the house, helped pay for the MA course.

Now he’s in India, and was going to stay there as he found love there. Last Sunday I had him on the phone to me crying, because he had split up with his girlfriend, and had been willing to give up everything for her, including being near his children. After spending days worrying about Megan, because she was so distressed, crying everyday as her dad wasn’t coming back, of course I had a lot of sympathy for him.

My middle daughter Alice moved in with her boyfriend (another Mark) and his mum, shortly after her GCSE’s which was not long after we split up. Now Mark’s mum is looking for a flat, just for her and her boyfriend, and when she finds a place, Alice and Mark could be homeless. It could be in a week or a few months. They are looking for places, but it’s more difficult to get places when you’re under 25, so I’m looking out for a three bedroomed place we could maybe share.

I don’t have a family home anymore. I don’t have a base for the girls to come back to. I live in a 2bedroomed flat, with a front room/kitchen combined. Tamsin my eldest daughter comes back for the holidays as she’s at Uni, and has to sleep on a mattress in the front room. To have that 24/7 if Alice moves in would be murder. But what else can I do I can’t see her on the streets.

So there is a lot of anger and bitterness inside me. I gave up the family home to get Mark off my back, however by being weak and doing this, I don’t have a family base. Also the bit of money I made from the house sale, although I’ve spent some on doing this course, has mainly gone on rent, bills, and money for the girls, and now its gone. Wheras with Mark he’s given the girls a few token payments and spent the rest on himself. He’s hasn’t given me any money to help with the cost of our children. When I spoke to him on the phone on that Sunday, I was picking up Alice from work, and he also spoke to her, and told her if she visualised a flat it will happen. Funnily enough, I visualised an envelope full of money with my name on it, on the floor in the supermarket, and it didn’t happen.

So I screamed and I screamed, not really saying anything but just screaming. My problem is that I hate and avoid conflict. Friends tell me I’m really nice, and when my friends say that I cry. I cry because I wish I wasn’t, because I’m actually a walkover, and don’t want to be. This is why I stayed with Mark for so long, and why I’m still with my current boyfriend.

You may have thought I should have learned. Ian was an alcoholic when I met him, drinking in the morning through to night. But I saw more to him, he is heart and soul and cares about people, and he cares about me. Although he’s changed loads since meeting me, after dealing with my screaming incident, which focused on me instead ot him, he’s been going on benders.

Friday night he stayed out all night, and crashed for a couple of hours on the bench, outside his sister in laws place. Sunday at about 6, I had finished writing, and was spending time clearing up the mess I’d ignored for a long time. Ian offered to go into to town to buy me some baccy, and some wine to have with our meal, Beef and Guinness stew with roasted veg and brussel sprouts. At 9.00 I gave up on waiting, and went down to get tobacco, which he knew I was almost out of. The beef was not so much tenderised, but more disintegrated. He didn’t come back till 2.00 pm the next day, after I had tried to stay awake till after 1am, as I thought at any time, I may have to answer the door. He had woken up in a field near Padstow.

I need to focus on writing, and today when I’d discovered he had returned, after interviewing a local artist for the next edition of bloc-online.com, I told him to go. Soon after he fell asleep, and is still asleep now. I think I need to be my own person and be single again. If I’m single I can totally focus on this course. I am loving writing, and don’t need distractions. I can’t put up with any other persons problems, on top of my own, and problems my children may have. Maybe he’ll go and I can be happy being single again, or maybe I’ll give in and he’ll stay on a bit longer. I’m hoping I’m not going to give in, and stick to my guns.

A few words

After finishing off the article for Tuesday, at about four today, I looked around the flat. The bedroom had very limited pathways to the bed, due to the piles of stuff on the floor. The front room was a mass of piles of paperwork, clothes and shoes all over the place, and two weeks worth of laundry rendering one of the chairs useless. It was not a pretty site, so I got active. I am absolutely tired out, but now you can see the floor in the bedroom, all chairs can be sat on, and the paperwork may not have been sorted but it’s out of view. I even cleaned the mirror in my room. I think I’m going to sleep well tonight.
As you can probably tell I’m aiming to write on my blog more, even if it is just a few words, and today it is going to just be a few words. I’m shattered and fairly brain dead. I think a mindless night sat in front of the television is in order. Whats left of it that is.

Back in the Writing Zone

After dealing with so much emotion on Thursday, I felt very drained yesterday. However I knew I had to keep up with work for the course. I decided to start on a presentaion, I have to do on Thursday, which is about the potential market for the non fiction book I am aiming to write. I had already done a lot of research in this area, so it was an easier option for me. I spent all day at it, and it got easier as I went along. I finished it around tea time, and have produced a handout with pictures as well as words. Being a technophobe, I was quite chuffed with this.
Then today, I didn’t stay in bed till early afternoon, which I had been doing a lot recently (although to be fair to me I do still have my laptop, even when I don’t venture out of the bedroom). I got up fairly early. I had an email from friends reunited, which I usually ignore, but this time decided to check out who was on it. I had entered my details on friends reunited in about 2001, and had myself down as married, working as a career’s adviser, with all my daughters being of school age. Updating my details was great fun, I could write so much more than I could before. I was even able to produce a cartoon figure of myself, to go on my profile (complete with grey hair). When settling down to writing, like with exercise, I often need to warm up, and having a play around on friends united was my warm up this morning.
I am also doing the feature writing unit, so I started to put words on paper for my article, due in next week. We had all turned up on Tuesday to the feature writing class, knowing we were going on a jolly, but didn’t know where we were going. Martin, who teaches us as well as being a freelance journalist, sent us out into one street in Falmouth town centre. He told us to talk to people, and write an article based on the results for next week. Fellow student, Holly and I set out together, and interviewed local businesses supporting the local community. The idea when we set out was to approach health food establishments, however what struck us were they were Cornish businnesses who are commited to finding locally sourced products or ingredients. So today I sat down and produced the article, which I am not only pleased with, but also finsished at the respectable hour of six o clock.
I felt this exercise was really useful, and since then I have had half an eye open for story opportunities, wherever I go. While out shopping today for example, I bumped into someone I had seen on ‘Under the hammer’, a day time BBC program about buying houses at auction. The reason I remembered him from the programme was because I recognised him, so I continued watching the program instead of writing with the television on in the background. Feeling brave I went up to him, told him about the course, and asked if maybe I could do an article about him, and the property he had brought. It’s a big project he’s taken on, and he told me he’d just come back from working there for a few weeks. He seemed quite interested and we exchanged contact details.
So it looks like I’m back in the writing zone, and intend to stay there.

Riding the storm

Well I got all my work done, handed in and marked for the first semester, and yesterday I got the results. I passed!!!!! I’m now doing the Non fiction and Features units, and again the work is full on. After a two week break, it’s been diffcult to get back into the routine, and producing work to deadlines again. However despite finding depression rearing it’s ugly head, and finding the tears coming easily, especially in classes, I have kept up with all the work. I almost gave up, but I know I want to do this, so I have decided to ride the storm.
I saw a counsellor yesterday in the afternoon, and while talking through stuff, I realised one reason why I keep getting periods of depression. It may be a lot to do with the fact I don’t like, and avoid, conflict. Instead any anger and bitterness I may have is stored away inside.
After the counsellor I went to a see a guest lecturer, and although it was on for 2 hours instead of 1 as I had thought, the time flew. It was about reviewing music books films etc, and it was really interesting. I left at 6.30, after being at Uni since 8.30am, feeling quite drained. I put some loud rocking music on my stereo (Lamb and Obedient bone), and screamed along to it on the way back. I must do that more often, it was a great release. I had to pick Megs up from near Bodmin and as it was so late we picked up a takeaway. I finally got home at 8.30 and as I was rushing back, a rabbit which was safe by the hedge, ran in front of my car and I felt myself go over it. I was devastated. I have never killed any animals while driving before. It has as much right as I have of living in this world, and I had taken it’s life.
It was a day of very emotional ups and downs. Despite waking up this morning with very puffy eyes, I am getting on with writing and researching. I will ride the storm.

A Mad day

Saturday morning, and it was the first day of a maths master class, my daughter Megs was going to. Both her sisters had done the maths master class, so Megan was chuffed when she was asked to go as well. It started in Truro at 9.30, so we woke up early, got in the car, and headed for the petrol station. I went to pay and my debit card was not in my purse. Luckily I had just enough money, so I paid and we rushed back home. We looked around, panicking. It was also Meg’s birthday, and we were meeting her friends after the class to go shopping. I was thinking I’ll have no access to money over the weekend. The birthday celebrations are over, we’ll have to cancel everything. Megs felt her birthday’s were jinxed, as three years ago on her birthday my purse was stolen. I then phoned the Co-op which was the last shop I had used the card in, and it was there. By the time I picked it up, and got on the way, it was 9.15.

Registration was from 9.30 to 10.00, so I drove like a bat out of hell, driving just at the speed limit all the way, and got there at 9.55. She was in time. Due to all the assignments due in next week, I waited to have a word with someone, to see if there was anywhere I could set up my laptop. Then I heard “Jacqui”, it was my good friend Jerusha. It was so lovely to see her, especially as I was supposed to meet her just before Christmas, but didn’t as I was feeling wobbly. She lives in Falmouth, and since I started at University, we still haven’t managed to catch up. Her son was also doing the master class, so we’re going to catch up next time.

The class was at Truro college, and they were really accommodating, when I asked about doing some writing. They let me use the staff room. In the couple of hours I had, I managed to finish two assignments that make up 3000 words for one unit. It was a very successful morning. I shared the room with one of Megan’s teachers at school with his little baby, Milly, who was 14 weeks old, and a really gorgeous bubbly baby. His Partner is Meg’s maths teacher and she was delivering the course that morning.

After, we headed into Truro to meet Meg’s friends. When they arrived, I gave Megs some money, as they wanted to go off on their own. I decided to do charity shops; I didn’t want to go into clothes shops, as I knew I would end up spending money I couldn’t afford. I visited 9 charity shops, I think I know them all in Truro, and brought 8 brilliant books.

For £11.25 I brought:

Story of O by Pauline Reage
The Zahir and Like a flowing river by Paulo Coello
The time travellers wife by Audrey Niffenegger
Living by the word by Alice Walker
The mirror within by Anne Dickson
Autobiography of a Geisha by Sayo Masuda
and
Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf

The first book I brought was the Story of O. I brought this out of curiosity, as I have Damien Rice’s album ‘O’. In the song ‘Amie’ the lyrics go “Amie come sit on my wall, and read me the story of O.” It turns out to be a famous erotic novel that mysteriously turned up in the hands of publishers in Paris in 1954.

I also got a couple of Paulo Coelho books. I was really chuffed to find them, as I already have 7 of his books (mainly found in charity shops). It was unusual to find books of his that I didn’t have. At a very low point, about a year ago, I didn’t have the concentration to do anything, but amazingly I was able to read, and I immersed myself in books 24/7. Paulo Coelho was an author who made me think, and helped in my recovery.

I do have a bad book collecting habit and also have many Alice Walker books. Again it was great to find one I haven’t got. I love the way she writes, how she has an amazing ability to illustrate the feelings and emotions of the characters she writes about. I like to read about history, that’s generally not told in mainstream history. Alice Walker tells the history, and the struggles, of being a black woman in early 20th century America.

I was very pleased with my purchases. Now all I need is more time so I can read them. I was feeling a bit shopped out, when I meet the girls. We started off for home, and as a birthday treat, we stopped for dinner out on the way back. When I got back I was shattered, and still had to pick up another three of Meg’s friends for her birthday sleepover.

At about seven I was able to relax, well as much as you can relax, with seven excitable teenagers in the flat. I had brought them a couple of bottles of WKD, and double checked everyone was going to have some, so they only had a bit each. As I barricaded myself in my room, I was unaware that the other girls had also brought 2 bottles of Lambrini. At around nine, I went in and found they’d drunk all the WKD, and discovered one empty Lambrini bottle. They weren’t too bad, I chatted with them for a while, and they weren’t slurring their speech, so thinking there was no more alcohol left, I was relieved, as it would wear off soon.

It didn’t wear off; they were all extremely hyper till early in the morning. When I went in again, I confiscated the other bottle of Lambrini, which luckily they hadn’t drunk much of. It was a long night, luckily nobody was ill, but they were all very loud. I stayed awake until they all finally went quiet. So all in all it was a bit of a mad day.

Blooming Typical

Great, I get all the work done; I get back to University for one day, and then come down with a stinky virus. With only a week to go before seven assessed assignments have to be in, this is pretty disastrous. I can’t concentrate enough to work on any of them, so I am writing on my blog.
Yesterday I felt worse, but still managed to surf the net a bit. I made an important step as a writer. If you’ve read my previous postings, you’ll know sitting with a laptop on my knee, has caused a bad back. Yesterday I brought myself a desk, and it arrives tomorrow.
I’m not going to be able to get it up till Sunday though, as I’ve got a flat full on teenagers on Saturday night. It’s Megan’s (my daughters) birthday, and she’s got six friends staying, in my tiny little flat. I think I’m going to barricade myself in my room, with a bottle of red wine.

The internet's back

I don’t understand the mysteries of the technological age. The last few weeks, we have kept trying to get the internet, and have not been able to, but all of a sudden it’s back. Megan tried to get onto it on Thursday night, and that was it. It’s back.
I spent yesterday with a big smile on my face, and did the surfing I had wanted to do for ages. I ordered some books I needed, I checked out the professional writing notice board, and checked emails. The only trouble was I spent a couple of hours at it, when I could have been writing.
Also I don’t think looking at the notice board was such a good plan. There is so much to do. I knew how much there was to do, but looking at all the messages about legal issues when writing, MA proposals, word counts, spacing etc, I felt the panic rising.
Today I feel a bit better about it all. I am muddling on with it all, and writing every day.
I’ve rewritten a Scene from a classic story, in a different genre, and in the modern day. I did Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens, which I rewrote as a murder mystery. The two charity worker’s who came into Scrooge’s office, became Police detective’s, investigating Marley’s murder. That was quite fun to do. I’ve also written 9 pages of a 12 page story, reworked a piece for assessment, written an essay explaining a method of constructing a good essay, and half completed my MA proposal.
Looking at the list it doesn’t seem very much to have written, in 4 weeks. Never mind, I’ll just keep muddling on. And I’d better get on with it.

Life without the internet.

Again, is this an excuse or not? My internets packed up. I manage to connect O.K and then when I try to open a page it says Server not found. My daughter Alice’s boyfriend, Mark, looked at it for me, but couldn’t sus it out. Any ideas about what’s up? Let me know.
So anyway that’s my excuse, or not, for not signing in recently.

I have missed the internet. It is very irritating not being able to look something up, whenever I need too. However I think I have done a lot more writing, as I've not spent hours looking at emails, websites, noticeboards etc. By borrowing someone elses's computer, I am able to focus, and get the information I need, in the time I have. I did my entire degree, hardly ever using the internet, and I got a first. Unfortunately on this course, and with the area of work I would like to enter, I know I need it. I will get it sorted.

I’ve not gone out, or seen many of my friends this holiday, as I’ve been worried about getting all my assignments done. So I’ve spent most of the time with the laptop on my knee, but still not managing to write as much as I would like.

Two days ago, I developed a really bad back, and could hardly move. Bending my knee in the night, woke me up, it’s not been good. I didn’t do any writing on the first day, as the pain was so bad I couldn’t focus. As my daughters been staying in the front room, I’ve done a lot of writing in bed, and on the second day I got the laptop out again. It was then I realised it was probably writing like this that had caused my backache. I noticed how heavy my laptop was.

Unfortunately being in a small flat, there is no room for a desk, but I definitely need one. Therefore I am now on the lookout to move. I do need a bigger place. Until then I went back to basics and got out a notepad. I was able to do one of my assignments with pen and paper, and it didn’t take very long to type it out. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

I'm back

Ok, so I haven’t written for ages, give a girl a break. The professional writing course is brilliant, however there is a lot of work and you need to write all the time. The reason I haven’t written on my blog for a while is because I’ve been struggling.
I don’t know if the tiredness has caught up with me, and if it’s due to the travelling (70 miles 3 days a week), or because I haven’t worked for a year, or whether it’s because of my depression and anxiety, and not being able to cope with stress very well. I think it’s probably a bit of all these reasons.
I was getting worried about my mental health, and was thinking I would crash again. Concentration on anything (even watching the television), became difficult. I just wanted to lie in bed and my movements became slower. I haven’t been able to cope sitting in the classes without feeling overwhelmed, and the tears have been flowing easily.
I’ve been thinking, I can’t do this, I won’t be able to keep up, I’m not good enough to be a writer. I’ve been worrying more about everything, such as I won’t be able to afford to carry on. I may have to find somewhere else to live as my 18year old daughter, Alice, and her boyfriend have to leave their place; and there’s no room for them here. What if this happens when Tamsin (my 19 year old daughter), is sleeping on my front room floor, in her Christmas break from University. Ahhhh!
Anyway that’s the reason I haven’t written. I haven’t had the brain power or the energy to deal with anything other than the absolute minimum.
I’m coming out of it now. Yesterday I stayed in the class the whole day, and enjoyed it. It was the last day of term, and we all went for a meal afterwards. When I got back I had a couple of glasses of wine, and stayed up late writing, as the ideas flowed. So hopefully I’m back on track.

Good writing night.

I had writers bloc again yesterday. So about 9.00 I decided to give up on it, and went out to visit friends for an hour. I had a houseful of teenagers, all doing a fitness video in the frontroom. Stampede of elephants spring to mind. So I escaped. My friend's doing an Art A level and we both discuss how we are doing, where we find inspiration etc. She had a meeting on Monday to show her work so far, so after a cuppa, she got out a picture she needed to reproduce, and started drawing. There was a few of us there, and as Em's always being creative this was natural. When I was doing my beady hangings, I would also carry on when friends visited.
With writing however it's not so easy to carry on and entertain. I finished my tea and got back about 10.30, almost time for bed, if It wasn't for the fact I was completely knackered earlier on, and had a nap. So thinking of Em, I got out the laptop, and started work on my piece.
We had to write a short piece of fiction, which experimented with time and/or order. I had spent all day staring at the laptop, trying to come up with ideas, and when I got back from Em's the ideas flowed. I finished writing at 2.00 in the morning, feeling satisfied with my piece. For probably the first time ever at one of my daughters sleepovers, they were asleep before me.
This morning, I had to cut down the words, I had written 1000 words and it was meant to be 500 to 700. So it was a tad too long. Although I was pleased with it, it's a bit like a mum being pleased with a child who is actually really badly behaved. So I emailed it to a friend for a second opinion. I got an answer phone message from her, being a sad case I may have to keep on the phone. She loved it, loved the narration, and felt the jump around of time worked well.
I also checked out www.bloc-online.com which is a website about writing, run by the postgraduate professional writing students. It's well worth a visit if your interested in writing. It's the first edition since it's been handed over to this years students, and I have a piece on there. It was a piece I wasn't too sure about. The subject was hope, and I wrote about my personal journey over the past few years. It's always difficult to expose yourself in that way, but I'm proud of the piece, and what everyone has achieved on the website
It's been a good day.
The photos are of my beady hangings I talked about earlier.

A good tip for getting to sleep

I did a most unusual thing wednesday night. I decided to make time to read a book (not that thats unusual). I do read a lot of books, but with the work involved on this course, I haven't had time to. I've kept up with newsapapers, read other people's stories, and read coursebooks, including Wuthering Heights. I have missed picking up a book to read last thing at night.
What was unusual about last night, was I picked up a new book at 7.00 and was asleep by 8.00. I slept right through till my alarm went off in the morning. It wasn't that it was a boring book, it was Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger, which I got into right away. I had read some of it in one of my classes, and as I had brought it in the summer, I knew it was the next book I would read. We were being introduced to characters, and you felt like you really got the essence of what they were about.
I was enjoying it, but I still fell asleep. I suppose tiredness catches up sometimes. Your body tells you when you need to shut down. Sometimes, reading a few chapters of a book does help me sleep, but normally I find they keep me awake. I can be really tired, get a book out, and it wakes me up. I get to the end of each chapter, then just have to read on to see what happens next. I am a very fussy reader, if a book doesn't grab me in that way I give up on it, after giving it few chapters chance. There are enough good books around not to have to read on if a book doesn't do it for you.
Anyway, hopefully I'll be able to read Catcher in the Rye, without falling asleep next time.

Keeping up with the work

This course is definitely a brilliant preparation for any writer, however I am finding it a struggle to keep up. Tomorrow we are starting to make our own website, which is very exciting, but also a bit scary as I am a technophobe. I have looked around at other writer's websites and can see their potential. I can display my portfolio, so that clients/employers can see my work.
I spent all Friday finishing an article for the December issue of Vitality matters, and then due to an advertiser coming in at the last minute, it's going to be in next months issue instead. I was a bit disappointed, but also pleased as I won't have to do one next month, as we will probably have a lot of work to do over the Christmas break.
I have also written a piece for bloc online, which is a website for writers maintained by the students on the course. It was up for the Guardian Student media award, and came second. So at last some of my writing will be out there for all to see.
I have also just written a short story, that I am pleased with. This is an indication of my improvement, as I am not really a story writer. I aim to concentrate on feature writing and non-fiction writing.
Anyway, I am making progress which is great. The adventure continues.

The adventure continues

I’m going to get my writing published!
Today I went to visit a local free magazine, which is about health and wellbeing. I took some of my writing and the editor liked it. They agreed I could do some writing for them, and I can do a work placement there. Only thing is, the first article needs to be in next week. I’m sure I can do it, and I have had some brilliant ideas already. I decided one article a month would be good to start with, so I can keep up with the course work.
One thing I’ve learnt over the past few years is to pace myself, and to know when I need to rest, as when I get tired, I get low. I did tell them about my mental health, and they actually offer training to people from an organisation called Pentreath Industries. Pentreath help people with mental health problems back to work. I have worked with this organisation before, and I really respect what they do.
The adventure continues.