Monday, February 26, 2007

Letting off steam

The other night, Thursday to be precise, I walked back from town, after a few drinks, but not too many, and I screamed. I screamed as loud as I could in the middle of the road. I let out lots of bitterness and anger, that I’d held in for a long time. I was angry at my ex husband, Mark, mostly. He is now finding love and light in India, after hassling me for months with some really nasty texts, and then by being friendly, and insisting on selling the family home so we could split the profits.

I had never wanted to buy the house in the first place. It was a council house, and I don’t agree with buying council houses. It was secure, but to keep Mark happy, and to fulfill his dream of owning a house, I agreed and we brought it. One saving grace, was the bit I got from selling the house, helped pay for the MA course.

Now he’s in India, and was going to stay there as he found love there. Last Sunday I had him on the phone to me crying, because he had split up with his girlfriend, and had been willing to give up everything for her, including being near his children. After spending days worrying about Megan, because she was so distressed, crying everyday as her dad wasn’t coming back, of course I had a lot of sympathy for him.

My middle daughter Alice moved in with her boyfriend (another Mark) and his mum, shortly after her GCSE’s which was not long after we split up. Now Mark’s mum is looking for a flat, just for her and her boyfriend, and when she finds a place, Alice and Mark could be homeless. It could be in a week or a few months. They are looking for places, but it’s more difficult to get places when you’re under 25, so I’m looking out for a three bedroomed place we could maybe share.

I don’t have a family home anymore. I don’t have a base for the girls to come back to. I live in a 2bedroomed flat, with a front room/kitchen combined. Tamsin my eldest daughter comes back for the holidays as she’s at Uni, and has to sleep on a mattress in the front room. To have that 24/7 if Alice moves in would be murder. But what else can I do I can’t see her on the streets.

So there is a lot of anger and bitterness inside me. I gave up the family home to get Mark off my back, however by being weak and doing this, I don’t have a family base. Also the bit of money I made from the house sale, although I’ve spent some on doing this course, has mainly gone on rent, bills, and money for the girls, and now its gone. Wheras with Mark he’s given the girls a few token payments and spent the rest on himself. He’s hasn’t given me any money to help with the cost of our children. When I spoke to him on the phone on that Sunday, I was picking up Alice from work, and he also spoke to her, and told her if she visualised a flat it will happen. Funnily enough, I visualised an envelope full of money with my name on it, on the floor in the supermarket, and it didn’t happen.

So I screamed and I screamed, not really saying anything but just screaming. My problem is that I hate and avoid conflict. Friends tell me I’m really nice, and when my friends say that I cry. I cry because I wish I wasn’t, because I’m actually a walkover, and don’t want to be. This is why I stayed with Mark for so long, and why I’m still with my current boyfriend.

You may have thought I should have learned. Ian was an alcoholic when I met him, drinking in the morning through to night. But I saw more to him, he is heart and soul and cares about people, and he cares about me. Although he’s changed loads since meeting me, after dealing with my screaming incident, which focused on me instead ot him, he’s been going on benders.

Friday night he stayed out all night, and crashed for a couple of hours on the bench, outside his sister in laws place. Sunday at about 6, I had finished writing, and was spending time clearing up the mess I’d ignored for a long time. Ian offered to go into to town to buy me some baccy, and some wine to have with our meal, Beef and Guinness stew with roasted veg and brussel sprouts. At 9.00 I gave up on waiting, and went down to get tobacco, which he knew I was almost out of. The beef was not so much tenderised, but more disintegrated. He didn’t come back till 2.00 pm the next day, after I had tried to stay awake till after 1am, as I thought at any time, I may have to answer the door. He had woken up in a field near Padstow.

I need to focus on writing, and today when I’d discovered he had returned, after interviewing a local artist for the next edition of, I told him to go. Soon after he fell asleep, and is still asleep now. I think I need to be my own person and be single again. If I’m single I can totally focus on this course. I am loving writing, and don’t need distractions. I can’t put up with any other persons problems, on top of my own, and problems my children may have. Maybe he’ll go and I can be happy being single again, or maybe I’ll give in and he’ll stay on a bit longer. I’m hoping I’m not going to give in, and stick to my guns.

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