The cost of alcohol

 This is a quick post as G is out shopping. I have a sober journal & as well as recording my sober journey I'm adding up what G spends on cider. I've been sober for 2 months and a week now.  From pay pay to payday the first month I did this he spent £274.65 & £305.48 the next. We are really struggling to have enough money for food for the month. Some months direct debits are bouncing. I have not got enough money to be able to buy Chritmas presents and will be doing this on accounts, but he has to get the cider as he is physically addicted & just stopping will cause detox symptoms such as hallucinations & delusions I could not cope with at home.

When I told him how much it added up to be said he will half the cost this month. Last Friday he did not go to supermarket to get weekend supply & went & got one bottle (6 pints) from our local store to limit himself. On the Saturday he then limited himself to one an hour to make his set limit last the day. Then on payday he had one day not limiting & having a bit of a binge but was back to being careful the next day. I will report back if he manages to half his bill. 

The cycle continues

It's just a quick post as G has fallen asleep & I've got peace for a while & I'm taking the opportunity to read a great book I've got on the go. I wanted to check on here to see when G was last ill and it was only a couple of weeks ago. The cycle continues. It's been a really  shitty weekend: G is on a binge. He started to feel ill Friday morning and was sick, & then carried on drinking & has not stopped since then. Today he was really sick again & this afternoon had about 4 blackouts when he goes over. It's very likely he will be really ill again next week.  I've been on high alert and so has our dog. I went out for a walk in the hope he would fall asleep & he has. It's not fun I'm constantly in a bad mood because my tolerance to him being drunk is low. Yesterday he was not remembering what he did a few minutes earlier. I had to explain everything that's happened,  everything I was doing & why. It's so tiring. So now I'm going to enjoy a bit of peace & read a good book. X

Disappointed again.

I felt bitterly disappointed last night. Can you guess why? G has been really ill this  last week, which happens when he drinks too much over a few weeks. He could hardly move. He was so weak. He was up in the night every night with stomach pains. I had a really hectic (quite stressful) few days at work & on top of that I had to go out and do all the shopping & dog walks etc. He felt so bad he thought he may have to go to hospital. He actually said when he gets ill now it lasts longer & he wanted to completely stop drinking by Christmas.  He has had to drink due to shakes but only had 4, & the first couple of days he did have a couple hallucinations, as despite not stopping altogether, he was still  detoxing.  For 4 days he got his intake down, & we kept discussing if he kept it at that then he could reduce further & eventually stop.

As I did the weekend shop yesterday I got him 4 cans a day but last night (as he was starting to feel better) he had 10 ciders. I was in bed about 1130. He came to bed about 430am. He was sleep talking, space invading in the bed & every time I was awake I was thinking how disappointing him drinking last night was. He has undone all the progress he made last week. He will get the shakes earlier today. He is likely to drink more than 4 again today & then going back to just 4 a day is going to be more & more difficult & very unlikely. He has sabotaged what he had achieved. 

On my sober journey I listen to Podcasts while I walk our dog, and often hear discussions around people failing miserably when they try to moderate their alcohol, & the only answer for them was to stop completely. G can't stop completely.  It needs to be done in hospital. Last time he had delusions and hallucinations,& ended up discharging himself & having a cider as soon as he left the hospital.  I could not manage him detoxing if this is likely to happen again. It is bitterly disappointing he drank so much last night. 

I did it I've gone sober

The 27th of August was the last time I had a drink. I posted up notes all over the house. I've joined online sober community groups & I listen to Sober Podcasts when I walk my dog. I did have a drink in the week sometimes before, but it was mainly weekend drinking with me, & recently I limited myself so didn't get drunk much so it's been easier than I thought. 

G cut back at first but is getting back to drinking most of the day after a first cup of tea. The point is though I've done this for me I can't expect miracles. It is not so easy when I can't have a drink to get on G's level at the weekend, but I've been so used to being on a completely different level most of the time & I would rather stay sober. X

A new approach

G's drinking is still following the same pattern. He is having more days when he does not get really drunk but still consuming more ciders than we can afford. He is still having days when he binges and these are difficult days, with sometimes outbursts of anger, & I feel I have to be careful what I say. He is also having more days when he is quite ill due to bingeing.

I am taking a  new approach which is mainly for myself, but I'm hoping may also influence G's drinking. At the beginning of the year I read the Sober diaries by Clare Pooley, & I've just finished Why don't you drink alcohol  101 reasons to stop drinking by Sienna Green. I aim to try to stop drinking myself. I do like a drink at the weekends so it's going to be hard, It's also going to be difficult as I will always be on a completely different level to G. Today I am going to transfer some of the 101 reasons into postcards which I will stick around the house. I did this when I gave of smoking & it worked for me. I've discussed this with G & he knows I will be posting these to help me, but if it also has an influence on his consumption & he makes more of an effort then that will be an added bonus.

Progress

I felt I needed to just post an update. The past couple of weeks since the scare of the TIAs G has been taking it really easy. He has cut back most days & drunk quite a bit other days, but not been drunk at all (until yesterday). He did not go to follow up TIA clinic as the hospital has not confirmed it was a TIA & he did not want to be told he could not drive. We live in a village with only a little Spar shop. I have never been able to get him attend medical appointments he should. He says he's invincible but how he has been cutting back, makes me believe he doesn't quite believe this himself. He has been drinking an orange juice, a pint of Orange squash & a couple of cups of tea before having a cider every day, whereas a few weeks ago he was waking up & drinking cider.

However yesterday he did start on a bit of a binge, he got back from shopping & had a cider & had 16 before he fell asleep on the sofa. Today he carried on & was sick after dinner. He has gone to bed now as he  had really bad stomach pains. He has had 16 ciders again today, but it's early & instead of carrying on he took himself to bed so I still count it as progress. Chances are he will cut right back again tomorrow. Well I hope so anyway.

Another sleepless night

Early Monday morning (about 330)  G was discharged from hospital. He rang me at 4am but we had no petrol in the car & no 24 hour garages near enough so he got a taxi cutting £60 which was almost all we had left till payday. I had only had a few hours sleep so I took the morning off work. 

G got a few hours sleep & then started drinking. He was drunk when I finished work & carried on & then about 930 it happened again & this time, it looked like he lost consciousness, his tongue fell out, there was no response from him & when he did come to he could not speak. I called the ambulance at 945pm & the ambulance arrived at 5am. In the hours we waited his speech came back & then it happened again & his tongue fell out again. He had paralysis & no feeling in his left side (arm & leg) for the longest time so far. About 1130 he did go sleep & I stayed awake to watch him. I was worried if his mouth went while sleeping he would choke. 

About 1 the ambulance service telephoned to see how he was doing. I tried to stay awake waiting after that but eventually probably about 230 I fell asleep.

The ambulance came at 5 & when they arrived G had got all feeling back &  was adamant he was not going to go to hospital, which they understood as the  it was likely the hospital will do tests & discharge him as nothing  is currently happening. They were really good. They explained  a TIA is temporary lack of oxygen & then oxygen comes back. They gave him aspirin  to take one a day & he has to ring doctors & get  an appointment for TIA clinic. They were better than the hospital had been.

I tried to go back to sleep but could not so I've now got up. I can start work early & hopefully be able to finish early & have a nap. 

Also hopefully this time he will cut back again, & keep consumption low & Get help. How many warning signs does he need.

The warning sign was ignored.

So after having a big scare G then had 4 days of being really ill with pancreatitis. He could hardly move he was so ill. He took it easy on the cider limiting himself to 6 a day. Tuesday he started to feel better & on Thursday he upped his intake & then Friday he started a binge. So I was wrong to be  hopeful he may take notice of warning signs. It's been a horrible weekend. He was  so drunk when I woke up after a lie in till about 11 on Saturday morning & all day he was totally off the wall hyper I was on high alert & had high anxiety. I let him sleep whenever he dropped off as it was the only time I got some peace and I knew he would get a break from drinking. Whenever I challenged his drinking I was subjected to anger & aggression (not physical just verbal). Today he was taking it easy until after our roast dinner when he drank a pint of cider quickly to wake up & then he kept going. About 10 tonight he fell over in the bathroom & lost feeling in his left side again. I must say I cannot fault the ambulance service at all. They arrived 10 minutes after we called them & they have taken him to hospital. I had some gin left from the weekend  & I discovered after he was taken away he had swigged back over half of what I had  left on top of the cider. 

Yesterday, one time when I challenged him I said I can't do this anymore and we both agreed it was over,  however he said if we spilt up he was going nowhere he has been with me for over 10 years and I cannot kick him out. He will stay in the spare room. Then 10 minutes later he's saying he loves me & we will never split up: like he hasn't just verbally abused me telling me I'm a total uncaring bitch, I'm fat and ugly, and if he leaves me he will find himself staying with a young  beautiful 30 year old in a couple of weeks. I just don't know what to do.

Another warning sign Hopefully not to be ignored

I've been on holiday this week & it's not been a good one. The first few days G was on a binge. Tuesday night he shouted at me for an hour after I asked him not to overact & ignore our dog because he followed me around instead of him. It's really nothing that causes him to get angry when he's been

drinking & then a little later he stood up & fell over (often first symptom of pancreatitis) then he was sick quickly followed by him losing feeling & control over his left arm (it looked dead) & then his left leg. He could not move them at all, not even his fingers or his toes. We called an ambulance just after 8.

A community responder came at 9. About 10 feeling came back. He called base & a medical practitioner felt even though feelings come back G could still not walk & put weight on his left leg so they would still need to send an ambulance. The community responder left at 11. I was amazed to  hear he was a volunteer. What a star. The ambulance arrived at 1230 ish & took him to hospital at 130. At 450 G rang me to say they had discharged him. He told me he had a C T scan & it was clear. 

I picked him up & we got back & he carried on drinking. Although he did not drink too much he was topping up & still seemed very drunk &  in the afternoon he lost feeling & use of his left arm and leg again. He was on the phone to the doctors at the time,  & they said to call 999  right away. Another ambulance came & they took him straight into the back of the ambulance. In 20 minutes he had a massive row with the paramedic who said he was lying about being discharged. G said he was confrontational & argumentative & he was not going to go in the ambulance with him. I must admit when he first came in he stopped me  right away when I tried to say something, & in retrospect I did feel in the few moments I was in his company,  he may have been a bit of a control freak. I don't think G was wrong about him. 

G fell out of the ambulance as did not have feeling in his left leg & they did not try to help him up: I did. He came back in. I was ready to drive him to hospital myself but he started getting feeling back & was adamant he did not want to go to hospital. Still fairly drunk he wanted me to drive to get him more cider. I said no I would go & get some after he had a sleep. He went to put his shoes  on to walk to the shop & I broke down & pleaded with him in tears to go to bed & I would go & get supplies after he woke up. I was an emotional mess & he did as I asked & went upstairs to bed. Phew.

He should have gone to hospital. He should not have been discharged Wednesday early hours (I am still not sure if he was).

Thursday he took it slower on the ciders. He did not get pissed but still had 9 ciders. Friday he's really ill with typical symptoms of pancreatitis: stomach pains feeling sick. Today he had had a bad night & in the day could not eat much,  & could not move much. He took painkillers due to stomach pains which only eased them a little bit. He only drank 5 ciders today & 2 of those  he drank in the daytime  to just stop the shakes. He has been very poorly all day.

This happens regularly: serious  illness  when he has pains & just needs to stay still,  but it seems he has still taken more notice of this,  than what he experienced in the week  which I feel was a bigger warning sign. The hospital reckoned it was a TIA & it looks like it happened again the next day. 

He will now take it really easy for a week or 2 because of how ill he felt yesterday & today & maybe not so much because of what happened Tuesday & Wednesday, which I feel was a lot scarier & a bigger warning sign. I'm always hopeful that after starting to be careful it will continue but in my experience as he starts to feel better the alcohol intake increases and then he binges again. I really hope I can report back on here that he doesn't slip back this time but I'm not confident.

A few steps forward & a few back

I knew I hadn't posted for a while but did not know it had been so long. In June I had a couple of horrible weekends on high alert waiting & hoping for G to sleep to give me & him a break from his drinking & then he got ill again & for a couple of weeks (longer than other times) he was being really careful & limiting the number of ciders he would drink in a day. Evenings were pleasant. We actually watched dramas together without pausing it every minute or 2 & taking  up to 3 hours to watch an hour programme. Although I don't mind pausing & chatting I hate it when a drama is bitty.  

He did say he rang the doctors about getting help with trying to cut back on drinking & he told me they are making a referral but I'm not sure if he did as I've not heard anymore about this. Generally he is still aware & trying to cut back but the numbers of drinks in a day has risen again. He is not getting as pissed as much, but he is having some days nights where he is still. Friday for example was a pretty horrible night where G got drunk, & I was totally exhausted after my working week & just wanted to chill & watch something & he got angry with me & shouted at me for a good hour because I'm boring. I'm like a 95 year old woman not 57. I am however 57 and do not have the energy I had when we first met. 

Tonight  as I am on holiday this week G had bought some Pimms and we were watching Wimbledom. He had Pimms as well, & topping up his daytime cider & drinking it quickly he has got really quite drunk. However the good thing is he didn't get angry & took himself to bed when the TV got blurry. We have talked about if he got help & managed to stop drinking I would stop as well & I will, but for now I drink a lot slower. I mostly pace myself, set myself a limit & go to bed when I've had that limit. I do have a bit too much occasionally but I can count the number of times I have got a bit drunk myself this year on less than  2 hands. 

There has been progress & less blips recently. It has however been a dedicated forward & then a few back.

Getting increasingly worried

As you will know if you read my last post G had a bit of a binge last weekend & this week he was meant to be on an inland flight to go his celebrate his best friends big birthday. I did try to say to him last weekend he could make himself ill for his trip, but when your pissed you don't listen. He was meant to be travelling on Thursday so on Wednesday he took it easy. Through that night he was up being sick. In the morning he could not move without being sick & had really severe stomach pains (pancreatitis pains). He was really  ill & if he had gone to the doctors they would have sent him to hospital.  Needless to say he could not fly when he could not even move.

Later in the afternoon he had the worse shakes I have ever seen him have, it was quite scary so he had to have a cider. I'm getting increasingly worried because the next day (Friday) he felt better & it was if he had not been so ill & he got through 9 ciders & was not overly drunk, but was quite drunk nonetheless. Today he got through 13 ciders & was slurring before he fell asleep on the sofa while we were watching  a drama. 

The binges are getting worse & actually could maybe not call them binges anymore as it's most days. When he gets ill it's getting worse. The shakes are getting worse. If he carries on like this he will kill himself. When he is sober he is very caring & loving and I do love him, but I don't like him at all when he's drunk. When he drunk he is selfish. When he is sober he does realise what he is doing to himself & to me but then he grabs another drink. I am getting increasingly worried. It's like he on self destruct & when he is drinking he does not care about the affect of  his actions for people around him: people who love him. 

Typical saturday night

Tonight has been a typical Saturday & I've just had to go upstairs & change the bedclothes completely as G was sick everywhere. While that's not typical. What was typical was seeing G Get more  pissed as the day went on. Him getting annoyed with our Dog, who picks up like I do, when he gets pissed &  actually gets  jumpy &  scared of him. G getting annoyed with me & getting angry at me if I say anything he may not agree with. G really wanted to watch a film tonight which we had to buy & then due to drinking all day had to go to bed well before it finished. Don't get me wrong I was relieved when he went up to bed but no rest for the wicked. I've just been up clearing up sick. He is back asleep now. Let's hope it stays that way Xxx

Struggling until payday

So with other families when money is running out before payday they may budget to make sure they have enough essentials to last. That's what I would do but then I'm with G. Alcohol is expensive. Last weekend we had £40 to last until payday & we had all the shopping for the weekend. G went through what he had to drink for the whole weekend in 2 days,  & spent £12 on cider in Sunday. £6 on Monday £6 on Tuesday and  the same the rest of the week, extra pennies were  spent on bread milk etc. 

We had to borrow some money & got very limited food for this weekend & I like a drink at the weekend but I cut back & we planned so we could make sure G had enough to last until payday (Wednesday) He cannot seem to pace  himself. He can't seem to realise there will be no more & it's Saturday night & he had got through all his supplies. Tonight I could not relax as he could not stand without falling over until he got up to bed. He is in bed now. Phew. The problem is if there is no money for Cider & he has nothing to drink he will start hallucinating & I can't manage his detoxing. 

I have a good job with a good wage but every month we run out of money mainly due to the cost of alcohol G needs. It's embarrassing if I am honest to  say that's why I can't do something. I am also quite angry about not having bread or milk for my coffee because we had enough money but it went on cider. 

Tonight Geoff 's right hand went numb for a moment & I thought his mouth did drop one side for a bit bit it came back. Phew, but I thought if he was having a  stroke an ambulance would take him to hospital but I would have no money to visit him or pick him up until Wednesday. Only G can sort this out. He does have days in the week when he cuts back. He needs to cut back. Step up. Get a job & start contributing towards the cost  of his alcohol !

Its worrying but not all bad

I've had a bit to drink tonight. I do enjoy a drink too, but I get a bit drunk only at weekends when I don't have to wake up for work the next day. This week I have been getting increasingly worried as the days G is being careful is less &  more days he  is drinking more ciders than we can afford. I say afford as in financially but also for his health.  Last night he was violently sick & he said it was nothing to do with alcohol. It was to do with using an alternative to Fry light!! I am getting worried he is slowly killing  himself and I can't stop him.

I want to note however while I am discussing the difficulties of living with an alcholic that when G is being careful, taking it easy, and is not pissed he is great. He is so caring. He does all the housework, all the cooking, he does lots in the garden: growing potatoes, lettuce. Tomatoes etc. we can eat. We enjoy  watching period & detective dramas together that we would not enjoy so much on our own. We play scrabble & trivial pursuit. It's not all bad. When he does not drink too much, and I don't have to tell him what we did half an hour before it's all good.

Hopeful for the weekend

After last weekend, when Monday was almost as bad G felt really poorly on Tuesday & cut right back on the cider. Wednesday he popped to the local shop instead of heading to a supermarket & bought Blackthorn which is evil. It's much stronger & not as clean so he got quite pissed in the day & then carried on drinking too much.  He had couple really angry nasty rants at me which seemed to come out of nowhere. Thursday we had a big night out: a concert which was postponed due to Covid for a band he loves. He was having to go to the toilet all day & I was worried he would say he couldn't go but it was ok. We went. It was fantastic.  Today he has been taking it easy & due to a couple of poorly days in the week I am hopeful he will be careful with his intake this weekend & it will be a better one.

Not allowed to chill

So this week has been the busiest week at work & I was looking forward to the weekend, but so far it's been one of the most horrible weekends for a while. 

During the week went G was poorly on Monday (pancreatitis symptoms) so he took it easy on Monday, Felt better on Tuesday so took it easy again & then Wednesday forgot all about feeling so ill & the consumption of cider went up. Friday after I finished, absolutely shattered, G said I'm going to get pissed tonight & he did. It went downhill from there. Both mornings G has woken & drunk cider right away. This morning I got up at 845 & he was already drunk. He was slurring at 10 & then starting going faint & falling. Once in the bathroom & then in the kitchen. I don't have a high tolerance when he gets this pissed all weekend. I'm in a constant high anxiety state & just wish he would fall asleep so I get some peace & he does not drink for a while.

I have the right to have a cpichilled weekend after a busy week cornerat work. I have the right not to be a complete nervous wreck all weekend. I have the right not to have to listen to drunken waffle all day long repeating the same things over& over again. I have the right to some peace. Even  if as he says he a happy drunk if I say any of these things I then get not so happy & angry G. I spent all day yesterday trying to hide my anxiety & jumpiness. Today I didn't hide it so well and I 'm a drama queen & overreacting. I am getting a bit of peace now as he has fallen asleep. I'm just hoping he's asleep for enough time to sober up a bit & then he takes it easy on the cider later. It's been a shitty weekend. 

Ups and downs

It's been a bit of a rocky road since my last post. One thing I've realised is It's no good writing a blog about living with an alcoholic if I don't post at least once a week as it doesn't capture the whole story.

There are days  when G calms his drinking & I think ok maybe this is going to be a permanent change, but it has not turned out that way so far. A couple of weeks ago after G having a binge 3 or 4 days, he was really ill. It scared him &he cut down for almost 2 weeks. It was so bad I thought he would have to go to hospital again. He cut down so much one day he saw trails from his hands moving. He cannot stop completely or he will start hallucinating. I could not manage him coming off at home due to hallucinations etc. & we discussed this & I said maybe he needs to go into hospital or somewhere for a proper detox. He said he would cut it down slowly & do it himself. I felt hopeful. 

He was drinking tea in the daytime & just having 5 ciders a day at that point but then it went up to 6 & then 7 & yesterday he had 12 & last night he was so pissed I was on high alert & Tiger was really nervous. Today has been really shitty. He could not drink tea & topped up the alcohol from last night after his first drink. I woke feeling poorly with a head cold & instead of being able to rest I have been on high alert all day. Tiger has been really nervous & scared of G who has been irratic, unpredictable, & had fits of anger if I am jumpy about his behaviour, or tried to say why our Dog is nervous. He kept saying he was not at all pissed. 

Come the evening & he was having blackouts & falling over when he stood up & then saying what's that all about?! It happens a lot when binging gets too much. His Pancreas just  cannot cope. All day I was wishing he would fall asleep to give himself a break from drinking but he didnt. He started on my gin. Not good. When I heard a massive few bangs when he went to  the toilet I went in and he has fallen in the bath. He looked stuck but I managed to get him out & insist he went up to bed which thank goodness he did.

Since I posted last it's been lots of up and downs.  We have many days when he is careful & evenings are calm & I am hopeful. 

I don't always get a chance to post on here as when I finish work we are together & I would not be able to write a post without him noticing. However for a proper diary I need to post more, so I aim to post at least weekly & I 'm going to be able to do so as I will post in my lunch breaks from work when I'm up in my office (the spare room) When I'm working he does not ask me to account for everything I do.