Sunday, December 02, 2007

Taking a break

I haven’t forgotten about blogging, I’ve been up to my neck in boxes, as I’m moving house this week. When I move I will be offline for up to three weeks, while the connection is sorted again. Therefore I’m just posting a note to say, I’m taking a break and will be back in a few weeks.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Half term Halloween fun

With Halloween approaching and a fair few of my friends dressing up to go out on Wednesday, I decided to make an outfit. I had a black top which I had fabric painted with cobwebs already, and a beady cobweb mask I had made, so I set out to make a cobweb skirt to go with it. I brought some interfacing and drew cobwebs all over it and cut them out, leaving a band at the top so I could tie it round me like a sarong.

Tuesday the Achilles tendon in my ankle was suffering from shooting pains and I couldn’t walk on it easily, so I almost dismissed the idea of going out. However on Wednesday after going round to face paint a friend of mine, I got into the spirit of the night a bit more. So at the last minute, I took some painkillers, dressed up and went down to town.

Being a Wednesday, it was the open mic night and lots of people were out. I saw a couple of really good friends I hadn’t seen for ages and it was great to catch up. Before I’d had too many drinks I got up and sang a song (Sweet bride by Kate Rusby), that I had been practising. I had sung a few times, but I get so nervous and I find I’m shaking when I get off the stage. Although I still felt shaky when I got off, I felt more confident up there this week, and my confidence was portrayed in my voice. I quite often sing with my eyes closed, but this time I had my eyes open for some of it. Afterwards I had lots of people coming up and saying I sounded really good, so I was really pleased, and of course it was good for my ego.

My skirt didn’t fair so well. As I had cut it out of interfacing a couple of the cobwebs were pulled off while getting on and off chairs. However I kept them, and as I’m off to a ‘fright night’ party tonight, I set about remaking it. I was going to buy some white netting, make a skirt, and iron the interfacing onto that, but then I remembered in a bag of jumble there was a white skirt my daughter was throwing out. So I ironed the cobwebs onto it and cut them out leaving the waistband at the top. Not only does it look really good now (much better than a netting skirt would look), it’s also stronger and I’ll have it for Halloween another year. At some point, in the next week, I will post photo’s of my outfit up on my ‘my space’.

I’m looking forward to some more Halloween fun tonight, and I am hoping to catch up with another bunch of friends I haven’t caught out socially for ages. It’s been a half term of Halloween fun.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Where does the time go?

Where does the time go? I can’t believe it’s been so long since I last posted a blog. Yesterday, while I was writing an article that I needed to finish for the Wednesday posting on my ‘Jax writers spot’ blog (see my links), I checked in with my space, as I often do whenever I feel like a quick break. The only problem was I got the most attention I had ever received on ‘my space’. I had loads of messages from people I didn’t know, including a fair few declarations of love which I now just delete, and I had around 20 friend requests. I couldn’t understand it.

The article I was writing about hyperactivity in children and diet involved writing up studies etc, in an interesting readable fashion, and it needed a lot of my energy. In retrospect I should not have looked at my space, as in the end it became quite overwhelming.

Of all the requests I only added three friends. I’ve only been on ‘my space’ about 6 months and although I do want to make friends on my space, I don’t want to have pages of friends that are difficult for me and other people to wade through. I’m not the typical my spacer. A lot of the requests were from Music profiles and although I love music and have a fair few music friends, I don’t add too much music. I prefer to add music friends if I know them, or have seen them or have the opportunity to see them (i.e they are from my part of the country), or I really really like the music.

I also had a friend request from the Ingrams and I looked at their profile. Charles and Diane share the profile and I saw he was an author, however I recognised the name, and couldn’t remember from where. So I googled him and found they were the couple who had cheated on 'Who wants to be a millionaire'.

I also had requests from people/music groups, who had lots of friends who are young girls scantily clad in underwear. I am quite a political person and believe being constantly bombarded by ‘tits and arse’ does a lot to create problems with body image for women, causing low self esteem and possibly contributing to developing eating disorders. Not everyone is a size 10 (or should I say 0 now), women who may be a bit older, who don’t have such smooth skin, or have a bit of a fuller figure than these girls are still beautiful women. It’s what’s inside that counts, not how someone looks.

I feel the friends I have on ‘my space’ reflect me. So forgive me for being a bit selective. On a positive side I have met some lovely people on my space, and write regularly to a couple of women friends I have made. A fair few of my friends also log in each week and read my ‘Jax writers spot’ article and it quite often develops into a discussion about what I have written about. Although yesterday was a little overwhelming, it was also very amusing, and the positives of ‘my space’, for me, outweigh the negatives.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Jack of all trades Master of none

Why do people say they are a jack of all trades and master of none as if it’s a negative quality? Being a jack of all trades, and not being particularly brilliant at any one thing, has a very negative press in today’s meritocratic competitive society, which demands we are the best at what we do, and doesn’t allow for second best.

However what being a jack of all trades means for me is that I’m interested in so many things. So I’m not going to be the best at anything, but I will enjoy everything I put my mind to. It’s not negative!

I sing at the open mic, I have a good voice and don’t sing out of tune, but I’m never going to make a living out of singing, I just enjoy it. I can also turn my hand to crafts and sewing, when my children were little I made their clothes. Recently I was passed a bag of corduroy trousers (in too big a size to wear) but I couldn’t throw them away, and ended up making a patchwork bag with them. I make my beady models, which I can never make a living out of, because they take so many hours to make but being creative with beads feeds my soul. I am a jack of all trades but a master of none and I’m proud of that.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Free Burma

Troops in Rangoon opened fire on monks and their supporters on the bloodiest days of week long protests last week. Soldiers fired automatic weapons at protesters; the deaths came as thousands of protesters defied an increasingly violent government crackdown on public protests.

Burma is ruled by one of the most brutal military dictatorships in the world; a dictatorship charged by the United Nations with a “crime against humanity” for its systematic abuses of human rights, and condemned internationally for refusing to transfer power to the legally elected Government of the country – the party led by Nobel Peace Laureate Aung San Suu Kyi. Aung San Suu Kyi is now serving her third term of house arrest. She was arrested on 30 May, 2003 after the regime's militia attacked her convoy and killed up to 100 of her supporters.

Please show your support today. Sign a petition, write a blog, and get your voice heard. Log onto http://www2.free-burma.org/index.php?view=1

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Writing is in my blood.

I went out the other night and I had great friends around me, but I felt so alone. It was a fancy dress night for a friend’s birthday and I went as a tree, I had brought a dress which was too short, and I ended up sewing loads of leaves onto it for a festival fancy dress night in the summer, so I thought I’d wear it again (you can see a photo of my tree outfit on my ‘my space’ link on the right). I had a fair few drinks but it didn’t loosen me up. Even though the people around me included me so much, and I chatted with loads of people I felt so alone. The night illustrates where my head has been at for some time.

I’ve wanted to post a blog before, but I haven’t had much positive to say, I’ve not been in a good frame of mind for many weeks. I worry that maybe prospective publishers will read my ‘planet ug’ blog and think I might not manage to keep up and deliver. However suffering from depression doesn’t mean I can’t be a valuable member of society and deliver work when I need too. Truth is I do keep up and deliver. Even though I’ve been feeling life is hopeless, not worth the effort, and if it wasn’t for my kids and the fact I’m a coward (in that way) I could have given up, I have kept writing. I have done a lot of writing the past few weeks helping a friend with a media project, and I’ve delivered. I’ve made contacts for future articles, and I’ve carried on posting an article a week on my ‘Jax writers spot’ blog. Writing is in my blood and I believe I am good at it.

I wanted to be a journalist when I was at school, which an old friend of mine reminded me of the other day, and I didn’t follow it because I didn’t believe in myself, I didn’t believe I could do it. I was steered by my parents and careers advisors (of which I was one for many years) to go towards a less ambitious caring type of job. As much as I love my Mum and Dad, when I suggested I wanted to do an Open University degree at 20something, my Mum said she didn’t think I was clever enough, so instead I did some GCSE’s. 10 years later I went to University and got a first. I know I can do it. I got a first because I am a good researcher, I can tune in with what people want me to produce, and I am motivated and interested in what I’m researching, which enables me to produce the goods. Put your trust in me and I will deliver.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

We are free, Be merry

It’s been a busy and rather stressful week and a half since I last blogged. My ex husband Mark who decided he wasn’t going to come down after I said I didn’t want him staying here, did come down in the end. I knew he wouldn’t fork out for bed and breakfast so the compromise was I disappeared for the weekend while he came down. Luckily I had the opportunity to stay at a friend’s caravan while he was away.

Mark came down on the Friday, and on the Saturday I drove Tamsin to Exeter to her new house, ready for the 2nd year at Uni. It took 2½ hours to drive up, due to getting caught in slow traffic. The house is great, she sharing it with 3 girlfriends and they had already made their mark on the place. One of the girls had done drawings of all of them, and there was one waiting for Tamsin to put up on her chosen kitchen cupboard. I made better time driving back and got back around four.

On Sunday morning and I got a text from Megs saying ‘Dads gone we need bread milk and toilet roll’. Typical I thought, this is why I’m wiping my hands of him; he had stayed all weekend helped himself to food, but had not gone out and brought anything that had run out. Instead of buying Megan the camera she needed for GCSE work he had brought her his old one, which is good but I have to buy an attachment so we can load photos onto the computer. After not contributing financially towards Megan’s keep for so long, he gave her £20! Whoopee do!

On Monday it was back to normality, and I was able to get on with some writing. I’ve been helping a friend out who is producing a media project for the Port Elliot Literary festival, and needed to get on with writing up the talks I had seen there. One of the talks I had been most eager to see was Tom Hodginson; founder and editor of the ‘Idler’, who was talking about the history of Anarchism. He wasn’t the best of speakers and it didn’t flow particularly well, but the content of the talk was very interesting. I started writing it up and after two days I think I had got it to flow. At the end of his talk he read out his ‘Freedom manifesto’ he had written for his book ‘How to be free’ which I had got on the Dictaphone very clearly. I suggested to my friend it would be great to have a link to the sound recording on her media project. Anyway here it is:


“Death to the supermarkets
Bake bread
Play the ukulele
Open the village hall
Action is futile
Quit moaning
Make music
Stop consuming
Start producing
Back to the land
Smash usury
Embrace beauty
Embrace poverty
Hail the chisel
Ignore the state
Reform is futile
Anarchy in the UK
Hail the spade
Hail the horse
Hail the quill
Love thy neighbour
Be creative
Free your spirit
Dig the Earth
Make compost
Life is absurd
We are free
Be merry”


PS. Look out for the full article on Jax writers spot blog in the next couple of weeks (link on the right of this page)

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Atonement

I’ve been to see Atonement today at the Cinema. It wasn’t what I expected, or as good as I expected it to be. It was however very emotionally powerful, and the cinema-photography was absolutely top notch, and I loved how it played around with time. It showed an event as seen through one character and then shows it again as seen through another character. It was successful in portraying how people’s perspectives can be completely different, upon witnessing the same event, and how judgements and conclusions can be made.

However I expected more from it, it didn’t have that element that had you constantly thinking what’s going to happen next. It was actually quite boring in places. It failed to draw me in. Anyone who’s seen the advertisement for it probably knows the lead man (Robbie) gets accused of something unfairly. After that happens the film, I think, loses it’s identity. They seemed to forget the story and only want to deliver the message of how crap it was for soldiers in France in the 2nd world war, of which they did a faultless job. In doing this they lost the essence of the film, which was the love between Robbie and Cecilia.

In conclusion I would say go and see Atonement at the cinema to see the amazing cinema-photography but don’t expect much else.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Confucius says:

"If you look into your own heart, and find you have nothing to worry about. What is there to fear?"

Saturday, September 08, 2007

I've had enough

I am so angry! It’s probably not a good time to do a posting. I’m giving up on my useless ex husband. I don’t care if I never see him again in my life. All I ask is he gives a bit of money towards Megan, to help pay for stuff like clothes, things she needs for school etc. I asked him if he could help pay for her camping holiday this year as I couldn’t afford it on my own, and he said he would but didn’t.

He didn’t even get her or Tamsin and Alice, a Christmas or birthday present, and I end up paying for everything. I sold the family home because he wanted money, and I wanted to stop the constant phone calls hassling me. He’s spent all the left over money he had on travelling around the world, while I’m still paying out whenever any of them want anything. So today I get angry, it really is like talking to a brick wall. Does he not understand although Megs is here he is still jointly responsible for his children?

Trouble is as he’s in India most of the time now, there’s nothing I can do about it. If he was in this country, and they hadn’t seen him or seen any financial support, I would have approached the child support agency by now. I’ve had enough I’m wiping my hands of him. Over the past few years the kids have lost a lot of respect for their dad. Megan gets really upset, because she’s only seen him once this year and he was going to go back to India without coming down and seeing her again. It’s me that has to console her when she’s in tears because she thinks her dad doesn’t want to know.

Instead of me rushing around trying to get him to come down to see them, it’s now up to him and he can sort it out with them. I’ve had enough.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Normal blogging will now resume after the summer break.

Although I spent a couple of hours baking in the sun on the beach today, it is still the end of the summer holidays. We’ve been to the last festival, and Megs is back to school on Thursday.

The Aeon festival was great, and the sun shone for the whole weekend. I would have gone home if it had rained after the last two mudbath festivals. It was small and intimate (I think they sold around 1400 weekend tickets) and it was easier to get chatting to people. The bands I saw were great including Evie Vine and Obedient Bone. They had an exhibition with some amazing art, and a farm shop selling some lovely organic food and drinks.

One of the highlights for me was the bookcycle stall where you say the price. Bookcycle raise money to send books to schools in poverty stricken areas of Africa by selling books. What a brilliant idea. They were situated in a marquee type tent at the top of a field with amazing views, and they had armchairs and cushions in so you could just sit there and read

I had taken a few beers and some gin and tonic, and although they had a bar, I only spent £30 all weekend. £15 of that was in the farm shop, £3 was spent on a present and we also got 7 books between us for which I paid at least a pound each. It was great value for money.

It was great to spend time with Alice, my daughter, who lives with her boyfriend in a flat in town. She is 18 and has two jobs to pay all her bills etc, so I hardly get to spend time with her. Only problem was she is not used to spending time outside, and it was so sunny on Saturday, she got sunburnt and spent the evening feeling unwell, shivering but hot.

Now the summer holidays are over I need to get on the case with writing and need to try and sell my writing, as well as working on my book. There are no excuses any more. Normal blogging will now resume.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Another mudbath weekend

I think I’m getting too old for this camping lark. This weekend my friend Rach and I made our way up to Beautiful Days festival near Exeter. The Friday went really well. Last year we arrived there about 10 and spent over an hour in a queue to get in, this year we left later and there was no queue. We got in found our friends and set up camp in the dry. We wandered in to the main area, and went to get a drink and got served right away, even when we went to get food we didn’t have a wait. It seemed like we were blessed.

We got right down the front for Mr Hudson and the library http://www.myspace.com/mrhudson and danced our socks off, and then caught Willy Mason http://www.myspace.com/willymason who rocked up some of his more chilled songs, and everyone sang along to Oxygen. He finished just in time to get to the main stage to see K.T.Tunstall, who was the first female to headline at Beautiful Days. She played songs from her last album and some of her new ones. I had thought she may not produce an album as good as the first, however the new songs rocked. She has so much energy and such a powerful voice, for me she was the highlight of the evening.

Afterwards we went to find the dance tent, which had moved so we went to the Tiny tea tent for some brandy hot chocolate, and ended up staying there all night chatting to lots of people. They were playing some great music and around 3 they started playing swing which was great fun. We got back to our tents at around 4 and I slept in till 3 on Saturday afternoon.

I knew Friday had been too good to last, Saturday it rained all day, and I’d left my wellies in the car. I wasn’t inspired to go wandering at all, I sat in my friend’s big tent and drank coffee, and eventually took the plunge to go and see Dreadzone http://www.myspace.com/gregdread. My shoes were really slippy and the whole time I was out I was having panic attacks and felt really tearful. After Dreadzone I decided I had to get back before it got dark so I missed Gogol Bordello who I was really looking forward to. I was disappointed with myself but I was very wobbly, and felt relieved when I made it back.

Sunday I was on a mission to enjoy myself, we retrieved our wellies from the car and I wandered in and had a look around the stalls. I was dead chuffed to find a leather embroidered tobacco pouch for £4. I hadn’t seen any of my friends who I knew were there, but in the afternoon I bumped into everyone. We got to the main stage for Babyhead http://www.myspace.com/babyheadbristol who were probably the best band I saw all weekend. They put on a great show. We spent all afternoon wandering and catching other acts, and headed back for half an hour to grab some more money and my gin and tonic ready for the evening out.

In the evening I mainly danced. I danced to the Samba band, a couple of Irish folk bands, and Afro Celt Soundsystem http://www.myspace.com/afrocelts who didn’t seem to be on for any time at all. And then danced in the Pussy parlour to some funky tunes, which wasn’t too crowded as the Levellers were also on. After the Levellers it became too crowded and I was a good girl and headed back to the tent.

All in all it was a fun weekend, although Saturday for me was a washout, I made up for it on the Sunday. Monday morning the heavens opened and totally soaked to the skin I packed up a dripping tent and Rach and I struggled up the hill with all our stuff. The car park was a field, and dotted all over the place were cars with their hazard lights on. There were also a couple of tractors zooming around and giving cars a tow to the lane.

I was able to change in the car, so I had dry clothes on, which was just as well as we were in the queue to get out for about an hour. We did get stuck once and just put our hazard lights on when the car behind gave us a push. The mud in some places was about 8 inches deep, and when we did finally get out the brakes weren’t too good. We got back around 3 and I jumped in the shower and then into bed and stayed there. I was absolutely shattered and I could feel my legs starting to ache from all the walking in mud and dancing over the weekend.

I have one more festival this weekend and if it wasn’t for the kids going I would have quite happily not gone. I didn’t want to face camping in the rain and mud again, but luckily it looks like its going to be hot. I so hope they’re right.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Up to my eye-balls in it

It doesn’t seem like I’ve had a moment to relax the past couple of weeks, I’ve been up to my eye-balls in it. I’ve had so much writing to do; I’ve still got writing to do about the Port Elliot festival, and have had an article for Vitality Matters to write (which I finished today), as well as keeping up with my weekly magazine blog. I’m getting lots out there, and now I just need to get paid. Another few weeks and I’m on the case.

On top of that I’ve been quite a social butterfly. I went to Falmouth for a night the other week and caught up with many of my lovely friends from Uni. It was great to catch up and I don’t know why I hadn’t made it down before. Ian’s mum, Josie, came down on holiday and I took her out for a day around the North Cornwall coast. I really like Josie and we had a lovely day. I’ve also been to the beach with Megs and her friends, not that I did much but lie down and catch the rays.

I’ve been so busy, on Saturday morning I woke up with a sense of dread when I realised Beautiful days is on this weekend. It all seemed very overwhelming. Megs is off to a week camp with her Youth club on the Saturday, and I’m off on Friday, which needs a lot of organising. I’ve had to make sure someone is here for her on Friday and someone can pick her up to take her down on Saturday morning. I also need to pack for two separate trips. I haven’t done any packing yet, and I’m dedicating the day to sorting everything out tomorrow.

On top of everything, on Sunday, I was offered a ticket to do face painting at Beautiful days. A couple of years ago I would have grabbed at the chance, as I had face painted at fetes and parties and the chance to get into face painting at festivals would have been my dream. I could have sold my ticket and been quids in, but as I’ve been so snowed under, and really needed a break I turned it down.

I feeling more on top of it, now I’ve finished the article for Vitality, and it all seems more achievable. I am actually getting quite excited. There are some brilliant bands I want to catch, including K.T.Tunstall, Afro Celt Sound System, Mr Hudson and the Library, and Gogol Bordello. And they have a shit hot dance tent with music till the early hours. Party on! I just hope it doesn’t rain too much; some sunny days would be nice.

No doubt my next posting will provide all the details of how the weekend went.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

The power of crystals.

About two months ago I was feeling pretty low and I decided a bit of retail therapy was in order. When I was younger I had a couple of necklaces (one after the other) I would wear all the time, and I had in mind I wanted one again, one I could wear 24/7, and I wanted a crystal.

I was drawn to, and picked out a rainbow obsidian. After I had brought it I realised it was rainbow obsidian Ian had given me a year ago. A year ago when I was given it, I felt I couldn’t wear it; it was not right for me at the time. So I looked it up in ‘The crystal bible’ by Judy Hall (an inexpensive book for anyone interested in crystals).

Judy says obsidian:

“works extremely fast and with great power. Its truth-enhancing, reflective qualities are merciless in exposing flaws, weaknesses and blockages. Nothing can be hidden from obsidian…………….Obsidian impels us to grow and lends solid support while we do so.”

She suggests it is best used by qualified therapists as it can bring negative emotions to the surface, which needs to be dealt with. However it is also a very spiritually protective stone. Many people find its powerful effects overpowering and prefer a gentler stone. Reading the information on obsidian I felt I was ready for it at the time when I was drawn to it, but not a year earlier.

I wore it for a couple of months and I think it did bring a lot to light, which I dealt with. However I think wearing it for so long it ended up bringing me down and for the past few weeks I’ve been dealing with really horrible lows. At Maker at the weekend I got an amethyst pendant and on Saturday morning I put it on.

Yesterday (Wednesday) I read up on amethyst in Judy’s bible. Reflecting on changes in me since Saturday I was surprised to hear what the book said. I knew it was a good all-rounder, but what was said seems to suggest it is really the right crystal for me at the moment.

Amethyst is a natural tranquillizer, blocking stress. It has strong healing and cleansing powers and enhances spiritual awareness. It’s traditionally worn to prevent drunkenness, and has a:

“sobering effect on overindulgence”

On Saturday night I went out for a bit and had a good time but I wasn’t bothered about drinking, and I had two gin and tonics all evening.

Amethyst is also beneficial to the mind, as it can be calming or stimulating as required. It can bring restful sleep for people who suffer insomnia because of an overactive mind.

“Amethyst balances out highs and lows, promoting emotional centering, it dispels anger, rage, fear and anxiety……………Amethyst can stabilize psychiatric disorders but should not be used in cases of paranoia or schizophrenia.”

Since Saturday I have been feeling more positive. For the past few weeks the extra weight on my body has been really affecting me and bringing me down, and since the weekend I’ve been happier with my body. I’ve been focused and been able to get on with writing and keeping the house tidy. And (this is the biggy), I haven’t been anxious and fearful when I wake up.

Physically amethyst boosts production of hormones, and can boost the metabolism. It’s also cleanses the blood, and can be useful for healing dis-eases of the respiratory tract, and digestive system.

I will have to wait and see if any of the physical benefits come to fruition.

I do suffer from depression, however I am essentially a positive person, my outgoing persona was always happy Jacqui and although now sometimes I can’t hide how I feel, most of the time I can keep that persona up. I’ve always had a critical mind, I’ve always questioned everything, but I have reached a stage where I feel I need to accept some things I can’t explain. If I find something that works for me, I will believe in it. The belief in the crystal I’ve picked, is working for me at the moment, and I don’t want to shut my mind down to any spiritual influence in my life.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Maker Sunshine more like Maker Rain.

Well I suppose with over 20 years of going to festivals it’s pretty good going that I went to my first completely wet weekend festival. It wasn’t looking good on Monday when my friend I was going with pulled out of going. She has lichen sclerosus (LS) see my article about her: http://www.lichensclerosus.org/sitemapandcontents.html. Unfortunately, this year her LS flared up again so with the amount of care it needs it was just not practical for her to come.

Luckily another friend (Alexis) who I hadn’t caught up with for ages was up for it and took the ticket. As I drove over on Thursday morning to pick her up from St Austell, there was torrential rain and floods on the roads. It didn’t bode well. Driving on the site was scary due to the car slipping and sliding on the mud. However as we were setting up the tents it stopped raining and we had a dry evening.

With all the organisation and driving I was absolutely shattered. So we saw a few bands and then I went back to the tent and listened to Babyhead playing on the main stage who were really good (some of their songs reminded me a bit of Chumba Whamba). I was really cold and couldn’t get warm despite having two sleeping bags and being fully dressed with a fleecy on.

As the sun hit the tent, Friday morning, I shed some layers and went back to sleep. Friday it more or less rained all day, we shopped a bit watched a few bands but spent a lot of the time in the tents. I started reading ‘The Dubliners’ by James Joyce, which is a selection of stories about Dubliners in the 1920’s (I think). By 8.30 I was ready to party and went down to see the 3daft monkeys (http://www.myspace.com/3daftmonkeys). As I walked in I saw some friends I hadn’t seen since beautiful days last year. Beautiful people I wish I saw more of. We all went onto see Obedient bone (www.myspace.com/obedientbone) who were absolutely brilliant. They were on at the 2nd stage and there was a lot more room to dance. We then went onto the bunkers, where the party happens after the bands, and danced to some rather un-banging dance music.

After a dance we sat in the café and apparently I was being chatted up but didn’t realise it. I had drunk lots of Gin and Tonic, and as I went to go somewhere (can’t remember where) I said to the bloke “you can keep chatting my friend up I’m just going ……..”(still can’t remember where). Anyway she told me in the morning it was me he was chatting up, which is very flattering as he was probably late twenties and I’m forty one.

Saturday was the same, dry for a bit in the morning until the rain set in for the day. We stayed down in the main area for a few hours and I caught up with some other good friends I hadn’t seen for ages. I have a fair few beautiful friends living near Callington and near Lostwithiel, and while I’ve been doing my course, I’ve not gone to any get togethers as they are normally full on party’s you need a couple of days to get over, and I’ve needed to stay focused. Hence this year it was so lovely to catch up with them again.

Then as the rain started and got worse we headed for the tent and stayed there till the evening. Whenever we went down to the main area the mud had got worse, and it was difficult to walk without falling over even if you were completely sober/straight, which lets face it not too many people are at a festival. However we did manage a bit of shopping again, the stalls there were filled with delights. I was very good, I didn’t spend too much. I brought a couple of gifts for my friends who lent us an extra tent, I brought Ian a bangle, I got Rachel (Megs friend whose birthday it was and was at the festival with us) a bracelet and I also got a voodoo doll t-shirt for a fiver.

The only thing I was really looking for was a crystal pendant and I had looked at a lovely amethyst pendant on Friday. It was £15 but as we approached the stall again Alexis said she would pay half as a thank you for inviting her to the festival and the driving. So I got it.

At about nine Megs started feeling sick and tucked herself up in the car. She had two friends with her who wandered off and kept coming back to check up on her. I sat in the car with her and we had a really good chat. The clock in the car was wrong, as I said I would stay until Alabama3 started playing, and we were still chatting away when I heard “Put you hands together for Alabama3”. I got down there before they finished their first song.

I was a little bit disappointed they were not as energetic as they normally are. In fact I’d go as far as saying they were laid back and more suitable for an early evening or early morning slot. But I still enjoyed their set. It was fancy dress night and I had made an outfit, which I wore. I was a tree. I had sewn and drawn leaves onto a little green dress, and a hat. Only about 5% of the people dressed up but the people who made an effort really did make an effort. There were some amazing outfits to see, including aliens, the mask, the clangers, ladybirds, and lots of fairies.

Sunday morning as my friends woke up early, who had come over for the Saturday, so did I. I managed to get 3tents taken down and packed up by 10.30. They were taking a load of my stuff back for me so I could fit Alexis and three fourteen year olds in my car. Although the sun had come out I’ve normally had enough by the Sunday, and we left about twelve. I had been so panicky about driving over the mud, and a friend drove the car until the hard standing for me, for which I was so grateful, I still hyperventilated as we were driving through it.

Despite the rain, it was a great weekend I saw lovely people who are close to my heart, saw some good bands, chilled when I wanted to and partied when I wanted to.

While I’ve been writing this post I’ve been listening to Feist http://www.listentofeist.com/ Check them out.

Monday, July 23, 2007

The power of now.

With how I’ve been feeling the past week, I knew I had to do something about it, so I picked up The Power of now by Eckhart Tolle, which I’ve been meaning to read for ages.

The first chapter deals with learning to dis-identify with the mind. Enlightenment Tolle says is a state of wholeness, of being at one and at peace, and identifying with our thoughts can prevent enlightenment and make us feel separate from the world.

Thinking too much can be destructive. Thoughts are often concerned with the past and the future which is not helpful in the now, and creates a distorted view of the present. For example we may rehearse future situations and imagine negative outcomes (this is something I do a lot), or we may judge the present through the eyes of the past. Tolle says:

“Many people live with a tormentor in their head which continuously attacks and punishes them and drains them of vital energy.”

He suggests we try ‘watching the thinker’. By listening to our thoughts and recognizing repetitive patterns, we become a witness to our thoughts as an impartial person and no longer identify with them.

As some people become just as caught up in their emotions as much as their thoughts Tolle suggests we watch our emotions in the same way. Tolle puts forward that emotions are our body’s reaction to our mind. For example anger can be a reaction to an overactive mind. By watching our emotions in the same way as we watch our thoughts Tolle says:

“You can allow the emotion to be there without being controlled by it. You no longer are the emotion, you are the watcher, the observing presence.”

Last night I started watching my thoughts, and felt myself disassociating myself with them. It does work, at that moment my thoughts were no longer me, and as a result did not affect my emotions and mood. Its a simple exercise, which can have a dramatic affect. I have woken up today less fearful of the world and feeling more positive, although I still have a long way to go.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Hey, but then I wouldn't be me.

I had a lovely day yesterday at the Literary festival, as well as catching some great talks I also found myself some new shoes, and bumped into some friends I hadn’t seen in ages. I had a phone call from Tamsin as she had found Yael (my sister in law) on Facebook. So in the evening I found her as well, and today was able to look at photo’s of her new baby girl, Jamie. It’s all good but I still feel like I’m going down. I feel very tearful, but can’t understand why, I had such a positive day yesterday, and I’ve got my first festival coming up next weekend.

I’m not excited about going to Maker at all, I just see it as a chore, and I have no motivation to start getting ready for it. It seems whenever I have a good day and feel happy I pay for it the next day and experience an awful low. I don’t want to go down, there’s no reason why I should be. What I would give to experience ups and downs, which are not so extreme and debilitating. Hey, but then I wouldn’t be me.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Waiting for tomorrow.

I’m not really in a good place, it’s been creeping up on me for a few days. Today I’m just waiting for tomorrow, when I’m off to Port Eliot Literary festival, (Port Eliot LitFest) to meet interesting people. Life is ok, I have some interesting writing projects in the pipeline, I have festivals coming up, and I’ve been meeting up with good friends.

I just don’t feel inspired, or motivated, I just feel flat. Maybe it’s the thought of camping in the rain, or not believing I have the confidence to make it as a writer even though I know I can write, or the pending eviction notice when the landlords sell my flat.

Whatever it is I’m hoping tomorrow will bring back a smile inside.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I've entered the digital world!

It’s definitely been a week of ups and downs. Over the weekend my friend Ian, who was staying with me, got a phone call from London, as his son had a serious accident. I won’t go into details, as it’s not my place, but he’s already had two operations, and they are unsure about whether they can fix one of his legs. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions for Ian this weekend. He has been through this before as many years ago his brother was stabbed, and ended up in a wheelchair. I felt completely useless as all I could do was be there for him. He’s now gone back up to London to be with his family.

Work wise many opportunities have opened up this week. I’ve been asked through chatting on ‘my space’ to write an article on Gypsy Love who is a burlesque performer. I’ve been researching the history of burlesque, which is more about the tease than the strip, and it’s going to be a very interesting article to write. I’m also off to Port Elliot Literary festival this weekend, to help my friend Teresa with her media project. She’s creating a promotional website for them, and I am there to interview some of the performers. I hope it’s sunny.

On Monday after Ian had gone, I acted on impulse, and decided to take the plunge into the digital world. I brought a top box! I had been holding back as I don’t know whether I am right, but I believed if enough people can’t get digital they won’t be able to do the switchover. However the temptation of Film4 got me in the end. I was talking to a friend about it yesterday and she said Cornwall is one of the first areas to go digital, which seems mad to me, as coverage here is so crap. In Looe for example, they can’t even get Sky let alone Freeview. In Lostwithiel my friend had to get Sky just to get the 4main channels. Why use an area with such terrible television reception, and where many people can’t even use any of the digital options, as a pilot area?

Anyway I am now ready for the switchover, and I’ve been enjoying watching Friends every night. In the 21 years with my ex husband I hardly ever watched Friends, as he didn’t like it and we watched something else together. The past two years I’ve been catching up with it, and the beauty of not watching it for so long is I still catch episodes I’ve never seen before.

Its not going to change my life, I don’t like to watch too much television anyway. Apart from having the opportunity to watch a film if I want to, its more for Megs than for me and she is thrilled, especially as she can now watch ‘first look’ Hollyoaks.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

As per usual I've had a fairly hectic week.

I thought I’d been keeping up with my blog, but have just realised it’s been a week since my last posting. As per usual I’ve had a fairly hectic week. My ex husband came down to visit for a week, straight from a year out in India and Australia. He came back last Tuesday, when unluckily for him there was a suspect package at Heathrow, and they closed the airport. They weren’t allowed off the plane for four hours after they landed, so I ended up picking him up at the train station at midnight.

It was an ok week, although I didn’t get much writing done. He went back to Gloucestershire on Monday. While he was here, on Saturday I went to a party. It was the type of party that you need to take at least two days out of your life for. I had not gone to other party’s with the same people, over the year at Uni, as I knew I couldn’t afford the time and the lack of focus for often a week afterwards. It was great, there were two dance areas, wicked music, a bar, and I caught up with lovely people I hadn’t seen since the festival and party season pre-course. I danced till six in the morning and it was great to go out when it was dark and still be partying hours after it got light.

Today I had an email from Fabia from the National Lichen Sclerosus (LS) support group and my article about my friend Dunya who has LS has gone up on their website. http://www.lichensclerosus.org/sitemapandcontents.html She’s even put a link to my website, which has made me realise I need to work on my website and post some more recent work on there.

Anyway it’s late and I have a fun filled day shopping with my daughters in Truro tomorrow. Ta Ta for now.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Ten steps to living with Authenticity

When I was doing my massive clear up last week, I came across 'ten steps to living with authenticity' which a friend had given me. She has no idea who wrote these, or where they came from, but I had them up on my wall for a couple of years until the paper got so dog-earred I took them down. I have now typed them up again so I can put them back up on my wall and I thought it would be good to share them.
Comments gratefully received, especially if anyone knows who wrote these wise words.
Ten steps to living with authenticity


1. Distinguish between the important stuff and the pettiness that can slow you down, take away your focus, and sabotage your success. Strive to be the very best you can be, but cut yourself some slack and do the same for those you love. Save the drama for the stage.

2. Discover your passion! The Universe has a plan for your life that is so much greater you could imagine or devise. Listen to your gut instincts and follow your inner voice.

3. Relinquish the need for approval. Believe in yourself – you are entitled to dress, walk and talk anyway you choose, regardless of anyone else’s opinion. Confidence comes from within, so remember: Fake it until you make it.

4. Be accountable for everything you say and do. Face your truest fears and refuse to burden someone else with your issues.

5. Set strong, but loving boundaries. If someone’s continually trying to hurt you, control you, or disrespect you, they have issues and you don’t need to own their ‘garbage’.

6. Release the desire to control the outcome. Change the things you can and accept the things you can’t.

7. Practise forgiveness. We’re all human and we all mistakes so choose to let go of resentment and shame. Love with an open and compassionate heart.

8. Demand your worth, while refusing to manipulate others for your own personal gain. Speak with truth, refrain from gossip and maintain your integrity.

9. Have faith in a Higher Power. No matter how difficult life may seem every experience is a lesson for growth, so seize the day and make the choice to move forward.

10. Know who you are and what you want for your life. Realise that you alone are enough. You are worthy of all that life has to offer and live fearlessly.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

I want a dog again.

We dog-sat at a friend’s house last night. It was great because:

1/ We had Sky. Megs had the remote until the evening and then I took over and we watched Film 4 (The only channel I would like as an extra to the four I get)

2/ Instead of using their kitchen we treated ourselves to a Chinese takeaway. I had Yunnan chicken (which was supposed to be sweet and chilli, but there was no chilli bite to it at all), and mushroom fried rice.

3/ No chores to do, which meant no reason to get up much, so we had more time to chill.

4/ We didn’t have landline calls to answer. If my friends want to get hold of me they have my mobile number.

5/ It was lovely to have a dog around. Taz is quite a character, he loves people, and is incredibly easy to dog-sit for. I’ve looked after dogs who want my attention 24/7, often because they’re away from their owners. Taz did miss my friends, he looked over at the shed and you could tell he was thinking are they in there?, and if he heard anyone out the front he was up at the window, but other than that he was happy and chilled.

Dogs have kind of been the theme of my week. At the beginning of the week, another friend lost her dog, Pugsy. No-one was sure how old Pugsy was as she was a rescue dog, she didn’t look too old so when she started being ill last week it was completely unexpected that it might be the end. However after a couple of visits to the vets it transpired she had a tumour that would kill her very soon, so she was put down.

I loved Pugsy. She had such a beautiful nature. She was my second favourite dog, with Jess being my first fav. Jess was was born in our back garden, as her Mum was our lodger’s dog. She was with us from birth to the grand old age of fourteen. Like Pugsy she wasn’t ill until her last week, and she had a tumour which would have killed her in the next day or two. I was thinking of my friend much of last week.

So this week I’ve been thinking a lot about dogs, and how I would love to have another dog. Even with Pugsy’s death and identifying with the pain of losing a dog, I still want another dog. They don’t live as long as we do, that’s something we just have to accept and I do, but the pleasure they give, and the pleasure they can have in a happy loving home is priceless. I can’t have a dog where I am, I need a garden and as soon as I have one, I’m going to get another dog.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Clear out the clutter, clear the mind.

Today I’ve cleaned, cleared and sorted, and did such a thorough job it took 6 hours to do one room. It was very satisfying. I now know where everything is and I can put my hands on any piece of work or research I need.

I came across my positive book, which my friend Rachel gave to me when my depression was totally debilitating. My positive book is basically a notebook in which I wrote three positive things that happened every day. Looking through it was interesting, some days I didn’t manage to add anything, but I mostly made sure I wrote something down even if I didn’t manage three things. Here are some of the things I wrote:

“I saw 4 people this afternoon” “Had peaceful evening” “Managed alright at meeting” “Sunny day” “Didn’t get a parking ticket” “Talked in group” “Felt organised” “Did some baking” “Someone said to me in a shop at least there’s one pretty girl in Cornwall” (that one was very flattering)

I would recommend it to everyone going through periods of hopelessness and despair. I remember at the time it was very difficult to think of anything positive, but as I did it more it got easier. When I wrote “I talked in a group” I am sure I had more negative thoughts about that group situation, as even if I spoke up my anxiety meant I felt I was weak, and a non productive member of society. However by having to write something positive down, I trained myself to start thinking about what went well instead on focusing on the negative. It was a valuable and welcome exercise which I did for many months.

I can’t say it brought back good memories, but it did help me realise how far I’ve come.

I put a lot of energy into cleaning today, and no corner, wall, cupboard etc, was left unturned. I did however do something really stupid, during my mission to clean. While I was cleaning the toaster, I turned it upside down to shake out all the crumbs and while I was cleaning it I pushed the button down (which you put down to cook the toast) with my fingers inside, and gave myself an electric shock. It was actually quite powerful as I blew the electrics in the flat. I was buzzing for ages afterwards, but next time I clean the toaster I will definitely turn it off at the plug.

I’m totally shattered, but love looking around at my exceptionally tidy frontroom/kitchen. I can now focus on writing for a few days without thinking I ought to be clearing up. Unclutter the house and it helps unclutter the mind.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

A good night's sleep

I’ve written an article today on getting a good night’s sleep, in which I suggest its best not to work on anything, and give your self time to unwind and relax before bedtime. It’s now 10.30, I turn the laptop on, and I aim to be in bed by 11. I am not very good at taking my own advice.

So instead of realising this and just turning the laptop off, I thought ok I’ll just write a quick post, 5 minutes won’t do any harm, and as I start writing my mind jumps into action. So I’m going to turn my laptop off and let my mind unwind so I can sleep.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Feeling more positive

I think I’m coming out of a fairly low month and feeling more positive. I’m still achieving the same as I have done over the month, as I’ve kept myself focused on writing, but I’m feeling more confident about maybe making a living out of writing at some point.

I did an article for Vitality Matters this week about a woman called Annie running Happiness workshops in Cornwall, and I was very anxious about what I’d written. I emailed a draft and asked for feedback, thinking it wasn’t right. I felt there was something I needed to change. I got an email back saying it was a good article, and it was nice to hand over a task to someone and get it done well. It was totally my self pity, and thoughts of not being good enough etc that made me feel it wasn’t right.

Looking at the article after the feedback I realised it was ok, it flowed from paragraph to paragraph, and presented a representative picture of what Annie and her workshops are about.

As much as I would like to think, I can tell myself not to worry and overcome external stresses; I think the fact that my housing benefit was finally sorted this week has also had a big effect on my mood. They’re not paying all of my rent. I still have to find a fair bit myself, but as it’s taken them three months to assess my claim, I’ve had it backdated. This means I can pay back my dad who paid last months rent for me, and pay off some of my overdraft. It also means I feel ok about buying a tent, so Megs and I can go to a couple of local festivals this summer, which are our holidays.

Today after keeping writing in the week, I felt I deserved time off, and I have had a really pleasant day. I popped into town and looked around a few charity shops. I went to visit my friend Em who I hadn’t seen for ages, and got a birthday pressie from her, which was back in May but she’d still held onto for me. I got back, had dinner and then went out for an early drink with friends and was back by nine o‘clock.

Tomorrow I’m off early to help with moving my daughter Tamsin out of halls at University. Monday I’m off to a local Mental health forum, which I hope will help with an article I am writing about the lack of Mental health Mother and baby units. Wednesday I am meeting up with a beautiful friend of mine who I haven’t seen since before I started my course (October 06). I’m not feeling panicked about the week ahead at all which is great news for me.

This positivity may not last. I still have people viewing my flat, as my landlords are selling up, and I have to get on the case of finding somewhere to live. The financial boost I’ve just received I know is going to be short-lived, and I still need to watch the pennies. However I hope this positivity does last, and I will do everything I can to make sure it does.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I'm sooooo excited

I’ve been struggling with negativity since my last posting, and I still am, but I’m fighting it and managing to stay on top of things. Today I have felt completely panicked, but I’m also sooooo excited. If you have been a reader of my blog you may know I aim to write a book about women’s experiences of medical conditions of the vaginal area, some of which are actually quite common but often get misdiagnosed, because they are not well known about.

Writing about vaginal medical conditions may seem like an odd choice for my first book, however to me it seemed this was a book that really needed writing. The inspiration came after interviewing my friend Dunya, who has Lichen sclerosus. Lichen sclerosus is a poorly recognised chronic inflammatory disease, affecting the genital and anal areas. Symptoms include blisters, itching, skin becoming fragile, splitting and bleeding, and sometimes fusing together of the labia and/or clitoris.

I am soooo excited because last weekend I met Fabia Brackenbury founder of the National Lichen sclerosus Support group, Kay Thomas who runs a Vulval Pain Support group in London, and Dr David Nunns, a consultant gynaecologist who specialises in Vulval conditions and is the founder of the Vulval Pain Society, and they were all supportive of my book.

Most of all I’m soooo excited because Fabia rang me yesterday to say an article I had written about Dunya was going up on the Vulval Pain Society website. I had not taken the article when I met them, but while Kay was waiting for the train in Cornwall to go back to London, sitting on a bench next to her was the March edition of Vitality Matters open on the page of my article. She showed it to Fabia, who had wanted to put Dunya's story on the website, and on seeing my article decided she didn’t need to reinvent the wheel, she could post up my article. It should be on there by the end of the week.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Depression has no rules

Depression has no rules. When you’re doing everything right, such as staying focused on writing, walking by the sea, keeping up with chores (ok maybe not all the chores), you can hit a low and you don’t know where its come from. You can try to challenge yourself to keep your spirits up but then feel exhausted with the ongoing argument with yourself.

Yesterday I had a phone call at nine asking if someone can come for a viewing. The landlord is selling the flat with me as a sitting tenant, however in the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a few viewings, and they’ve all been placing their furniture in the rooms. The estate agents said there was nothing to say I would be a sitting tenant. I can’t afford it anyway, the rent is really high and I’m trying to get housing benefit, however the claim is taking forever. I’ve had to borrow the last months rent. I’ve been looking for something else, but there is nothing, I’m also constantly bidding for council properties. All in all it’s been a big worry, and probably where the low has come from.

I’ve felt fearful, vulnerable, and have just wanted to put on an invisibility cloak and hide from the world. I challenged this by telling myself life is full of possibilities, and that fear and negativity is the only thing holding me back. I’ve dealt with stuff such as, ringing the council to see how the claims doing, and ringing up the landlord to ask for a letter saying they’re selling the flat and to express my worries. I’ve even rang up about volunteering as a dog walker, as we went for a lovely walk by the sea on Monday evening, and I miss having a dog with me. (Our dog Jess died about a year and a half ago, and wasn’t ill until her last few weeks. She managed a good fourteen years). I even finished an article, but I still got lower as the day went on.

In the end I took to bed. As I’ve said before, I can get to a stage where I can’t focus on the television, or people talking to me, but I can read. To stop myself wallowing I picked up The Zahir by Paulo Coehlo, a story about his relationship with his wife. The whole reason I’ve got the motivation to write this blog is to share a paragraph I read this afternoon. If you’ve followed my blog you’ll know I’ve constantly had an on off relationship with the internet. Talking about the writing process Paulo says:

“I try to log onto the internet, but its not working. It’s never been the same since I destroyed the connection. I called various technicians, but when they finally turned up, they could find nothing wrong with the computer. They asked me what I was complaining about, spent half an hour doing tests, changed the configuration, and assured me that the problem lay not with me but with the server. I allowed myself to be convinced that everything was, in fact, fine, and I felt ridiculous for having to ask for help. Two or three hours later, the computer and the connection would both crash. Now after months of physical and psychological wear and tear, I simply accept that technology is stronger and more powerful than me: it works when it wants to, and when it doesn’t its best to sit down and read the paper or go for a walk, and wait until the cables and the telephone links are in a better mood, and the computer decides to work again. I am not, I have discovered, my computer’s master: it has a life of its own”.

I totally identified with this; apart from I don’t have the money to call technicians in.

Although this is about computers Paulo’s philosophy of accepting the blips could be useful for people with depression. I have learnt over the years to sometimes just accept the lows when they come, as I know that they will pass. Tomorrows another day.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Hot bitch party

On Friday I went to a ‘hot bitch party’ at Exeter for a night of female fronted bands. The night out was brilliant, despite not many people turning up, (we reckoned about half of the audience were involved with the bands). Civilian were on first, www.myspace.com/civilianrox a gutsy guitar band with Joshi providing powerful female vocals. All I can say is what an amazing voice. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t pissed, or out of it in any other way, this was the sort of band you can’t help but dance to. The only disappointment was they weren’t on for long enough.

After they played we went back to the bar for a sit down and a chat, and missed the next band, but were back in time for Evi Vine. www.myspace.com/evivine We were in the mood for dancing, and this was chilled not dancey music, however it didn’t take long to appreciate the talent of this band. Evi’s haunting and beautiful melodic vocals soon drew in the audience, she sings with emotion you can’t help to identify with. I was so impressed I found her afterwards, and we were soon chatting away. As there weren’t many people there, it was quite an intimate gig and everyone was really friendly and welcoming.

It was then the turn of Obedient Bone www.myspace.com/obedientbone who were who I went up to see. I’d seen them at a couple of festivals last year, and brought their album which I play a lot in my car. Demelza the singer was at the door when I went in, but I didn’t recognise her as I’d only seen the band from the back of crowds, and she was looking amazing wearing a basque, stockings and suspenders (It was a hot bitch party and she wasn’t the only one dressed up). It was all in all a very colourful evening, and I didn’t feel out of place in my stripy tights.

Obedient bone successfully mixes funk, trip hop and rock to produce a very unique edgy sound. They are becoming one of the most popular underground acts to catch, at the festivals all over the summer. We danced our socks off, satisfying our need to boogie.

The last act was the Family Fleabag Circus from Brighton, and we were treated to fire eating, a trapeze act, and a lap dancer, who did really well to carry on while the music stopped for a minute. Another bunch of really friendly people, we watched them putting on gloves with extended fingers that they set alight, and then provide us with another colourful fire show outside after the gig. After they’d finished we got chatting to Lisa www.myspace.com/firealarmist (one of the family) while we were waiting for our taxi. I’m looking forward to catching up with them again at the festivals in the summer.

We got back relatively sober to my daughter’s room at the University and I really don’t know how she sleeps. There were noises all night, people coming in every half an hour or so, and the bed was really uncomfortable. In the moments of light sleep, I ended up having a dream about being in a lecture about fish, and sitting next to Robert De Niro.

It was a brilliant night and it didn’t end there, over the weekend I found Evi Vine on my space and added her as a friend, and then Civilian and Lisa (from Fleabag Family Circus) found my profile. It’s great to meet people, and then hook up on my space. I also hooked up with ‘Noize Makes Enemies’ www.myspace.com/noizemakesenemies (a music webzine, who are after writers) and ‘Festival eye’ www.myspace.com/festivaleye and all because of a night out.

Friday, May 25, 2007

I'm neglecting blogger

My space is taking up so much time. Because of the person I am I can’t just ignore people. I am finding I’m spending too much time answering messages and friend requests. I do not want hundreds of friends like most people, so I am only adding people I know or know of. After all I can still chat to people without them being my friends.

One of my bestest friends who lives 200 miles away, has set up a ‘my space’ so we can chat. It’s great for keeping in touch with people. Yesterday I was searching around, checking out bands I could see at the festivals I go to, and found ‘Gogol Bordello’ who sing a song ‘Start wearing purple’ so I put the tune up on my profile. If you read my last posting you’ll know why. I will definitely be checking them out this summer.

I haven’t had a dance for ages, and tonight I’m off to a ‘Hot bitch party’ at Exeter to see Obedient Bone and other female fronted bands with my friend Teresa. I have butterflies in my stomach which I often do when I’m going out. It should be a wicked night.

Anyway I must get on and beautify myself, it may take a while.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Pinks and Purple's

I like pinks and purples, although I have been branching out into greens and blues in these past few months. All these colours go well together. Anyway I got to thinking, my blog spot is pink, and my website is mostly pink, is this giving the wrong impression about myself?

In my own little idealistic world, publishers etc, would look at the content of my website, my writing samples etc. However, in real life, I think it’s unlikely they would read much, as they haven’t got the time, and need to make snap judgements. As much as I hate stereotyping, when making snap judgments, people utilise whatever they can to help with making decisions. I believe, stereotyping people is part of everyone’s socialisation, and feel it’s difficult to resist especially when having to make snap judgments.

So what does pink say about me to people making a snap judgment? Maybe it says I’m a bit of a girly girl, and possibly not that serious. I believe in the business world masculine values still prevail, and if an important document was produced in pink, it probably wouldn’t get the credibility it deserved. Feminine qualities such as caring, and being more in tune with emotions and feelings, are not qualities that get you far in the business world. Working for a ‘Connexions’ for many years, I’ve had enough of denying my femininity in order to get on, and work my way up the ladder.

Just because I’m a woman, and I like pink doesn’t mean I am not serious, and I’m not going to bow down to masculine values. Therefore I am keeping the pink. It may be to my cost, but I'd rather be accepted for who I am, than not be myself.

Friday, May 18, 2007

I'm addicted to My Space

I’m addicted to My Space. If you read my last blog you would have read about how my friend Ian’s songs were posted up on a ‘my space’ site http://www.myspace.com/btx7 I really wanted to send a message about the site, and couldn’t unless I had a ‘My Space’. So yesterday my brilliant daughter Megs, helped me set it all up. Since then I’ve had requests to be added as friends from a couple of people I don’t know, and they seem very interesting people, but for now while I’m getting used to it all, I’m only adding people I know as friends.

I’ve added Megs as my friend and have found my daughter Tamsin. So when she logs in she may add me as a friend. I wouldn’t worry if she didn’t add me, who wants their mum to see their personal stuff? However we talk about everything and are really close (see 'Take your Mama out all night' March posting). I’ve also found friends from the MA course, it’s all very exciting.

With Megs helping me set up everything, I also discovered how to add a tab, so you can have more web pages open. There’s so much I need to learn about making the most of computers. This means I can now listen to music, on the net, while writing this blog. I know many people have been doing this for ages, but for me this is shiny and new. When I went to school (back in the olden days) they didn’t have computers. I did typewriting RSA on a typewriter.

Megs was looking at, I think you call it HTML script, and deleting bits and adding in bits, she managed to get my blogs linked on my ‘My Space’ site. Its second nature to her, but to me it’s alien. I am learning loads and I will get to grips with it eventually. With Megs helping me I’ve also learned how to create a hyperlink, so people can click on addresses and get there.

Problem is now I’m addicted to ‘My Space’ it’s another excuse to procrastinate, and I need to get on with writing. Positives are I can get my name out there more, I have links to my blog ‘JaxWritersSpot’ on which I am doing a weekly article. I just need to make sure I don’t spend so much time on ‘My Space’ that I don’t work on articles. I feel a bit of research coming on for the next posting, which will most probably be about fatigue, possible causes, energy foods, etc.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

From now on
You can join me at
Jax Writers Spot
Weekly
(every Wednesday)
For articles on:
Food
Health
Alternative therapies
People
Community
Reviews
and more
Click on the link to My other blog, Jax Writers Spot, for this weeks article on the documentary 'Power to the People'

But for now back to The Planet Ug

Despite yesterday being more of a challenge than other days I managed to start off my weekly slot on Jax Writer’s Spot, by posting the first article. I feel pleased about it today; I’ve woken up feeling fresher and ready to get writing. Yesterday nothing seemed to cheer me up. Even listening to some of Ian’s songs which have been posted on the net, didn’t cheer me up, instead they had me blubbering.

If you’ve been a regular reader of my blog you’ll know Ian is a talented/singer songwriter. He was signed to Warner Brothers with his band when he was younger. Anyway his old manager has posted 3 songs he wrote (2 of which he sings) onto a ‘my space’ site. The sad thing is, the site is about a band Ian has nothing to do with. It mentions that Ian sings ‘Survive and ‘Questioning’, but does not mention he wrote those 2 and ‘All I want is you’. There is only one song, ‘Being there’ which was written by the band, which the site is about. He is mentioned as writing one on a blog posting, but that’s about it. It seems like he’s getting ripped off a bit. Problem is I couldn’t leave a comment as I don’t have a ‘my space’ site. I think I’m going to set up a ‘my space’ site today.

Anyway to hear Ian’s songs, and to hear him sing check out:
http://www.myspace.com/btx7
I hope the link works. I created a hyperlink, while writing this on a word document. First time I’ve done it.

Comments gratefully received.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Well here comes that empty feeling.

Well here comes that empty feeling, but I’m fighting it. I’ve been waking up feeling panicky, which I didn’t do with the deadlines looming, and the silliest little things have started me blubbering. I’ve been feeling like this for a few days and I am determined to do something about it. I know I need routine and structure and the course provided that for me.

As a writer I need to be self motivated/disciplined, and today I’ve made a start on an article for Jax Writers Spot. I haven’t done brilliantly well with it, as my mood has affected my ability to concentrate, but I’m not beating myself up and I know the more I do the better I will feel. I have tomorrow booked out to finish it and post it, which is very achievable.

It’s funny though, as soon as I finish the course I seem to be really busy. I had the estate agents around today with clients to view the flat (my landlords are selling, with me still as a tenant). The housing benefit people are coming round tomorrow. I’m meeting up with a friend for lunch, and meeting up with some friends for a drink at five on Thursday, as well as driving my daughter Alice, to and from work. And on Friday I have to drop the car for its M.O.T and have my haircut.

It’s great to be able to have the freedom to catch up with friends on Thursday, as well as getting out at night time. I went out and saw a band on Saturday, as well as going out on Wednesday. Unfortunately free time, without having a purpose in life, doesn’t do me any good. The thoughts are telling me I’m never going to have the courage to achieve anything, I’m not going to be able to sell myself, so even if I can write I’ll never be one of the lucky ones to make a living out of it.

But I am fighting back, by challenging these thoughts, telling myself I’m just as able to earn a living out of writing, as many journalists/writers out there. I’ve been writing articles, stories, mini magazines, since I could write. I even wrote a play, which was put on as a show when I was in the Brownies. Before I started the course (while I was thinking about it) I watched an interview with an author who said:

“It takes courage and positivity to believe that what you may have to say will be of interest to people and then give up years to work on that.”

Unfortunately I didn’t get the authors name, but it doesn’t matter, because it was the message that was important. It may take years, but in the meantime I’m going to build up a portfolio, get my name out there, and the more I write the more I will have confidence in my abilities and be able to sell myself.

I’ve just taken a break and went for a walk, the sun was setting so it was perfect timing. I did have an ulterior motive; I decided to buy myself a bottle of wine. I have been inclined to do this more since finishing my course, most probably because of the empty feeling, but it has to stop as I can’t afford it. Although I walked up a main road out of town, there were fields either side of me, the sounds I could hear apart from cars passing by were sheep and cows, and the banks around the supermarket were filled with wild flowers. I thought I could just spend my days walking in the countryside, but then what would I have achieve.

On the way back I saw an old boyfriend pass by in his car. We went out when I was fifteen, and we shared our first experience of passion together. I remember we used to play about with each other in the lane outside my home. When I was raped in the same year, I remember having to tell the police about any previous sexual experiences, and this was the closest I had got. I remember my parents at the time coming across as very disappointed with me, but they didn’t say anything else about it, after all I had just been raped.

In fact nothing was ever said again. It was never mentioned, this was the way they thought was best to deal with what had happened. I’m forty one now; that was in the past, and it does not affect my future (although it did till a few years ago). Seeing him pass in the car made me smile, as I remembered the good times we’d shared. He’s a very gentle caring bloke, and I would like to think he found a wonderful woman to spend his time with; however I have seen him a few times over the past few years, and I think he’s still single, and struggling to keep the family business of farming going.

Good memories have cheered me up, and made me realise my life isn’t so useless. Enough said.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

I should have gone back to Falmouth

At first yesterday was a bit of a rush. I drove to Falmouth to hand in my work, and then jumped back in the car to drive to St Austell for my friends birthday lunch. It was a lovely afternoon and I caught up a friend I used to work with, and hadn’t seen for about four years. I left about five and in hindsight I should have gone back to Falmouth. Megan was away for the night, straight from school, and I fancied a night out to celebrate the end of the course.

Everyone was going out in Falmouth after hand in, and I expect would have still been out into the evening. I would like to have celebrated with them. In the end I sat at home, and rang round a few friends here but nobody was going out. So I brought myself a bottle of wine and stayed in.

The upside of staying in was I caught Eastenders, and had a lovely warm feeling after a big glass of red wine. The downside is after a few more glasses, I went shopping on the internet, and brought more than I wanted just to get the free posting. I suppose if I had gone out I would have spent the same amount of money though.

I am going to miss going down to Falmouth and seeing everyone, and I definitely aim to get there for a night out at some point. I’m also going to have to be really disciplined to carry on with writing, as I won’t have the course to motivate me. One of the things I aim to do is to write a magazine type article every week to put on my Jax Writer’s Spot blog. I aim to build up my portfolio, so publications will take me seriously, by continuing writing for Vitality Matters and basically getting my writing out there. I also need to do research and/or some writing each week for my book.

But first I need to clear up, and that’s what I’m going to do now. What fun!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Ahead of myself

For the past couple of weeks I have knuckled down to writing for deadlines tomorrow. It was my birthday yesterday, and I wanted to get everything done for then so I could go out in the evening and celebrate, and I achieved it. At 2.00pm yesterday after printing, re reading, editing and printing again I printed up all the work to be handed in on Friday.

It’s funny thou as soon as I’d finished I began to feel anxious. I wanted to clear up the mound of mess which has built up over the days when I’ve done nothing but write, get out for some food, and then get ready for a night on the town. I seemed to have loads of nervous energy and couldn’t sit still or rest. I cleared up a bit, had a visit from my friend Vicky who’d brought me a lovely glass hanging for my birthday, and then a visit from Ian and Steve. I gave up with trying to achieve an immaculate flat, and when Megs got back from school we heading out for a meal.

I fancied a Jacket potato with mature cheddar, coleslaw and salad. It was lovely and the plate was filled to the brim. It’s always a bit of a gamble what standard of salad you get, and despite loving salad I’m always disappointed if the salad is just lettuce and tomatoes and cucumber. However this salad was piled high with red onions, peppers, carrots, and even some orange. It was very yummy.

We got back in plenty of time for me to have a bath, and use my touch of silver shampoo, which makes my silver hair extra shiny. My friend Dee turned up at about eight, and brought me a bag of presents, only little things she said, however they were a few pounds each at least. I got a posh purple mug, a fairy that sits of the edge of a shelf, a smelly candle and some ‘Dead sea Spa Magik’ magic hair serum which I treat my hair to every so often. I felt really spoilt. And then Teresa turned up and gave me a beautiful beaded candle holder lampshade.

It wasn’t particularly busy at the Open mic. Cyrus was standing in for Helen, who has just had a baby, and worked hard as there weren’t many people getting up and having a go. I would like to have heard more women’s vocals, but it didn’t matter as I was nattering to lots of people. Alice my daughter, and Mark her boyfriend turned up and John, a friend I hadn’t seen for ages, and it was a lovely evening.

I was worried, because as I had been feeling anxious I thought I might get drunk quickly, but I had a couple of gin and redbulls and I think that helped, as when I walked back, not only did I get back in 10 minutes, I managed not to squash one snail, which were all over the pavement. Only downside to that was I still felt wide awake at two o’clock.

Today’s been pretty ok too. I had a lie in and then went to search the charity shops in town. It’s my friend Rachel’s birthday tomorrow and we always get each other something from charity shops. I’m not going to say what I’ve got just in case, but Rach if you’re reading I can’t wait till tomorrow. Despite the rain, which didn’t stop, I had a fun afternoon looking around the shops, and meeting up with a couple of friend’s for a drink. It was a fun afternoon because I had done my work and could take my time instead of rushing in and out of town.

I know the high from getting all the work done is only temporary. I’ve not been doing any of the general organisation of life chores, such as my due MOT, and trying to get housing benefit as I have no money for June’s rent. And on top of that I still have to keep writing, and pitching my work. But for today and maybe tomorrow all that stuff can stay on hold.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

It's been a long time since my last blog

Forgive me father for I have sinned, It’s been a long time since my last blog. I know I have nothing to be forgiven for, but isn’t it funny, although I haven’t been brought up under any strict religious denomination, I still feel a stronger sense of responsibility, than is healthy.

Since my last post, Ian hasn’t let me go, he has relentlessly pursued me, and I have stood my ground. The trouble is when he feels Steve needs some space, as I feel responsible for Ian, and I know he has nowhere else to stay, he ends up staying. As I said I’ve stood my ground and nothings happened, despite him trying and saying he’s not going to let me go easily.

However it may finally be sinking in, as on Wednesday night he said he may go back to London, it would be a lot easier for me if he did. Living as he does, crashing at other people’s houses all the time, it’s a lot easier for him to do that where he has a lot of friends.

Anyway it’s all tiring me out. I am feeling totally exhausted, and haven’t had a very productive week. I’ve been trying to write another article for the features unit, however have not got very far with it. With deadlines looming next week, I think I now need to abandon this and work on pieces for assessment.

Thursday night I had a night off, my brother and his girlfriend arrived in Cornwall for a few days, and I went down to meet them for a couple of drinks, which ended up with me being whisked off to Padstow, and eating the best pasta dish I had ever tasted at Rojanos. I hadn’t met Simon’s girlfriend before and we got on really well. I had never really clicked with any of his previous girlfriends, probably due to them being so different to Simon, however they are very alike. Previously Simon has been put off by girlfriends becoming too serious, however when Bridget went off for a minute, he said I think we’re going to be serious. I was really pleased for him. I had a great night, and caught the sun on my face, which has given me panda eyes due to wearing sunglasses.

It’s Saturday today and I’ve had a productive day, I’ve managed to finish off my feature and finish the page by page contents of my book. My brilliant daughter Megs was also able to get us back on the internet, which has just not been happening for a few days. Every time I had tried to get on the internet, it was connecting fine, but couldn’t find any web page’s. I looked to check if any of the wires had come loose, repaired, de-fragged and deleted all my cookies etc. So what did Megan do to get our internet working again? She turned the box on and off, and we’re connected.

It’s been a long writing day, and although my laptops very hot, I feel a bit of surfing coming on.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Young free and single (ok maybe not so young)

It was quite a low beginning to the week, but it got better. After a non productive Monday, rising panic about all the work due in, I was still feeling exhausted on Tuesday. I drove to Falmouth, for a 15 minute tutorial, and got some good comments on my work, which made it worth the journey. I was there for less than an hour and I felt so shattered when I got back I collapsed on the bed.

Around 8 I got a phone call from Ian asking if he could stay, so he could get to the jobcentre the next day. He’s staying at a friend’s who lives in the middle of nowhere. He could get a lift in so I said ok. I didn’t really want to see him. I had been thinking a lot about him being round; that we were slipping back into behaving like a couple which I didn’t want, I shouldn’t be still jumping into bed with him, that we have been walking into town and what would happen if we bumped into ‘the woman’ would he talk to her, how would I react? etc.

With all this confusion the past couple of weeks, and a lot of thinking, I had made up my mind I was going to say that I needed him to stop coming over, it as over and I need to move on. So actually Tuesday night provided an opportunity to have a talk. We talked, I said what was on my mind, he understood why, but it was sad. Sad because it could have been good, sad because I knew it couldn’t be. But also positive, as we had a fun year.

Now I’ve got to stick by my decision, which I know may not be easy. He said he would give up on me if that’s what I wanted, and I said it was, but I’m still not sure that he won’t ring, or turn up on my doorstep. He knows I know he has nowhere else to stay in town, although I don’t think he’ll be turned away by ‘the woman’. Maybe he will leave me be.

I felt stronger the next day. Despite ending up having a late night, I didn’t feel so tired and I was able to write the introduction to my book, as well as taking time to drive my daughter to minor injuries, as she twisted a ligament during a long jump at school. Meg’s knee wasn’t too bad, after a few hours she stopped limping so much, and today it’s a lot better.

Today I took my laptop into uni, and between a bit of a class, and tutorials I edited three articles for assessment. Looking back at the week, it seems that when I lifted a load off my mind, I got my energy back.

Only just this minute (Thursday evening 9.30), Ian’s walked through the door.

It’s 9.00 in the morning, (Friday) so the ‘today’ I wrote above now means yesterday. As you know Ian turned up, he had walked the 6 ½ miles from the caravan as he wanted to make a phone call in the morning (he didn’t have any credit on his phone). It was ok we had a good natter about allsorts including his songs. He’s a very talented songwriter and had just written a new song. Here’s a line from it;

“My lifes a pantomime I think a lot of me is fake. I walk a thin line between reality and escape”

We talked about how, sometimes he doesn’t know where the words come from, and then he looks at them afterwards and says ‘oh that’s what I’m feeling’. We had quite a deep conversation about childhood and how we carry stuff through to adulthood etc, and we talked about moving on from each other. He slept on the sofa.

Now I’ve warmed up my writing muscles by finishing off this posting, I need to get on with the serious stuff.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Off for an early night

Just realised it’s my birthday 2 weeks after my brother’s birthday, which is this Wednesday, and all our work is due in two days after that. So what have I done to ensure I’m on the track to getting everything finished? I’ve sat on my arse, staring at the laptop. I think the thought of it all has tired me out.

Or could it be because I spent Friday extreme spring cleaning well into the evening, prior to my landlord’s visit on Saturday, had a couple of fun energetic evenings, and then on Sunday packed up Tamsin’s belongings into the car, drove to Exeter, unloaded and drove back? Whatever the reasons, I feel absolutely shattered, braindead, and have not actually achieved much today, apart from having a blood test, for thyroid again. I hope it shows something up this time, it would explain my constant tiredness.

Oh no wait a minute, I’ve also finally set up a link so I can change my website. Anyway that’s it, I’m off to get an early night.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I've got to write something down

I’ve got to write something down, to try and work out, what needs to come out of my head. I feel completely drained, and low, even though I went into Uni and saw friends, and had a really good class. I’m putting it down to having time on my own to think today, which I haven’t had for a few days. Time to ponder on how I feel about Ian being around, whether I should have kept him more at arms length etc.

When I got back I popped to the shop, and saw Ian’s sister in law, who said that Ian had been round twice shouting at her. Immediately I started feeling like shit, I didn’t need this, I’m not getting involved, will they blame me for letting him stay?, should I have let him stay?, would it have been easier if I hadn’t? (for me and for them)

So I get back to find him on the house phone to London (one very annoying thing about him is that I often find him on the house phone when I get back from somewhere). When I’m here he normally drop calls people, but how do I know whether he’s phoned them or they’ve phoned him when I’m not there.

After he got off the phone, he just ranted and ranted, about how he’d told her what he felt, how apparently his brother wants to hit him, and he’s got to go and see him and get it over with. It’s a long complicated story line, Ian and his family. I won’t bore you with it. I don’t want all this again, I don’t need the hyper moods, and I’m realising I was wrong to let him in again. It was great to see him at first, but the past few days he’s been annoying me. He had started doing things he used to, such as ranting, and winding Megan up. When those two get together, it’s like dealing with two hyperactive naughty loud children.

I also felt he was spinning me a yarn. I had a feeling about the phone calls he got, between the ranting this evening. When he said he was talking to his sister he called her sweetheart, which he says to many friends who are women, even my friends which they’ve got used to. However I’ve heard him chat on the phone loads in the past year, and he has never called his sister sweetheart. Something just didn’t ring true. Whatever my reasons for these thoughts, it shows the trust has gone, and once that’s gone it’s over.

I was saved by the doorbell. My friends Dee and Steve turned up. Steve was taking Ian to his place for the night, and then coming back for Dee, as they had to be at friends for eight. At 20past eight he turned up. Ian had persuaded him to call round at his brothers on the way, and apparently Ian and his brother had a big row, there was lots of screaming, walking up and down the street, banging of doors etc. I felt awful for Steve. Steve really likes Ian, and wanted him to stay and not go back to London before, however I worry about Ian imposing himself. It’s the same feeling I had with my ex husband, I felt responsible for his actions, and felt guilty when he let anyone down.

I know it’s wrong for me to feel like this. Guilt is a completely useless emotion.

Anyway I’m on my own. I can relax. Yeah!!!! Writing this down has really helped, I’m not feeling as low. I’m still feeling pretty drained but that’s nothing a goods night sleep won’t fix. I only hope Ian either decides to go back to London, or if he decides to stay at Steve’s, it’s because Steve’s happy with that, and that he pays his way. The past couple of days have reinforced why I can’t have Ian in my life. I wasn’t strong but I’ll know to be next time he visits.

It's so confusing.

Back at Uni today and looking forward to seeing all my friends. I haven’t finished my Industry analysis, due in on Friday, but hope to get stuck into that this evening and tomorrow. Then just to add to the stress my landlords calling round on Saturday, so after hand in there’s no rest; I need to blitz the house. While I’ve got lots of writing to do, I don’t get much clearing up done, and the little jobs like cleaning the cupboards etc get left completely. So after hand in on Friday I’ve got to come back and clean.

On top of that I’ve had Ian staying, and it looks like he may give Cornwall another go. He’s going to stay at a friends tonight and I’m hoping he can stay there most of the time. I don’t need him around. It’s been a confusing few days, I know there are feelings there, I’ve enjoyed the cuddling, the company etc, but I know I can’t go there. In this case it’s right to let my head override my heart. He doesn’t work, he has no money, and he cowers from responsibility, and it’s been like that since we met. His rebelness I was attracted to, in the first place, is not what I need. After a year he hasn’t changed, if I am to be in a relationship with anyone, I need someone who will at least pay their way. And someone who will not go off on a bender and end up in someone’s bed. The trust has definitely still gone, and you need trust in a relationship.

Maybe jumping into bed was not a good idea, it’s enabled us to get comfortable with each other again. But I know in my mind he’s not the man for me, because of the way he is. Maybe I should have been strong and kept him at arms length. Although I am strong verbally, in that I’ve been clear I don’t want to be with him. I’ve contradicted that by getting intimate with him. We’ll just have to see how this week goes, if he can stay at his friends more permanently etc. I know with him in Cornwall it’s going to be more difficult I want to move on with my life, not be reminded of my feelings and the hurt all the time.

What if we do manage to go our separate ways, and I see him flirting with women in the pub, how will I feel? For me it’s easier if he goes back to London, but that’s completely selfish. It’s very rough where he lives, although it has a good community feel about it. On the downside he’s surrounded by alcoholics, drug addicts and violence up there. Who can blame him from wanting to escape? It’s so difficult and so confusing.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Who was I kidding?

Why did I have a bath on Thursday afternoon and shave all my legs etc, if I was going to be strong, and not jump into bed with Ian? Who was I kidding? As soon as I saw him we hugged and kissed, and it felt right. We talked; he told me he thinks about me every day, that he was such an idiot for messing it up. I told him I was pleased to see him (I didn’t know whether I would be), that we can’t go back to being a couple, but could be good friends.

As the night went on it was getting clear that the physical attraction is still there, and we kind of decided maybe we’ll be friends that sleep together every so often. After 6 weeks of no sex, the night turned out to be very satisfying. So was I weak? I have my needs, and we’re very compatible that way, I don’t know whether I’ll ever find that sexual comfort zone with anyone else. A relationship should be based on love and trust, and not just sex. I have made it clear I can’t be anything more than a friend; I need to be single at the moment, as I have too much to do. Also I can’t be let down again. I don’t need someone who is essentially a drifter and always will be. Ian knows this, and I think he understands where I’m coming from.

Having sex with an ex is bit like getting drunk, we know that getting drunk is probably not a good idea, but we still go ahead and do it again and again.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

The dangers of Gin and Tonic

What a hectic week, I finished the work placement, and learnt a lot from it, such as how to knock out articles quickly, and write for the style of the publication. I also think my editing has improved. Now all I have to do is to write my Industry analysis.

Problem is today I have a hangover and can’t seem to focus on work. I went out to the Open mic last night. As I’ve only been treating myself to the little bottles of wine as part of my calorie counting, I got quite drunk after drinking G&T’s all night. I didn’t realise how much until I started to walk home, and it was a struggle to get back. I fell over a couple of times, and have bruises on my hands and under my chin!!? I hope nobody saw me.

Needless to say I’m feeling low today, and was cheered up by reading the lovely comments on my blog postings.

Ian’s coming down to Cornwall for a few days and we’re catching up tonight. I am actually looking forward to seeing him, although I know it will probably be easier not to. Seeing him may stir up my emotions and maybe bring back the hurt. But he’s coming down as a friend not a lover and hopefully it’ll be ok. I’m going to be strong.

Anyway I’m feeling pretty brain dead, which is my own fault, so it’s only a short posting. Now I’m not doing work experience, I will be back to posting more regularly again.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Tamsin's all grown up

You’ve been hearing about if for weeks, and now it’s finally here, I’m officially old. I now have a twenty year old daughter. She’s no longer a teenager. We’ve just been out for a meal in a supposedly posh restaurant. The service was great, but apart from a couple of good choices, over all the food was disappointing. Poor Tamsin didn’t go much for any of her food, and it was her birthday. I was careful, but knew the diet was off the cards for the day.

I’m quite disappointed how I’m doing on my diet. I’ve been eating on average about 1400 calories a day, and it’s got easier to keep my calories down, as I’ve gone along. I’ve always been interested in nutrition, and I’ve also been making sure I include all the foods groups I need within that calorie count. The problem is for the past few weeks I haven’t seemed to lose any weight.

Since about a year after my initial breakdown, I’ve wondered whether maybe I have a thyroid problem (an under active thyroid). One of the functions of the thyroid is enabling cells to covert oxygen and calories into energy. Symptoms of an under active thyroid include fatigue, depression, and weight gain. My mental state seems to be linked with getting really tired, when I get too tired I’ll get really low. There sometimes doesn’t seem to be any other link, other than that the tiredness triggers the depression.

The fact that I’m not losing weight seems to reinforce this feeling of mine. I am being really strict, and even if I eat a couple of squares of chocolate I will work out the calories. I’ve been quite obsessive. I weigh everything. I work it all out very thoroughly every day. So I should be losing weight, but I’m not. I have had a couple of blood tests to check my thyroid, which hasn’t confirmed my theory, but the levels of thyroid hormone fluctuate, and I don’t believe these tests are conclusive.

I’m going to mention it again the next time I see the doctor.

Anyway I have an adult in the house, and she's currently snuggling up with her boyfriend watching a dvd, while I'm in bed with my laptop (sounds excitng doesn't it). She had a bit of a party night, last night, to celebrate her birthday. As it's such a small town, the Open mic night affects the whole town and apart from the weekend Wednesday is the night to go out.

I think she had a good day.