Monday, February 26, 2007

Letting off steam

The other night, Thursday to be precise, I walked back from town, after a few drinks, but not too many, and I screamed. I screamed as loud as I could in the middle of the road. I let out lots of bitterness and anger, that I’d held in for a long time. I was angry at my ex husband, Mark, mostly. He is now finding love and light in India, after hassling me for months with some really nasty texts, and then by being friendly, and insisting on selling the family home so we could split the profits.

I had never wanted to buy the house in the first place. It was a council house, and I don’t agree with buying council houses. It was secure, but to keep Mark happy, and to fulfill his dream of owning a house, I agreed and we brought it. One saving grace, was the bit I got from selling the house, helped pay for the MA course.

Now he’s in India, and was going to stay there as he found love there. Last Sunday I had him on the phone to me crying, because he had split up with his girlfriend, and had been willing to give up everything for her, including being near his children. After spending days worrying about Megan, because she was so distressed, crying everyday as her dad wasn’t coming back, of course I had a lot of sympathy for him.

My middle daughter Alice moved in with her boyfriend (another Mark) and his mum, shortly after her GCSE’s which was not long after we split up. Now Mark’s mum is looking for a flat, just for her and her boyfriend, and when she finds a place, Alice and Mark could be homeless. It could be in a week or a few months. They are looking for places, but it’s more difficult to get places when you’re under 25, so I’m looking out for a three bedroomed place we could maybe share.

I don’t have a family home anymore. I don’t have a base for the girls to come back to. I live in a 2bedroomed flat, with a front room/kitchen combined. Tamsin my eldest daughter comes back for the holidays as she’s at Uni, and has to sleep on a mattress in the front room. To have that 24/7 if Alice moves in would be murder. But what else can I do I can’t see her on the streets.

So there is a lot of anger and bitterness inside me. I gave up the family home to get Mark off my back, however by being weak and doing this, I don’t have a family base. Also the bit of money I made from the house sale, although I’ve spent some on doing this course, has mainly gone on rent, bills, and money for the girls, and now its gone. Wheras with Mark he’s given the girls a few token payments and spent the rest on himself. He’s hasn’t given me any money to help with the cost of our children. When I spoke to him on the phone on that Sunday, I was picking up Alice from work, and he also spoke to her, and told her if she visualised a flat it will happen. Funnily enough, I visualised an envelope full of money with my name on it, on the floor in the supermarket, and it didn’t happen.

So I screamed and I screamed, not really saying anything but just screaming. My problem is that I hate and avoid conflict. Friends tell me I’m really nice, and when my friends say that I cry. I cry because I wish I wasn’t, because I’m actually a walkover, and don’t want to be. This is why I stayed with Mark for so long, and why I’m still with my current boyfriend.

You may have thought I should have learned. Ian was an alcoholic when I met him, drinking in the morning through to night. But I saw more to him, he is heart and soul and cares about people, and he cares about me. Although he’s changed loads since meeting me, after dealing with my screaming incident, which focused on me instead ot him, he’s been going on benders.

Friday night he stayed out all night, and crashed for a couple of hours on the bench, outside his sister in laws place. Sunday at about 6, I had finished writing, and was spending time clearing up the mess I’d ignored for a long time. Ian offered to go into to town to buy me some baccy, and some wine to have with our meal, Beef and Guinness stew with roasted veg and brussel sprouts. At 9.00 I gave up on waiting, and went down to get tobacco, which he knew I was almost out of. The beef was not so much tenderised, but more disintegrated. He didn’t come back till 2.00 pm the next day, after I had tried to stay awake till after 1am, as I thought at any time, I may have to answer the door. He had woken up in a field near Padstow.

I need to focus on writing, and today when I’d discovered he had returned, after interviewing a local artist for the next edition of bloc-online.com, I told him to go. Soon after he fell asleep, and is still asleep now. I think I need to be my own person and be single again. If I’m single I can totally focus on this course. I am loving writing, and don’t need distractions. I can’t put up with any other persons problems, on top of my own, and problems my children may have. Maybe he’ll go and I can be happy being single again, or maybe I’ll give in and he’ll stay on a bit longer. I’m hoping I’m not going to give in, and stick to my guns.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

A few words

After finishing off the article for Tuesday, at about four today, I looked around the flat. The bedroom had very limited pathways to the bed, due to the piles of stuff on the floor. The front room was a mass of piles of paperwork, clothes and shoes all over the place, and two weeks worth of laundry rendering one of the chairs useless. It was not a pretty site, so I got active. I am absolutely tired out, but now you can see the floor in the bedroom, all chairs can be sat on, and the paperwork may not have been sorted but it’s out of view. I even cleaned the mirror in my room. I think I’m going to sleep well tonight.
As you can probably tell I’m aiming to write on my blog more, even if it is just a few words, and today it is going to just be a few words. I’m shattered and fairly brain dead. I think a mindless night sat in front of the television is in order. Whats left of it that is.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Back in the Writing Zone

After dealing with so much emotion on Thursday, I felt very drained yesterday. However I knew I had to keep up with work for the course. I decided to start on a presentaion, I have to do on Thursday, which is about the potential market for the non fiction book I am aiming to write. I had already done a lot of research in this area, so it was an easier option for me. I spent all day at it, and it got easier as I went along. I finished it around tea time, and have produced a handout with pictures as well as words. Being a technophobe, I was quite chuffed with this.
Then today, I didn’t stay in bed till early afternoon, which I had been doing a lot recently (although to be fair to me I do still have my laptop, even when I don’t venture out of the bedroom). I got up fairly early. I had an email from friends reunited, which I usually ignore, but this time decided to check out who was on it. I had entered my details on friends reunited in about 2001, and had myself down as married, working as a career’s adviser, with all my daughters being of school age. Updating my details was great fun, I could write so much more than I could before. I was even able to produce a cartoon figure of myself, to go on my profile (complete with grey hair). When settling down to writing, like with exercise, I often need to warm up, and having a play around on friends united was my warm up this morning.
I am also doing the feature writing unit, so I started to put words on paper for my article, due in next week. We had all turned up on Tuesday to the feature writing class, knowing we were going on a jolly, but didn’t know where we were going. Martin, who teaches us as well as being a freelance journalist, sent us out into one street in Falmouth town centre. He told us to talk to people, and write an article based on the results for next week. Fellow student, Holly and I set out together, and interviewed local businesses supporting the local community. The idea when we set out was to approach health food establishments, however what struck us were they were Cornish businnesses who are commited to finding locally sourced products or ingredients. So today I sat down and produced the article, which I am not only pleased with, but also finsished at the respectable hour of six o clock.
I felt this exercise was really useful, and since then I have had half an eye open for story opportunities, wherever I go. While out shopping today for example, I bumped into someone I had seen on ‘Under the hammer’, a day time BBC program about buying houses at auction. The reason I remembered him from the programme was because I recognised him, so I continued watching the program instead of writing with the television on in the background. Feeling brave I went up to him, told him about the course, and asked if maybe I could do an article about him, and the property he had brought. It’s a big project he’s taken on, and he told me he’d just come back from working there for a few weeks. He seemed quite interested and we exchanged contact details.
So it looks like I’m back in the writing zone, and intend to stay there.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Riding the storm

Well I got all my work done, handed in and marked for the first semester, and yesterday I got the results. I passed!!!!! I’m now doing the Non fiction and Features units, and again the work is full on. After a two week break, it’s been diffcult to get back into the routine, and producing work to deadlines again. However despite finding depression rearing it’s ugly head, and finding the tears coming easily, especially in classes, I have kept up with all the work. I almost gave up, but I know I want to do this, so I have decided to ride the storm.
I saw a counsellor yesterday in the afternoon, and while talking through stuff, I realised one reason why I keep getting periods of depression. It may be a lot to do with the fact I don’t like, and avoid, conflict. Instead any anger and bitterness I may have is stored away inside.
After the counsellor I went to a see a guest lecturer, and although it was on for 2 hours instead of 1 as I had thought, the time flew. It was about reviewing music books films etc, and it was really interesting. I left at 6.30, after being at Uni since 8.30am, feeling quite drained. I put some loud rocking music on my stereo (Lamb and Obedient bone), and screamed along to it on the way back. I must do that more often, it was a great release. I had to pick Megs up from near Bodmin and as it was so late we picked up a takeaway. I finally got home at 8.30 and as I was rushing back, a rabbit which was safe by the hedge, ran in front of my car and I felt myself go over it. I was devastated. I have never killed any animals while driving before. It has as much right as I have of living in this world, and I had taken it’s life.
It was a day of very emotional ups and downs. Despite waking up this morning with very puffy eyes, I am getting on with writing and researching. I will ride the storm.