I want a dog again.

We dog-sat at a friend’s house last night. It was great because:

1/ We had Sky. Megs had the remote until the evening and then I took over and we watched Film 4 (The only channel I would like as an extra to the four I get)

2/ Instead of using their kitchen we treated ourselves to a Chinese takeaway. I had Yunnan chicken (which was supposed to be sweet and chilli, but there was no chilli bite to it at all), and mushroom fried rice.

3/ No chores to do, which meant no reason to get up much, so we had more time to chill.

4/ We didn’t have landline calls to answer. If my friends want to get hold of me they have my mobile number.

5/ It was lovely to have a dog around. Taz is quite a character, he loves people, and is incredibly easy to dog-sit for. I’ve looked after dogs who want my attention 24/7, often because they’re away from their owners. Taz did miss my friends, he looked over at the shed and you could tell he was thinking are they in there?, and if he heard anyone out the front he was up at the window, but other than that he was happy and chilled.

Dogs have kind of been the theme of my week. At the beginning of the week, another friend lost her dog, Pugsy. No-one was sure how old Pugsy was as she was a rescue dog, she didn’t look too old so when she started being ill last week it was completely unexpected that it might be the end. However after a couple of visits to the vets it transpired she had a tumour that would kill her very soon, so she was put down.

I loved Pugsy. She had such a beautiful nature. She was my second favourite dog, with Jess being my first fav. Jess was was born in our back garden, as her Mum was our lodger’s dog. She was with us from birth to the grand old age of fourteen. Like Pugsy she wasn’t ill until her last week, and she had a tumour which would have killed her in the next day or two. I was thinking of my friend much of last week.

So this week I’ve been thinking a lot about dogs, and how I would love to have another dog. Even with Pugsy’s death and identifying with the pain of losing a dog, I still want another dog. They don’t live as long as we do, that’s something we just have to accept and I do, but the pleasure they give, and the pleasure they can have in a happy loving home is priceless. I can’t have a dog where I am, I need a garden and as soon as I have one, I’m going to get another dog.

Clear out the clutter, clear the mind.

Today I’ve cleaned, cleared and sorted, and did such a thorough job it took 6 hours to do one room. It was very satisfying. I now know where everything is and I can put my hands on any piece of work or research I need.

I came across my positive book, which my friend Rachel gave to me when my depression was totally debilitating. My positive book is basically a notebook in which I wrote three positive things that happened every day. Looking through it was interesting, some days I didn’t manage to add anything, but I mostly made sure I wrote something down even if I didn’t manage three things. Here are some of the things I wrote:

“I saw 4 people this afternoon” “Had peaceful evening” “Managed alright at meeting” “Sunny day” “Didn’t get a parking ticket” “Talked in group” “Felt organised” “Did some baking” “Someone said to me in a shop at least there’s one pretty girl in Cornwall” (that one was very flattering)

I would recommend it to everyone going through periods of hopelessness and despair. I remember at the time it was very difficult to think of anything positive, but as I did it more it got easier. When I wrote “I talked in a group” I am sure I had more negative thoughts about that group situation, as even if I spoke up my anxiety meant I felt I was weak, and a non productive member of society. However by having to write something positive down, I trained myself to start thinking about what went well instead on focusing on the negative. It was a valuable and welcome exercise which I did for many months.

I can’t say it brought back good memories, but it did help me realise how far I’ve come.

I put a lot of energy into cleaning today, and no corner, wall, cupboard etc, was left unturned. I did however do something really stupid, during my mission to clean. While I was cleaning the toaster, I turned it upside down to shake out all the crumbs and while I was cleaning it I pushed the button down (which you put down to cook the toast) with my fingers inside, and gave myself an electric shock. It was actually quite powerful as I blew the electrics in the flat. I was buzzing for ages afterwards, but next time I clean the toaster I will definitely turn it off at the plug.

I’m totally shattered, but love looking around at my exceptionally tidy frontroom/kitchen. I can now focus on writing for a few days without thinking I ought to be clearing up. Unclutter the house and it helps unclutter the mind.

A good night's sleep

I’ve written an article today on getting a good night’s sleep, in which I suggest its best not to work on anything, and give your self time to unwind and relax before bedtime. It’s now 10.30, I turn the laptop on, and I aim to be in bed by 11. I am not very good at taking my own advice.

So instead of realising this and just turning the laptop off, I thought ok I’ll just write a quick post, 5 minutes won’t do any harm, and as I start writing my mind jumps into action. So I’m going to turn my laptop off and let my mind unwind so I can sleep.

Feeling more positive

I think I’m coming out of a fairly low month and feeling more positive. I’m still achieving the same as I have done over the month, as I’ve kept myself focused on writing, but I’m feeling more confident about maybe making a living out of writing at some point.

I did an article for Vitality Matters this week about a woman called Annie running Happiness workshops in Cornwall, and I was very anxious about what I’d written. I emailed a draft and asked for feedback, thinking it wasn’t right. I felt there was something I needed to change. I got an email back saying it was a good article, and it was nice to hand over a task to someone and get it done well. It was totally my self pity, and thoughts of not being good enough etc that made me feel it wasn’t right.

Looking at the article after the feedback I realised it was ok, it flowed from paragraph to paragraph, and presented a representative picture of what Annie and her workshops are about.

As much as I would like to think, I can tell myself not to worry and overcome external stresses; I think the fact that my housing benefit was finally sorted this week has also had a big effect on my mood. They’re not paying all of my rent. I still have to find a fair bit myself, but as it’s taken them three months to assess my claim, I’ve had it backdated. This means I can pay back my dad who paid last months rent for me, and pay off some of my overdraft. It also means I feel ok about buying a tent, so Megs and I can go to a couple of local festivals this summer, which are our holidays.

Today after keeping writing in the week, I felt I deserved time off, and I have had a really pleasant day. I popped into town and looked around a few charity shops. I went to visit my friend Em who I hadn’t seen for ages, and got a birthday pressie from her, which was back in May but she’d still held onto for me. I got back, had dinner and then went out for an early drink with friends and was back by nine o‘clock.

Tomorrow I’m off early to help with moving my daughter Tamsin out of halls at University. Monday I’m off to a local Mental health forum, which I hope will help with an article I am writing about the lack of Mental health Mother and baby units. Wednesday I am meeting up with a beautiful friend of mine who I haven’t seen since before I started my course (October 06). I’m not feeling panicked about the week ahead at all which is great news for me.

This positivity may not last. I still have people viewing my flat, as my landlords are selling up, and I have to get on the case of finding somewhere to live. The financial boost I’ve just received I know is going to be short-lived, and I still need to watch the pennies. However I hope this positivity does last, and I will do everything I can to make sure it does.

I'm sooooo excited

I’ve been struggling with negativity since my last posting, and I still am, but I’m fighting it and managing to stay on top of things. Today I have felt completely panicked, but I’m also sooooo excited. If you have been a reader of my blog you may know I aim to write a book about women’s experiences of medical conditions of the vaginal area, some of which are actually quite common but often get misdiagnosed, because they are not well known about.

Writing about vaginal medical conditions may seem like an odd choice for my first book, however to me it seemed this was a book that really needed writing. The inspiration came after interviewing my friend Dunya, who has Lichen sclerosus. Lichen sclerosus is a poorly recognised chronic inflammatory disease, affecting the genital and anal areas. Symptoms include blisters, itching, skin becoming fragile, splitting and bleeding, and sometimes fusing together of the labia and/or clitoris.

I am soooo excited because last weekend I met Fabia Brackenbury founder of the National Lichen sclerosus Support group, Kay Thomas who runs a Vulval Pain Support group in London, and Dr David Nunns, a consultant gynaecologist who specialises in Vulval conditions and is the founder of the Vulval Pain Society, and they were all supportive of my book.

Most of all I’m soooo excited because Fabia rang me yesterday to say an article I had written about Dunya was going up on the Vulval Pain Society website. I had not taken the article when I met them, but while Kay was waiting for the train in Cornwall to go back to London, sitting on a bench next to her was the March edition of Vitality Matters open on the page of my article. She showed it to Fabia, who had wanted to put Dunya's story on the website, and on seeing my article decided she didn’t need to reinvent the wheel, she could post up my article. It should be on there by the end of the week.

Depression has no rules

Depression has no rules. When you’re doing everything right, such as staying focused on writing, walking by the sea, keeping up with chores (ok maybe not all the chores), you can hit a low and you don’t know where its come from. You can try to challenge yourself to keep your spirits up but then feel exhausted with the ongoing argument with yourself.

Yesterday I had a phone call at nine asking if someone can come for a viewing. The landlord is selling the flat with me as a sitting tenant, however in the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a few viewings, and they’ve all been placing their furniture in the rooms. The estate agents said there was nothing to say I would be a sitting tenant. I can’t afford it anyway, the rent is really high and I’m trying to get housing benefit, however the claim is taking forever. I’ve had to borrow the last months rent. I’ve been looking for something else, but there is nothing, I’m also constantly bidding for council properties. All in all it’s been a big worry, and probably where the low has come from.

I’ve felt fearful, vulnerable, and have just wanted to put on an invisibility cloak and hide from the world. I challenged this by telling myself life is full of possibilities, and that fear and negativity is the only thing holding me back. I’ve dealt with stuff such as, ringing the council to see how the claims doing, and ringing up the landlord to ask for a letter saying they’re selling the flat and to express my worries. I’ve even rang up about volunteering as a dog walker, as we went for a lovely walk by the sea on Monday evening, and I miss having a dog with me. (Our dog Jess died about a year and a half ago, and wasn’t ill until her last few weeks. She managed a good fourteen years). I even finished an article, but I still got lower as the day went on.

In the end I took to bed. As I’ve said before, I can get to a stage where I can’t focus on the television, or people talking to me, but I can read. To stop myself wallowing I picked up The Zahir by Paulo Coehlo, a story about his relationship with his wife. The whole reason I’ve got the motivation to write this blog is to share a paragraph I read this afternoon. If you’ve followed my blog you’ll know I’ve constantly had an on off relationship with the internet. Talking about the writing process Paulo says:

“I try to log onto the internet, but its not working. It’s never been the same since I destroyed the connection. I called various technicians, but when they finally turned up, they could find nothing wrong with the computer. They asked me what I was complaining about, spent half an hour doing tests, changed the configuration, and assured me that the problem lay not with me but with the server. I allowed myself to be convinced that everything was, in fact, fine, and I felt ridiculous for having to ask for help. Two or three hours later, the computer and the connection would both crash. Now after months of physical and psychological wear and tear, I simply accept that technology is stronger and more powerful than me: it works when it wants to, and when it doesn’t its best to sit down and read the paper or go for a walk, and wait until the cables and the telephone links are in a better mood, and the computer decides to work again. I am not, I have discovered, my computer’s master: it has a life of its own”.

I totally identified with this; apart from I don’t have the money to call technicians in.

Although this is about computers Paulo’s philosophy of accepting the blips could be useful for people with depression. I have learnt over the years to sometimes just accept the lows when they come, as I know that they will pass. Tomorrows another day.