Dreams

One thing I did not update you on since my Hope post was that G rang me in the middle of the night in hospital to say he had been kidnapped & put in a mental health ward. He asked me to call the police. He was moved on the middle of the night  which should not happened. The next day he told me he could be discharged after he had a scan. He told me he had the scan so I picked him up. That night he told me he stayed in the corridor  all night because he saw rats running across the floor & he did not know where he  was. He thought he was in a care home & he was a member of staff. The night he  wanted me to call the police I spoke to the doctor on the ward who said he thought G was having symptoms of detox  After I picked him up he said he saw a rat running across our bedroom floor, & then admitted to me the doctor had  spoken to him & expressed his  concern G war suffering alcohol withdrawal & was hallucinating & should not leave.  G left & drank a very few ciders  ( which stopped withdrawal symptoms) but did not solve the problem  

High alert

There are many times I should post & I don't. A week or so ago I had a really horrible night of G's extreme anger. I could tell you the date if you looked in my diary. G spent about an hour & a half shouting at me really nasty stuff. I'm the biggest bitch in the world, nastiest person ever  etc. I'm not. I know that & I don't need to go into why I'm not in this post. Up until G started to realise his drinking was affecting his health I hated weekends.  I was on high alert, high anxiety all the time after a week working. Even when working I've had days when G has been so pissed when I'm working  I've been so worried about background noise if I've been in a meeting or on a call with my manager. 

Anyway that's not the reason I am posting tonight. The main reason I am posting tonight is now we have a dog & tonight Tiger (who is 8  we've have only had him 6 months) has been on high alert. I've had years to get to know G but Tiger hasn't & when G's drunk & hyper now it's not just affecting me: it's affecting Tiger & I spent a lot of time tonight cuddling him & trying to stop him from shaking & panting & this happens a lot since we had him. 

G wanted a dog (as did I) but G gets annoyed with him when he's not as affectionate with him (because he's nervous & scared) & he is horrible to Tiger. I can cope with him being horrible to me but a dog doesn't  understand. I knew what G was like,  but I really did  not think he would be that way with a dog. I thought a dog would calm him & not be another reason for his extreme anger. I feel so guilty I've  put a dog into this situation & I'm worried the high stress Tiger is experiencing will shorten his life. He is such a gorgeous dog & does not deserve to have to deal with such a selfish bastard. (I was trying to think of the words  to descr ibe G &  when he is not drinking too much he's anything but,however  when he's drinking  I think  got the description right) 

Hope

I have not posted since saying I was back. It's difficult having any time to myself to write about my experience of living with an alcoholic, & I only have time because G is in hospital due to Pancreatitis. It's not the first time he's been in hospital with this & after  the last time he was doing really well cutting back on alcohol for a while, but  he started having more & more binges. I was waking up in the morning to him being drunk. I have been in a high alert state of anxiety  a lot of days. Worried about him falling down, often being subject to extreme anger, & wishing he would fall asleep for 2 reasons 1/ to have a bit of peace for a while & 2/ when he was asleep he was having a break from drinking. After working all week, weekends can be a complete nightmare. However this time around in hospital, he has stayed in for a 2nd night, as he is getting treatment in a drip to detox. Last time he was in with pancreatitis he discharged himself the night he went  in. He has made the decision to stay in & detox so this post is titled hope because I have hope. Xxx

I'm back.

So its been many years since Ive last blogged but feel now I need to keep a record again of whats been going on in my life. Not the best timing but before tonight I had not posted as I thought because I probably could not remenber a password from over 12 years ago I would not be able to post on here & I tried to log in & it took me right here. If this posts I will start writing again: experiences of living with an acloholic. An alcoholic who has anger problems. Who I agree with even if I don't agree with him to prevent him going off the wall & getting really angry. Thing is when he does not drink too much & does not get angry hes lovely. Tonight I did a risk assessment with the police but because the situation has calmed down & I wanted to get back to a peacefull evening I did play down a lot of the questions. Yes he has tried to prevent me having contact with friends & even my family which he hasnt suceeded in. Yes he does completely want to know word for word what I write in messages I send to people & exactly what they say to me. He needs to know where I am & what Im doing all the time. He is manipulative. He makes me feel like I the one in the wrong all the time. I feel completely controled. I am a strong woman but im struggling.