Last night I went out and had a brilliant night with my daughter and her mates. Megan was going on a sleepover, and I’d just had a funky haircut, so I thought I should seize the opportunity, and go out on the town. No one I knew was going out, but Tamsin said come out with me, and I was so glad I did.
We went to the Swan which had a band playing. They did covers, and did them well. They did Nirvana teen spirit, and other equally rocking tracks. The pub was filled with young people, and at first I felt a bit like the odd one out, but after a few drinks I loosened up a bit, and felt comfortable. I spoke to some of my daughter, Alices’s friends (Alice had only left a few minutes before I got there), and was made to feel very welcome by Tamsin’s friends.
I’d had a good day (mood wise), which was lucky, as I’d only been there half an hour when Ian’s brother Paul, and his girlfriend Helen (who I have known for years) came in, with Paul’s kids. I was enjoying myself, and I didn’t crumble, which I thought I would do if I saw them. In the time I was with Ian, I saw Paul’s kids a lot, and have lovely memories of time spent with them. It was great to see them. Paul and Helen also did a set, which was great. They run the Open mic night, (on a Wednesday), which I don’t get to now because of an early start on a Thursday morning, and I’ve missed their music.
Tamsin and I nattered all night, and she told me tonight how she was pissed off at her dad, because he’s abandoned his responsibilities, not so much to her as she’s older but to Megan. She realises he needed to go to India and follow his dreams, and acknowledges it’s maybe what he needed. But she is annoyed at the lack of monetary contribution he’s given, and acknowledges how much support whether it’s been financial or not, is always available from me.
She also said she understood why we split up. When her dad was around he would take his bad mood out on the nearest person, and she said how after he had gone the house was much more chilled.
She told me she’d thought she’d had a good upbringing, and how her upbringing helped her to be an independent person. It meant so much to me to hear this. Especially as with all my daughters, they saw me as a complete mess for a fair few months. And since then, they have seen me go down again and again. Tamsin is a very strong beautiful young woman and I’m so proud of her. I am so proud of all of my kids they are all very interesting individual spirits.
She also revealed how worried she was about me about a year and a half ago, she was worried I might do something stupid, such as end it all. It was good to have such a completely honest chat with her, as I was able to say, I would have never have done anything, because I knew I had my 3girls to be there for. That’s the only thing that kept me going.
Through all the years my kids have seen lots of crap, most of the time they’ve had 2 fairly unconventional parents. Their voices have always been important, to me. To be told I’ve been a good mother, when all along I’ve been thinking what a mess I’ve made of it all, was absolutely brilliant.
Tamsin is twenty in a couple of weeks, another big milestone, no longer a teenager. Her turning twenty soon has been making me feel old, however sitting, chatting, and laughing with a group of her friends in the pub, made me feel quite young. I didn’t feel out of place at all. I was reminded again of my age, when I was introduced to lads, (or rather men), I remember as little ones playing outside in the cul de sac we used to live in. It was a most enjoyable and enlightening evening.