Yesterday was a ‘facing my demons’ sort of day. First off I went to parents evening at Meg’s school. It is always utter chaos, with the so called appointment system completely disregarded. You basically go from one queue to another. Suffering from anxiety, especially in crowds, it’s not my favourite occasion. I was there for two hours and saw 6 teachers. As I was waiting to see the last one I felt the tears coming, and managed to hold them back, and was so pleased to get out of there.
I had arranged to go down to the open mic, with some friends later in the evening, and as well as feeling drained from the parent’s evening, my stomach was in my heart, thinking about meeting ‘the woman’. My friends turned up and we had a couple of G&T’s, before going out, which did calm my nerves. Anyway I walked in and she was there wearing a little very short suit type thing. Apparently she had worked the room already. After being there for about 10 minutes she came up to me smiling saying ‘Jacqui’, in a pleased to see me sort of way. I just said ‘I don’t want to talk to you’ and walked away. I didn’t crumble, I didn’t call her a slag (although I secretly wished I had).
I really enjoyed the evening, I saw friends I hadn’t seen for ages, her presence didn’t bother me. She saw me smiling, having a good time with lots of friends around me. Helen later came up to me, and said Mel had asked her to ask me if she could talk to me. I told her to tell Mel she could fuck right off. I had been so nervous about going, and combined with people buying me drinks, I did end up a bit drunk, but I didn’t do anything to make a fool of myself.
The only problem is I know when I’m not brilliantly well, that a night drinking has a big effect on my mood the next day. Despite knowing I enjoyed myself, and I presented the image of ‘I’m not bothered’ successfully, I can’t shake the blues today. I think maybe I also did too much yesterday.
It also didn’t help that I got a summons in the post this morning. It was for Council tax on my old place back in 2004. When we sold the house I went to the council tax office, and said I wanted to pay everything I owed on that property, and they presented me with a figure that I paid. Unfortunately they did not mention this £330.00. I thought it was all square, and now when I’ve got no money left, and have no idea how I’m going to afford my extortionately high rent, they hit me with this. I am so annoyed that when I went to pay off all my arrears last year, they didn’t give me the correct figure to pay, and now I have to go and see them and make an arrangement to pay them. I’m also really pissed off as it’s my ex husbands debt as well as mine, and I know he’ll just say well I haven’t got any money if I ask him for something towards this bill.
Anyway I’m just telling myself this mood will pass, it is probably to do with drinking too much last night, and hopefully tomorrow I’ll be back to firing on all cylinders again.