Wednesday, March 07, 2007


Just when I think I’m doing ok, something happens which brings home how fragile I am at the moment.

To start with my friend is very low, and after a bump in her car it needs to go into the garage. Living in rural Cornwall, being without transport is a diaster. She was able to get a courtesy car but had to pick it up from about 6 miles away, and as it is a car she’s never driven before, she doesn’t think she can do it. She has always had panics about driving, unless it’s in her own familiar car, along roads she know’s. I completely feel for her, and can understand her phobia, because of my own experience of panic. I really wanted to help, and suggested sitting in the car with her while she drove back and got used to the car.

Then I got to thinking, how would we get there?, when can I fit it in?, If I took my car how would I get back to pick it up?, and I felt panicked. I wanted to help a really good friend out, but I wasn’t sure if I could. I will do whatever I can to help.

Then I got a phonecall from another friend to tell me the latest. Apparantly the woman who my now ex boyfriend woke up with the other night, wants to talk to me. I’ve known her for years, she was a friend of a friend and came round my house a few times. I visited her a few years back. Since then whenever we have seen each other we’ve had a bit of a natter, but never kept in touch unless we’ve bumped into each other.

When I was told she wanted to talk to me, I felt the anger raging inside me. If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know it’s only recently since I’ve accepted there is a lot of anger within me, which is a change from my normal characteristic trait of being a walkover. I have always taken on board, too much of other people’s perception of life, at the expense of my own. So I end up being a walkover. But no more. Now I’m told the woman who flirted with, and invited my man back to her place, wants to talk to me. What do I do? Do I see the situation from her perspective, as I have done before. I can envisage whats she’s going to say, maybe she’ll tell me she thought he was single, I don’t think so because they talked about me on the night. Even if she did think he was single, she still has, or had a boyfriend at the time.

I’ve just this minute found out, that she is going out tonight. I want to go out but I really don’t know how I am going to cope seeing her. I’ll probably not be able to stop the tears. I know there will be friends there, that will be there for me and support me. I want to go out, but I am afraid I will lose it, in public. I live in a small town and losing control in front of people of the town, will have detrimental effects. I realise how fragile I am. Should I go out? Or should I not? I will let you know what I do.

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