Wallowing

What is it with, when you get so low, you wallow in it. Last time, I broke down so much I couldn’t function, one thing I was able to do was read, yet I couldn’t concentrate on any television programe. Despite not being able to cook a meal, or deal with opening any post, I had the concentration to read which amazes me, and I’m still not sure why. It was actually a long time ago since shutting down last (1 ½ years), and although I’m getting close to that again, I’m determined not to go there again.
At that time, I wallowed in my depression, and being able to read, I escaped within it. I read Lucky and Lovely Bones by Alice Seebold, The Bell jar by Slyvia Plath ( who committed suicide 2 weeks after this book was published), Veronica decides to die by Paulo Coehlo, and Prozac nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel. I was not able to do anything else, but I read 2 or 3 books a week and still remember all the stories vividly.
As well as these very depressing books, I read Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath, Huxley’s Island, Memoirs of a Geisha, Orwell’s The road to Wigan pier, and about 5 of Paulo Coehlo stories (he’s a great story teller). Books helped me through that period, and I feel like I might be going there again, but this time I’m wallowing in music.
I have lots of angry male music, 3colours red, Rage against the machine, etc, but this morning I woke up thinking, I needed some good angry woman’s vocals, and I didn’t mean Alanis Morrisette. I had listened to Gossip’s single ‘Standing in the way of control’ a few times in the car, on the radio, and after seeing the lead singer doing Temptation with Jarvis Cocker, on the NME music awards last night, I was even more convinced of her passion for music and her talent. So I went out and brought the album. I’ve got it on repeat, while I’m writing ths blog, and it’s brilliant. She’s so refreshing, she tells it as it is, she’s not a skinny, trying to be sex symbol, like a lot of the girl singers, out there now. On the cd cover she’s wearing a sexy dress, she is a sexy woman, and she hasn’t shaved her underarms, which is great. Why the fuck should we! I’ve always felt this and while in a realtionship for 21 years, I was happy to be me and not shave, since being a single woman out there, the pressure to shave bits and bobs is more in my face. Anyway listen to Gossip I think they are great.
Going back to wallowing, instead of reading this time round, I’ve been listening to music fitting my mood. I’ve been listening to Obediant Bone, which is a Devon band I think, and I’m looking forward to seing them again soon. The other side of the tape I’ve done for the car, is Lamb, Between darkness and wonder. One song (track 5) I have listened to again and again, it goes like this:

Whats left to say, with all thats come and gone
Words get in the way, and any way, the devils got your tongue
And the storm brews inside
And there’s nowhere to hide
It’s gonna blow your cover sky high (I worry bout this happening at Uni)
If you let this thing go, It’s gonna burn, it’s gonna burn
You’re going to take the whole world with you, when you go

Burn Burn Burn
What you going to do when the storm takes over
Oh oh oh
What you going to do when the storm takes over

So here you are
Demon’s screaming in your head, You try to shut them out
But they just get louder, instead
And nothing you do, can seem to break through
This darkness smothering you
When it takes hold, and your heart turns cold
Your very soul seeps out of you.

Burn Burn Burn
What you going to do when the storm takes over, takes over you
Oh oh oh
Can you hold this thing?
Can you hold this thing?

Till the clouds clear


Without the powerful music behind it, it’s probably not so easy to imagine how the song goes. This is probably one of the best lyrics describing depression that I’ve heard, the music compliments the words completely. Why do I wallow and find myself leaning towards words expressing how I feel? Does it help? Probably not.