It was quite a low beginning to the week, but it got better. After a non productive Monday, rising panic about all the work due in, I was still feeling exhausted on Tuesday. I drove to Falmouth, for a 15 minute tutorial, and got some good comments on my work, which made it worth the journey. I was there for less than an hour and I felt so shattered when I got back I collapsed on the bed.
Around 8 I got a phone call from Ian asking if he could stay, so he could get to the jobcentre the next day. He’s staying at a friend’s who lives in the middle of nowhere. He could get a lift in so I said ok. I didn’t really want to see him. I had been thinking a lot about him being round; that we were slipping back into behaving like a couple which I didn’t want, I shouldn’t be still jumping into bed with him, that we have been walking into town and what would happen if we bumped into ‘the woman’ would he talk to her, how would I react? etc.
With all this confusion the past couple of weeks, and a lot of thinking, I had made up my mind I was going to say that I needed him to stop coming over, it as over and I need to move on. So actually Tuesday night provided an opportunity to have a talk. We talked, I said what was on my mind, he understood why, but it was sad. Sad because it could have been good, sad because I knew it couldn’t be. But also positive, as we had a fun year.
Now I’ve got to stick by my decision, which I know may not be easy. He said he would give up on me if that’s what I wanted, and I said it was, but I’m still not sure that he won’t ring, or turn up on my doorstep. He knows I know he has nowhere else to stay in town, although I don’t think he’ll be turned away by ‘the woman’. Maybe he will leave me be.
I felt stronger the next day. Despite ending up having a late night, I didn’t feel so tired and I was able to write the introduction to my book, as well as taking time to drive my daughter to minor injuries, as she twisted a ligament during a long jump at school. Meg’s knee wasn’t too bad, after a few hours she stopped limping so much, and today it’s a lot better.
Today I took my laptop into uni, and between a bit of a class, and tutorials I edited three articles for assessment. Looking back at the week, it seems that when I lifted a load off my mind, I got my energy back.
Only just this minute (Thursday evening 9.30), Ian’s walked through the door.
It’s 9.00 in the morning, (Friday) so the ‘today’ I wrote above now means yesterday. As you know Ian turned up, he had walked the 6 ½ miles from the caravan as he wanted to make a phone call in the morning (he didn’t have any credit on his phone). It was ok we had a good natter about allsorts including his songs. He’s a very talented songwriter and had just written a new song. Here’s a line from it;
“My lifes a pantomime I think a lot of me is fake. I walk a thin line between reality and escape”
We talked about how, sometimes he doesn’t know where the words come from, and then he looks at them afterwards and says ‘oh that’s what I’m feeling’. We had quite a deep conversation about childhood and how we carry stuff through to adulthood etc, and we talked about moving on from each other. He slept on the sofa.
Now I’ve warmed up my writing muscles by finishing off this posting, I need to get on with the serious stuff.