Tuesday, April 17, 2007

It's so confusing.

Back at Uni today and looking forward to seeing all my friends. I haven’t finished my Industry analysis, due in on Friday, but hope to get stuck into that this evening and tomorrow. Then just to add to the stress my landlords calling round on Saturday, so after hand in there’s no rest; I need to blitz the house. While I’ve got lots of writing to do, I don’t get much clearing up done, and the little jobs like cleaning the cupboards etc get left completely. So after hand in on Friday I’ve got to come back and clean.

On top of that I’ve had Ian staying, and it looks like he may give Cornwall another go. He’s going to stay at a friends tonight and I’m hoping he can stay there most of the time. I don’t need him around. It’s been a confusing few days, I know there are feelings there, I’ve enjoyed the cuddling, the company etc, but I know I can’t go there. In this case it’s right to let my head override my heart. He doesn’t work, he has no money, and he cowers from responsibility, and it’s been like that since we met. His rebelness I was attracted to, in the first place, is not what I need. After a year he hasn’t changed, if I am to be in a relationship with anyone, I need someone who will at least pay their way. And someone who will not go off on a bender and end up in someone’s bed. The trust has definitely still gone, and you need trust in a relationship.

Maybe jumping into bed was not a good idea, it’s enabled us to get comfortable with each other again. But I know in my mind he’s not the man for me, because of the way he is. Maybe I should have been strong and kept him at arms length. Although I am strong verbally, in that I’ve been clear I don’t want to be with him. I’ve contradicted that by getting intimate with him. We’ll just have to see how this week goes, if he can stay at his friends more permanently etc. I know with him in Cornwall it’s going to be more difficult I want to move on with my life, not be reminded of my feelings and the hurt all the time.

What if we do manage to go our separate ways, and I see him flirting with women in the pub, how will I feel? For me it’s easier if he goes back to London, but that’s completely selfish. It’s very rough where he lives, although it has a good community feel about it. On the downside he’s surrounded by alcoholics, drug addicts and violence up there. Who can blame him from wanting to escape? It’s so difficult and so confusing.

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