Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I've got to write something down

I’ve got to write something down, to try and work out, what needs to come out of my head. I feel completely drained, and low, even though I went into Uni and saw friends, and had a really good class. I’m putting it down to having time on my own to think today, which I haven’t had for a few days. Time to ponder on how I feel about Ian being around, whether I should have kept him more at arms length etc.

When I got back I popped to the shop, and saw Ian’s sister in law, who said that Ian had been round twice shouting at her. Immediately I started feeling like shit, I didn’t need this, I’m not getting involved, will they blame me for letting him stay?, should I have let him stay?, would it have been easier if I hadn’t? (for me and for them)

So I get back to find him on the house phone to London (one very annoying thing about him is that I often find him on the house phone when I get back from somewhere). When I’m here he normally drop calls people, but how do I know whether he’s phoned them or they’ve phoned him when I’m not there.

After he got off the phone, he just ranted and ranted, about how he’d told her what he felt, how apparently his brother wants to hit him, and he’s got to go and see him and get it over with. It’s a long complicated story line, Ian and his family. I won’t bore you with it. I don’t want all this again, I don’t need the hyper moods, and I’m realising I was wrong to let him in again. It was great to see him at first, but the past few days he’s been annoying me. He had started doing things he used to, such as ranting, and winding Megan up. When those two get together, it’s like dealing with two hyperactive naughty loud children.

I also felt he was spinning me a yarn. I had a feeling about the phone calls he got, between the ranting this evening. When he said he was talking to his sister he called her sweetheart, which he says to many friends who are women, even my friends which they’ve got used to. However I’ve heard him chat on the phone loads in the past year, and he has never called his sister sweetheart. Something just didn’t ring true. Whatever my reasons for these thoughts, it shows the trust has gone, and once that’s gone it’s over.

I was saved by the doorbell. My friends Dee and Steve turned up. Steve was taking Ian to his place for the night, and then coming back for Dee, as they had to be at friends for eight. At 20past eight he turned up. Ian had persuaded him to call round at his brothers on the way, and apparently Ian and his brother had a big row, there was lots of screaming, walking up and down the street, banging of doors etc. I felt awful for Steve. Steve really likes Ian, and wanted him to stay and not go back to London before, however I worry about Ian imposing himself. It’s the same feeling I had with my ex husband, I felt responsible for his actions, and felt guilty when he let anyone down.

I know it’s wrong for me to feel like this. Guilt is a completely useless emotion.

Anyway I’m on my own. I can relax. Yeah!!!! Writing this down has really helped, I’m not feeling as low. I’m still feeling pretty drained but that’s nothing a goods night sleep won’t fix. I only hope Ian either decides to go back to London, or if he decides to stay at Steve’s, it’s because Steve’s happy with that, and that he pays his way. The past couple of days have reinforced why I can’t have Ian in my life. I wasn’t strong but I’ll know to be next time he visits.

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