It would be wonderful, if friends I have made on this course could catch up and have a break over the summer. I realise this may not be possible because of deadlines over the summer, which I have avoided due to giving myself longer to get my book together, and deferring the MA unit.
However these are my only 2holidays I allow myself in the year. It would be great if any of you could make it to any of these lovely festival weekends. www.maker.ik.org & www.beautifuldays.org.uk
Friday, March 30, 2007
Reaching a milestone
It’s a big moment. I’ve now filled a A4 notebook with notes from interviews, 1st drafts of all sorts of writing, including blog postings, and song lyrics of songs I would like to sing at the open mic night. As I don’t play guitar, I have written down lyrics that I would like to sing acappela.
In my last posting I mentioned I am going to practice some songs with my friend Cyrus. I approached him initially, saying I had a song I wanted to sing which was the ‘Littlest birds’ by the Be good Tanya’s, and we decided on ‘There’s a guy works round the chip shop swears he Elvis’ by Kirstie MacColl as the other song we could do. We practised them for a few weeks but I only got to do them once.
Not playing any instruments to accompany myself I have relied on someone to accompany me, but Cyrus is not there every week, so I have been looking for songs I can sing unaccompanied. If I want to have a go at singing, I can’t rely on people accompanying me.
A favourite song of mine is ‘Homophobia’ by Chumba Wamba and I would love to do that one, but being in a small town, some of the people (not all) out and about in the pubs have a bit of an ignorant point of view, and I don’t know how it will go down. I WILL sing it, but need to get a bit more established singing at the open mic before I do. Actually chances are no-one will be listening anyway, as often everyone’s a little pissed and chatting, although I would actually like people to take notice of the words, as they are very powerful. The other song I would like to sing is the Clash’s ‘Bank robber’, which is a fun song and is easily sung acappela. After I have sung ‘littlest birds’ a couple of times I will hopefully have the opportunity to sing these 2songs.
I will just continue with my quest to firstly sing with Cyrus, and then to sing without accompaniment, as they haven’t got the musicians turning up that used to. I want to sing, I have a good voice, I have a strong voice, and I want the opportunity to show it.
In my last posting I mentioned I am going to practice some songs with my friend Cyrus. I approached him initially, saying I had a song I wanted to sing which was the ‘Littlest birds’ by the Be good Tanya’s, and we decided on ‘There’s a guy works round the chip shop swears he Elvis’ by Kirstie MacColl as the other song we could do. We practised them for a few weeks but I only got to do them once.
Not playing any instruments to accompany myself I have relied on someone to accompany me, but Cyrus is not there every week, so I have been looking for songs I can sing unaccompanied. If I want to have a go at singing, I can’t rely on people accompanying me.
A favourite song of mine is ‘Homophobia’ by Chumba Wamba and I would love to do that one, but being in a small town, some of the people (not all) out and about in the pubs have a bit of an ignorant point of view, and I don’t know how it will go down. I WILL sing it, but need to get a bit more established singing at the open mic before I do. Actually chances are no-one will be listening anyway, as often everyone’s a little pissed and chatting, although I would actually like people to take notice of the words, as they are very powerful. The other song I would like to sing is the Clash’s ‘Bank robber’, which is a fun song and is easily sung acappela. After I have sung ‘littlest birds’ a couple of times I will hopefully have the opportunity to sing these 2songs.
I will just continue with my quest to firstly sing with Cyrus, and then to sing without accompaniment, as they haven’t got the musicians turning up that used to. I want to sing, I have a good voice, I have a strong voice, and I want the opportunity to show it.
Muddling on
It’s been a busy week writing, but it seems like I haven’t got much done. I’ve almost finished four pages of an eight page spread of a ‘blad’ for my book. A blad is basically an eight page spread showing example pages from your book. It provides commissioning publishers etc with an idea of the finished product. The trouble is every time I read it, I edit it and change it more, and with the limited time I have left to finish it, I should really be concentrating on the other four pages.
I did go out on Wednesday night again to the Open mic, and have arranged to practice a of couple songs with my friend who accompanies me on guitar, and then hopefully get up and sing it. I was going to do it next week, and then I remembered I had the work experience, so I won’t be going. I had a go last year, but only got to do it once. The past couple of times I have been to the Open mic, it seems that not so many musicians are turning up, so they’re keen for me to sing.
I’ll be fine singing as long as ‘the woman’ is not in my view. She made her presence known more on Wednesday, but I still successfully managed to ignore her. She didn’t seem to be with anyone, and if she wasn’t flirting with someone, she was standing on her own. Not that I feel sorry for her. The way she is, is the reason women don’t want to talk to her much. You make your bed and you lie in it.
Anyway it’s bit of a short post today. I’m getting hungry and need to make some food. I’m still calorie counting and trying to lose weight, but despite eating mostly salads, my jeans are still tight. I am losing lb’s slowly, and I suppose the slower it comes off the easier it will be to maintain my desired weight. Ta Ta for now
I did go out on Wednesday night again to the Open mic, and have arranged to practice a of couple songs with my friend who accompanies me on guitar, and then hopefully get up and sing it. I was going to do it next week, and then I remembered I had the work experience, so I won’t be going. I had a go last year, but only got to do it once. The past couple of times I have been to the Open mic, it seems that not so many musicians are turning up, so they’re keen for me to sing.
I’ll be fine singing as long as ‘the woman’ is not in my view. She made her presence known more on Wednesday, but I still successfully managed to ignore her. She didn’t seem to be with anyone, and if she wasn’t flirting with someone, she was standing on her own. Not that I feel sorry for her. The way she is, is the reason women don’t want to talk to her much. You make your bed and you lie in it.
Anyway it’s bit of a short post today. I’m getting hungry and need to make some food. I’m still calorie counting and trying to lose weight, but despite eating mostly salads, my jeans are still tight. I am losing lb’s slowly, and I suppose the slower it comes off the easier it will be to maintain my desired weight. Ta Ta for now
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Sometimes you don't need to write to have a productive day
Today or rather yesterday was not a productive day when it comes to writing, but was productive in the preparation for writing. First off I went to the housing benefit office. Opening post and dealing with paperwork fills me with dread. It’s been 5months since I started the course and it’s only today, I took the evidence in to say I’m a student, and get a discount on my council tax. As well as this I was making a claim for housing benefit, and had to make arrangements to pay towards the summons I got last week (see Facing demons post)
I spent over an hour there, and a lot of the time I probably made the woman helping me quite uncomfortable, by my constant tears. I felt completely drained afterwards, and couldn’t get my head round any writing.
Later however, my friend came round, who had inspired me in the first place, to write a book about vaginal medical conditions. The plan was interview her more on lichen sclerosus (LS), specifically this time looking at alternative remedies she has used. What had worked for her, and what hadn’t. We spent a few hours working, chatting, and eating dinner. We gathered a lot of information that I’m sure would be really useful for women with LS to read.
Then after bidding her farewell, I checked my emails. I start work experience at Vitality matters (www.vitalitymatters.org.uk) on Monday, and had an email from the editor. I have had 2articles already published in their magazine. They want me to go to an Organic Business media event on Monday, where small local organic businesses will be promoting themselves. They want me to write an article on Cut4cloth www.cut4cloth.co.uk, a Cornish based company that specialises in making clothing for babies, using natural organically grown cotton, which fits around a cloth nappy. When my daughters were babies I used cloth nappies, and found that babygro’s etc did not fit around them, so I feel this really fits a niche in the market. It’s very exciting to get right in there on my first day, and I’m really looking forward to it.
I also had an email telling me my website was online. As I’m a bit of a technophobe, I didn’t know what I was doing to set it up myself. All the pages are exactly as I had built, and designed them using the dreamweaver package, on the University’s computers. It looks great, all the links work. The only thing I want to change is some of the writing samples, as I have edited and improved them since I designed the site. I have added a link to my website, from this blog. It’s quite basic but I think its good enough for commissioning editors, and publications that may pay me for articles, to get an idea of who I am.
I may not have done any actual writing today, apart from on my blog, and comments on others, but my day has been productive in other ways.
I spent over an hour there, and a lot of the time I probably made the woman helping me quite uncomfortable, by my constant tears. I felt completely drained afterwards, and couldn’t get my head round any writing.
Later however, my friend came round, who had inspired me in the first place, to write a book about vaginal medical conditions. The plan was interview her more on lichen sclerosus (LS), specifically this time looking at alternative remedies she has used. What had worked for her, and what hadn’t. We spent a few hours working, chatting, and eating dinner. We gathered a lot of information that I’m sure would be really useful for women with LS to read.
Then after bidding her farewell, I checked my emails. I start work experience at Vitality matters (www.vitalitymatters.org.uk) on Monday, and had an email from the editor. I have had 2articles already published in their magazine. They want me to go to an Organic Business media event on Monday, where small local organic businesses will be promoting themselves. They want me to write an article on Cut4cloth www.cut4cloth.co.uk, a Cornish based company that specialises in making clothing for babies, using natural organically grown cotton, which fits around a cloth nappy. When my daughters were babies I used cloth nappies, and found that babygro’s etc did not fit around them, so I feel this really fits a niche in the market. It’s very exciting to get right in there on my first day, and I’m really looking forward to it.
I also had an email telling me my website was online. As I’m a bit of a technophobe, I didn’t know what I was doing to set it up myself. All the pages are exactly as I had built, and designed them using the dreamweaver package, on the University’s computers. It looks great, all the links work. The only thing I want to change is some of the writing samples, as I have edited and improved them since I designed the site. I have added a link to my website, from this blog. It’s quite basic but I think its good enough for commissioning editors, and publications that may pay me for articles, to get an idea of who I am.
I may not have done any actual writing today, apart from on my blog, and comments on others, but my day has been productive in other ways.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Writing an Opinion piece
After days in isolation, stuck in my bedroom, so Tams and Megs didn’t get my horrible bug, I’ve been able to venture into the front room and beyond, and felt well enough to do some work. With four days of not writing, I have been panicking about the time I have to do the amount of writing I need to do. However today I have actually managed to almost finish my opinion piece for the features unit.
While I was ill, I caught up on reading newspapers I had lying around. 11 years ago I did my Access course final project on the portrayal of drugs by the media. It was titled ‘More harm than good. A study into the effects of the portrayal of drugs, and their users, by the media.’ The ‘moral panic’ at the time was focused on the drug ecstasy. In a complete turn around, last week, the Independent on Sunday (IOS) apologised for campaigning for the decriminalisation of cannabis 10 years ago, saying the rise in the production of skunk, means that now it is more dangerous than ecstasy. They put forward that super strength skunk is responsible for a rise in teenage schizophrenia, and should be upgraded again.
Bullshit, I’m sorry, but they have based their articles on inconclusive evidence, and inconsistent facts. They say that skunk available now is 25 times stronger than ‘traditional cannabis resin’. They have basically compared the weakest cannabis 10 years ago to the strongest available today, to distort the facts and to support their argument. What they don’t acknowledge was that this super strength skunk has been on the market for many years, including the period when they were calling for decriminalisation 10 years ago.
In my opinion it is undeniable that smoking cannabis heavily, does exasperate mental illness, and increase feelings of paranoia. However it is more likely that people with developing mental health problems, look to cannabis as a means of self medication and escape for a while, than the idea that cannabis causes severe mental problems. They are a very small minority of the cannabis smoking population. Upgrading cannabis again will only affect the millions (9 million+ according to IOS) who smoke cannabis with no damaging effects to themselves or society.
As you can probably guess the IOS report is the subject of my opinion piece, and I have pulled it apart. I will put it on my Jax writer’s spot blog when I have finished it. So I’ve had a good writing day and I hope this trend continues, it needs to if I’m going to get all my work done.
While I was ill, I caught up on reading newspapers I had lying around. 11 years ago I did my Access course final project on the portrayal of drugs by the media. It was titled ‘More harm than good. A study into the effects of the portrayal of drugs, and their users, by the media.’ The ‘moral panic’ at the time was focused on the drug ecstasy. In a complete turn around, last week, the Independent on Sunday (IOS) apologised for campaigning for the decriminalisation of cannabis 10 years ago, saying the rise in the production of skunk, means that now it is more dangerous than ecstasy. They put forward that super strength skunk is responsible for a rise in teenage schizophrenia, and should be upgraded again.
Bullshit, I’m sorry, but they have based their articles on inconclusive evidence, and inconsistent facts. They say that skunk available now is 25 times stronger than ‘traditional cannabis resin’. They have basically compared the weakest cannabis 10 years ago to the strongest available today, to distort the facts and to support their argument. What they don’t acknowledge was that this super strength skunk has been on the market for many years, including the period when they were calling for decriminalisation 10 years ago.
In my opinion it is undeniable that smoking cannabis heavily, does exasperate mental illness, and increase feelings of paranoia. However it is more likely that people with developing mental health problems, look to cannabis as a means of self medication and escape for a while, than the idea that cannabis causes severe mental problems. They are a very small minority of the cannabis smoking population. Upgrading cannabis again will only affect the millions (9 million+ according to IOS) who smoke cannabis with no damaging effects to themselves or society.
As you can probably guess the IOS report is the subject of my opinion piece, and I have pulled it apart. I will put it on my Jax writer’s spot blog when I have finished it. So I’ve had a good writing day and I hope this trend continues, it needs to if I’m going to get all my work done.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Rant about the NHS
Woke up yesterday morning, and started having lower abdominal pains, sickness and was hot and cold. I had stomach cramps, which only lasted for a few minutes, but were so painful they had me in tears. I stayed in bed all day and around 5oclock, Megs and Tams insisted I go to the doctors, so Tams took me down. Without an appointment, we had rung up just before we left, I was seen within 5 minutes, as there was nobody else waiting.
The doctor checked me out, and she was quite thorough. I was very tender all over the stomach area, so she ensured me I probably wasn’t pushing my coil out, which I had done about 15 years ago, and was wondering if it might be that. I also had a temperature, and it looked like it was a bug that she had seen in about 4 people that day. I was relieved, she gave me a prescription for some pain killers that would help the pain, and help with the diarrhoea I was most likely to experience next. Sorry to be so blunt.
I have just opened the pain killers, and it’s actually made me quite angry. I have been thinking today of how I’m going to write an opinion piece, for my features unit. I had thought I would write a piece about the waiting time to see a doctor. Today was definitely a break from the norm of waiting often up to an hour, to see the doctor. When you suffer from anxiety, waiting for the doctor is not a pleasant experience, the more I wait the worse I feel, and by the time I get in there, I’m tearful and appear to be a complete wreck.
Why am I angry? I’m angry, because of the excess demands on anyone trying to provide a service, and because communication is so slack, communication that could cost lives. I opened the packet of painkillers, Co-codamol, and I’ve been given 50 of them, the packet was bulging as it was so over packed. I fanned them out and looked at them, enough to end it all. The first thought that hit me was why give me so many? Stomach bugs normally only last a few days. Did she even look at my past history?
I am angry because I’ve really needed the help from the NHS and haven’t received it. I have needed support, but they haven’t given me the support I need. I had a CPN for about a year, and because of the way I am (I can be ok one day, and then the next I’m a mess) she saw me on a couple of better days and let me go. I’m angry because at 40 with three daughters, I asked about sterilisation and was told it was unlikely they would agree because of my mental health. Just because I get a bit depressed doesn’t mean I am not absolutely sure sterilisation is right for me. But apparently I can’t make my own decisions.
I’m angry because every time I crash a bit, by the time I get to see a counsellor (normally about 2 months later), I don’t need the support as much as I did when I asked for it. And I’m angry because I took a couple of Co-codamol, which has helped with the pain, but because of their constipating affect I can’t poo. My body feels like a good poo would really sort it out.
I don’t want sympathy, I just want support. Due to financial constraints, time constraints, and most probably too much unnecessary paperwork, the NHS is failing me and probably many others. I’m not about to take the entire packet of painkillers, but someone else given the opportunity could well do.
Having this rant has made me realise it may not be a good idea to do an opinion piece on the NHS, as it probably won’t be very objective.
Now I’ve added links and have friends popping over to see my postings, I have been worried about writing depressing posts, and wondered whether I should only post happy posts. However before I added the links I found writing things down really therapeutic. It gets it out of your head, and helps make you feel stronger. Having people reading my posts, has also made me focus on writing something positive in each post, which definitely helps. This is the positive bit. So I’m going to carry on being completely selfish, and honest about what’s going on for me.
The doctor checked me out, and she was quite thorough. I was very tender all over the stomach area, so she ensured me I probably wasn’t pushing my coil out, which I had done about 15 years ago, and was wondering if it might be that. I also had a temperature, and it looked like it was a bug that she had seen in about 4 people that day. I was relieved, she gave me a prescription for some pain killers that would help the pain, and help with the diarrhoea I was most likely to experience next. Sorry to be so blunt.
I have just opened the pain killers, and it’s actually made me quite angry. I have been thinking today of how I’m going to write an opinion piece, for my features unit. I had thought I would write a piece about the waiting time to see a doctor. Today was definitely a break from the norm of waiting often up to an hour, to see the doctor. When you suffer from anxiety, waiting for the doctor is not a pleasant experience, the more I wait the worse I feel, and by the time I get in there, I’m tearful and appear to be a complete wreck.
Why am I angry? I’m angry, because of the excess demands on anyone trying to provide a service, and because communication is so slack, communication that could cost lives. I opened the packet of painkillers, Co-codamol, and I’ve been given 50 of them, the packet was bulging as it was so over packed. I fanned them out and looked at them, enough to end it all. The first thought that hit me was why give me so many? Stomach bugs normally only last a few days. Did she even look at my past history?
I am angry because I’ve really needed the help from the NHS and haven’t received it. I have needed support, but they haven’t given me the support I need. I had a CPN for about a year, and because of the way I am (I can be ok one day, and then the next I’m a mess) she saw me on a couple of better days and let me go. I’m angry because at 40 with three daughters, I asked about sterilisation and was told it was unlikely they would agree because of my mental health. Just because I get a bit depressed doesn’t mean I am not absolutely sure sterilisation is right for me. But apparently I can’t make my own decisions.
I’m angry because every time I crash a bit, by the time I get to see a counsellor (normally about 2 months later), I don’t need the support as much as I did when I asked for it. And I’m angry because I took a couple of Co-codamol, which has helped with the pain, but because of their constipating affect I can’t poo. My body feels like a good poo would really sort it out.
I don’t want sympathy, I just want support. Due to financial constraints, time constraints, and most probably too much unnecessary paperwork, the NHS is failing me and probably many others. I’m not about to take the entire packet of painkillers, but someone else given the opportunity could well do.
Having this rant has made me realise it may not be a good idea to do an opinion piece on the NHS, as it probably won’t be very objective.
Now I’ve added links and have friends popping over to see my postings, I have been worried about writing depressing posts, and wondered whether I should only post happy posts. However before I added the links I found writing things down really therapeutic. It gets it out of your head, and helps make you feel stronger. Having people reading my posts, has also made me focus on writing something positive in each post, which definitely helps. This is the positive bit. So I’m going to carry on being completely selfish, and honest about what’s going on for me.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Facing demons
Yesterday was a ‘facing my demons’ sort of day. First off I went to parents evening at Meg’s school. It is always utter chaos, with the so called appointment system completely disregarded. You basically go from one queue to another. Suffering from anxiety, especially in crowds, it’s not my favourite occasion. I was there for two hours and saw 6 teachers. As I was waiting to see the last one I felt the tears coming, and managed to hold them back, and was so pleased to get out of there.
I had arranged to go down to the open mic, with some friends later in the evening, and as well as feeling drained from the parent’s evening, my stomach was in my heart, thinking about meeting ‘the woman’. My friends turned up and we had a couple of G&T’s, before going out, which did calm my nerves. Anyway I walked in and she was there wearing a little very short suit type thing. Apparently she had worked the room already. After being there for about 10 minutes she came up to me smiling saying ‘Jacqui’, in a pleased to see me sort of way. I just said ‘I don’t want to talk to you’ and walked away. I didn’t crumble, I didn’t call her a slag (although I secretly wished I had).
I really enjoyed the evening, I saw friends I hadn’t seen for ages, her presence didn’t bother me. She saw me smiling, having a good time with lots of friends around me. Helen later came up to me, and said Mel had asked her to ask me if she could talk to me. I told her to tell Mel she could fuck right off. I had been so nervous about going, and combined with people buying me drinks, I did end up a bit drunk, but I didn’t do anything to make a fool of myself.
The only problem is I know when I’m not brilliantly well, that a night drinking has a big effect on my mood the next day. Despite knowing I enjoyed myself, and I presented the image of ‘I’m not bothered’ successfully, I can’t shake the blues today. I think maybe I also did too much yesterday.
It also didn’t help that I got a summons in the post this morning. It was for Council tax on my old place back in 2004. When we sold the house I went to the council tax office, and said I wanted to pay everything I owed on that property, and they presented me with a figure that I paid. Unfortunately they did not mention this £330.00. I thought it was all square, and now when I’ve got no money left, and have no idea how I’m going to afford my extortionately high rent, they hit me with this. I am so annoyed that when I went to pay off all my arrears last year, they didn’t give me the correct figure to pay, and now I have to go and see them and make an arrangement to pay them. I’m also really pissed off as it’s my ex husbands debt as well as mine, and I know he’ll just say well I haven’t got any money if I ask him for something towards this bill.
Anyway I’m just telling myself this mood will pass, it is probably to do with drinking too much last night, and hopefully tomorrow I’ll be back to firing on all cylinders again.
I had arranged to go down to the open mic, with some friends later in the evening, and as well as feeling drained from the parent’s evening, my stomach was in my heart, thinking about meeting ‘the woman’. My friends turned up and we had a couple of G&T’s, before going out, which did calm my nerves. Anyway I walked in and she was there wearing a little very short suit type thing. Apparently she had worked the room already. After being there for about 10 minutes she came up to me smiling saying ‘Jacqui’, in a pleased to see me sort of way. I just said ‘I don’t want to talk to you’ and walked away. I didn’t crumble, I didn’t call her a slag (although I secretly wished I had).
I really enjoyed the evening, I saw friends I hadn’t seen for ages, her presence didn’t bother me. She saw me smiling, having a good time with lots of friends around me. Helen later came up to me, and said Mel had asked her to ask me if she could talk to me. I told her to tell Mel she could fuck right off. I had been so nervous about going, and combined with people buying me drinks, I did end up a bit drunk, but I didn’t do anything to make a fool of myself.
The only problem is I know when I’m not brilliantly well, that a night drinking has a big effect on my mood the next day. Despite knowing I enjoyed myself, and I presented the image of ‘I’m not bothered’ successfully, I can’t shake the blues today. I think maybe I also did too much yesterday.
It also didn’t help that I got a summons in the post this morning. It was for Council tax on my old place back in 2004. When we sold the house I went to the council tax office, and said I wanted to pay everything I owed on that property, and they presented me with a figure that I paid. Unfortunately they did not mention this £330.00. I thought it was all square, and now when I’ve got no money left, and have no idea how I’m going to afford my extortionately high rent, they hit me with this. I am so annoyed that when I went to pay off all my arrears last year, they didn’t give me the correct figure to pay, and now I have to go and see them and make an arrangement to pay them. I’m also really pissed off as it’s my ex husbands debt as well as mine, and I know he’ll just say well I haven’t got any money if I ask him for something towards this bill.
Anyway I’m just telling myself this mood will pass, it is probably to do with drinking too much last night, and hopefully tomorrow I’ll be back to firing on all cylinders again.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Vagina fact
I think I’m getting there, the past couple of days I’ve been able to focus on writing. I’ve written up my profile for features, and managed to redo my non fiction book competition sheet, in the format required (in two columns) which was actually easy. I am writing a book on medical conditions of the vaginal area, which I decided to do, as I have a friend with lichen sclerosus, and despite it being quite common it’s not well known about. In my book women with such conditions, are going to be put forward the experts, and with a mixture of information and women’s stories I hope it will be an empowering useful book.
So last night, after doing a satisfying amount of work, I started to read Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues. I had gone to see the play a couple of years ago and it was brilliant. It’s eye opening, and thought provoking. So far she’s spoken to women who have gone through cultural genital mutilation, women who have been raped. There have been some less depressing stories as well; such as an over 60’s woman’s view of her vagina, and a young woman discovering where her clitoris is. Monologues are intermingled with facts, and I had tried to remember this one since I went to see the play. At the play we all chanted this at regular occasions throughout the evening:
Vagina Fact
“The clitoris is pure in purpose. It is the only organ in the body designed purely for pleasure. The clitoris is simply a bundle of nerves: 8,000 nerve fibres, to be precise. That’s a higher concentration of nerve fibres than is found anywhere else in the body, including the fingertips, lips, and tongue, and it is twice….twice….twice…the number in the penis. Who needs a handgun, when you’ve got a semiautomatic.”
From Woman, An intimate geography, by Natalie Angier
Definitely a reason for women to celebrate.
So last night, after doing a satisfying amount of work, I started to read Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues. I had gone to see the play a couple of years ago and it was brilliant. It’s eye opening, and thought provoking. So far she’s spoken to women who have gone through cultural genital mutilation, women who have been raped. There have been some less depressing stories as well; such as an over 60’s woman’s view of her vagina, and a young woman discovering where her clitoris is. Monologues are intermingled with facts, and I had tried to remember this one since I went to see the play. At the play we all chanted this at regular occasions throughout the evening:
Vagina Fact
“The clitoris is pure in purpose. It is the only organ in the body designed purely for pleasure. The clitoris is simply a bundle of nerves: 8,000 nerve fibres, to be precise. That’s a higher concentration of nerve fibres than is found anywhere else in the body, including the fingertips, lips, and tongue, and it is twice….twice….twice…the number in the penis. Who needs a handgun, when you’ve got a semiautomatic.”
From Woman, An intimate geography, by Natalie Angier
Definitely a reason for women to celebrate.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Replacing negative with positive.
I‘ve just seen ‘the woman’ at the supermarket. I don’t know whether she saw me before, as she was making her way to the checkout. Seeing her knocked me sideways, although I knew the day would come. At first I stared at her with a definite ‘you bitch’ sort of look, and then the nerves got me and I walked up the aisle. Despite having finished my shopping, I wandered up and down the next aisle so she could pay and leave, so I wouldn’t have to see her again. I wasn’t ready for it, my heart was pounding, and I felt completely vulnerable. Why should I feel like this? I haven’t done anything wrong.
I walked out of the shop, with my shoulders back, in a confident manner just in case she was still in the car park. I got back still feeling wobbly, despite telling myself I’m strong, I’m able to not let this bring me down etc. So I decided to do something positive. A couple of weeks ago now, (after Ian had gone) I started calorie counting. Clothes that were loose on me in September were getting really tight on me. As well as being unhappy about my weight gain, it was really the fact I can’t afford to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe in a bigger size, which kick started the diet.
I’ve been spending a few minutes a day working out my calorie count for the day, so that’s what I did. I have been finding it easier as I go along to work out calories, and am getting a good idea of what to avoid. I’ve always been interested in nutrition, and I’m not cutting out any thing I need in my diet. All in all, I’m eating very healthily at the moment. After the first week I lost a lb, and at the end of this week I have lost 2. It’s coming off slowly, which is the best way I think as you have longer to establish a habit of healthy eating.
At this rate, I will be back to my happy size in time for warmer weather. Which seems a long way away; with the weather we’re having at the moment. It’s sooooo cold. Am off to snuggle under duvets.
I walked out of the shop, with my shoulders back, in a confident manner just in case she was still in the car park. I got back still feeling wobbly, despite telling myself I’m strong, I’m able to not let this bring me down etc. So I decided to do something positive. A couple of weeks ago now, (after Ian had gone) I started calorie counting. Clothes that were loose on me in September were getting really tight on me. As well as being unhappy about my weight gain, it was really the fact I can’t afford to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe in a bigger size, which kick started the diet.
I’ve been spending a few minutes a day working out my calorie count for the day, so that’s what I did. I have been finding it easier as I go along to work out calories, and am getting a good idea of what to avoid. I’ve always been interested in nutrition, and I’m not cutting out any thing I need in my diet. All in all, I’m eating very healthily at the moment. After the first week I lost a lb, and at the end of this week I have lost 2. It’s coming off slowly, which is the best way I think as you have longer to establish a habit of healthy eating.
At this rate, I will be back to my happy size in time for warmer weather. Which seems a long way away; with the weather we’re having at the moment. It’s sooooo cold. Am off to snuggle under duvets.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
mothers day
It’s Mothers day, and I was greeted this morning, with a cup of coffee, and a big wrapped up box. Megan had got me a foot spa, and Tamsin got me a book token. How mother’s days have changed. It’s getting more and more commercial, it used to be just about a card and giving your mum a lovely day. Don’t get me wrong, I love the pressies, and they made me feel special, but I also feel it’s a shame mother’s day has changed so much. It seems like its any excuse to get people to part with their money.
Thinking of my mum, I went out to find some flowers yesterday, and found the shop almost sold out, except for bunches costing £20. How can anyone justify spending £20 on flowers that are likely to be dead in a week? I was just thinking ‘Oh well I’ll go and get a card,’ when I had a brainwave, I decided to make a card.
I got back, and went over a few ideas in my head, and having settled on a card using some lovely wool I had, I got creative. I need to be creative occasionally, I don’t mean being creative with words, I mean being creative with textures and colours. I find it’s really therapeutic, and at the end you have something beautiful to look at. I was really pleased with the card, and I’m sure my Mum will appreciate it more than a bunch of flowers.
For all you Mother’s out there, have a lovely day.
P.S Megs has just talked me through putting photo's on my blog. I was wondering why my photos had dissapeared, and it was because she had used her photobucket account, and had deleted my photo's. So we set up my own photobucket account, and I'm all singing and dancing again. Check out my beady creations on my 'Good writing night' post in December 06.
P.P.S For a posting of some interesting quotes, check out my other blog Jax writers spot.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Take your Mama out all night
Last night I went out and had a brilliant night with my daughter and her mates. Megan was going on a sleepover, and I’d just had a funky haircut, so I thought I should seize the opportunity, and go out on the town. No one I knew was going out, but Tamsin said come out with me, and I was so glad I did.
We went to the Swan which had a band playing. They did covers, and did them well. They did Nirvana teen spirit, and other equally rocking tracks. The pub was filled with young people, and at first I felt a bit like the odd one out, but after a few drinks I loosened up a bit, and felt comfortable. I spoke to some of my daughter, Alices’s friends (Alice had only left a few minutes before I got there), and was made to feel very welcome by Tamsin’s friends.
I’d had a good day (mood wise), which was lucky, as I’d only been there half an hour when Ian’s brother Paul, and his girlfriend Helen (who I have known for years) came in, with Paul’s kids. I was enjoying myself, and I didn’t crumble, which I thought I would do if I saw them. In the time I was with Ian, I saw Paul’s kids a lot, and have lovely memories of time spent with them. It was great to see them. Paul and Helen also did a set, which was great. They run the Open mic night, (on a Wednesday), which I don’t get to now because of an early start on a Thursday morning, and I’ve missed their music.
Tamsin and I nattered all night, and she told me tonight how she was pissed off at her dad, because he’s abandoned his responsibilities, not so much to her as she’s older but to Megan. She realises he needed to go to India and follow his dreams, and acknowledges it’s maybe what he needed. But she is annoyed at the lack of monetary contribution he’s given, and acknowledges how much support whether it’s been financial or not, is always available from me.
She also said she understood why we split up. When her dad was around he would take his bad mood out on the nearest person, and she said how after he had gone the house was much more chilled.
She told me she’d thought she’d had a good upbringing, and how her upbringing helped her to be an independent person. It meant so much to me to hear this. Especially as with all my daughters, they saw me as a complete mess for a fair few months. And since then, they have seen me go down again and again. Tamsin is a very strong beautiful young woman and I’m so proud of her. I am so proud of all of my kids they are all very interesting individual spirits.
She also revealed how worried she was about me about a year and a half ago, she was worried I might do something stupid, such as end it all. It was good to have such a completely honest chat with her, as I was able to say, I would have never have done anything, because I knew I had my 3girls to be there for. That’s the only thing that kept me going.
Through all the years my kids have seen lots of crap, most of the time they’ve had 2 fairly unconventional parents. Their voices have always been important, to me. To be told I’ve been a good mother, when all along I’ve been thinking what a mess I’ve made of it all, was absolutely brilliant.
Tamsin is twenty in a couple of weeks, another big milestone, no longer a teenager. Her turning twenty soon has been making me feel old, however sitting, chatting, and laughing with a group of her friends in the pub, made me feel quite young. I didn’t feel out of place at all. I was reminded again of my age, when I was introduced to lads, (or rather men), I remember as little ones playing outside in the cul de sac we used to live in. It was a most enjoyable and enlightening evening.
We went to the Swan which had a band playing. They did covers, and did them well. They did Nirvana teen spirit, and other equally rocking tracks. The pub was filled with young people, and at first I felt a bit like the odd one out, but after a few drinks I loosened up a bit, and felt comfortable. I spoke to some of my daughter, Alices’s friends (Alice had only left a few minutes before I got there), and was made to feel very welcome by Tamsin’s friends.
I’d had a good day (mood wise), which was lucky, as I’d only been there half an hour when Ian’s brother Paul, and his girlfriend Helen (who I have known for years) came in, with Paul’s kids. I was enjoying myself, and I didn’t crumble, which I thought I would do if I saw them. In the time I was with Ian, I saw Paul’s kids a lot, and have lovely memories of time spent with them. It was great to see them. Paul and Helen also did a set, which was great. They run the Open mic night, (on a Wednesday), which I don’t get to now because of an early start on a Thursday morning, and I’ve missed their music.
Tamsin and I nattered all night, and she told me tonight how she was pissed off at her dad, because he’s abandoned his responsibilities, not so much to her as she’s older but to Megan. She realises he needed to go to India and follow his dreams, and acknowledges it’s maybe what he needed. But she is annoyed at the lack of monetary contribution he’s given, and acknowledges how much support whether it’s been financial or not, is always available from me.
She also said she understood why we split up. When her dad was around he would take his bad mood out on the nearest person, and she said how after he had gone the house was much more chilled.
She told me she’d thought she’d had a good upbringing, and how her upbringing helped her to be an independent person. It meant so much to me to hear this. Especially as with all my daughters, they saw me as a complete mess for a fair few months. And since then, they have seen me go down again and again. Tamsin is a very strong beautiful young woman and I’m so proud of her. I am so proud of all of my kids they are all very interesting individual spirits.
She also revealed how worried she was about me about a year and a half ago, she was worried I might do something stupid, such as end it all. It was good to have such a completely honest chat with her, as I was able to say, I would have never have done anything, because I knew I had my 3girls to be there for. That’s the only thing that kept me going.
Through all the years my kids have seen lots of crap, most of the time they’ve had 2 fairly unconventional parents. Their voices have always been important, to me. To be told I’ve been a good mother, when all along I’ve been thinking what a mess I’ve made of it all, was absolutely brilliant.
Tamsin is twenty in a couple of weeks, another big milestone, no longer a teenager. Her turning twenty soon has been making me feel old, however sitting, chatting, and laughing with a group of her friends in the pub, made me feel quite young. I didn’t feel out of place at all. I was reminded again of my age, when I was introduced to lads, (or rather men), I remember as little ones playing outside in the cul de sac we used to live in. It was a most enjoyable and enlightening evening.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Sometimes you don't have to wait till tomorrow to feel better
I have stayed on blogger since my last posting, as I decided to read around a few more friend’s blogs. They’ve all got links to other sites, and I had been too cowardly earlier to change my template, in order to add links. But thinking I needed to learn not to be so scared of technology, I took the plunge. It was easy, and it looks exactly the same, which I’m pleased with. I was worried they wouldn't have a template I liked. I then went to add links, and added 4 links, only one of which worked. I had been guessing the url based on the names of the blogs.
So I thought that’s ok, I can email and ask for the url’s, and carried on looking around. Then (light bulb moment), I realised the addresses were displayed on the toolbar. How stupid am I? So I did it, I added links to blogs, and when my website is live in a couple of weeks I can add that too. It’s all exciting stuff.
Only trouble is now I don’t feel like I can sleep, I’m too tired to try and focus on some work. I could read my book, which unusually, I’m taking a long time to get through. Or I could find something worth watching on the television. But I think I’m going to read some more blogs.
So I thought that’s ok, I can email and ask for the url’s, and carried on looking around. Then (light bulb moment), I realised the addresses were displayed on the toolbar. How stupid am I? So I did it, I added links to blogs, and when my website is live in a couple of weeks I can add that too. It’s all exciting stuff.
Only trouble is now I don’t feel like I can sleep, I’m too tired to try and focus on some work. I could read my book, which unusually, I’m taking a long time to get through. Or I could find something worth watching on the television. But I think I’m going to read some more blogs.
Tomorrow's another day
Well it’s certainly been a week of ups and downs. Some days I’ve felt almost positive, that I’m getting there, that things are achievable. And other days, I’ve been in trying to hold back the tears mode, with everything in my life seeming completely hopeless and unmanageable.
Tuesday, for example, I was fine. I joined in, in the features class, and got good feedback for my piece. Soon after getting home, I emailed my first pitch to write an article for a magazine. Yet it was a wobbly Wednesday, and today I’ve just about managed to muddle through.
I cheered myself up for a bit this afternoon, by checking up on my friend’s blogs, which are all really good. I read three accounts, of last Friday night, when a group of fellow students were roughly manhandled out of a night club, because one of them nodded off. Not because they were dancing on the tables, or involved in a fight, but because my friend put her head down on a sofa. I’ve seen the bruises on my friends arm.
I’ve now broken up for the Easter break, which isn’t a break due to the mountains of work to do. So I intend to check out the blogs more often, and keep in contact with everyone. Anyway, I’m feeling pretty brain dead now. Tomorrow’s another day, I’ll let you know where it takes me.
Tuesday, for example, I was fine. I joined in, in the features class, and got good feedback for my piece. Soon after getting home, I emailed my first pitch to write an article for a magazine. Yet it was a wobbly Wednesday, and today I’ve just about managed to muddle through.
I cheered myself up for a bit this afternoon, by checking up on my friend’s blogs, which are all really good. I read three accounts, of last Friday night, when a group of fellow students were roughly manhandled out of a night club, because one of them nodded off. Not because they were dancing on the tables, or involved in a fight, but because my friend put her head down on a sofa. I’ve seen the bruises on my friends arm.
I’ve now broken up for the Easter break, which isn’t a break due to the mountains of work to do. So I intend to check out the blogs more often, and keep in contact with everyone. Anyway, I’m feeling pretty brain dead now. Tomorrow’s another day, I’ll let you know where it takes me.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Friends are brilliant
Friday was a good day and a bad day. It started off as a bad day. Feeling very wobbly I set off for Uni. I was expecting a ten minute tutorial with the MA Unit lecturer, and ended up sat with everyone at a reading group. Tutorials were happening in the corner of the room, and running really late. Still feeling really fragile, I was consciously guarding myself against a sudden exposure of my emotions, (I know that worrying about losing control of my emotions in front of people, is destructive, and fuels anxiety, but I’m still not convinced that it’s not justified. I wouldn’t want anyone to see me as a gibbering wreck).
However I felt really comfortable being around friends, and really enjoyed reading extracts of their writing. People came in and out, and there were never too many people at a time, which felt really manageable. I’m not doing fiction, and all the work I read was 1st draft extracts of future novels. They all made me want to read on. When I first went in they had a copy of Vitality Matters, a free Cornish magazine on health and wellbeing, and I had an article in there. I’d written it before Christmas and was waiting for it to be put in. Fi another friend on the course also had an article in there, so it was a double celebration.
After talking through my MA proposal, I went to the course meeting, and then had a coffee with Christina, the course leader, to talk over my wobbles. Although feeling really fragile, as I talked I realised, I’ve only missed 1 ½ lectures, and kept up with all the work apart from one piece, and I’d done this whilst dealing with a bad patch. I left about three, still not registering what good the day had done me, as all day the main thing on my mind was the evening.
I’d arranged to go out and see a friend, Cyrus, doing his first gig at a local wine bar. I’d suggested it to some of my best mates and they were up for coming along. However the thought I couldn’t get rid of, was that I might see ‘the woman’. Her brother works at the bar, and as she has babysitter’s every weekend, so she could be there. Worries plagued my head. How would I cope if I saw her? Would the tears come? Would I lose control of my emotions? Would I have to leave? Would it ruin the evening?
I wanted to go out in town not only to see my friend playing, but also because I wanted to show all the people, who would have heard all the gossip, that I’m alright and strong (even if it wasn’t exactly true). I was also in danger of becoming agoraphobic when it comes to socialising, and needed to break that pattern.
I made an effort, put on some make up (I only wear make up on nights out), and picked out a nice top to wear instead of just a T shirt. Dee arrived with her boyfriend and cousin, and we had a quick glass of wine, and made our way down. As I walked in, Rach and Teresa had just got there, and there was no sign of ‘the woman’. After about half an hour I was having a lovely time, catching up with my friends. Cyrus played a variety of songs to suit all tastes, and the bar was soon buzzing, and singing along.
‘The woman’ did not come in all night, and even if she had, I felt I would probably deal with it fine. With my friends around me I felt stronger. Teresa said to me she thought doing this course, and being so motivated, (I had turned down some wild parties due to writing), showed I had a lot of strength. Thinking about the day, and coming out in the evening, I accepted I had.
The evening out really helped my confidence. I got merry, but not drunk, and I was home by 12.30 and was asleep by 1.00. Yesterday I had quite a productive day and didn’t wobble, although I still thought a lot. I always have to take one day at a time when I’m like this, but hopefully I’m on the up again. We’ll see.
However I felt really comfortable being around friends, and really enjoyed reading extracts of their writing. People came in and out, and there were never too many people at a time, which felt really manageable. I’m not doing fiction, and all the work I read was 1st draft extracts of future novels. They all made me want to read on. When I first went in they had a copy of Vitality Matters, a free Cornish magazine on health and wellbeing, and I had an article in there. I’d written it before Christmas and was waiting for it to be put in. Fi another friend on the course also had an article in there, so it was a double celebration.
After talking through my MA proposal, I went to the course meeting, and then had a coffee with Christina, the course leader, to talk over my wobbles. Although feeling really fragile, as I talked I realised, I’ve only missed 1 ½ lectures, and kept up with all the work apart from one piece, and I’d done this whilst dealing with a bad patch. I left about three, still not registering what good the day had done me, as all day the main thing on my mind was the evening.
I’d arranged to go out and see a friend, Cyrus, doing his first gig at a local wine bar. I’d suggested it to some of my best mates and they were up for coming along. However the thought I couldn’t get rid of, was that I might see ‘the woman’. Her brother works at the bar, and as she has babysitter’s every weekend, so she could be there. Worries plagued my head. How would I cope if I saw her? Would the tears come? Would I lose control of my emotions? Would I have to leave? Would it ruin the evening?
I wanted to go out in town not only to see my friend playing, but also because I wanted to show all the people, who would have heard all the gossip, that I’m alright and strong (even if it wasn’t exactly true). I was also in danger of becoming agoraphobic when it comes to socialising, and needed to break that pattern.
I made an effort, put on some make up (I only wear make up on nights out), and picked out a nice top to wear instead of just a T shirt. Dee arrived with her boyfriend and cousin, and we had a quick glass of wine, and made our way down. As I walked in, Rach and Teresa had just got there, and there was no sign of ‘the woman’. After about half an hour I was having a lovely time, catching up with my friends. Cyrus played a variety of songs to suit all tastes, and the bar was soon buzzing, and singing along.
‘The woman’ did not come in all night, and even if she had, I felt I would probably deal with it fine. With my friends around me I felt stronger. Teresa said to me she thought doing this course, and being so motivated, (I had turned down some wild parties due to writing), showed I had a lot of strength. Thinking about the day, and coming out in the evening, I accepted I had.
The evening out really helped my confidence. I got merry, but not drunk, and I was home by 12.30 and was asleep by 1.00. Yesterday I had quite a productive day and didn’t wobble, although I still thought a lot. I always have to take one day at a time when I’m like this, but hopefully I’m on the up again. We’ll see.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Prisoner
I feel like a prisoner in my own house (or rather small flat). I didn’t go out last night, I didn’t want to see ‘the woman’. I knew I could easily lose control (in a wimpish crying sort of way, as opposed to an aggressive sort of way), if I saw her. I don’t want to go out anywhere really, just in case I bump into her, or anyone of my ex boyfriends family. I don’t want them to see the tears, that will come if I see any of them.
I feel trapped, not only in my home, but in this low emotional state. I’m getting on with writing thou, I am determined that this low mood won’t jeopardise my course. Luckily the feature I have to write for next week, is on Ginger, and as alternative remedies and health is an area I have a lot of knowledge about, this won’t be too difficult.
I feel trapped, not only in my home, but in this low emotional state. I’m getting on with writing thou, I am determined that this low mood won’t jeopardise my course. Luckily the feature I have to write for next week, is on Ginger, and as alternative remedies and health is an area I have a lot of knowledge about, this won’t be too difficult.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Fragile
Just when I think I’m doing ok, something happens which brings home how fragile I am at the moment.
To start with my friend is very low, and after a bump in her car it needs to go into the garage. Living in rural Cornwall, being without transport is a diaster. She was able to get a courtesy car but had to pick it up from about 6 miles away, and as it is a car she’s never driven before, she doesn’t think she can do it. She has always had panics about driving, unless it’s in her own familiar car, along roads she know’s. I completely feel for her, and can understand her phobia, because of my own experience of panic. I really wanted to help, and suggested sitting in the car with her while she drove back and got used to the car.
Then I got to thinking, how would we get there?, when can I fit it in?, If I took my car how would I get back to pick it up?, and I felt panicked. I wanted to help a really good friend out, but I wasn’t sure if I could. I will do whatever I can to help.
Then I got a phonecall from another friend to tell me the latest. Apparantly the woman who my now ex boyfriend woke up with the other night, wants to talk to me. I’ve known her for years, she was a friend of a friend and came round my house a few times. I visited her a few years back. Since then whenever we have seen each other we’ve had a bit of a natter, but never kept in touch unless we’ve bumped into each other.
When I was told she wanted to talk to me, I felt the anger raging inside me. If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know it’s only recently since I’ve accepted there is a lot of anger within me, which is a change from my normal characteristic trait of being a walkover. I have always taken on board, too much of other people’s perception of life, at the expense of my own. So I end up being a walkover. But no more. Now I’m told the woman who flirted with, and invited my man back to her place, wants to talk to me. What do I do? Do I see the situation from her perspective, as I have done before. I can envisage whats she’s going to say, maybe she’ll tell me she thought he was single, I don’t think so because they talked about me on the night. Even if she did think he was single, she still has, or had a boyfriend at the time.
I’ve just this minute found out, that she is going out tonight. I want to go out but I really don’t know how I am going to cope seeing her. I’ll probably not be able to stop the tears. I know there will be friends there, that will be there for me and support me. I want to go out, but I am afraid I will lose it, in public. I live in a small town and losing control in front of people of the town, will have detrimental effects. I realise how fragile I am. Should I go out? Or should I not? I will let you know what I do.
To start with my friend is very low, and after a bump in her car it needs to go into the garage. Living in rural Cornwall, being without transport is a diaster. She was able to get a courtesy car but had to pick it up from about 6 miles away, and as it is a car she’s never driven before, she doesn’t think she can do it. She has always had panics about driving, unless it’s in her own familiar car, along roads she know’s. I completely feel for her, and can understand her phobia, because of my own experience of panic. I really wanted to help, and suggested sitting in the car with her while she drove back and got used to the car.
Then I got to thinking, how would we get there?, when can I fit it in?, If I took my car how would I get back to pick it up?, and I felt panicked. I wanted to help a really good friend out, but I wasn’t sure if I could. I will do whatever I can to help.
Then I got a phonecall from another friend to tell me the latest. Apparantly the woman who my now ex boyfriend woke up with the other night, wants to talk to me. I’ve known her for years, she was a friend of a friend and came round my house a few times. I visited her a few years back. Since then whenever we have seen each other we’ve had a bit of a natter, but never kept in touch unless we’ve bumped into each other.
When I was told she wanted to talk to me, I felt the anger raging inside me. If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know it’s only recently since I’ve accepted there is a lot of anger within me, which is a change from my normal characteristic trait of being a walkover. I have always taken on board, too much of other people’s perception of life, at the expense of my own. So I end up being a walkover. But no more. Now I’m told the woman who flirted with, and invited my man back to her place, wants to talk to me. What do I do? Do I see the situation from her perspective, as I have done before. I can envisage whats she’s going to say, maybe she’ll tell me she thought he was single, I don’t think so because they talked about me on the night. Even if she did think he was single, she still has, or had a boyfriend at the time.
I’ve just this minute found out, that she is going out tonight. I want to go out but I really don’t know how I am going to cope seeing her. I’ll probably not be able to stop the tears. I know there will be friends there, that will be there for me and support me. I want to go out, but I am afraid I will lose it, in public. I live in a small town and losing control in front of people of the town, will have detrimental effects. I realise how fragile I am. Should I go out? Or should I not? I will let you know what I do.
Not going down
As often happens when I get low I find something to help me through it. This time I’ve been drawn to music, and have started to do a new tape collection for the car. By managing to do the tapes it illustrates how I can do things, and shows how I’m not completely incapable.
I’ve also decided to get fit and lose some weight, as another thing getting me down is that I’ve put on almost a stone since starting the course. I am not going to go out and buy new clothes, as all my clothes are tight on me, I am going to lose the weight. When I was at University the last time, I went up to size16 from a 12 over the four years, and after leaving lost 3 ½ stone with calorie counting. For the past few days I have been calorie counting, and aim to keep it going. For some more tips I brought myself a health magazine, and looking through it I came across a few one line bits of news, and links, which I can find out more about and produce features about.
I haven’t been able to focus or concentrate on doing work for a few days, although I have managed to keep up the rest of the time. Now I feel like I can get back into it again. I know I’m not in a good way still, but I still think I can do this course. I know I need to take one day at a time, and not beat myself up if I can’t keep up one day.
I know this depressive interlude is not all to do with the break up with my boyfriend last week, as I was going down before that. However that incident kind of tipped me over the edge last week. I am not going to let a man knock me sideways. I am going to come back fighting.
Even though I do have periods of debilitating depression and feel weak and useless, I know am a strong person. Also I’ve been through periods of depression enough, to know I will come out of it.
I’ve also decided to get fit and lose some weight, as another thing getting me down is that I’ve put on almost a stone since starting the course. I am not going to go out and buy new clothes, as all my clothes are tight on me, I am going to lose the weight. When I was at University the last time, I went up to size16 from a 12 over the four years, and after leaving lost 3 ½ stone with calorie counting. For the past few days I have been calorie counting, and aim to keep it going. For some more tips I brought myself a health magazine, and looking through it I came across a few one line bits of news, and links, which I can find out more about and produce features about.
I haven’t been able to focus or concentrate on doing work for a few days, although I have managed to keep up the rest of the time. Now I feel like I can get back into it again. I know I’m not in a good way still, but I still think I can do this course. I know I need to take one day at a time, and not beat myself up if I can’t keep up one day.
I know this depressive interlude is not all to do with the break up with my boyfriend last week, as I was going down before that. However that incident kind of tipped me over the edge last week. I am not going to let a man knock me sideways. I am going to come back fighting.
Even though I do have periods of debilitating depression and feel weak and useless, I know am a strong person. Also I’ve been through periods of depression enough, to know I will come out of it.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Wallowing
What is it with, when you get so low, you wallow in it. Last time, I broke down so much I couldn’t function, one thing I was able to do was read, yet I couldn’t concentrate on any television programe. Despite not being able to cook a meal, or deal with opening any post, I had the concentration to read which amazes me, and I’m still not sure why. It was actually a long time ago since shutting down last (1 ½ years), and although I’m getting close to that again, I’m determined not to go there again.
At that time, I wallowed in my depression, and being able to read, I escaped within it. I read Lucky and Lovely Bones by Alice Seebold, The Bell jar by Slyvia Plath ( who committed suicide 2 weeks after this book was published), Veronica decides to die by Paulo Coehlo, and Prozac nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel. I was not able to do anything else, but I read 2 or 3 books a week and still remember all the stories vividly.
As well as these very depressing books, I read Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath, Huxley’s Island, Memoirs of a Geisha, Orwell’s The road to Wigan pier, and about 5 of Paulo Coehlo stories (he’s a great story teller). Books helped me through that period, and I feel like I might be going there again, but this time I’m wallowing in music.
I have lots of angry male music, 3colours red, Rage against the machine, etc, but this morning I woke up thinking, I needed some good angry woman’s vocals, and I didn’t mean Alanis Morrisette. I had listened to Gossip’s single ‘Standing in the way of control’ a few times in the car, on the radio, and after seeing the lead singer doing Temptation with Jarvis Cocker, on the NME music awards last night, I was even more convinced of her passion for music and her talent. So I went out and brought the album. I’ve got it on repeat, while I’m writing ths blog, and it’s brilliant. She’s so refreshing, she tells it as it is, she’s not a skinny, trying to be sex symbol, like a lot of the girl singers, out there now. On the cd cover she’s wearing a sexy dress, she is a sexy woman, and she hasn’t shaved her underarms, which is great. Why the fuck should we! I’ve always felt this and while in a realtionship for 21 years, I was happy to be me and not shave, since being a single woman out there, the pressure to shave bits and bobs is more in my face. Anyway listen to Gossip I think they are great.
Going back to wallowing, instead of reading this time round, I’ve been listening to music fitting my mood. I’ve been listening to Obediant Bone, which is a Devon band I think, and I’m looking forward to seing them again soon. The other side of the tape I’ve done for the car, is Lamb, Between darkness and wonder. One song (track 5) I have listened to again and again, it goes like this:
Whats left to say, with all thats come and gone
Words get in the way, and any way, the devils got your tongue
And the storm brews inside
And there’s nowhere to hide
It’s gonna blow your cover sky high (I worry bout this happening at Uni)
If you let this thing go, It’s gonna burn, it’s gonna burn
You’re going to take the whole world with you, when you go
Burn Burn Burn
What you going to do when the storm takes over
Oh oh oh
What you going to do when the storm takes over
So here you are
Demon’s screaming in your head, You try to shut them out
But they just get louder, instead
And nothing you do, can seem to break through
This darkness smothering you
When it takes hold, and your heart turns cold
Your very soul seeps out of you.
Burn Burn Burn
What you going to do when the storm takes over, takes over you
Oh oh oh
Can you hold this thing?
Can you hold this thing?
Till the clouds clear
Without the powerful music behind it, it’s probably not so easy to imagine how the song goes. This is probably one of the best lyrics describing depression that I’ve heard, the music compliments the words completely. Why do I wallow and find myself leaning towards words expressing how I feel? Does it help? Probably not.
At that time, I wallowed in my depression, and being able to read, I escaped within it. I read Lucky and Lovely Bones by Alice Seebold, The Bell jar by Slyvia Plath ( who committed suicide 2 weeks after this book was published), Veronica decides to die by Paulo Coehlo, and Prozac nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel. I was not able to do anything else, but I read 2 or 3 books a week and still remember all the stories vividly.
As well as these very depressing books, I read Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath, Huxley’s Island, Memoirs of a Geisha, Orwell’s The road to Wigan pier, and about 5 of Paulo Coehlo stories (he’s a great story teller). Books helped me through that period, and I feel like I might be going there again, but this time I’m wallowing in music.
I have lots of angry male music, 3colours red, Rage against the machine, etc, but this morning I woke up thinking, I needed some good angry woman’s vocals, and I didn’t mean Alanis Morrisette. I had listened to Gossip’s single ‘Standing in the way of control’ a few times in the car, on the radio, and after seeing the lead singer doing Temptation with Jarvis Cocker, on the NME music awards last night, I was even more convinced of her passion for music and her talent. So I went out and brought the album. I’ve got it on repeat, while I’m writing ths blog, and it’s brilliant. She’s so refreshing, she tells it as it is, she’s not a skinny, trying to be sex symbol, like a lot of the girl singers, out there now. On the cd cover she’s wearing a sexy dress, she is a sexy woman, and she hasn’t shaved her underarms, which is great. Why the fuck should we! I’ve always felt this and while in a realtionship for 21 years, I was happy to be me and not shave, since being a single woman out there, the pressure to shave bits and bobs is more in my face. Anyway listen to Gossip I think they are great.
Going back to wallowing, instead of reading this time round, I’ve been listening to music fitting my mood. I’ve been listening to Obediant Bone, which is a Devon band I think, and I’m looking forward to seing them again soon. The other side of the tape I’ve done for the car, is Lamb, Between darkness and wonder. One song (track 5) I have listened to again and again, it goes like this:
Whats left to say, with all thats come and gone
Words get in the way, and any way, the devils got your tongue
And the storm brews inside
And there’s nowhere to hide
It’s gonna blow your cover sky high (I worry bout this happening at Uni)
If you let this thing go, It’s gonna burn, it’s gonna burn
You’re going to take the whole world with you, when you go
Burn Burn Burn
What you going to do when the storm takes over
Oh oh oh
What you going to do when the storm takes over
So here you are
Demon’s screaming in your head, You try to shut them out
But they just get louder, instead
And nothing you do, can seem to break through
This darkness smothering you
When it takes hold, and your heart turns cold
Your very soul seeps out of you.
Burn Burn Burn
What you going to do when the storm takes over, takes over you
Oh oh oh
Can you hold this thing?
Can you hold this thing?
Till the clouds clear
Without the powerful music behind it, it’s probably not so easy to imagine how the song goes. This is probably one of the best lyrics describing depression that I’ve heard, the music compliments the words completely. Why do I wallow and find myself leaning towards words expressing how I feel? Does it help? Probably not.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Clearing out the clutter.
Well he’s gone. If you read my last post you’ll know that Ian (my now ex boyfriend), stayed out all Sunday night. He came back at about two in the afternoon caked in mud, saying he had woken up in a field. Last night however he went to the local open mic night, and a girl I am friendly with (Mel) had been telling everyone, Ian spent the weekend with her. I was at home last night, in bed, as I had to be up at 6.30.
Anyway Mel was at the open mic night, and asked if Ian wanted to walk back with her, and then my friend punched her and split her lip, she doesn’t normally do this sort of thing. Ian had forgotten his keys, so at 2.30 am I had to answer the door to him, and he told me about the fight, and what people had been saying about him.
Damage control, I would imagine, as we live in a small town. It finally came out that he had woken up in Mel’s bed on Monday morning, and then gone walking in fields. He says he doesn’t remember if anything happened, but he did stay there, and that’s enough for me to call it a day. So this morning he packed his bags and went. Funnily enough it was only a couple of weeks and we would have been together a year.
So onwards and upwards I go, now without another kid to look after. It’s weird though, yesterday I was feeling so depressed I could hardly manage to cook a meal, and today although I feel angry, I feel quite strong. It was definitely time to clear out the clutter from my life.
Anyway Mel was at the open mic night, and asked if Ian wanted to walk back with her, and then my friend punched her and split her lip, she doesn’t normally do this sort of thing. Ian had forgotten his keys, so at 2.30 am I had to answer the door to him, and he told me about the fight, and what people had been saying about him.
Damage control, I would imagine, as we live in a small town. It finally came out that he had woken up in Mel’s bed on Monday morning, and then gone walking in fields. He says he doesn’t remember if anything happened, but he did stay there, and that’s enough for me to call it a day. So this morning he packed his bags and went. Funnily enough it was only a couple of weeks and we would have been together a year.
So onwards and upwards I go, now without another kid to look after. It’s weird though, yesterday I was feeling so depressed I could hardly manage to cook a meal, and today although I feel angry, I feel quite strong. It was definitely time to clear out the clutter from my life.
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