Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Well here comes that empty feeling.

Well here comes that empty feeling, but I’m fighting it. I’ve been waking up feeling panicky, which I didn’t do with the deadlines looming, and the silliest little things have started me blubbering. I’ve been feeling like this for a few days and I am determined to do something about it. I know I need routine and structure and the course provided that for me.

As a writer I need to be self motivated/disciplined, and today I’ve made a start on an article for Jax Writers Spot. I haven’t done brilliantly well with it, as my mood has affected my ability to concentrate, but I’m not beating myself up and I know the more I do the better I will feel. I have tomorrow booked out to finish it and post it, which is very achievable.

It’s funny though, as soon as I finish the course I seem to be really busy. I had the estate agents around today with clients to view the flat (my landlords are selling, with me still as a tenant). The housing benefit people are coming round tomorrow. I’m meeting up with a friend for lunch, and meeting up with some friends for a drink at five on Thursday, as well as driving my daughter Alice, to and from work. And on Friday I have to drop the car for its M.O.T and have my haircut.

It’s great to be able to have the freedom to catch up with friends on Thursday, as well as getting out at night time. I went out and saw a band on Saturday, as well as going out on Wednesday. Unfortunately free time, without having a purpose in life, doesn’t do me any good. The thoughts are telling me I’m never going to have the courage to achieve anything, I’m not going to be able to sell myself, so even if I can write I’ll never be one of the lucky ones to make a living out of it.

But I am fighting back, by challenging these thoughts, telling myself I’m just as able to earn a living out of writing, as many journalists/writers out there. I’ve been writing articles, stories, mini magazines, since I could write. I even wrote a play, which was put on as a show when I was in the Brownies. Before I started the course (while I was thinking about it) I watched an interview with an author who said:

“It takes courage and positivity to believe that what you may have to say will be of interest to people and then give up years to work on that.”

Unfortunately I didn’t get the authors name, but it doesn’t matter, because it was the message that was important. It may take years, but in the meantime I’m going to build up a portfolio, get my name out there, and the more I write the more I will have confidence in my abilities and be able to sell myself.

I’ve just taken a break and went for a walk, the sun was setting so it was perfect timing. I did have an ulterior motive; I decided to buy myself a bottle of wine. I have been inclined to do this more since finishing my course, most probably because of the empty feeling, but it has to stop as I can’t afford it. Although I walked up a main road out of town, there were fields either side of me, the sounds I could hear apart from cars passing by were sheep and cows, and the banks around the supermarket were filled with wild flowers. I thought I could just spend my days walking in the countryside, but then what would I have achieve.

On the way back I saw an old boyfriend pass by in his car. We went out when I was fifteen, and we shared our first experience of passion together. I remember we used to play about with each other in the lane outside my home. When I was raped in the same year, I remember having to tell the police about any previous sexual experiences, and this was the closest I had got. I remember my parents at the time coming across as very disappointed with me, but they didn’t say anything else about it, after all I had just been raped.

In fact nothing was ever said again. It was never mentioned, this was the way they thought was best to deal with what had happened. I’m forty one now; that was in the past, and it does not affect my future (although it did till a few years ago). Seeing him pass in the car made me smile, as I remembered the good times we’d shared. He’s a very gentle caring bloke, and I would like to think he found a wonderful woman to spend his time with; however I have seen him a few times over the past few years, and I think he’s still single, and struggling to keep the family business of farming going.

Good memories have cheered me up, and made me realise my life isn’t so useless. Enough said.

1 comment:

emapple said...

Hey - just because you've deferred the course doesn't mean you've left Falmouth. We all expect to see you regularly. Or else.

Seriously, be really good to meet up and socialise. Maybe we could fill a couple of cars and come and visit you for a change?