I went out the other night and I had great friends around me, but I felt so alone. It was a fancy dress night for a friend’s birthday and I went as a tree, I had brought a dress which was too short, and I ended up sewing loads of leaves onto it for a festival fancy dress night in the summer, so I thought I’d wear it again (you can see a photo of my tree outfit on my ‘my space’ link on the right). I had a fair few drinks but it didn’t loosen me up. Even though the people around me included me so much, and I chatted with loads of people I felt so alone. The night illustrates where my head has been at for some time.
I’ve wanted to post a blog before, but I haven’t had much positive to say, I’ve not been in a good frame of mind for many weeks. I worry that maybe prospective publishers will read my ‘planet ug’ blog and think I might not manage to keep up and deliver. However suffering from depression doesn’t mean I can’t be a valuable member of society and deliver work when I need too. Truth is I do keep up and deliver. Even though I’ve been feeling life is hopeless, not worth the effort, and if it wasn’t for my kids and the fact I’m a coward (in that way) I could have given up, I have kept writing. I have done a lot of writing the past few weeks helping a friend with a media project, and I’ve delivered. I’ve made contacts for future articles, and I’ve carried on posting an article a week on my ‘Jax writers spot’ blog. Writing is in my blood and I believe I am good at it.
I wanted to be a journalist when I was at school, which an old friend of mine reminded me of the other day, and I didn’t follow it because I didn’t believe in myself, I didn’t believe I could do it. I was steered by my parents and careers advisors (of which I was one for many years) to go towards a less ambitious caring type of job. As much as I love my Mum and Dad, when I suggested I wanted to do an Open University degree at 20something, my Mum said she didn’t think I was clever enough, so instead I did some GCSE’s. 10 years later I went to University and got a first. I know I can do it. I got a first because I am a good researcher, I can tune in with what people want me to produce, and I am motivated and interested in what I’m researching, which enables me to produce the goods. Put your trust in me and I will deliver.
I’ve wanted to post a blog before, but I haven’t had much positive to say, I’ve not been in a good frame of mind for many weeks. I worry that maybe prospective publishers will read my ‘planet ug’ blog and think I might not manage to keep up and deliver. However suffering from depression doesn’t mean I can’t be a valuable member of society and deliver work when I need too. Truth is I do keep up and deliver. Even though I’ve been feeling life is hopeless, not worth the effort, and if it wasn’t for my kids and the fact I’m a coward (in that way) I could have given up, I have kept writing. I have done a lot of writing the past few weeks helping a friend with a media project, and I’ve delivered. I’ve made contacts for future articles, and I’ve carried on posting an article a week on my ‘Jax writers spot’ blog. Writing is in my blood and I believe I am good at it.
I wanted to be a journalist when I was at school, which an old friend of mine reminded me of the other day, and I didn’t follow it because I didn’t believe in myself, I didn’t believe I could do it. I was steered by my parents and careers advisors (of which I was one for many years) to go towards a less ambitious caring type of job. As much as I love my Mum and Dad, when I suggested I wanted to do an Open University degree at 20something, my Mum said she didn’t think I was clever enough, so instead I did some GCSE’s. 10 years later I went to University and got a first. I know I can do it. I got a first because I am a good researcher, I can tune in with what people want me to produce, and I am motivated and interested in what I’m researching, which enables me to produce the goods. Put your trust in me and I will deliver.
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