Emotional wrecking

Things were going well: G was managing to moderate most of the time. He had a blip on Sunday & then after I finished work today he has been completely overtaken by anger. Anger about everything: the world, angry with our dog, & very angry with me. We were just watching a programme just now & then he turned again. I've been shouted at for 3 quarters of an hour. I couldn't take it anymore & have come up to bed. Luckily he's now gone quiet. Phew. He is practising emotional wrecking. 

Health challenges

It's been a long time since I last posted. I went for a MOT at the doctors after getting chest pains & breathlessness. Ended up having a CT scan of heart and it was discovered one of my arteries was almost completely blocked. A few weeks later, a stay in hospital & surgery to have a stent fitted to clear the blockage, I am feeling fine. I am now really changing my diet, cutting back on fat &  salt, & switching to wholemeal bread etc. It's just as well I don't drink anymore.

Since I've stopped drinking G has been pacing himself more, setting himself daily limits. He has had the occasional night where he's hit the fuck it button but they have been fewer. That is until last night He was not overly drunk but he was very angry & blew up into a rage shouting at me for about 40 minutes. The thing I don't get is after he does this, I am an emotional mess but he just brushed it off & pretended  nothing has happened. It takes me ages to recover such a verbal attack. He says such hurtful horrible things & it takes a while to recover from that. I can't just smile & let it go like he does.it

I got myself a new diary this year: A year of inspiration for The mind, body & spirit. January's theme is calm. While he was shouting at me I just kept telling myself: Calm Calm. It's difficult to stay calm when living with a very hyper often angry person. 

However most of the time it's getting better. Have to look for the positives.

The cost of alcohol

 This is a quick post as G is out shopping. I have a sober journal & as well as recording my sober journey I'm adding up what G spends on cider. I've been sober for 2 months and a week now.  From pay pay to payday the first month I did this he spent £274.65 & £305.48 the next. We are really struggling to have enough money for food for the month. Some months direct debits are bouncing. I have not got enough money to be able to buy Chritmas presents and will be doing this on accounts, but he has to get the cider as he is physically addicted & just stopping will cause detox symptoms such as hallucinations & delusions I could not cope with at home.

When I told him how much it added up to be said he will half the cost this month. Last Friday he did not go to supermarket to get weekend supply & went & got one bottle (6 pints) from our local store to limit himself. On the Saturday he then limited himself to one an hour to make his set limit last the day. Then on payday he had one day not limiting & having a bit of a binge but was back to being careful the next day. I will report back if he manages to half his bill. 

The cycle continues

It's just a quick post as G has fallen asleep & I've got peace for a while & I'm taking the opportunity to read a great book I've got on the go. I wanted to check on here to see when G was last ill and it was only a couple of weeks ago. The cycle continues. It's been a really  shitty weekend: G is on a binge. He started to feel ill Friday morning and was sick, & then carried on drinking & has not stopped since then. Today he was really sick again & this afternoon had about 4 blackouts when he goes over. It's very likely he will be really ill again next week.  I've been on high alert and so has our dog. I went out for a walk in the hope he would fall asleep & he has. It's not fun I'm constantly in a bad mood because my tolerance to him being drunk is low. Yesterday he was not remembering what he did a few minutes earlier. I had to explain everything that's happened,  everything I was doing & why. It's so tiring. So now I'm going to enjoy a bit of peace & read a good book. X

Disappointed again.

I felt bitterly disappointed last night. Can you guess why? G has been really ill this  last week, which happens when he drinks too much over a few weeks. He could hardly move. He was so weak. He was up in the night every night with stomach pains. I had a really hectic (quite stressful) few days at work & on top of that I had to go out and do all the shopping & dog walks etc. He felt so bad he thought he may have to go to hospital. He actually said when he gets ill now it lasts longer & he wanted to completely stop drinking by Christmas.  He has had to drink due to shakes but only had 4, & the first couple of days he did have a couple hallucinations, as despite not stopping altogether, he was still  detoxing.  For 4 days he got his intake down, & we kept discussing if he kept it at that then he could reduce further & eventually stop.

As I did the weekend shop yesterday I got him 4 cans a day but last night (as he was starting to feel better) he had 10 ciders. I was in bed about 1130. He came to bed about 430am. He was sleep talking, space invading in the bed & every time I was awake I was thinking how disappointing him drinking last night was. He has undone all the progress he made last week. He will get the shakes earlier today. He is likely to drink more than 4 again today & then going back to just 4 a day is going to be more & more difficult & very unlikely. He has sabotaged what he had achieved. 

On my sober journey I listen to Podcasts while I walk our dog, and often hear discussions around people failing miserably when they try to moderate their alcohol, & the only answer for them was to stop completely. G can't stop completely.  It needs to be done in hospital. Last time he had delusions and hallucinations,& ended up discharging himself & having a cider as soon as he left the hospital.  I could not manage him detoxing if this is likely to happen again. It is bitterly disappointing he drank so much last night. 

I did it I've gone sober

The 27th of August was the last time I had a drink. I posted up notes all over the house. I've joined online sober community groups & I listen to Sober Podcasts when I walk my dog. I did have a drink in the week sometimes before, but it was mainly weekend drinking with me, & recently I limited myself so didn't get drunk much so it's been easier than I thought. 

G cut back at first but is getting back to drinking most of the day after a first cup of tea. The point is though I've done this for me I can't expect miracles. It is not so easy when I can't have a drink to get on G's level at the weekend, but I've been so used to being on a completely different level most of the time & I would rather stay sober. X

A new approach

G's drinking is still following the same pattern. He is having more days when he does not get really drunk but still consuming more ciders than we can afford. He is still having days when he binges and these are difficult days, with sometimes outbursts of anger, & I feel I have to be careful what I say. He is also having more days when he is quite ill due to bingeing.

I am taking a  new approach which is mainly for myself, but I'm hoping may also influence G's drinking. At the beginning of the year I read the Sober diaries by Clare Pooley, & I've just finished Why don't you drink alcohol  101 reasons to stop drinking by Sienna Green. I aim to try to stop drinking myself. I do like a drink at the weekends so it's going to be hard, It's also going to be difficult as I will always be on a completely different level to G. Today I am going to transfer some of the 101 reasons into postcards which I will stick around the house. I did this when I gave of smoking & it worked for me. I've discussed this with G & he knows I will be posting these to help me, but if it also has an influence on his consumption & he makes more of an effort then that will be an added bonus.