The Planet Ug

1974

2011-02-18T15:28:00.000-08:00

Just watched the ‘1974’ episode of ‘Our friends in the North’ I was aged 7/8 and I do remember the coal strikes on the news, but I didn’t realise that this people power caused commercial users of electricity to be limited to 3days of electricity consumption each week; with a knock on effect on families relying on a full weeks wage coming in. However having said that, although the odds were against the protesters, and they were blamed for the effects, this people power had a major influence and caused a major shift in thinking and may have influenced a belief that we all have a voice and can be heard, and slowly but surely we have come a long way since then.

Life has been moving so fast I’ve had trouble keeping up.

2009-10-18T05:21:00.000-07:00

Life has been moving so fast I’ve had trouble keeping up. I’ve started work, have been travelling to Plymouth with my Mum who was supposed to be going in for an operation which has now been put off, and my daughter Tamsin has gone to travel the world for a year with her boyfriend (of four years), and she left this week. They are in India now, in Mumbai where she says it is hot, smelly and busy, and are off to the sea in the next couple of days. I am so excited for her, it will be an amazing experience but I am going to miss her. The last couple of weeks I have tried to spend as much time as I could with her and the week before her going I must admit I have been quite emotional. I went on a ‘leaving do’ night out in our home town last Friday, and then we had an early Christmas last Sunday. We had a Christmas tree up, a lovely dinner, Christmas pudding, crackers, and even a pressie each. It was great fun. We all really got into the spirit of it. I even got happy Christmas texts from friends.

Also after years of not being well enough to work, in the past couple of months I have spent days working on job applications, and have got an interview for each one. Three weeks ago on a Friday I went to an interview and started work on the Monday. I am back doing Advice work, which is where my experience lies. I feel I am good at it, and it is the sort of work I love. I am part of an exciting project working for the CAB delivering sessions in jobcentres. I am so chuffed It does seem like my dream job. Not only does it combine research, & meeting different people, as an added bonus one a big aim of the CAB is about influencing Social Policy and they have been very successful in doing this. One example of their social policy work is after incapacity benefit changed to Employment Support Allowance (ESA) a certain amount of income from permitted work was disregarded for people on non contribution based ESA, but not for people on contribution based ESA. The CAB brought this to the attention of the Government and the 2009 budget including provision that means that the earning limits will be the same for both contribution and non contribution based ESA from 2010. They have also been instrumental in bringing about changes in policy in areas such as: Working tax credit run on, backdating housing benefit and accessibility of Job Centre plus. The CAB has great ethics and seems to have passion for what they do. I am really excited about the job; I can see myself staying with them, and maybe changing roles in years to come and would love to be involved with the Social Policy work in the future.

Also I am very chuffed that I have not had the physical symptoms of panic/anxiety while taking part in group-work. This had been my biggest worry about working. I had thought I would be fine on a one to one basis, and believed the overwhelming feelings I get in a group situation would always affect me. It hasn’t I have gone to training courses and not only not experienced these feelings, I have been an active contributor and really enjoyed them. After years of negativity and anxiety taking over I thought I would never be able to do this type of work again. Over the last year the work I have done on myself has really paid off. I have transformed myself from a frightened of life, can’t do, person, to a sparkly and bright, loving life, can do person. The future looks exciting.

Slow Dance

2009-09-02T13:30:00.000-07:00

My friend John posted this up on his blog and I wanted to share it with you all. Thank you John :) xxx

This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital .

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not seen hissorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time To call and say,

'Hi'You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

When words fail Music speaks

2009-07-31T14:29:00.000-07:00

Whenever someone asks me to pick my favourite songs I find I may pick different tunes, and my list may change from time to time. However there may be a few tunes that seem to have been on your list for many years. These are the few I think about immediately when thinking of my favourite songs:

Dub be good to me Beats International (it was a cover But this is my favourite)

Say a little prayer Aretha Franklin

Back to life Soul to Soul

Shoulda woulda coulda Beverly Knight

Perfect Fairground Attraction

Blue Joni Mitchell

Ain’t nobody Chaka Khan

Rome wasn’t built in a day Moorcheeba

One love Bob Marley

Univited Alanis Morrisette

Silver screen shower scene Felix Da Housecat

Start wearing purple Gogol Bordello (What can I say I love purple)

Littlest birds Be good Tanya’s

The list could go on and on and on. If anyone reads this, comment with some of your favourite songs.

I am me Take me or leave me

2009-07-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

It has taken many years to say this and mean this: I am an individual, I don’t want to, and don’t think I do, conform to stereotypes, I like being a bit different.

Yet in darker times being different was very much part of the problem. Worrying about how people perceived me was one negative pattern of thinking I now recognise as being a big contributor to my depression. Living with anxiety means I have been living within another contradiction. A contradiction, such as doing a Community work degree and not being able to do community work, because it sometimes involves being confrontational and standing up to perceived authority.

Part of my recovery has been due to learning to love and accept myself as I am, not berating myself for the things I can’t do, but looking instead at what I can do. Now I recognise and celebrate my abilities, I recognise I can share my passion through writing, and if people agree with what I am saying that is great, but I people don’t I’ve got to a stage in my life where it doesn’t bother me half as much. People either like me or they don’t. They can take me or leave me. The only person’s approval I need is my own.

Still smiling :-)

2009-07-03T23:58:00.000-07:00

Again I have been neglecting blogger, so I am going to sum the last month up very briefly. Its been a month of much fun rest and relaxation, albeit intermingled between lots of Stress. I am pleased and a little amazed, I have managed to stay smiling. Lets get the crap out of the way first and then focus on the positive.

I've had car nightmares. My car has been off the road for over two months: we try this, its not that, oh it might be this, and so it goes on! Having a friend help me sort my car situation has not paid off. Instead I have spent £600 on a stop gap dustbin on wheels that can't be driven any distance until some more work is done on it.

Both laptops are at the fixers, and I am not sure whether they are fixable at all, they are both over three years old. I won't even go in to the official post/paperwork/money stuff that's landed through my door Arghhhhhhhh

What has kept me smiling is:

The sun shining (hasn't the weather been amazing), getting out into the countryside, spending time with beautiful people, Calstock Green festival, Dancing, new friends, old friends, music, Mazey Day at Penzance, feeling blessed to have beautiful people in my life, and maybe the wisdom to ensure I do surround myself with positivity.

Feeling positive enough to apply for a full on proper job, and being able to get a hand written application together, which should be worthy of consideration, with no laptop, and no access to my CV.

I have lots of fun stuff to look forward to, and after a bit of escapism in the summer, I think I may have a bit a future (career wise) to look forward to.

A good site for anyone wanting to lose weight.

2009-06-12T03:13:00.000-07:00

If you came across my blog a year or so ago, you will know that I went on a new healthy living regime at the beginning of 2008. I had put on a lot of weight and was in danger of going up another dress size. However over a year I managed to lose a stone, get fit (I swam 22 miles in 10 weeks in a sponsored swim), and give up smoking.

Eating just one or two hundred extra calories a day can pile on the pounds over time, and it can happen so slowly a person may not notice it happening until they need to go out and buy new clothes. That was what happened to me when I was at University doing my degree, a combination of cheap student cooked breakfasts and big baguette lunches, and shopping regularly in the sales for clothes, by the end of the four years I was three and a half stone overweight. I only managed to lose it afterwards by calorie counting.

Now unfortunately my age is against me, my metabolism has slowed down (the rate at which my body burns calories), also I am on medication which increases my appetite (and I’ve always had a good appetite) Therefore if I don’t keep an eye on what I eat and the exercise I take I can easily pile on the pounds. This is what has happened to me since Christmas, I have a bit of a muffin top, and my jeans are getting a little tight. So I have decided to get back on the case for a few weeks.

Recommended by a friend I joined a really good site where you can keep a food diary and log exercise, make friends, and join groups to keep you motivated. There are is mixture of people on there, and I was shocked to see a few people who weighed less than me with targets that if I achieved I would look barely alive, however the majority of people on there are struggling with their weight and have realistic goals. You don’t have to want to lose weight to be on there. You have a choice of picking that you want to: lose weight, maintain weight, or gain weight. At the beginning you also log your general level of activity such as; whether you sit most of the day or have a physical job. You also log your weight and your target weight, the site will estimate how many calories you can eat a day (or you can change this amount up or down if you want faster or slower results).

The idea is that every day you log everything you eat and count the calories as you go. On your home page you will see a calorie metre and a burn metre (which goes up during the day and is determined by how active you said your lifestyle was). Daily you can log any exercise/activity you do and this increases your burn metre and therefore the amount of calories you can consume. There are also groups you can join, I have joined a group for women over 40, people who want to lose between 6 and 10 pounds, and a general women’s health group. Each group has a forum for discussion which you can join in with and make friends with similar people. I have already replied to a discussion about someone who has found they may have an under active thyroid.

If you want to lose a few pounds, or just try not to put weight on, and you have time and can access the internet daily then this site may be worth a go. Check it out:

www.caloriecount.about.com

Searching for the positives

2009-05-21T04:28:00.000-07:00

As I have discussed in my posting on positive affirmations, by telling yourself something enough you may be able to re-programme negative ways of thinking. How I have dealt with the shock of finding my assailant on a social networking site I am on, on Monday, is an example of how I have done this. One of the things I tell myself is that there us something to learn from every experience and every person that comes into our lives. I could and almost did end up spiralling down into a pit of despair, no energy, couldn’t focus etc etc. However on Tuesday morning, while cleaning, I listened to some positive affirmations. This then gave me enough of a boost to think ‘Well what is there to be learnt from this situation and what can I do to turn it into a positive?’ (More on how I turned it to a positive in a bit)

While still finding myself being overwhelmed by emotions, my thought process turned to recognising and challenging the reasons for being overtaken by tears. The past few days are also an example of how Carolyn Myss theories, have been, and are so much of a help. On Monday, I wanted to reach out to my friends for reassurance that I was OK, instead of being confident in myself that I am OK. In my despair on Monday I had phoned a women’s support centre, and I got a phone call back on the Tuesday afternoon. I had done a lot of thinking by then, although realising I had put the incident on the back burner, without negating the effect it had on me on Monday I realised that it is unlikely to do any good to delve and revisit what had happened. Another affirmation I tell myself is that the past has no power over me now; I can learn from it and move on. This is basically what I decided to do. We had left it that she will ring me next week and set up some sessions if I felt I needed it, but I don’t think I will need them. Carolyn Myss theories have helped me deal with this on my own, listen and respect my own voice, and enabled me to bounce back quicker from any knock backs.

So what is there to be learnt from this situation? I have learnt I can find the answers I need to move forward from the challenges that Monday presented within myself. One of the biggest worries was that he would see status, photos, comments I may make, etc, through my friends profiles. So I have learnt I can block someone on this site and not only do they not see me I don’t see them either. Perfect!! What can I do to turn it into a positive? After talking to the support worker at the women’s centre and searching the net there doesn’t seem to be any specific information on how to deal with this situation, so I am now researching and writing an article which may be of use to other people who may find themselves in a similar situation, and don’t want to stop networking online.

Hey, My sparkle isn't going to go out.

2009-05-18T07:11:00.000-07:00

It has been a bit odd that after summarising CD1 on self esteem, I have been presented with many challenges, and I am feeling very overwhelmed by emotions. I am writing this while the tears flow, and need to remind myself of Carolyn’s message.

To start off with my car died this week, which was a bit of a shock, after being a great car for many years. On top of that it was the anniversary of my Dad dying, I went out with my Mum for the day and we had a lovely trip out. Even though we had a great day and we maybe presented a strong persona to each other, I did struggle all week I felt very emotional and tearful. I love my Dad and I miss him sooo much.

Today thou was the straw that broke the camels back as they say, I went onto one of the social networking type sites I am on, and noticed the person who abused me last year, has now joined and is friends with some of my friends. I don’t want to delete them as its been great to get back into contact with them. The tears haven’t stopped, but I don’t want to cry It’s giving him more energy. I am surprised by my reaction; maybe the tears are needed.

It has been difficult to keep my sparkle, but I am determined it won’t go out. I’ve just got back from a lovely weekend away, which included visiting new outstandingly beautiful corners of Cornwall. I have beautiful friends, who love me, and I have my health. The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it. Hey my sparkle isn’t going to go out.

Understanding Self Esteem?

2009-05-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

Ok so if you’ve been following my blog postings, you will have heard me talk about Carolyn Myss and how her 4cd’s looking at Self Esteem, kick-started an internal journey of transformation and empowerment. I have shared the CDs with friends who have found them extremely useful, and now I would like to share them with you, by attempting to summarise the main points Carolyn makes. Please note; I have listened to these CDs many times and therefore hope I am able to successfully relay Carolyn’s message, however others who listen to them may get a different perspective than I have.

Carolyn sees self esteem as the fundamental power of life, as our spirit engaged in action. How we feel about ourselves affects every aspect of our life such as; health, finances, and relationships (with others as well as ourselves). When we don’t respect or regard ourselves enough, and constantly look to others for approval it could be said we are suffering from low self esteem.

We co create our own reality.
Prior to the present day, self esteem was often defined by the groups we belonged to; i.e tribes, communities, and families. Collective Self esteem was about living up to the expectations of these groups; we didn’t need to think so much for ourselves, we followed the decisions the group made. Whereas now, in a society less influenced by the collective, we are finding we need to manage our own thoughts and make our own decisions. We are now much more involved in co creating our own reality. Every time we let someone else speak up for us we abdicate our right to co create our reality. Having self esteem allows us to take charge of the co creation process.

What is healthy self esteem?
Is it about what we look like? Well yes that can be a part of it, and if we accept we can co create our reality, we can actually make a changes to our appearance if we want to. However if we had high self esteem we wouldn’t worry what we looked like, we would be able to wear whatever we wanted to, and we wouldn’t worry about what other people thought of us, because the only person’s opinion that would matter is our own.

Carolyn sees self esteem as the spiritual gateway to empowerment. She suggests self esteem is about listening to your intuition (listening to your self), and respecting and regarding what your intuition tells you. It’s about accepting the voice within. Listening to the self is not a gift. It’s a skill that needs practice. You just can’t read a book on self esteem and develop it; it requires action. Self esteem is a verb not a noun.

Self esteem is also about having the ability to lead an invisible life, and not need applause for our actions, not need recognition for our kindness. We get the respect etc from ourselves and therefore don’t need it to be recognised by others.

To develop healthy self esteem we need to know and understand every aspect of our lives; everything we say, everything we do, the way we treat people, the way we engage with our own life, whether or not we can fulfil our own potential, whether or not we know our own potential. Everything begins with whether or not we can make a commitment not to base our lives dependant on the approval of other people, and respect and regard our own voice/opinion and life.

Why we don’t want to develop self esteem.
We protect and cover ourselves by screening our intuition. We may not want to hear some of the things our intuitive voice is telling us; we only want to hear good stuff. Many people get introduced to their ‘self’ through their pain; i.e. ‘See what my family have done to me’ etc. We can create a whole culture around knowing ourselves through our wounds and our pain, we can become stuck in the role of victim, and therefore suppress the self, and are fearful of digging anymore into the ‘self’. In this situation we often don’t want to take that one step further.

Risks of developing self esteem.
Not everyone is going to celebrate your empowerment, as it will inevitably affect your relationships with other people. An example could be if you are involved in a partnership with a power imbalance, such as; when your partner has been reliant on you being more subservient/vulnerable etc. Suddenly self empowerment, self regard, and self healing presents a threat/slap in the face to these partners. Similarly in relationships with friends, as your sense of self and empowerment kicks in, you may not play the role of pleaser in that relationship anymore. You will be changing your relationship with people; you won’t be asking for their permission/approval any more. This type of situation is very likely to create conflict and/or the need to make big (possibly life changing) decisions. You are basically telling people with whom you have relationships with, that you are changing the relationship dynamic, and this is going to be a challenge for them as well as yourself.

The birth of the self.
Carolyn believes the birth of the self is inevitable. At some point we will all reach the moment when a light bulb comes on, and says either you change the rules, or you are going under. We need to understand self esteem within the context of our spiritual paths. How does self esteem relate to spirituality? Self esteem is your spirit emerging. As our spirit emerges, our self provides us with answers and direction about what we need to do. Consciousness means becoming conscious of how much power we have, and how we choose to use that power. Becoming empowered enough to listen and act on the messages/directions from our inner self, is a spiritual experience and not an ego trip.

Developing self esteem is about developing the self in such an empowered way, that we can listen to these instructions which direct is towards maximising our highest potential, on behalf of the whole of life. Being esteemed is about holding ourselves accountable for our thoughts and actions. We need to ask; why am I doing what I am doing? What is my hidden agenda? It’s not just about finding out the rules it’s about living the rules. How you operate with in ourself, everything, every part of our lives, everything that goes on in the world is about taking responsibility for ourselves. Developing the self involves taking responsibility for the power of your soul.

Carolyn believes, and I agree with her, that the self is going to come out; you can only repress it for so long. One day you will meet yourself. You can either meet it and let it shine, or meet it through your shadow.

Self esteem and choice.
When someone asks you a question do you think about what they may want to hear and answer accordingly, or do you respect yourself enough to answer truthfully and really reflect what you want to say? How you operate the power you now know you have, the manner with which you conduct yourself, is your choice. Every choice we make is related to our self esteem.

Your entire life revolves around choice. People often choose to shop in order to give the impression that they are a certain type of person. For example the type of car we have can say something about us. However with high self esteem it doesn’t matter what you drive; you can drive a tin box with wheels. You don’t have to wear who you are all over the place. If you make all the choices you have wanted to take, including how you choose to respond to how people talk to you, then you are truly esteemed. Do you find you respond to someone in a certain way because they make you feel insecure or intimidated? With high self esteem you become silently empowered, no one can intimidate you. You choose to know who you are, and you have your priorities in life figured out, and respect and trust your‘self’. If you need to ask permission from others to become empowered, you are never going to get there.

Self esteem and love.
Love is another important aspect of self esteem. Without a strong sense of self you may develop insecure love, manipulative love, hysterical love or self agenda love. You really need to be able to love yourself more than you love someone else. However by accepting this you also need to be strong enough to give your partner the same privilege; allow them to love themselves more than they love you. If you can’t do this you may always be thinking of how much your partner loves you, and be focused on what if they leave you if they develop themselves.

The paradox of progress.
You may think by developing by self esteem you will become incredibly empowered, whereas in fact the stronger sense of self you have the more likely you are to hold yourself accountable to higher standards. Developing self esteem is not easy. You need to be strong enough to live by these new rules coming from your intuition. You choose how to direct your energy, and your choices actually become more limited, however the consequences of your choices become more powerful. You need to be able to pause and try and relate every choice you make to self esteem.

As you build a sense of interior worth, you realise that negativity generates negativity, and you don’t always have to let someone know if they have hurt or upset you. You can you take care of yourself in the spiritual, physical, and emotional world. Developing self esteem is a great gift to your’self’ and to others.

It took longer than I expected to summarise CD1. It was not an easy task.

CD2 starts to look at how to develop self esteem.

It may take me a while before I do but expect a summary in the not too distant future.

We give the little word 'stress' too much power

2009-04-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

I have had a fun filled weekend, involving much fun and alcohol as my brother came down to Cornwall to celebrate his 40th birthday. I was so pleased he chose to come down here to share the celebrations with his family. It was an honour. However when Monday came as I hadn’t done any household chores or writing at the weekend, there seemed to be so much to do, and not enough time slots to do it all in. I wondered how I was going to manage to fit every thing in, even though some of what I was trying to fit it was fun stuff, such as a visit from a friend and going to the cinema. One of my main worries was that I wouldn’t find any time to research and write an article to post on Wednesday. Monday morning I felt very overwhelmed, and started to feel panicked, my body tensed up, I rushed around but didn’t get anything done any quicker, and I was even hyperventilating. Then I thought to myself this is silly, if I can’t do everything this week, Is it life threatening? Is it really important in the big scheme of things? I was feeling stressed about doing fun things which took the fun out of them completely? I was allowing myself to be stressed, and knew I had to do something about it or I wouldn’t manage the week.

I think sometimes we use the word ‘stress’ as a cop out. We give this little word too much power. By saying we are stressed we are using an excuse, placing the blame on something/one else for the way we are feeling, and then we make ourselves the victim. However playing the victim doesn’t help us feel any better; by concentrating on negatives we are just creating more negativity. Stress could be considered to be a fearful reaction to life’s constant changes.

The only life I have control over is mine and only I control my life. So I decided to take control, examine what I was fearful of, and examine what I could do to release the fear. I realised that I would let my mind race onto all the tasks ahead of me which was using energy I didn’t have to spare, instead of concentrating in the here and now. Concentrating and doing one thing at a time, and not letting my mind race ahead of me, was enough to make me feel so much calmer. I also had a CD with one minute meditations which I was able to do (after all if I couldn’t spare one minute I really was in trouble). By taking the time to think through, examine why I was panicking, and being proactive in making changes to ensure I felt calmer and capable, my week ended up flowing quite nicely. Everything fell into place, and I even ended up with spare time, and was able to find time to do enough research and writing to produce an article I was happy with.

Positive Affirmations

2009-04-24T06:28:00.000-07:00

A friend sent me some positive affirmations the other day, which I really like, and thought it would be nice to share them with all you lovely people, but first I want to share my thoughts on affirmations. As part of my continued empowerment, alongside listening to the Carolyn Myss Self esteem CDs, and practising meditation I have also got into the habit of doing positive affirmations.

I was reading Louise Hay ‘You can heal your life’ the other day and she mentions how many of us may have got stuck in the habit of saying negative affirmations to ourselves, such ‘I can’t do that’, ‘They won’t like me’ I don’t deserve this’ etc. She suggests saying affirmations don’t work is an affirmation in itself. Louise also makes a connection between dis-ease, ill health, and negative thinking, and while I do agree, that a positive mental attitude can help with your physical health as well as your mental health, I must admit I do not agree with Louise’s theories that cancer and other illnesses can be caused by negative thinking, and you can cure yourself by doing positive affirmations. I feel that maybe these rather extreme beliefs may contribute towards people seeing people who practice positive affirmations as kooky, weird, airy fairy etc.

However, I am finding practising positive affirmations, a very useful practise in the process of reprogramming my thought patterns. It just seems to make sense to me; as constantly talking negatively to ourselves is bound to contribute to feeling low, so therefore learning to talk positively to ourselves is quite likely to contribute to us feeling happier. I realised that I had been stuck in negative ways of thinking such as: placing unrealistically high expectations on myself and self bullying for most of my life. Since doing positive affirmations it is actually changing the way I think. The only way to explain this is to give an example. I mentally say affirmations to myself while swimming (often for about an hour), and the affirmations I say include: ‘I open the door to my heart inwards with love. As I forgive myself it becomes easier to be able to forgive others. I allow myself to make mistakes, and realise any mistakes I make are opportunities to learn something new. Every experience has something to teach me’. When I made a mistake in the past I would beat myself up, tell myself I am weak, unworthy, a person who can’t cope like other people can, whereas now when I do see mistakes as an opportunity to learn something which can now help me move forward and become stronger.

So whether you think affirmations kooky or recognise the benefit of saying them here are the affirmations I wanted to share with you:

I notice the beauty of nature and feel blessed to be part of it.

I accept change and welcome new beginnings.

Where I am is where I am meant to be.

I have everything I need because of this I am filled with contentment and peace.

The past is my history, the future is my unknown, I choose to live in the present.

My entire being radiates love and joy to the world around me.

I remember the past, learn from it, then release it. I love who I am.

My home is filled with joy, love laughter, understanding and serenity.

The only life I have control over is mine and only I control my life.

A few words

2009-04-14T06:50:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I said to myself I would start writing regularly again in this blog, even if I just write a few words.

So here are a few words describing my weekend:

SALSA CHARITY SHOPS DRIVING FUN FRIENDS
WINE SEA BEAUTIFUL SUNSET WALKING FAMILY
FOOD SUN WRITING RAIN DANCE TIRING

The things I do before a full moon

2009-04-08T11:26:00.000-07:00

When a full moon is coming up I do things like:

Become ultra sensitive, completely emotional, and obsessive. In the days coming up to a full moon I can obsess, count and have to account for every single pair of my socks for example.
Panic and run out of the swimming pool dripping wet, still in my costume and hat, to make an ‘URGENT’ phone call to my daughter about a missed dentist appointment.
Spend the next half an hour crying uncontrollably and thinking I’ll never be able to go to the swimming pool again.
Sit on a bench two metres away from a sheer drop and hold on to the bench for safety.
And in complete contrast have a sudden urge to run forward two metres (almost as if I can feel the pull of the moon).
Find the beginning of the film ‘The boat that rocked’ emotionally overwhelming, and the tears flow within the first minute. It’s a comedy!!!
Want to walk out of town and just keep walking.
Want to listen to emotional tortured music as loud as I possibly can.

However I do all these things and I know it will pass when the moon is full.

As Aldous Huxley said:

“We cannot reason ourselves out of our basic irrationality, All we can do is learn the art of being irrational in a reasonable way”

(from Island 1962 pg201)

The battle between the heart and the head

2009-04-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

I am sure many people reading this can identify with the battle we sometimes go through, about whether to listen to our hearts or our heads. This paragraph from Carolyn Myss’s book ‘Sacred Contracts’ seems to be very insightful of what actually goes on (for me anyway):

“We frequently don’t know why we do the things we do, or why we have to cope with inexplicable fears. This leads to painful conflict when we feel one way and act another, separating mind and heart.
Living with mind and heart divided is like having two battle encampments within, each one fighting for authority over our power of choice. When isolated from each other the heart and mind are each handicapped; the mind tends to be become hyperrational, and the heart, overly emotional. This imbalance of forces fragments our power. And like a nation in which opposing forces are constantly at war with each other, when our nature os fragmented, it is vulnerable to being dominated by fear. As Jesus said, ‘If a kingdom is divided against itself, it cannot stand’ (Mark 3:24).”

Update on Life

2009-04-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

Hey I can’t quite believe how long its been since my last blog posting (although I have kept up with my ‘Jax writers spot’ blog). So here goes with a brief summary and update of my life:

It was the first Christmas without my Dad, so I went to my Mums to cook Christmas dinner, and it was a really lovely day. Spending time with family is after all what I believe Christmas is about. An added bonus was that as I was driving, I didn’t end up feeling rough by the evening which I do when I stay at home and have the first glass of wine while I am cooking. We (all my daughters and I) also still went to my Mums for the traditional cold meat and salad Boxing Day lunch. All in all not only did I really enjoy our couple of family days, but my Mum enjoyed herself too, which is all I really wanted.

My bestest Christmas pressie was a MP3 player. I still need a little help when it comes to putting music on it, but I love it. To supplement the swimming I now also go on a long walk (or should I say stomp) every week, listening to some of the 20plus odd CD’s I have stored on this oh sooo tiny device.

I am still swimming a couple of times a week. As I’m not doing the sponsored swim at first I found it little more difficult to motivate myself, especially as after new year the pool got really busy for a while, and I really don’t like having to dodge people and being continually splashed in the face, but as the new years resolutions were abandoned the pool got quieter again, I seem to have settled into a routine and generally swim a mile and a half a week.

I have decided not to hide aspects of myself on this blog (after questioning whether admitting a history of mental health may affect work prospects). So after feeling brighter and happier than I have felt for many years, I am now ready for and looking at returning to Advice and information work (while still continuing with writing), and may have some work lined up to start in June (when the funding is available). I am taking it step by step.

Probably the biggest news this week is I am going to be in a book, it is a local small paperback book, published by the mental health team, that can be picked up for free in doctor surgeries etc, but never the less it is a book. I am going to the book launch on Friday, at a conference at the Eden project. After lots of thought I am going to share my piece with you as it is also probably the best update of the changes in my life:

Changing my perception of panic
For many years negativity, fear, and anxiety have been a big part of my life. Last year I had a feeling it would be a good year, however it was a year of disasters starting off with the unexpected death of my father, and shortly after that I experienced a traumatic assault. My anxiety went off the wall, and I was experiencing a lot of panic. I recognise that that mental health is often misunderstood, and I felt that people seeing me in a state of anxiety when I was out and about, may think I was just overreacting, and I should pull myself together. I internalised these imagined perceptions, beat myself up for not ‘having control’, and I ended up hardly going out of my front door.

Apparently ‘Disaster’ means from the stars, indicating a long held belief that bad things happen for reasons known only by the heavens. I can’t pinpoint when, but one day I realised that only I could turn myself around. Experiencing such trauma actually kick started a journey of transformation; It was not an easy journey, I started listening to some self help CDs on self esteem, which made me step back, look at my life, and discover (not always good) aspects of myself. By recognising these aspects, they were easier to deal with and I was less likely to beat myself up for my perceived weaknesses. The CDs helped me value my own opinion, instead of placing so much importance on what other people thought about me. The only person’s approval I need is my own. By listening to the CDs every day I was basically reprogramming and changing my thought patterns. I also started meditation; at first I was terrible at it, but it got easier, and I found the deep relaxation very beneficial in reducing anxiety.

After many months of ‘self work’, I found I was not only able to go into town shopping, I was also able to go in with a smile on my face, a smile which was there not as a mask but because I felt good. I do still feel fear take over me, and get caught up in negativity; however I am now gentler on myself. I recognize anxiety is a part of me, I accept it, I don’t beat myself up about it, and I am able to bounce back quicker. After many years of being completely overwhelmed by any stresses, a cluster of disasters has actually enabled me to feel more positive than I have done for around 8 years. Maybe it was a good year after all.

Fun out and about day and night

2008-11-30T07:32:00.000-08:00

A while ago on Facebook I had noticed there was a Vintage Flea Market happening in Falmouth, and as a few friends were going that I went to Uni with, I was thinking it might be worth a visit. Then my friend Lise who lives near me, in Bodmin, also put it in her diary on Facebook, so a plan was coming together. We could travel down together, share petrol, and spending time with a friend always makes days out extra special. My daughter Megs was also wanting to be dropped at Bodmin train station to go to Plymouth with friends, so it all worked out really well as I could drop her and then go on to pick Lise up.

The only downside to the day was that Friday night I had checked my bank balance and discovered I probably didn’t even have enough money in there to cover my direct debits going out on Monday, so I couldn’t spend any money. I had quite an emotionally low Friday evening, but Saturday woke up thinking ‘Am I going to let superficial money worries put out my sparkle?’ and firmly answered NO! I realised I was sabotaging myself, by letting these worries affect my mood, and my sparkle returned. I’ve still got the money problems but what’s the point of getting depressed about them, I am less likely to be able to do anything about them then, and besides nothing can be done about it till Monday anyway.

So I got to Lise’s a little early, but time to have a leisurely cuppa and catch up before setting off. With petrol cheaper in Bodmin (by about 5p a litre) I put a bit of petrol in and off we drove. The journey was smooth, and we didn’t even really get caught up in any traffic jams at Truro. When we got to Falmouth I turned towards town, asked someone where the WI hall was and found we were on the right road to take us to the nearest car park, which we found right away. We didn’t have change but someone at the car park had 5 pound coins in exchange for a note, and then we walked down and found the hall right away. Everything just seemed to be going just right.

We went into the market and the first stall was a stall my friend Frea was running, and she seemed to be doing quite a good business. I looked at a gorgeous Monsoon dress on her stall, but reminded myself I was just there for a jolly and couldn’t spend any money. Lise on the other hand was there to buy and in the first 5 minutes had grabbed a skirt and a gorgeous purple furry jacket. It was jam packed and looking around I saw some more friends; Emily, Christina and Joe, all of whom I hadn’t seen for over a year. As it was so crowded it we didn’t really have much of a chat but it was really lovely to see them all.

I then saw an outfit I quite liked and as it was an absolute bargain so I tried it on. It did look amazing but I don’t think I would have worn it, however it started me off on a trying clothes on frenzy, and I must have tried on about 5 outfits when I returned to the Monsoon dress on Frea’s stall. I tried it on and it fitted perfectly, looked amazing, was just my colour, what more can I say Frea did me a good deal. I was going out for the night so what could be better than having a new dress to wear out.

After the Flea market, we found a lovely Health food shop, which sold yummy wheat free veggy pasties and then walked up the hill and along overlooking the town and the sea back to the car park. I stayed for a cuppa while Lise transferred photos, of me she had taken, from her phone onto her laptop and uploaded them onto facebook. I’ve also put it on my ‘my space’ so click on the link on the right, and see the outfit I didn’t buy and the dress I did.

I had a lovely day out and about with great company and I didn’t get back till about 4.30. I tried to have a bit of a rest before heading out again, but was too excited, I must stop eating all those butterflies, they keep fluttering away in my tummy. I was going to see Glass Shark who I have travelled to see in the past, but Saturday night they were playing at the Oyster Catcher at Polzeath which is a local pub I go to quite a bit. As I had discovered my bank balance was so low I had cancelled a taxi back and decided to drive, so I would save the money and not spend so much just buying soft drinks.

I have to tell you, I am up for being a driver again as it was one of the most fun nights I’ve had. I went along with my daughter Tamsin, Bisto (her boyfriend) and her friend Vicki. It took a while for the band to start and I was flagging a bit especially as I wasn’t drinking, but I had a red bull and a coffee and soon perked up. When the band started I really wanted to dance but there was a bloke dancing on his own who was doing things like gyrating against a pillar, and he looked like he would make a bee line for any female who got up on the dance floor, so I waited till there were a few more people and then I got up. I had a great dance and after they’d finished playing, they also DJ, and they played some great old disco tunes that I carried on dancing away to.

While I was sober you could see that people were getting drunk around me, Tamisn Vicki and Bisto certainly were, but at the Oyster Catcher the drunkenness wasn’t in your face. Although I could have stayed, and really was not bothered about having a drink at all, it was suggested we could get back to Wadebridge, park the car and I could have a drink. Drunkeness was totally in your face in Wadebridge. I parked the car and had a glass of wine, and around me people were wobbling around, singing loudly together, taking their trousers down!!!, and trying to pick fights. Not everyone was like that but it was very amusing. It reinforced the reasons why I’m really not that bothered about going out in Wadebridge. It was a great night, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and getting in just after one in the morning proves you don’t need a drink to keep you going either.

I've done it!!!

2008-11-24T12:20:00.000-08:00

I’ve done it!!! I’ve swum 22 miles (1416 lengths) the length of the Channel, with over a week to spare. The last few times I’ve been to the swimming pool it’s been very busy, maybe it’s something to do with the evenings drawing in or Christmas coming up, but whatever it is more people seem to be coming swimming at the moment. The first half hour today it was only me and one other swimmer, but after school finished the pool filled up. Luckily I only had a few more lengths to do the 44 I had left to swim, and I was able to finish those without dodging too many people. I am really really chuffed.

So I’ve done my bit. Now all I need is for people to sponsor me, even if it’s only a couple of quid, every little bit counts. I think I’ve managed to raise almost £70. It would be great to manage to get to the 100 mark. All money raised goes to Aspire Britain’s leading spinal injury charity. You can sponsor me here:

www.justgiving.co.uk/jacquihickmore

(or by clicking on the widget on my 'my space' (link on the right) ) Any donations will be very gratefully received.

I should not have said about not getting any of the colds going around.

2008-10-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

I should not have written about not getting any of the bugs and colds that had been going round, as I then promptly got a cold. Saturday morning I woke up with a dripping nose. It was so bad I had to have a tissue in hand at all times and by Sunday my nose was red raw. I’m now not well ahead of schedule. Luckily it didn’t last too long, and I was feeling much better by the Wednesday. To be on the safe side I waited until Friday to go swimming again. It was such a beautiful day, and with sunny days being quite rare at the moment I felt the urge to get to the sea, which I did, but it meant I missed the afternoon swimming session. I was so determined still to go, so I turned up at the pool at 8.30 in the evening. It was only an hour session but I still managed to do 50 lengths bringing my total up to 800 lengths.

Anyway I’m still optimistic I will complete the challenge.

Please sponsor me. I'm halfway through the challenge.

2008-10-16T09:24:00.000-07:00

Its week 5 of the Aspire Channel swim, and I’ve just got back from swimming a mile, which I did in 1hour 5minutes (a personal best). I’m now half way through, as I’ve swum 11 and a half miles in all of the 22miles I need to do. I’m well ahead of schedule so I’m really chuffed. I’ve been swimming a lot at my local pool and have been lucky in mostly finding quiet times. I was a little worried a couple of weeks ago, that I may not be able to complete the challenge. I had helped out at a friends wedding, and I think I must have moved suddenly the wrong way and my shoulder started really hurting. A friend gave it a bit of a massage and said it was really swollen. As I don’t actually remember doing anything specific that may have caused it, I wondered whether it might have been swimming a lot more that had caused it. I swam half a mile the Monday after and it was ok, but after swimming a mile on the Tuesday it really hurt and was swollen again. I didn’t swim again till the Friday and then I took it really easy and swam half a mile really slowly. Luckily the next week it was more or less back to normal and I was able to pick up the swimming again. So it was probably was something I did at the wedding, and not the swimming that had caused it. I’ve also been very lucky (touch wood) in not getting any of the array of bugs and colds that have been going around, as that also would put me out of action.

I would also really recommend swimming for stress relief. Firstly I find getting in to the water melts away stresses and tensions. Secondly with the crappy year I’ve had, I am finding swimming, gives me a good amount of thinking time, when I can really reflect and deal with things that have happened, and formulate plans of action. Its almost like going to counselling except nothing is said out loud, and I’m the counsellor and the one being counselled.

Anyway as you can see I’m doing well, and I’m confident I will complete the challenge. All I need now is for people to sponsor me, and you can do this by clicking on the link (on the right) which says ‘Sponsor me here’.

Update on swim

2008-09-20T04:09:00.000-07:00

I went swimming yesterday at a time which for the past few months has been really quiet, so quiet in fact occasionally I’ve been the only swimmer in the pool. However although it wasn’t too busy when I got there as time went on it got busier and busier. Having to weave around so many people, some swimming widths, some just bobbing around, and others doing lengths like me, did make my swim yesterday a bit more of a challenge. Anyway as it is generally a quiet time to swim, I had set myself the target of swimming a mile and I wasn’t going to let a busy pool stop me achieving my target for the day. So after an hour and 15 minutes I finished swimming 66 lengths (64 is a mile but I did 2 for luck). This makes my grand total 154 lengths this week, which I am really pleased with.

I have also had a thought: why don’t I add a link to the page where you can sponsor me on my blog? So you should now be able to click on Sponsor me on the right of this page. I also got my fundraising pack through today, with sponsor forms, record card, a swimming hat and some information about what Aspire do (the charity I am raising money for). Aspire work with people with spinal injuries. There are around 40,000 people with a spinal cord injury and every day another 4 people are told they may never walk again. Aspire raise money for specialist equipment (£350 will pay for Smartnav technology for a PC to enable someone with a spinal injury to use a computer), adapted housing, and independent living officers to provide support and help to people who have been recently injured and are leaving hospital. As you can see it is a very worthwhile cause.

Swimming the Channel

2008-09-19T04:37:00.000-07:00

You’ll never believe what I’ve gone and done. I say that because it’s taken a week for what I’ve signed up to, to sink in. Last Friday, while just browsing the internet, I signed up to swim 22 miles which is the length of the channel in 12 weeks (the time scale is from this Monday 15th September to December 7th). That’s 1416 lengths in all! As I signed up I thought am I mad, or actually is it a really good idea to set myself a challenge? It will give me something to work towards, give me a tremendous sense of achievement if I do it, and will keep me exercising which will help with the release of feel good endorphins which I really need at the moment to get me through a low patch.

It is all in aid of Aspire who are the UK’s leading spinal injury charity and of course I also need to get sponsored. If any of you lovely readers would like to sponsor me then click on my ‘my space’ link on the right of this page, and on it I have a widget which will take you to my fundraising page where you can donate money.

I feel I can achieve this, as some weeks I have managed 96 lengths (a mile and a half). In order to complete the challenge I need to swim 118 lengths a week, which means I maybe have to go swimming three times a week instead of two times. This week I swam on Monday and Tuesday and did 44 lengths both times making 88 in all and I’m also going swimming today. I am going to aim to do more than 118 if I can as many weeks as I can, as if I get a cold, or injure myself and have to miss some sessions, then the likelihood of me completing the challenge will be lessened.
Anyway I’m off for a swim now I will keep you informed how I get on.

It takes around 21 days for new activities to become a habit, and 6 months for them to become part of a lifestyle.

2008-09-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed I haven’t posted a blog for a long time; unfortunately I’ve not been in a good place. I won’t bore you with the details, but it’s actually not surprising with what has happened in the space of a few months. I was saying to my lovely bestest buddy yesterday that I had a feeling 2008 would be a good year for me, but instead it has thrown challenges at me left right and centre. She pointed out that by my thinking it would be a positive year has probably helped me through it. So I’m going to focus on positives! One really positive aspect of 2008 is, of course, my bid to be healthier. I am eating really well, I am a weight I am happy with, and with all the swimming and exercising I am also fitter. I’ve swum a mile (which had always been an ambition of mine) a fair few times now, and I’m able to work so much harder with the exercise/dance DVD’s.

Also as I haven’t posted a blog for a long time, you may not be aware I am still not smoking (It’s been about 2 ½ months now). I started on patches at the beginning of July, as I was slipping up once or twice a day without them. With patches I didn’t crave cigarettes at all. About five weeks ago I went down to 5mg patches, and then a couple of weeks ago I forgot to put one on one day and I haven’t used them since. If you really want to give up smoking I really would recommend trying the patches. I can also congratulate myself for staying strong and not grabbing for the cigarettes through quite a traumatic time.

Anyway with what I’ve achieved I think it’s about time I ease up on the ‘New Year new me’ diary, and I went back to writing about whatever springs to mind. However I may have to throw in a few updates just to keep myself on track. It takes around 21 days for new activities to become a habit, and 6 months for them to become part of a lifestyle, and apart from the smoking, I would say healthy living is now part of my lifestyle.

I haven't smoked a ciggy for 4 days

2008-07-05T07:08:00.000-07:00

I haven’t posted a blog, as I hadn’t had much success with the non smoking. I waited in the end till the 4th week after my Dad’s funeral, and the first week I slipped up quite a bit and then on the 4th day I brought tobacco. I didn’t however listen to the Paul Mckenna CD much. So I decided to try again on the following Monday.

I listened to the Paul Mckenna CD 2 to 3 times a day, and it does help. I slipped up and had about 1 roll up a day until the Friday. Even though I had slipped up I was pleased with my progress. On the Thursday I went to a smoking cessation appointment, and decided I needed a bit extra to support my will power, and to help with the withdrawal symptoms, as I was beginning to get very tearful, so I said yes to patches.

The woman I saw said the doctor had to do the prescription, and it would be available to pick up at the chemist next day. However it wasn’t, and I slipped up a bit more on the Friday night. On the Saturday the prescription still wasn’t in, and I was fine during the day, but in the evening as friends had come down to stay for the weekend, we went out got a bit drunk and I started smoking again.

So on the Monday I had to start again. This time the prescription was in and although I couldn’t use one that day, I managed to only slip up once that day. I started with a patch on Tuesday the 1st of July and I haven’t smoked one cigarette since. I opted for the 10ml patches instead of the 15ml as I had done very well without them, and they are brilliant. I haven’t had any cravings and none of the tearful irritable emotional crap I’ve had for the past two weeks.

I now have more hope of a smoke free future. The patches enable you to deal with the habit and the psychological addiction before slowly cutting out the nicotine. I am so determined and I recognised will power wasn’t quite enough on its own.

I am seeing the benefits already. I don’t smell of smoke, my sense of smell is much much better, and I do not have yellow fingers. After not smoking for two days I did a Fitness DVD and was surprised how much more breath I had. I was able to go quite high impact. They say 3 days, 3 weeks and 3 months are the most difficult times with giving up and I’ve got over the 3 day barrier. I will keep you posted how I progress through the weeks.

I'm back

2008-06-01T06:59:00.000-07:00

I’m back again! I haven’t been keeping up with my blog, as my Dad was admitted to hospital where unfortunately he died. It all still seems unreal, but I’m finally getting my focus back, after all we are the living and need to make the most of life. My Dad only had one functioning lung most of his life due to curvature of the spine, and it was pneumonia along with kidney and heart failure that got him in the end. Due to this I am now more determined than ever to give up smoking for my Dad, as well as for me.

I have brought a Paul Mckenna book with a hypnosis CD which I have to listen to every day. My brother’s girlfriend, Bridget, used the same book and CD and hasn’t smoked since the 1st of May, so I hope it will help me too. I’ve set the date for 3 weeks after the funeral which is the Wednesday after next.

With everything that’s been going on, I’ve not been watching what I eat or taking exercise until this week. So I was really surprised when I weighed myself yesterday and found I had lost 5lbs since last the last time I’d weighed I am now 9st 6lbs. I was really expecting to have put on weight. As I am now underweight my first thought was I could treat myself to a fried breakfast. However if I am successful with not smoking again I will probably put on these few pounds. I don’t want to get too thin.

I started doing exercise DVD’s again and have also got back to swimming with my friend Rach. Yesterday we swam a quarter of a mile (48lengths) in 50 minutes. Starting off swimming after a bit of a break it seemed like hard work, but as I carried on it got easier and easier.

Anyway it’s only a quick update as I’m off to enjoy a Roast dinner at friends. I will keep you posted with how the no smoking goes.

New me, An over due update

2008-04-12T06:50:00.000-07:00

Ok Ok I know its been a while since my last blog, however I haven’t managed to keep up with not smoking, and have avoided admitting that to you all. I managed a week and a half, and then found myself in an emotional mess, I was mega sensitive and spent the Thursday crying all day, and then I had a ciggy. Since then I have smoked a few cigarettes every day, but have not got back to smoking as many as I did.

I have now got a nicotine replacement inhalator, to help me try to quit again on Monday. I was really shocked how violent the withdrawal symptoms were, especially as I actually managed to get nicotine completely out of my system. I am very disappointed, but I’m not beating myself up.

The exercise and the healthy eating are going great though. In the Easter holidays, with extended swimming sessions, I managed to swim a mile twice. The second time it only took me an hour and fifteen minutes to swim the 64 lengths. When I first started swimming in January it took an hour to swim half a mile.

I had, as you may know, reached a plateau with weight loss and have remained about 10st for a few months. I am very happy with this weight, but I didn’t want to put on weight when I gave up smoking so I started taking Kelp in the mornings (which can boost the metabolism). I don’t know whether it is down to the Kelp, because I can’t think of anything different I have done this week, but I am now 9st11lbs meaning I have lost 4lbs in a week. I will be quite happy to put that back on again when I give up smoking.

Anyway it’s a mixture of good news and bad news. Hopefully next time I post an update I will be smoke free again. I am determined; I loved not smelling of smoke, and not having yellow fingers. I was breathing much easier, my skin looked great, and my eyes were much clearer. I will get there again.

New 'non smoking' me

2008-03-18T05:50:00.000-07:00

This is an extra posting, as on Friday I went to the cash point and it wouldn’t let me have any money. So by Sunday my tobacco had run out, and I decided it was therefore a good time to bite the bullet, and give up smoking.

On Sunday I did have a ciggy in the morning as I was finishing off my tobacco, and the day wasn’t too bad. I felt on edge and restless and couldn’t relax, but it was nothing like what would hit me on Monday.

Yesterday (Monday) was a real trial, I never realised how bad nicotine withdrawal is. I had given up for 11 years before, but when I gave up I was really ill with pleurisy, and this had obviously masked the withdrawal. As it was a quick decision due to lack of money I couldn’t get to a chemist to get patches, and I really wanted to try without, as nicotine is out of your system in 2 days. In preparation I finished my book, and wrote out notes which I’ve posted around the flat.

Today I am pleased I didn’t get patches as nicotine is now out of my system, but after yesterday I can completely understand why so many people opt for them. So how can I explain yesterday? Like ‘a cat on a hot tin roof’ would be a good comparison. I couldn’t stay still, and I couldn’t focus or concentrate on anything. If anyone talked to me, I would look at them as if I was listening, but their words literally went over my head. I went from having an extremely overwhelming urge to cry, which I did uncontrollably quite a lot during the day, to running around the house not actually getting anything together, and feeling really angry (which is quite unlike me).

I would not recommend driving while withdrawing from nicotine! I never get road rage, but I wanted to run my car into somebody yesterday, it didn’t matter who it was. There was a woman walking along beside her friend, but she was walking on the road, and I was thinking ‘how dare she walk on the road’ and had an overwhelming urge to run into her. Funny thing is along that road I don’t often walk on the pavement either. My anger and rage was completely irrational and all consuming.

Everything I had mislaid came into my mind yesterday, and I spent hours looking for lost items. I did find my hairbrush, but by the time I found it everyone knew that is would cost about £20 to replace it. I had so much nervous energy I could have really cleaned the place up if it wasn’t for the fact I couldn’t focus or concentrate on anything. All in all it wasn’t a nice day. I felt like there was something really missing, although I had previously not smoked for 11 years, so I knew I didn’t miss smoking for most of that period. I yo-yoed between hysterical tears, irrational anger and being completely manic and hyper.

In the evening I met Rach for a swim, and as I swam, although I still had lots of nervous energy, I started to feel slightly less stressed. I was able to talk and listen (which I hadn’t been able to do during the day), and did not feel like killing any swimmers who got in my way. Swimming is definitely a great stress reliever. I swam 42 lengths. I was pleased we had met up, as I could weigh myself at the start of my quitting smoking attempt. I lost a 1lb and am now 10st. As I’ve said before I like the weight I am now, and I’m going to try my hardest not to put any weight on.

In the book ‘Free yourself from smoking’ it says most people put on between 5lbs and 10lbs when they stop smoking, which is down to a number of factors. One is that the metabolic rate does slow a bit, which hopefully I am counteracting with my increased exercising. The other reasons are your appetite does increase and that people often replace ciggies with snacks. As I’m still calorie counting I can make sure if I snack, I am snacking on low calorie foods and keeping within my daily limit.

It has been difficult losing the weight I have lost. I have been exercising almost every day, and eating on average 1500 calories a day, but still only losing weight very gradually. I still think my thyroid isn’t working as well as it should be, and my metabolic rate is slower than it should be. My ideal scenario would be to stay the weight I am and not put any weight on, but this does seem unlikely. Only time will tell if I can achieve this. Watch this space!

New me, Week 9/10

2008-03-14T04:17:00.000-07:00

It’s just a quick posting today. On Friday last week, Rach wasn’t very well, so I went swimming on Saturday instead, and as it was quiet I kept swimming after I had done half a mile, and managed to swim ¾ of a mile. I was very chuffed with myself. As I said in the last posting, I hadn’t been exercising as much as I thought I should be, and the past couple of weeks I’ve rectified that. I’m now doing an exercise DVD 3 times a week.

As I’ve said before it takes 6 weeks for something to become a habit, and I think exercise is definitely a habit now. It takes 6 months however for it to become part of your lifestyle, and I need to keep going for another 3 ½ months before I get to that stage. It does seem more likely now that I will stick with this healthy lifestyle.

As Rach is now without a car, I’m not meeting her for swimming today, so I’m swimming in Wadebridge instead. The only problem with Wadebridge is there is no weighing machine, so I’m unable to know if I’ve managed to get past 10 stone 1. Hopefully next week I will be able to check on my weight.

I’ve also just finished a great book, and have consciously decided not to start another novel until I have finished my ‘Free yourself from smoking’ book. So I’ve now read another couple of chapters, and will be setting a date soon. I can’t keep putting it off, and I know I need the psychological support the book can give me.

Although I don’t know if I’ve lost any weight, I’m still on track and its been another successful couple of weeks.

New me, Week 7/8

2008-03-04T12:56:00.000-08:00

Well it seems like I’ve reached a plateau; I’m still 10st 1, which I’ve been for a few weeks now. I believe it’s normal to reach a weight you can’t seem to get past, however I have also had a few not so good days calorie wise, mainly due to socialising with friends and drinking wine. Again alcohol is what adds the calories, as I am eating really healthily within my calorie limit. Also the past few weeks, either Rach or I haven’t been able to make a Monday swimming, so I’ve only been swimming once a week.

On a positive note I brought myself a pair of jeans this week as there was a sale on (they were a bargain at £7). I picked out 3 pairs to try, 2 size 12s, and 1 size 10. The 12’s were too big, and the size 10s were a good fit around the legs, with a bit of spare space for growth around the waist. I was so chuffed. As the jeans I wear a lot, still have a bit of overhang above the waist, I didn’t think I’d gone down a dress size. After buying the size 10s I dug out some jeans I was wearing a year and a bit ago, that I had put away because I couldn’t fit into them, and they fit me again.

I am very happy with the weight I am now, and would say it’s my ideal weight. However I want to lose more so I can afford to put on some pounds when I give up smoking. On the smoking front I have consciously cut down, and one night last week I had my last cigarette at 7.45.

I’ve had a busy few weeks, and the exercising has suffered a bit. I have been doing an exercise DVD twice a week, which is less than I was doing. I am going to try to up this, to at least 3 sessions a week, even if one of those sessions is only 20 minutes. I do think the reason I feel happy with my body at the moment is not only due to the weight loss, but also due to feeling more toned because of the exercise. This would explain why I am feeling better about my body now, than I was a couple of weeks ago, when I was the same weight.

Feeling healthier, on the whole I feel is having an effect on my state of mind, and I am feeling more positive and less likely to feel down about how I look.

New me. Week 6 review.

2008-02-20T13:41:00.000-08:00

Well I’ve made it for 6 weeks! I weighed myself on Friday and I’m 10.1 stone, which means a loss of 13lbs in 6 weeks. I am really chuffed. But what I want to know is; why if I’ve lost almost a stone, have I not gone down a dress size? I didn’t initially think I needed to lose more than half a stone, however I am purely interested in how my clothes fit, and I am still not satisfied. I wanted to get back to when my jeans etc were a comfortable fit, which was a year and a half ago, and I had estimated half a stone would do it. I am still a few pounds off getting to that point, which suggests I had put on more weight than I thought.

In comparison my daughter Megs, who is 15, has not watched what she’s been eating, but has started going out more and doing a lot of walking, and has clothes she brought new at Christmas time that are now too big for her. She’s eaten different meals than me for many years, as we have different tastes. Her favourite meal is Jacket potatoes and tuna and sweet-corn, and she eats fairly healthily, but when she stays in she eats more and will snack a lot. Reflecting on Megan’s weight loss, reinforces the idea that a healthy weight can be maintained with a combination of diet and exercise.

I am so chuffed for Megan, as she’s been bigger than her friends for many years, and it’s definitely affected her self esteem. Even though she’s only been a size 16, she wasn’t happy with her weight, and as an emotional eater the more she felt bad about it the more she would eat. Since buying her jeans and finding them too big after six weeks, she knows managing her weight is achievable.

Anyway I am still wearing the same jeans. I have also had success with my vital measurements. Back at the beginning my measurements were:
Boobs 37inches, Waist 32½inches and Hips 40inches.
Now they are:
Boobs 37inches, Waist 31½inches and Hips 38 inches.

I’ve lost 2 inches off my hips, which is amazing, and 1 inch around my waist. I’m quite happy with not losing inches around the top.

What I wanted to achieve was:
Lose at least half a stone
Exercise at least twice a week
Give up smoking

I have achieved the first goal, and as I’ve said I will carry on till my jeans are comfortable. On the whole I have achieved the second goal too. I wasn’t able to exercise when I was ill for a week and a bit, and don’t feel exercise has become a habit yet. Apart from being ill and missing a couple of sessions, I have been swimming a mile most weeks. I love it, I can have a really awful day and then I get into the water and my stresses melt away for a while. I would recommend it to anyone. I’ve also been doing exercising DVD’s, and have alternated between aerobics and conditioning exercises. I have been able to feel the exercises working, and feel fitter.

I have not achieved the third goal. It probably is an excuse but when I was ill for a week, it set me back, as I wasn’t able to do the full 4 weeks, without having to stop exercise. The exercise is important as it should get my metabolism working faster, before I stop smoking. But then that’s what the book I’m reading says, that we make excuses not to give up. I’m not going to beat myself up, but I know I need to pull my finger out. I will make a conscious effort to make my way through my book until I get to chapter 12 on how to quit. I’ve just worked out I’ve read 4 novels, while I’ve also had the ‘Free yourself from smoking’ book on the go.

On the whole I’m really pleased with my progress. I am eating really well. I am getting my 5 fruit and vegetables a day. I am drinking a couple of pints of water a day, and generally feel much healthier.

New me, Week 4/5

2008-02-09T04:24:00.000-08:00

I don’t really know how successful I was in week 4, as I’ve not been able to weigh myself due to the sports centre scales being out of order. I kept on track with keeping under the calorie count and managed to exercise 4 days.

I wasn’t able to exercise on the Thursday and Friday as I had a bad back, and thought it would be counter productive.

My daughter Tamsin came to stay at the weekend and brought a Joanna Hall exercise DVD she no longer wanted. On the Saturday, as my back was feeling better, I gave it a go. The aerobics and exercises were slightly different than Rosemary Conley’s, and good fun to do, and definitely designed to produce results.

I am feeling fitter and able to do more exercising than I could at the beginning of this new healthy living regime.

However I’ve taken a backward step this week, as I’ve had a cold and chesty bug. I’ve not been able to do any exercise as I’ve been feeling so ill. I’m so annoyed, as I said before it takes 6 weeks for something to become a habit, and I’ve done 4 weeks of exercise and then had to stop. I’m wondering if I will have to start again when I’m feeling better, will I find my fitness levels are back where I started? Whatever happens, I know there is nothing I can do about it, I couldn’t help getting ill so I just have to make the most of it and get back on track as soon as I can.

I’ve just written an article on Body Image for my Jax writers spot blog, where I wrote about exercise compulsion, and I can see how easy it is to fall into this trap. I feel guilty for not being able to exercise, although I know I shouldn’t. I’ve also imagined my stomach has got bigger, and I’m feeling sure I haven’t managed to lose any weight this week. To counteract this I’m challenging myself, by telling myself I managed to lose weight the past few weeks, so even if I’ve had this setback I can still do it again.

I’m still full of cold, and I think I’m at the stage where I’m sweating it out, although I think the chestiness of the bug will stay with me for longer. I hope to get back to my plan as soon as possible, but I’m not going to exercise until I feel better. As long as I don’t put weight on, I’ll be happy.

New me, Week four, part one.

2008-02-05T13:47:00.000-08:00

My month review is postponed till next week (when it will become a five week review), for two reasons:

1/ the scales at the sports centre were out of order.
2/ I went swimming last night, and as I was driving back I felt my nose tickle, and this morning I had a full on head cold.

When I’m feeling better I’ll write a review of week 4, and next week I’ll review any progress so far.

But for now I’m off to bed with a hot lemon and honey. Hope to be back to health soon.

New me Week three.

2008-01-29T04:25:00.000-08:00

After saying last week how much more confident and happy I was feeling, I found myself having a low week last week. As I seem to be feeling better now, I’ve put it down to being my time of the month, and the full moon. I still managed to keep on track and lost another 2lbs. I’m now 10st 6lbs. The weight is coming off steadily which I am pleased about.

I’m enjoying the exercise especially the swimming, and on Monday I swam 32 lengths (half a mile) and on Friday I did 34 lengths. I did the Rosemary Conley DVD a couple of times in the week and I’m finding it’s getting easier and easier.

Another aspect of my healthy lifestyle which is getting easier is creating nutritious meals which are fairly low calorie. As I’m getting into the swing of calorie counting, I am concentrating on ensuring my diet is balanced and nutritious. For example, for breakfast instead of having toast every day, I’m trying to have something different on alternate days. One breakfast I’m enjoying is Oats and Yogurt to which I add a handful of summer fruit berries (which can be brought frozen and taken out of freezer the night before) and a tsp of hemp seeds.

In the first few weeks as I was getting used to calorie counting, for dinners and lunches, I was eating lots of soups and salads. Now I’m experimenting more, I have been eating a variety of meals from stir-fries to Quorn mince bolognaise. Quorn is a great filler, and is low in fat and calories, it can bulk out any meal and help you feel fuller for longer. As I’m becoming more experimental, I am finding I am eating lots, but still coming in under 1500 calories a day.

I’ve also read a couple of chapters of my stop smoking book. I am already smoking a lot less than I was. As I said last week, it takes 6 weeks for something to become a habit, so I’ve decided when I’ve done six weeks I will give up smoking. I think this will be a good time to tackle the smoking, as hopefully I would have lost enough weight to be able to put a little bit of weight back on, and the healthy eating will be established enough not to overeat instead of grabbing a ciggy.

So it’s been another successful week. Next week I will do the first months review, and see if I’ve lost any inches off my vital measurements.

New me, Week 2.

2008-01-22T01:57:00.000-08:00

It’s been another successful week. I weighed myself, after swimming half a mile, on the sports centre scales last night and I’d lost another 2lbs. It’s not coming off as quickly as the first week, but I expected it to slow down.

After getting my Rosemary Conley DVD in the post on Monday, I’ve done 30 minutes of exercise every other day, and on Saturday I did the whole hour workout. I know I had said I wouldn’t start exercise until I was a few weeks in, however this was mainly because I thought I wouldn’t manage it. I have actually enjoyed the exercise and can feel the results. I do realise this exercise may affect my weigh ins, as exercise can build muscle which weighs more than fat.

However my jeans are not tight any more, and that is what I wanted to achieve. The differences in myself, since starting this healthy living regime, are probably more significant than my weight loss. I am feeling so much happier; and in the two weeks I have only had one low day. I have felt happier with my body and have become more confident as a result.

I treated myself this week by buying some new clothes. One of my local charity shops was having a clear out and all the clothes were a pound. I tried on a pair of pink cords, which were too tight, but I brought them anyway, knowing in a couple of weeks they should be a comfortable fit. I also brought a jumper dress, in the sale at Tesco’s, which is quite figure hugging. I wouldn’t have been seen dead in a dress that showed off my figure a few weeks earlier, as my body was a constant source of distress for me. I was more likely to hide behind baggy clothes.

I also have lots more energy. Instead of staying in bed with a coffee in the morning, I have woken up and got up right away. I’ve managed to get more done in a day. Before the idea of fitting in exercise seemed an impossibility, due to feeling so low and having little energy. Another significant change has been my bowel movements (which you may not want to hear about but I feel is an important change). Previously they were often quite loose, which I put down to anxiety, however now they are normal. Overall I just feel so much healthier than I did before.

Calorie wise I have stayed under 1400 calories most days, apart from Wednesday when I went to the Open Mic and had some drinks at the pub, and Saturday when I opened a bottle of wine. Both days I still kept under 1800 calories. This goes to show how much alcohol adds calories to your daily allowance.

I haven’t read any of my stop smoking book, as I’ve been reading a Joanne Harris book instead. As I finished Joanne Harris last night I aim to pick up the stop smoking book this week. However without thinking about it I have cut down on smoking. My tobacco is lasting me longer, and I think as I’m feeling healthier I’m not reaching for the ciggies as much.

So overall it’s been another successful week, and probably more importantly I’m enjoying my new healthy way of life. I just need to keep it going. It takes around 21 days for new activities to become a habit, and 6 months for them to become part of a lifestyle. I need to keep going, so the changes do become part of my lifestyle. Stopping exercising and calorie counting now would probably see me gain everything I’ve lost and more.

New me Week one

2008-01-16T03:54:00.000-08:00

The first week has gone great. I knew I was right to throw myself into it. Previously, when I have just calorie counted, I haven’t had the results, but this time around I’m seeing results already.

After my swimming on Monday, my muscles didn’t ache the next day. However Tuesday was a really stressful day, and I ended up drinking some wine in the evening bringing my calorie count to around 1800, 800 calories up on Monday. I am determined not to give up altogether if I have a bad day, so I started Wednesday feeling positive.

Wednesday I consumed around 1000 calories, and learnt the Lambrini. I had seen the Lambrini dance on an advertisement on the television, and found a step by step guide of how to dance it on www.dothelambrini.co.uk. I probably danced around 30 minutes in all, and felt quite breathless. I did drive to Tesco’s though, which I could have walked, as its only 10 minutes away and I wasn’t getting much shopping.

In the evening as I looked at my diary I noticed I hadn’t eaten breakfast which is an easy trap for dieters to fall into. Much research has been done which suggests skipping breakfast can starve the body of nutrients, and prompt it to store more of lunches and dinners as fat. A study done by the University of Massachusetts concluded you are 450% more likely to be overweight by not eating breakfast.

Thursday my legs ached from the Lambrini the day before, which showed a fun dance was a good exercise. I also found I had lots of energy, and was feeling really enthusiastic about getting fit. I couldn’t wait to write things in my book. I realised I hadn’t been adding in coffee in my calorie count, which I rectified. Reviewing the week I realised apart from Tuesday, I was only consuming around 1000 calories, and decided I ought to be eating between 1200 and 1600 calories if I didn’t want to fall into the Yo Yo dieting trap, so I had 1300 calories that day.

I’ve been eating well all week. I start off with Rye bread (wheat free) toast and reduced fat houmous, as I believe carbohydrates are important first thing. So many diets suggest fruit for breakfast, however this can send blood sugar levels rising, and the energy from it is used quickly, often leading to feeling tired and hungry again mid morning. Complex carbohydrates release their energy slowly and will keep you going for longer.

For lunch I have had anything from salads to soups or oats and yogurt and fruit. Similarly for dinner I’ve had chicken salads, soups or something home-cooked such as roasted vegetables, or bolognaise with salad. I have kept all my portions small. Within my calorie count, I have eaten fruit as between meal snacks or ½ a 9bar which is a mixed seed bar (again good for slow energy release). I’ve felt quite satisfied and eaten when I’ve been hungry, and as the weeks gone on it’s got easier.

Feeling so enthusiastic on Thursday I searched for a calories burnt calculator and found a good one at www.ivillage.com. To get to it click on ‘diet’ top of the home page, and then click on ‘Calories burnt Calculator’ on the right. You put in your weight, the duration of the activity and what it was and they calculate how many calories you have burned.

Friday I was at my laptop most of the day, but met up with my friend, Rach for swimming in the evening. On the Monday I had done 24 lengths (which is 2 over a third of a mile), and I decided I would do 26 this time. However when I had done 26 I thought I’d do a couple more, and then realised it was only 6 more and I would have swam half a mile. So in the end I swam 32 lengths (half a mile) and I was so chuffed. I was even more chuffed when I weighed myself on the scales at the sports centre again, (which I wasn’t going to do till Monday), and found I was 10st 11lbs, which means in 5days I have lost 3lbs in weight. Wow!

I do appreciate I probably won’t keep up this level of weight loss and it will probably start coming off slower, especially as I’ve decided on a minimum calorie intake as well as a maximum.

Saturday, however I felt quite hungry, and with wine in the evening my calorie count was 1739. I was disappointed, but I know I shouldn’t beat myself up if I have a slip up. Also I realised if I have a drink of wine in the evening I am more likely to have a snack. On a more positive note I did 20minutes of the Lambrini.

Sunday I did better. My count was 1452 calories which I was surprised about, as I had a roast dinner and had some wine.

Monday I got a Rosemary Conley fitness DVD through in the post and did 20 minutes fat burning in the morning. I like Rosemary Conley, and have used her DVD’s in the past. The moves are not too complicated and are easy to follow, and you definitely feel like you’ve had a workout, however slow you take it. In the evening I met Rach for swimming again, and at the beginning I didn’t think I would be able to swim as far this time, however before I knew it I had done half a mile again.

On weighing myself I had lost another pound. So after my first week I lost a quarter of a stone (4lbs). I now weigh 10st 10lbs. It was a very successful week. I didn’t however read any of my ‘Giving up smoking’ book, but I have been working hard on everything else, and won’t beat myself up for that. Once my healthy lifestyle is more established I can tackle the smoking then.

New Year New Me

2008-01-09T05:29:00.000-08:00

Every year I’ve said to myself; “this is the year I’ll get fit and healthy”. This year I mean it. After the Christmas period, and moving house I have put on around ½ a stone and my jeans, which were tight before, are now uncomfortable.

My want list is to:
Lose at least half a stone
Exercise at least twice a week
Give up smoking

It’s a lot to take on board, and goes against advice which suggests you should tackle one thing at a time. However knowing me, by throwing myself into this new way of life, I will stay motivated. Writing a diary to record my progress will keep me on track, and I will feel accountable to anyone who might read it. I know I have to set realistic goals, so I’ve started by getting myself an exercise book, in which I can record my efforts.

To lose weight, as well as exercising, I aim to calorie count. When I went to University I put on a lot of weight and after leaving I lost 3½ stone with calorie counting. One of the main disadvantages of this method is that initially it is very time consuming. When preparing meals all ingredients needs to be weighed, and the overall calorie content calculated. This is where the exercise book comes in, as at one end of the book I can write down the calories in meals I prepare, and at the other end I can record my daily food and calorie intake. After a while, this does become easier as I memorise the calorie content of the meals I eat regularly.

One advantage of the calorie counting method is that no food groups need to be cut out. Having been interested in, and built up quite an extensive knowledge of nutrition, I appreciate the importance of eating a balanced diet which ensures we get the vitamins and minerals we need to help our bodies work effectively. We need to include all the food groups in our diets including fats, carbohydrates, and protein. We need essential fatty acids, for example, to help maintain healthy weight levels as they help move stored fats from our adipose tissues, and carbohydrates are important for energy production. Any diet that cuts out any particular food group can be detrimental to our health.

Another advantage with calorie counting is that I will be cutting down my alcohol intake, which did increase over the Christmas period. By counting the calories of every drink, I am unlikely to allow myself to drink a whole bottle of wine, which supplies a wasted 510 calories.

Exercising regularly is also important for my new healthy way of living. I’ve decided to take up swimming again, and have hooked up with a friend who goes swimming twice a week. I met her for a swim on Monday, and swam 24 lengths which is just over a third of a mile. I would like to add a couple of lengths every week and eventually work up to swimming a mile. I recognise as I have been quite sedentary for quite a long time, I should build up the exercise slowly, and will add in an aerobics type exercise, as I start to feel fitter, hopefully in a month’s time.

Another way to build up my fitness is to ditch the car and walk more. I live 10 minutes from town, and because I have a big hill to climb, I often take the car. If I don’t have lots of shopping to carry, and its not pouring with rain, I now aim to walk it. I walked it yesterday, and when I got back my legs felt wobbly, which is an indication of how unfit I have got.

Giving up smoking is the scariest of my goals for many reasons. I like smoking and feel it will be the most difficult goal to achieve. I also don’t want to put on weight when I stop. Losing weight and exercising are both important preparations for the inevitable stop date. By getting used to a healthy eating plan, I hope I won’t be so inclined to overeat when I do give up smoking. By exercising, as well as getting fitter, I hope to raise my metabolic rate, so I am burning calories more efficiently when I stop.

I know I need to stop. I have asthma, have had recurring pleurisy, and my doctor says I’m a classic emphysema case waiting to happen. Even though I’ve given up before, (I didn’t smoke for eleven years), I know I need all the help I can get so I’ve started reading a self help book. ‘Free Yourself from Smoking’ by Dr Kristina Ivings takes a three pronged approach, addressing the physical addiction, psychological dependence and the habit of smoking. The majority of the book deals with the way we think about smoking, why we smoke, the pitfalls we come across when trying to stop, understanding withdrawal, and doesn’t get to How to quit till chapter 12. When I am there I will set a date. Hopefully as I get fitter the urge to give up will also increase.

Anyway, I’ve now set my goals and I’ve committed myself to getting and staying fit and healthy. I will write weekly to record my progress which will include my successes and failures, what worked for me and what didn’t, and a summary of weight loss and fitness levels. In order to see measurable results I have recorded vital measurements below. It will be interesting to see if I can achieve any loss on any of these.

At the start of my new healthy lifestyle Monday the 7th of January
I weigh 11 stone
My BMI is 24.80 (approximated by scales at Sports centre)
Vital measurements Boobs 37inches, Waist 32½inches and Hips 40inches.

Taking a break

2007-12-02T04:20:00.000-08:00

I haven’t forgotten about blogging, I’ve been up to my neck in boxes, as I’m moving house this week. When I move I will be offline for up to three weeks, while the connection is sorted again. Therefore I’m just posting a note to say, I’m taking a break and will be back in a few weeks.

Half term Halloween fun

2007-11-02T05:12:00.000-07:00

With Halloween approaching and a fair few of my friends dressing up to go out on Wednesday, I decided to make an outfit. I had a black top which I had fabric painted with cobwebs already, and a beady cobweb mask I had made, so I set out to make a cobweb skirt to go with it. I brought some interfacing and drew cobwebs all over it and cut them out, leaving a band at the top so I could tie it round me like a sarong.

Tuesday the Achilles tendon in my ankle was suffering from shooting pains and I couldn’t walk on it easily, so I almost dismissed the idea of going out. However on Wednesday after going round to face paint a friend of mine, I got into the spirit of the night a bit more. So at the last minute, I took some painkillers, dressed up and went down to town.

Being a Wednesday, it was the open mic night and lots of people were out. I saw a couple of really good friends I hadn’t seen for ages and it was great to catch up. Before I’d had too many drinks I got up and sang a song (Sweet bride by Kate Rusby), that I had been practising. I had sung a few times, but I get so nervous and I find I’m shaking when I get off the stage. Although I still felt shaky when I got off, I felt more confident up there this week, and my confidence was portrayed in my voice. I quite often sing with my eyes closed, but this time I had my eyes open for some of it. Afterwards I had lots of people coming up and saying I sounded really good, so I was really pleased, and of course it was good for my ego.

My skirt didn’t fair so well. As I had cut it out of interfacing a couple of the cobwebs were pulled off while getting on and off chairs. However I kept them, and as I’m off to a ‘fright night’ party tonight, I set about remaking it. I was going to buy some white netting, make a skirt, and iron the interfacing onto that, but then I remembered in a bag of jumble there was a white skirt my daughter was throwing out. So I ironed the cobwebs onto it and cut them out leaving the waistband at the top. Not only does it look really good now (much better than a netting skirt would look), it’s also stronger and I’ll have it for Halloween another year. At some point, in the next week, I will post photo’s of my outfit up on my ‘my space’.

I’m looking forward to some more Halloween fun tonight, and I am hoping to catch up with another bunch of friends I haven’t caught out socially for ages. It’s been a half term of Halloween fun.

Where does the time go?

2007-10-24T15:50:00.000-07:00

Where does the time go? I can’t believe it’s been so long since I last posted a blog. Yesterday, while I was writing an article that I needed to finish for the Wednesday posting on my ‘Jax writers spot’ blog (see my links), I checked in with my space, as I often do whenever I feel like a quick break. The only problem was I got the most attention I had ever received on ‘my space’. I had loads of messages from people I didn’t know, including a fair few declarations of love which I now just delete, and I had around 20 friend requests. I couldn’t understand it.

The article I was writing about hyperactivity in children and diet involved writing up studies etc, in an interesting readable fashion, and it needed a lot of my energy. In retrospect I should not have looked at my space, as in the end it became quite overwhelming.

Of all the requests I only added three friends. I’ve only been on ‘my space’ about 6 months and although I do want to make friends on my space, I don’t want to have pages of friends that are difficult for me and other people to wade through. I’m not the typical my spacer. A lot of the requests were from Music profiles and although I love music and have a fair few music friends, I don’t add too much music. I prefer to add music friends if I know them, or have seen them or have the opportunity to see them (i.e they are from my part of the country), or I really really like the music.

I also had a friend request from the Ingrams and I looked at their profile. Charles and Diane share the profile and I saw he was an author, however I recognised the name, and couldn’t remember from where. So I googled him and found they were the couple who had cheated on 'Who wants to be a millionaire'.

I also had requests from people/music groups, who had lots of friends who are young girls scantily clad in underwear. I am quite a political person and believe being constantly bombarded by ‘tits and arse’ does a lot to create problems with body image for women, causing low self esteem and possibly contributing to developing eating disorders. Not everyone is a size 10 (or should I say 0 now), women who may be a bit older, who don’t have such smooth skin, or have a bit of a fuller figure than these girls are still beautiful women. It’s what’s inside that counts, not how someone looks.

I feel the friends I have on ‘my space’ reflect me. So forgive me for being a bit selective. On a positive side I have met some lovely people on my space, and write regularly to a couple of women friends I have made. A fair few of my friends also log in each week and read my ‘Jax writers spot’ article and it quite often develops into a discussion about what I have written about. Although yesterday was a little overwhelming, it was also very amusing, and the positives of ‘my space’, for me, outweigh the negatives.

Jack of all trades Master of none

2007-10-12T12:58:00.000-07:00

Why do people say they are a jack of all trades and master of none as if it’s a negative quality? Being a jack of all trades, and not being particularly brilliant at any one thing, has a very negative press in today’s meritocratic competitive society, which demands we are the best at what we do, and doesn’t allow for second best.

However what being a jack of all trades means for me is that I’m interested in so many things. So I’m not going to be the best at anything, but I will enjoy everything I put my mind to. It’s not negative!

I sing at the open mic, I have a good voice and don’t sing out of tune, but I’m never going to make a living out of singing, I just enjoy it. I can also turn my hand to crafts and sewing, when my children were little I made their clothes. Recently I was passed a bag of corduroy trousers (in too big a size to wear) but I couldn’t throw them away, and ended up making a patchwork bag with them. I make my beady models, which I can never make a living out of, because they take so many hours to make but being creative with beads feeds my soul. I am a jack of all trades but a master of none and I’m proud of that.

Free Burma

2007-10-04T03:55:00.000-07:00

Troops in Rangoon opened fire on monks and their supporters on the bloodiest days of week long protests last week. Soldiers fired automatic weapons at protesters; the deaths came as thousands of protesters defied an increasingly violent government crackdown on public protests.

Burma is ruled by one of the most brutal military dictatorships in the world; a dictatorship charged by the United Nations with a “crime against humanity” for its systematic abuses of human rights, and condemned internationally for refusing to transfer power to the legally elected Government of the country – the party led by Nobel Peace Laureate Aung San Suu Kyi. Aung San Suu Kyi is now serving her third term of house arrest. She was arrested on 30 May, 2003 after the regime's militia attacked her convoy and killed up to 100 of her supporters.

Please show your support today. Sign a petition, write a blog, and get your voice heard. Log onto http://www2.free-burma.org/index.php?view=1

Writing is in my blood.

2007-10-03T15:50:00.000-07:00

I went out the other night and I had great friends around me, but I felt so alone. It was a fancy dress night for a friend’s birthday and I went as a tree, I had brought a dress which was too short, and I ended up sewing loads of leaves onto it for a festival fancy dress night in the summer, so I thought I’d wear it again (you can see a photo of my tree outfit on my ‘my space’ link on the right). I had a fair few drinks but it didn’t loosen me up. Even though the people around me included me so much, and I chatted with loads of people I felt so alone. The night illustrates where my head has been at for some time.

I’ve wanted to post a blog before, but I haven’t had much positive to say, I’ve not been in a good frame of mind for many weeks. I worry that maybe prospective publishers will read my ‘planet ug’ blog and think I might not manage to keep up and deliver. However suffering from depression doesn’t mean I can’t be a valuable member of society and deliver work when I need too. Truth is I do keep up and deliver. Even though I’ve been feeling life is hopeless, not worth the effort, and if it wasn’t for my kids and the fact I’m a coward (in that way) I could have given up, I have kept writing. I have done a lot of writing the past few weeks helping a friend with a media project, and I’ve delivered. I’ve made contacts for future articles, and I’ve carried on posting an article a week on my ‘Jax writers spot’ blog. Writing is in my blood and I believe I am good at it.

I wanted to be a journalist when I was at school, which an old friend of mine reminded me of the other day, and I didn’t follow it because I didn’t believe in myself, I didn’t believe I could do it. I was steered by my parents and careers advisors (of which I was one for many years) to go towards a less ambitious caring type of job. As much as I love my Mum and Dad, when I suggested I wanted to do an Open University degree at 20something, my Mum said she didn’t think I was clever enough, so instead I did some GCSE’s. 10 years later I went to University and got a first. I know I can do it. I got a first because I am a good researcher, I can tune in with what people want me to produce, and I am motivated and interested in what I’m researching, which enables me to produce the goods. Put your trust in me and I will deliver.

We are free, Be merry

2007-09-27T03:34:00.000-07:00

It’s been a busy and rather stressful week and a half since I last blogged. My ex husband Mark who decided he wasn’t going to come down after I said I didn’t want him staying here, did come down in the end. I knew he wouldn’t fork out for bed and breakfast so the compromise was I disappeared for the weekend while he came down. Luckily I had the opportunity to stay at a friend’s caravan while he was away.

Mark came down on the Friday, and on the Saturday I drove Tamsin to Exeter to her new house, ready for the 2nd year at Uni. It took 2½ hours to drive up, due to getting caught in slow traffic. The house is great, she sharing it with 3 girlfriends and they had already made their mark on the place. One of the girls had done drawings of all of them, and there was one waiting for Tamsin to put up on her chosen kitchen cupboard. I made better time driving back and got back around four.

On Sunday morning and I got a text from Megs saying ‘Dads gone we need bread milk and toilet roll’. Typical I thought, this is why I’m wiping my hands of him; he had stayed all weekend helped himself to food, but had not gone out and brought anything that had run out. Instead of buying Megan the camera she needed for GCSE work he had brought her his old one, which is good but I have to buy an attachment so we can load photos onto the computer. After not contributing financially towards Megan’s keep for so long, he gave her £20! Whoopee do!

On Monday it was back to normality, and I was able to get on with some writing. I’ve been helping a friend out who is producing a media project for the Port Elliot Literary festival, and needed to get on with writing up the talks I had seen there. One of the talks I had been most eager to see was Tom Hodginson; founder and editor of the ‘Idler’, who was talking about the history of Anarchism. He wasn’t the best of speakers and it didn’t flow particularly well, but the content of the talk was very interesting. I started writing it up and after two days I think I had got it to flow. At the end of his talk he read out his ‘Freedom manifesto’ he had written for his book ‘How to be free’ which I had got on the Dictaphone very clearly. I suggested to my friend it would be great to have a link to the sound recording on her media project. Anyway here it is:

“Death to the supermarkets
Bake bread
Play the ukulele
Open the village hall
Action is futile
Quit moaning
Make music
Stop consuming
Start producing
Back to the land
Smash usury
Embrace beauty
Embrace poverty
Hail the chisel
Ignore the state
Reform is futile
Anarchy in the UK
Hail the spade
Hail the horse
Hail the quill
Love thy neighbour
Be creative
Free your spirit
Dig the Earth
Make compost
Life is absurd
We are free
Be merry”

PS. Look out for the full article on Jax writers spot blog in the next couple of weeks (link on the right of this page)

Atonement

2007-09-16T15:07:00.000-07:00

I’ve been to see Atonement today at the Cinema. It wasn’t what I expected, or as good as I expected it to be. It was however very emotionally powerful, and the cinema-photography was absolutely top notch, and I loved how it played around with time. It showed an event as seen through one character and then shows it again as seen through another character. It was successful in portraying how people’s perspectives can be completely different, upon witnessing the same event, and how judgements and conclusions can be made.

However I expected more from it, it didn’t have that element that had you constantly thinking what’s going to happen next. It was actually quite boring in places. It failed to draw me in. Anyone who’s seen the advertisement for it probably knows the lead man (Robbie) gets accused of something unfairly. After that happens the film, I think, loses it’s identity. They seemed to forget the story and only want to deliver the message of how crap it was for soldiers in France in the 2nd world war, of which they did a faultless job. In doing this they lost the essence of the film, which was the love between Robbie and Cecilia.

In conclusion I would say go and see Atonement at the cinema to see the amazing cinema-photography but don’t expect much else.

Confucius says:

2007-09-13T14:49:00.000-07:00

"If you look into your own heart, and find you have nothing to worry about. What is there to fear?"

I've had enough

2007-09-08T10:11:00.000-07:00

I am so angry! It’s probably not a good time to do a posting. I’m giving up on my useless ex husband. I don’t care if I never see him again in my life. All I ask is he gives a bit of money towards Megan, to help pay for stuff like clothes, things she needs for school etc. I asked him if he could help pay for her camping holiday this year as I couldn’t afford it on my own, and he said he would but didn’t.

He didn’t even get her or Tamsin and Alice, a Christmas or birthday present, and I end up paying for everything. I sold the family home because he wanted money, and I wanted to stop the constant phone calls hassling me. He’s spent all the left over money he had on travelling around the world, while I’m still paying out whenever any of them want anything. So today I get angry, it really is like talking to a brick wall. Does he not understand although Megs is here he is still jointly responsible for his children?

Trouble is as he’s in India most of the time now, there’s nothing I can do about it. If he was in this country, and they hadn’t seen him or seen any financial support, I would have approached the child support agency by now. I’ve had enough I’m wiping my hands of him. Over the past few years the kids have lost a lot of respect for their dad. Megan gets really upset, because she’s only seen him once this year and he was going to go back to India without coming down and seeing her again. It’s me that has to console her when she’s in tears because she thinks her dad doesn’t want to know.

Instead of me rushing around trying to get him to come down to see them, it’s now up to him and he can sort it out with them. I’ve had enough.

Normal blogging will now resume after the summer break.

2007-09-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

Although I spent a couple of hours baking in the sun on the beach today, it is still the end of the summer holidays. We’ve been to the last festival, and Megs is back to school on Thursday.

The Aeon festival was great, and the sun shone for the whole weekend. I would have gone home if it had rained after the last two mudbath festivals. It was small and intimate (I think they sold around 1400 weekend tickets) and it was easier to get chatting to people. The bands I saw were great including Evie Vine and Obedient Bone. They had an exhibition with some amazing art, and a farm shop selling some lovely organic food and drinks.

One of the highlights for me was the bookcycle stall where you say the price. Bookcycle raise money to send books to schools in poverty stricken areas of Africa by selling books. What a brilliant idea. They were situated in a marquee type tent at the top of a field with amazing views, and they had armchairs and cushions in so you could just sit there and read

I had taken a few beers and some gin and tonic, and although they had a bar, I only spent £30 all weekend. £15 of that was in the farm shop, £3 was spent on a present and we also got 7 books between us for which I paid at least a pound each. It was great value for money.

It was great to spend time with Alice, my daughter, who lives with her boyfriend in a flat in town. She is 18 and has two jobs to pay all her bills etc, so I hardly get to spend time with her. Only problem was she is not used to spending time outside, and it was so sunny on Saturday, she got sunburnt and spent the evening feeling unwell, shivering but hot.

Now the summer holidays are over I need to get on the case with writing and need to try and sell my writing, as well as working on my book. There are no excuses any more. Normal blogging will now resume.

Another mudbath weekend

2007-08-22T12:18:00.000-07:00

I think I’m getting too old for this camping lark. This weekend my friend Rach and I made our way up to Beautiful Days festival near Exeter. The Friday went really well. Last year we arrived there about 10 and spent over an hour in a queue to get in, this year we left later and there was no queue. We got in found our friends and set up camp in the dry. We wandered in to the main area, and went to get a drink and got served right away, even when we went to get food we didn’t have a wait. It seemed like we were blessed.

We got right down the front for Mr Hudson and the library http://www.myspace.com/mrhudson and danced our socks off, and then caught Willy Mason http://www.myspace.com/willymason who rocked up some of his more chilled songs, and everyone sang along to Oxygen. He finished just in time to get to the main stage to see K.T.Tunstall, who was the first female to headline at Beautiful Days. She played songs from her last album and some of her new ones. I had thought she may not produce an album as good as the first, however the new songs rocked. She has so much energy and such a powerful voice, for me she was the highlight of the evening.

Afterwards we went to find the dance tent, which had moved so we went to the Tiny tea tent for some brandy hot chocolate, and ended up staying there all night chatting to lots of people. They were playing some great music and around 3 they started playing swing which was great fun. We got back to our tents at around 4 and I slept in till 3 on Saturday afternoon.

I knew Friday had been too good to last, Saturday it rained all day, and I’d left my wellies in the car. I wasn’t inspired to go wandering at all, I sat in my friend’s big tent and drank coffee, and eventually took the plunge to go and see Dreadzone http://www.myspace.com/gregdread. My shoes were really slippy and the whole time I was out I was having panic attacks and felt really tearful. After Dreadzone I decided I had to get back before it got dark so I missed Gogol Bordello who I was really looking forward to. I was disappointed with myself but I was very wobbly, and felt relieved when I made it back.

Sunday I was on a mission to enjoy myself, we retrieved our wellies from the car and I wandered in and had a look around the stalls. I was dead chuffed to find a leather embroidered tobacco pouch for £4. I hadn’t seen any of my friends who I knew were there, but in the afternoon I bumped into everyone. We got to the main stage for Babyhead http://www.myspace.com/babyheadbristol who were probably the best band I saw all weekend. They put on a great show. We spent all afternoon wandering and catching other acts, and headed back for half an hour to grab some more money and my gin and tonic ready for the evening out.

In the evening I mainly danced. I danced to the Samba band, a couple of Irish folk bands, and Afro Celt Soundsystem http://www.myspace.com/afrocelts who didn’t seem to be on for any time at all. And then danced in the Pussy parlour to some funky tunes, which wasn’t too crowded as the Levellers were also on. After the Levellers it became too crowded and I was a good girl and headed back to the tent.

All in all it was a fun weekend, although Saturday for me was a washout, I made up for it on the Sunday. Monday morning the heavens opened and totally soaked to the skin I packed up a dripping tent and Rach and I struggled up the hill with all our stuff. The car park was a field, and dotted all over the place were cars with their hazard lights on. There were also a couple of tractors zooming around and giving cars a tow to the lane.

I was able to change in the car, so I had dry clothes on, which was just as well as we were in the queue to get out for about an hour. We did get stuck once and just put our hazard lights on when the car behind gave us a push. The mud in some places was about 8 inches deep, and when we did finally get out the brakes weren’t too good. We got back around 3 and I jumped in the shower and then into bed and stayed there. I was absolutely shattered and I could feel my legs starting to ache from all the walking in mud and dancing over the weekend.

I have one more festival this weekend and if it wasn’t for the kids going I would have quite happily not gone. I didn’t want to face camping in the rain and mud again, but luckily it looks like its going to be hot. I so hope they’re right.

Up to my eye-balls in it

2007-08-14T14:06:00.000-07:00

It doesn’t seem like I’ve had a moment to relax the past couple of weeks, I’ve been up to my eye-balls in it. I’ve had so much writing to do; I’ve still got writing to do about the Port Elliot festival, and have had an article for Vitality Matters to write (which I finished today), as well as keeping up with my weekly magazine blog. I’m getting lots out there, and now I just need to get paid. Another few weeks and I’m on the case.

On top of that I’ve been quite a social butterfly. I went to Falmouth for a night the other week and caught up with many of my lovely friends from Uni. It was great to catch up and I don’t know why I hadn’t made it down before. Ian’s mum, Josie, came down on holiday and I took her out for a day around the North Cornwall coast. I really like Josie and we had a lovely day. I’ve also been to the beach with Megs and her friends, not that I did much but lie down and catch the rays.

I’ve been so busy, on Saturday morning I woke up with a sense of dread when I realised Beautiful days is on this weekend. It all seemed very overwhelming. Megs is off to a week camp with her Youth club on the Saturday, and I’m off on Friday, which needs a lot of organising. I’ve had to make sure someone is here for her on Friday and someone can pick her up to take her down on Saturday morning. I also need to pack for two separate trips. I haven’t done any packing yet, and I’m dedicating the day to sorting everything out tomorrow.

On top of everything, on Sunday, I was offered a ticket to do face painting at Beautiful days. A couple of years ago I would have grabbed at the chance, as I had face painted at fetes and parties and the chance to get into face painting at festivals would have been my dream. I could have sold my ticket and been quids in, but as I’ve been so snowed under, and really needed a break I turned it down.

I feeling more on top of it, now I’ve finished the article for Vitality, and it all seems more achievable. I am actually getting quite excited. There are some brilliant bands I want to catch, including K.T.Tunstall, Afro Celt Sound System, Mr Hudson and the Library, and Gogol Bordello. And they have a shit hot dance tent with music till the early hours. Party on! I just hope it doesn’t rain too much; some sunny days would be nice.

No doubt my next posting will provide all the details of how the weekend went.

The power of crystals.

2007-08-02T05:54:00.000-07:00

About two months ago I was feeling pretty low and I decided a bit of retail therapy was in order. When I was younger I had a couple of necklaces (one after the other) I would wear all the time, and I had in mind I wanted one again, one I could wear 24/7, and I wanted a crystal.

I was drawn to, and picked out a rainbow obsidian. After I had brought it I realised it was rainbow obsidian Ian had given me a year ago. A year ago when I was given it, I felt I couldn’t wear it; it was not right for me at the time. So I looked it up in ‘The crystal bible’ by Judy Hall (an inexpensive book for anyone interested in crystals).

Judy says obsidian:

“works extremely fast and with great power. Its truth-enhancing, reflective qualities are merciless in exposing flaws, weaknesses and blockages. Nothing can be hidden from obsidian…………….Obsidian impels us to grow and lends solid support while we do so.”

She suggests it is best used by qualified therapists as it can bring negative emotions to the surface, which needs to be dealt with. However it is also a very spiritually protective stone. Many people find its powerful effects overpowering and prefer a gentler stone. Reading the information on obsidian I felt I was ready for it at the time when I was drawn to it, but not a year earlier.

I wore it for a couple of months and I think it did bring a lot to light, which I dealt with. However I think wearing it for so long it ended up bringing me down and for the past few weeks I’ve been dealing with really horrible lows. At Maker at the weekend I got an amethyst pendant and on Saturday morning I put it on.

Yesterday (Wednesday) I read up on amethyst in Judy’s bible. Reflecting on changes in me since Saturday I was surprised to hear what the book said. I knew it was a good all-rounder, but what was said seems to suggest it is really the right crystal for me at the moment.

Amethyst is a natural tranquillizer, blocking stress. It has strong healing and cleansing powers and enhances spiritual awareness. It’s traditionally worn to prevent drunkenness, and has a:

“sobering effect on overindulgence”

On Saturday night I went out for a bit and had a good time but I wasn’t bothered about drinking, and I had two gin and tonics all evening.

Amethyst is also beneficial to the mind, as it can be calming or stimulating as required. It can bring restful sleep for people who suffer insomnia because of an overactive mind.

“Amethyst balances out highs and lows, promoting emotional centering, it dispels anger, rage, fear and anxiety……………Amethyst can stabilize psychiatric disorders but should not be used in cases of paranoia or schizophrenia.”

Since Saturday I have been feeling more positive. For the past few weeks the extra weight on my body has been really affecting me and bringing me down, and since the weekend I’ve been happier with my body. I’ve been focused and been able to get on with writing and keeping the house tidy. And (this is the biggy), I haven’t been anxious and fearful when I wake up.

Physically amethyst boosts production of hormones, and can boost the metabolism. It’s also cleanses the blood, and can be useful for healing dis-eases of the respiratory tract, and digestive system.

I will have to wait and see if any of the physical benefits come to fruition.

I do suffer from depression, however I am essentially a positive person, my outgoing persona was always happy Jacqui and although now sometimes I can’t hide how I feel, most of the time I can keep that persona up. I’ve always had a critical mind, I’ve always questioned everything, but I have reached a stage where I feel I need to accept some things I can’t explain. If I find something that works for me, I will believe in it. The belief in the crystal I’ve picked, is working for me at the moment, and I don’t want to shut my mind down to any spiritual influence in my life.

Maker Sunshine more like Maker Rain.

2007-07-29T14:14:00.000-07:00

Well I suppose with over 20 years of going to festivals it’s pretty good going that I went to my first completely wet weekend festival. It wasn’t looking good on Monday when my friend I was going with pulled out of going. She has lichen sclerosus (LS) see my article about her: http://www.lichensclerosus.org/sitemapandcontents.html. Unfortunately, this year her LS flared up again so with the amount of care it needs it was just not practical for her to come.

Luckily another friend (Alexis) who I hadn’t caught up with for ages was up for it and took the ticket. As I drove over on Thursday morning to pick her up from St Austell, there was torrential rain and floods on the roads. It didn’t bode well. Driving on the site was scary due to the car slipping and sliding on the mud. However as we were setting up the tents it stopped raining and we had a dry evening.

With all the organisation and driving I was absolutely shattered. So we saw a few bands and then I went back to the tent and listened to Babyhead playing on the main stage who were really good (some of their songs reminded me a bit of Chumba Whamba). I was really cold and couldn’t get warm despite having two sleeping bags and being fully dressed with a fleecy on.

As the sun hit the tent, Friday morning, I shed some layers and went back to sleep. Friday it more or less rained all day, we shopped a bit watched a few bands but spent a lot of the time in the tents. I started reading ‘The Dubliners’ by James Joyce, which is a selection of stories about Dubliners in the 1920’s (I think). By 8.30 I was ready to party and went down to see the 3daft monkeys (http://www.myspace.com/3daftmonkeys). As I walked in I saw some friends I hadn’t seen since beautiful days last year. Beautiful people I wish I saw more of. We all went onto see Obedient bone (www.myspace.com/obedientbone) who were absolutely brilliant. They were on at the 2nd stage and there was a lot more room to dance. We then went onto the bunkers, where the party happens after the bands, and danced to some rather un-banging dance music.

After a dance we sat in the café and apparently I was being chatted up but didn’t realise it. I had drunk lots of Gin and Tonic, and as I went to go somewhere (can’t remember where) I said to the bloke “you can keep chatting my friend up I’m just going ……..”(still can’t remember where). Anyway she told me in the morning it was me he was chatting up, which is very flattering as he was probably late twenties and I’m forty one.

Saturday was the same, dry for a bit in the morning until the rain set in for the day. We stayed down in the main area for a few hours and I caught up with some other good friends I hadn’t seen for ages. I have a fair few beautiful friends living near Callington and near Lostwithiel, and while I’ve been doing my course, I’ve not gone to any get togethers as they are normally full on party’s you need a couple of days to get over, and I’ve needed to stay focused. Hence this year it was so lovely to catch up with them again.

Then as the rain started and got worse we headed for the tent and stayed there till the evening. Whenever we went down to the main area the mud had got worse, and it was difficult to walk without falling over even if you were completely sober/straight, which lets face it not too many people are at a festival. However we did manage a bit of shopping again, the stalls there were filled with delights. I was very good, I didn’t spend too much. I brought a couple of gifts for my friends who lent us an extra tent, I brought Ian a bangle, I got Rachel (Megs friend whose birthday it was and was at the festival with us) a bracelet and I also got a voodoo doll t-shirt for a fiver.

The only thing I was really looking for was a crystal pendant and I had looked at a lovely amethyst pendant on Friday. It was £15 but as we approached the stall again Alexis said she would pay half as a thank you for inviting her to the festival and the driving. So I got it.

At about nine Megs started feeling sick and tucked herself up in the car. She had two friends with her who wandered off and kept coming back to check up on her. I sat in the car with her and we had a really good chat. The clock in the car was wrong, as I said I would stay until Alabama3 started playing, and we were still chatting away when I heard “Put you hands together for Alabama3”. I got down there before they finished their first song.

I was a little bit disappointed they were not as energetic as they normally are. In fact I’d go as far as saying they were laid back and more suitable for an early evening or early morning slot. But I still enjoyed their set. It was fancy dress night and I had made an outfit, which I wore. I was a tree. I had sewn and drawn leaves onto a little green dress, and a hat. Only about 5% of the people dressed up but the people who made an effort really did make an effort. There were some amazing outfits to see, including aliens, the mask, the clangers, ladybirds, and lots of fairies.

Sunday morning as my friends woke up early, who had come over for the Saturday, so did I. I managed to get 3tents taken down and packed up by 10.30. They were taking a load of my stuff back for me so I could fit Alexis and three fourteen year olds in my car. Although the sun had come out I’ve normally had enough by the Sunday, and we left about twelve. I had been so panicky about driving over the mud, and a friend drove the car until the hard standing for me, for which I was so grateful, I still hyperventilated as we were driving through it.

Despite the rain, it was a great weekend I saw lovely people who are close to my heart, saw some good bands, chilled when I wanted to and partied when I wanted to.

While I’ve been writing this post I’ve been listening to Feist http://www.listentofeist.com/ Check them out.

The power of now.

2007-07-23T01:43:00.000-07:00

With how I’ve been feeling the past week, I knew I had to do something about it, so I picked up The Power of now by Eckhart Tolle, which I’ve been meaning to read for ages.

The first chapter deals with learning to dis-identify with the mind. Enlightenment Tolle says is a state of wholeness, of being at one and at peace, and identifying with our thoughts can prevent enlightenment and make us feel separate from the world.

Thinking too much can be destructive. Thoughts are often concerned with the past and the future which is not helpful in the now, and creates a distorted view of the present. For example we may rehearse future situations and imagine negative outcomes (this is something I do a lot), or we may judge the present through the eyes of the past. Tolle says:

“Many people live with a tormentor in their head which continuously attacks and punishes them and drains them of vital energy.”

He suggests we try ‘watching the thinker’. By listening to our thoughts and recognizing repetitive patterns, we become a witness to our thoughts as an impartial person and no longer identify with them.

As some people become just as caught up in their emotions as much as their thoughts Tolle suggests we watch our emotions in the same way. Tolle puts forward that emotions are our body’s reaction to our mind. For example anger can be a reaction to an overactive mind. By watching our emotions in the same way as we watch our thoughts Tolle says:

“You can allow the emotion to be there without being controlled by it. You no longer are the emotion, you are the watcher, the observing presence.”

Last night I started watching my thoughts, and felt myself disassociating myself with them. It does work, at that moment my thoughts were no longer me, and as a result did not affect my emotions and mood. Its a simple exercise, which can have a dramatic affect. I have woken up today less fearful of the world and feeling more positive, although I still have a long way to go.

Hey, but then I wouldn't be me.

2007-07-22T12:50:00.000-07:00

I had a lovely day yesterday at the Literary festival, as well as catching some great talks I also found myself some new shoes, and bumped into some friends I hadn’t seen in ages. I had a phone call from Tamsin as she had found Yael (my sister in law) on Facebook. So in the evening I found her as well, and today was able to look at photo’s of her new baby girl, Jamie. It’s all good but I still feel like I’m going down. I feel very tearful, but can’t understand why, I had such a positive day yesterday, and I’ve got my first festival coming up next weekend.

I’m not excited about going to Maker at all, I just see it as a chore, and I have no motivation to start getting ready for it. It seems whenever I have a good day and feel happy I pay for it the next day and experience an awful low. I don’t want to go down, there’s no reason why I should be. What I would give to experience ups and downs, which are not so extreme and debilitating. Hey, but then I wouldn’t be me.

Waiting for tomorrow.

2007-07-20T09:39:00.000-07:00

I’m not really in a good place, it’s been creeping up on me for a few days. Today I’m just waiting for tomorrow, when I’m off to Port Eliot Literary festival, (Port Eliot LitFest) to meet interesting people. Life is ok, I have some interesting writing projects in the pipeline, I have festivals coming up, and I’ve been meeting up with good friends.

I just don’t feel inspired, or motivated, I just feel flat. Maybe it’s the thought of camping in the rain, or not believing I have the confidence to make it as a writer even though I know I can write, or the pending eviction notice when the landlords sell my flat.

Whatever it is I’m hoping tomorrow will bring back a smile inside.

I've entered the digital world!

2007-07-18T03:23:00.000-07:00

It’s definitely been a week of ups and downs. Over the weekend my friend Ian, who was staying with me, got a phone call from London, as his son had a serious accident. I won’t go into details, as it’s not my place, but he’s already had two operations, and they are unsure about whether they can fix one of his legs. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions for Ian this weekend. He has been through this before as many years ago his brother was stabbed, and ended up in a wheelchair. I felt completely useless as all I could do was be there for him. He’s now gone back up to London to be with his family.

Work wise many opportunities have opened up this week. I’ve been asked through chatting on ‘my space’ to write an article on Gypsy Love who is a burlesque performer. I’ve been researching the history of burlesque, which is more about the tease than the strip, and it’s going to be a very interesting article to write. I’m also off to Port Elliot Literary festival this weekend, to help my friend Teresa with her media project. She’s creating a promotional website for them, and I am there to interview some of the performers. I hope it’s sunny.

On Monday after Ian had gone, I acted on impulse, and decided to take the plunge into the digital world. I brought a top box! I had been holding back as I don’t know whether I am right, but I believed if enough people can’t get digital they won’t be able to do the switchover. However the temptation of Film4 got me in the end. I was talking to a friend about it yesterday and she said Cornwall is one of the first areas to go digital, which seems mad to me, as coverage here is so crap. In Looe for example, they can’t even get Sky let alone Freeview. In Lostwithiel my friend had to get Sky just to get the 4main channels. Why use an area with such terrible television reception, and where many people can’t even use any of the digital options, as a pilot area?

Anyway I am now ready for the switchover, and I’ve been enjoying watching Friends every night. In the 21 years with my ex husband I hardly ever watched Friends, as he didn’t like it and we watched something else together. The past two years I’ve been catching up with it, and the beauty of not watching it for so long is I still catch episodes I’ve never seen before.

Its not going to change my life, I don’t like to watch too much television anyway. Apart from having the opportunity to watch a film if I want to, its more for Megs than for me and she is thrilled, especially as she can now watch ‘first look’ Hollyoaks.

As per usual I've had a fairly hectic week.

2007-07-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

I thought I’d been keeping up with my blog, but have just realised it’s been a week since my last posting. As per usual I’ve had a fairly hectic week. My ex husband came down to visit for a week, straight from a year out in India and Australia. He came back last Tuesday, when unluckily for him there was a suspect package at Heathrow, and they closed the airport. They weren’t allowed off the plane for four hours after they landed, so I ended up picking him up at the train station at midnight.

It was an ok week, although I didn’t get much writing done. He went back to Gloucestershire on Monday. While he was here, on Saturday I went to a party. It was the type of party that you need to take at least two days out of your life for. I had not gone to other party’s with the same people, over the year at Uni, as I knew I couldn’t afford the time and the lack of focus for often a week afterwards. It was great, there were two dance areas, wicked music, a bar, and I caught up with lovely people I hadn’t seen since the festival and party season pre-course. I danced till six in the morning and it was great to go out when it was dark and still be partying hours after it got light.

Today I had an email from Fabia from the National Lichen Sclerosus (LS) support group and my article about my friend Dunya who has LS has gone up on their website. http://www.lichensclerosus.org/sitemapandcontents.html She’s even put a link to my website, which has made me realise I need to work on my website and post some more recent work on there.

Anyway it’s late and I have a fun filled day shopping with my daughters in Truro tomorrow. Ta Ta for now.

Ten steps to living with Authenticity

2007-07-05T04:51:00.000-07:00

When I was doing my massive clear up last week, I came across 'ten steps to living with authenticity' which a friend had given me. She has no idea who wrote these, or where they came from, but I had them up on my wall for a couple of years until the paper got so dog-earred I took them down. I have now typed them up again so I can put them back up on my wall and I thought it would be good to share them.

Comments gratefully received, especially if anyone knows who wrote these wise words.

Ten steps to living with authenticity

1. Distinguish between the important stuff and the pettiness that can slow you down, take away your focus, and sabotage your success. Strive to be the very best you can be, but cut yourself some slack and do the same for those you love. Save the drama for the stage.

2. Discover your passion! The Universe has a plan for your life that is so much greater you could imagine or devise. Listen to your gut instincts and follow your inner voice.

3. Relinquish the need for approval. Believe in yourself – you are entitled to dress, walk and talk anyway you choose, regardless of anyone else’s opinion. Confidence comes from within, so remember: Fake it until you make it.

4. Be accountable for everything you say and do. Face your truest fears and refuse to burden someone else with your issues.

5. Set strong, but loving boundaries. If someone’s continually trying to hurt you, control you, or disrespect you, they have issues and you don’t need to own their ‘garbage’.

6. Release the desire to control the outcome. Change the things you can and accept the things you can’t.

7. Practise forgiveness. We’re all human and we all mistakes so choose to let go of resentment and shame. Love with an open and compassionate heart.

8. Demand your worth, while refusing to manipulate others for your own personal gain. Speak with truth, refrain from gossip and maintain your integrity.

9. Have faith in a Higher Power. No matter how difficult life may seem every experience is a lesson for growth, so seize the day and make the choice to move forward.

10. Know who you are and what you want for your life. Realise that you alone are enough. You are worthy of all that life has to offer and live fearlessly.

I want a dog again.

2007-06-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

We dog-sat at a friend’s house last night. It was great because:

1/ We had Sky. Megs had the remote until the evening and then I took over and we watched Film 4 (The only channel I would like as an extra to the four I get)

2/ Instead of using their kitchen we treated ourselves to a Chinese takeaway. I had Yunnan chicken (which was supposed to be sweet and chilli, but there was no chilli bite to it at all), and mushroom fried rice.

3/ No chores to do, which meant no reason to get up much, so we had more time to chill.

4/ We didn’t have landline calls to answer. If my friends want to get hold of me they have my mobile number.

5/ It was lovely to have a dog around. Taz is quite a character, he loves people, and is incredibly easy to dog-sit for. I’ve looked after dogs who want my attention 24/7, often because they’re away from their owners. Taz did miss my friends, he looked over at the shed and you could tell he was thinking are they in there?, and if he heard anyone out the front he was up at the window, but other than that he was happy and chilled.

Dogs have kind of been the theme of my week. At the beginning of the week, another friend lost her dog, Pugsy. No-one was sure how old Pugsy was as she was a rescue dog, she didn’t look too old so when she started being ill last week it was completely unexpected that it might be the end. However after a couple of visits to the vets it transpired she had a tumour that would kill her very soon, so she was put down.

I loved Pugsy. She had such a beautiful nature. She was my second favourite dog, with Jess being my first fav. Jess was was born in our back garden, as her Mum was our lodger’s dog. She was with us from birth to the grand old age of fourteen. Like Pugsy she wasn’t ill until her last week, and she had a tumour which would have killed her in the next day or two. I was thinking of my friend much of last week.

So this week I’ve been thinking a lot about dogs, and how I would love to have another dog. Even with Pugsy’s death and identifying with the pain of losing a dog, I still want another dog. They don’t live as long as we do, that’s something we just have to accept and I do, but the pleasure they give, and the pleasure they can have in a happy loving home is priceless. I can’t have a dog where I am, I need a garden and as soon as I have one, I’m going to get another dog.

Clear out the clutter, clear the mind.

2007-06-27T13:15:00.000-07:00

Today I’ve cleaned, cleared and sorted, and did such a thorough job it took 6 hours to do one room. It was very satisfying. I now know where everything is and I can put my hands on any piece of work or research I need.

I came across my positive book, which my friend Rachel gave to me when my depression was totally debilitating. My positive book is basically a notebook in which I wrote three positive things that happened every day. Looking through it was interesting, some days I didn’t manage to add anything, but I mostly made sure I wrote something down even if I didn’t manage three things. Here are some of the things I wrote:

“I saw 4 people this afternoon” “Had peaceful evening” “Managed alright at meeting” “Sunny day” “Didn’t get a parking ticket” “Talked in group” “Felt organised” “Did some baking” “Someone said to me in a shop at least there’s one pretty girl in Cornwall” (that one was very flattering)

I would recommend it to everyone going through periods of hopelessness and despair. I remember at the time it was very difficult to think of anything positive, but as I did it more it got easier. When I wrote “I talked in a group” I am sure I had more negative thoughts about that group situation, as even if I spoke up my anxiety meant I felt I was weak, and a non productive member of society. However by having to write something positive down, I trained myself to start thinking about what went well instead on focusing on the negative. It was a valuable and welcome exercise which I did for many months.

I can’t say it brought back good memories, but it did help me realise how far I’ve come.

I put a lot of energy into cleaning today, and no corner, wall, cupboard etc, was left unturned. I did however do something really stupid, during my mission to clean. While I was cleaning the toaster, I turned it upside down to shake out all the crumbs and while I was cleaning it I pushed the button down (which you put down to cook the toast) with my fingers inside, and gave myself an electric shock. It was actually quite powerful as I blew the electrics in the flat. I was buzzing for ages afterwards, but next time I clean the toaster I will definitely turn it off at the plug.

I’m totally shattered, but love looking around at my exceptionally tidy frontroom/kitchen. I can now focus on writing for a few days without thinking I ought to be clearing up. Unclutter the house and it helps unclutter the mind.

A good night's sleep

2007-06-26T14:51:00.000-07:00

I’ve written an article today on getting a good night’s sleep, in which I suggest its best not to work on anything, and give your self time to unwind and relax before bedtime. It’s now 10.30, I turn the laptop on, and I aim to be in bed by 11. I am not very good at taking my own advice.

So instead of realising this and just turning the laptop off, I thought ok I’ll just write a quick post, 5 minutes won’t do any harm, and as I start writing my mind jumps into action. So I’m going to turn my laptop off and let my mind unwind so I can sleep.

Feeling more positive

2007-06-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

I think I’m coming out of a fairly low month and feeling more positive. I’m still achieving the same as I have done over the month, as I’ve kept myself focused on writing, but I’m feeling more confident about maybe making a living out of writing at some point.

I did an article for Vitality Matters this week about a woman called Annie running Happiness workshops in Cornwall, and I was very anxious about what I’d written. I emailed a draft and asked for feedback, thinking it wasn’t right. I felt there was something I needed to change. I got an email back saying it was a good article, and it was nice to hand over a task to someone and get it done well. It was totally my self pity, and thoughts of not being good enough etc that made me feel it wasn’t right.

Looking at the article after the feedback I realised it was ok, it flowed from paragraph to paragraph, and presented a representative picture of what Annie and her workshops are about.

As much as I would like to think, I can tell myself not to worry and overcome external stresses; I think the fact that my housing benefit was finally sorted this week has also had a big effect on my mood. They’re not paying all of my rent. I still have to find a fair bit myself, but as it’s taken them three months to assess my claim, I’ve had it backdated. This means I can pay back my dad who paid last months rent for me, and pay off some of my overdraft. It also means I feel ok about buying a tent, so Megs and I can go to a couple of local festivals this summer, which are our holidays.

Today after keeping writing in the week, I felt I deserved time off, and I have had a really pleasant day. I popped into town and looked around a few charity shops. I went to visit my friend Em who I hadn’t seen for ages, and got a birthday pressie from her, which was back in May but she’d still held onto for me. I got back, had dinner and then went out for an early drink with friends and was back by nine o‘clock.

Tomorrow I’m off early to help with moving my daughter Tamsin out of halls at University. Monday I’m off to a local Mental health forum, which I hope will help with an article I am writing about the lack of Mental health Mother and baby units. Wednesday I am meeting up with a beautiful friend of mine who I haven’t seen since before I started my course (October 06). I’m not feeling panicked about the week ahead at all which is great news for me.

This positivity may not last. I still have people viewing my flat, as my landlords are selling up, and I have to get on the case of finding somewhere to live. The financial boost I’ve just received I know is going to be short-lived, and I still need to watch the pennies. However I hope this positivity does last, and I will do everything I can to make sure it does.

I'm sooooo excited

2007-06-12T01:20:00.000-07:00

I’ve been struggling with negativity since my last posting, and I still am, but I’m fighting it and managing to stay on top of things. Today I have felt completely panicked, but I’m also sooooo excited. If you have been a reader of my blog you may know I aim to write a book about women’s experiences of medical conditions of the vaginal area, some of which are actually quite common but often get misdiagnosed, because they are not well known about.

Writing about vaginal medical conditions may seem like an odd choice for my first book, however to me it seemed this was a book that really needed writing. The inspiration came after interviewing my friend Dunya, who has Lichen sclerosus. Lichen sclerosus is a poorly recognised chronic inflammatory disease, affecting the genital and anal areas. Symptoms include blisters, itching, skin becoming fragile, splitting and bleeding, and sometimes fusing together of the labia and/or clitoris.

I am soooo excited because last weekend I met Fabia Brackenbury founder of the National Lichen sclerosus Support group, Kay Thomas who runs a Vulval Pain Support group in London, and Dr David Nunns, a consultant gynaecologist who specialises in Vulval conditions and is the founder of the Vulval Pain Society, and they were all supportive of my book.

Most of all I’m soooo excited because Fabia rang me yesterday to say an article I had written about Dunya was going up on the Vulval Pain Society website. I had not taken the article when I met them, but while Kay was waiting for the train in Cornwall to go back to London, sitting on a bench next to her was the March edition of Vitality Matters open on the page of my article. She showed it to Fabia, who had wanted to put Dunya's story on the website, and on seeing my article decided she didn’t need to reinvent the wheel, she could post up my article. It should be on there by the end of the week.

Depression has no rules

2007-06-06T03:37:00.000-07:00

Depression has no rules. When you’re doing everything right, such as staying focused on writing, walking by the sea, keeping up with chores (ok maybe not all the chores), you can hit a low and you don’t know where its come from. You can try to challenge yourself to keep your spirits up but then feel exhausted with the ongoing argument with yourself.

Yesterday I had a phone call at nine asking if someone can come for a viewing. The landlord is selling the flat with me as a sitting tenant, however in the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a few viewings, and they’ve all been placing their furniture in the rooms. The estate agents said there was nothing to say I would be a sitting tenant. I can’t afford it anyway, the rent is really high and I’m trying to get housing benefit, however the claim is taking forever. I’ve had to borrow the last months rent. I’ve been looking for something else, but there is nothing, I’m also constantly bidding for council properties. All in all it’s been a big worry, and probably where the low has come from.

I’ve felt fearful, vulnerable, and have just wanted to put on an invisibility cloak and hide from the world. I challenged this by telling myself life is full of possibilities, and that fear and negativity is the only thing holding me back. I’ve dealt with stuff such as, ringing the council to see how the claims doing, and ringing up the landlord to ask for a letter saying they’re selling the flat and to express my worries. I’ve even rang up about volunteering as a dog walker, as we went for a lovely walk by the sea on Monday evening, and I miss having a dog with me. (Our dog Jess died about a year and a half ago, and wasn’t ill until her last few weeks. She managed a good fourteen years). I even finished an article, but I still got lower as the day went on.

In the end I took to bed. As I’ve said before, I can get to a stage where I can’t focus on the television, or people talking to me, but I can read. To stop myself wallowing I picked up The Zahir by Paulo Coehlo, a story about his relationship with his wife. The whole reason I’ve got the motivation to write this blog is to share a paragraph I read this afternoon. If you’ve followed my blog you’ll know I’ve constantly had an on off relationship with the internet. Talking about the writing process Paulo says:

“I try to log onto the internet, but its not working. It’s never been the same since I destroyed the connection. I called various technicians, but when they finally turned up, they could find nothing wrong with the computer. They asked me what I was complaining about, spent half an hour doing tests, changed the configuration, and assured me that the problem lay not with me but with the server. I allowed myself to be convinced that everything was, in fact, fine, and I felt ridiculous for having to ask for help. Two or three hours later, the computer and the connection would both crash. Now after months of physical and psychological wear and tear, I simply accept that technology is stronger and more powerful than me: it works when it wants to, and when it doesn’t its best to sit down and read the paper or go for a walk, and wait until the cables and the telephone links are in a better mood, and the computer decides to work again. I am not, I have discovered, my computer’s master: it has a life of its own”.

I totally identified with this; apart from I don’t have the money to call technicians in.

Although this is about computers Paulo’s philosophy of accepting the blips could be useful for people with depression. I have learnt over the years to sometimes just accept the lows when they come, as I know that they will pass. Tomorrows another day.

The Hot bitch party

2007-05-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

On Friday I went to a ‘hot bitch party’ at Exeter for a night of female fronted bands. The night out was brilliant, despite not many people turning up, (we reckoned about half of the audience were involved with the bands). Civilian were on first, www.myspace.com/civilianrox a gutsy guitar band with Joshi providing powerful female vocals. All I can say is what an amazing voice. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t pissed, or out of it in any other way, this was the sort of band you can’t help but dance to. The only disappointment was they weren’t on for long enough.

After they played we went back to the bar for a sit down and a chat, and missed the next band, but were back in time for Evi Vine. www.myspace.com/evivine We were in the mood for dancing, and this was chilled not dancey music, however it didn’t take long to appreciate the talent of this band. Evi’s haunting and beautiful melodic vocals soon drew in the audience, she sings with emotion you can’t help to identify with. I was so impressed I found her afterwards, and we were soon chatting away. As there weren’t many people there, it was quite an intimate gig and everyone was really friendly and welcoming.

It was then the turn of Obedient Bone www.myspace.com/obedientbone who were who I went up to see. I’d seen them at a couple of festivals last year, and brought their album which I play a lot in my car. Demelza the singer was at the door when I went in, but I didn’t recognise her as I’d only seen the band from the back of crowds, and she was looking amazing wearing a basque, stockings and suspenders (It was a hot bitch party and she wasn’t the only one dressed up). It was all in all a very colourful evening, and I didn’t feel out of place in my stripy tights.

Obedient bone successfully mixes funk, trip hop and rock to produce a very unique edgy sound. They are becoming one of the most popular underground acts to catch, at the festivals all over the summer. We danced our socks off, satisfying our need to boogie.

The last act was the Family Fleabag Circus from Brighton, and we were treated to fire eating, a trapeze act, and a lap dancer, who did really well to carry on while the music stopped for a minute. Another bunch of really friendly people, we watched them putting on gloves with extended fingers that they set alight, and then provide us with another colourful fire show outside after the gig. After they’d finished we got chatting to Lisa www.myspace.com/firealarmist (one of the family) while we were waiting for our taxi. I’m looking forward to catching up with them again at the festivals in the summer.

We got back relatively sober to my daughter’s room at the University and I really don’t know how she sleeps. There were noises all night, people coming in every half an hour or so, and the bed was really uncomfortable. In the moments of light sleep, I ended up having a dream about being in a lecture about fish, and sitting next to Robert De Niro.

It was a brilliant night and it didn’t end there, over the weekend I found Evi Vine on my space and added her as a friend, and then Civilian and Lisa (from Fleabag Family Circus) found my profile. It’s great to meet people, and then hook up on my space. I also hooked up with ‘Noize Makes Enemies’ www.myspace.com/noizemakesenemies (a music webzine, who are after writers) and ‘Festival eye’ www.myspace.com/festivaleye and all because of a night out.

I'm neglecting blogger

2007-05-25T07:36:00.000-07:00

My space is taking up so much time. Because of the person I am I can’t just ignore people. I am finding I’m spending too much time answering messages and friend requests. I do not want hundreds of friends like most people, so I am only adding people I know or know of. After all I can still chat to people without them being my friends.

One of my bestest friends who lives 200 miles away, has set up a ‘my space’ so we can chat. It’s great for keeping in touch with people. Yesterday I was searching around, checking out bands I could see at the festivals I go to, and found ‘Gogol Bordello’ who sing a song ‘Start wearing purple’ so I put the tune up on my profile. If you read my last posting you’ll know why. I will definitely be checking them out this summer.

I haven’t had a dance for ages, and tonight I’m off to a ‘Hot bitch party’ at Exeter to see Obedient Bone and other female fronted bands with my friend Teresa. I have butterflies in my stomach which I often do when I’m going out. It should be a wicked night.

Anyway I must get on and beautify myself, it may take a while.

Pinks and Purple's

2007-05-20T03:39:00.000-07:00

I like pinks and purples, although I have been branching out into greens and blues in these past few months. All these colours go well together. Anyway I got to thinking, my blog spot is pink, and my website is mostly pink, is this giving the wrong impression about myself?

In my own little idealistic world, publishers etc, would look at the content of my website, my writing samples etc. However, in real life, I think it’s unlikely they would read much, as they haven’t got the time, and need to make snap judgements. As much as I hate stereotyping, when making snap judgments, people utilise whatever they can to help with making decisions. I believe, stereotyping people is part of everyone’s socialisation, and feel it’s difficult to resist especially when having to make snap judgments.

So what does pink say about me to people making a snap judgment? Maybe it says I’m a bit of a girly girl, and possibly not that serious. I believe in the business world masculine values still prevail, and if an important document was produced in pink, it probably wouldn’t get the credibility it deserved. Feminine qualities such as caring, and being more in tune with emotions and feelings, are not qualities that get you far in the business world. Working for a ‘Connexions’ for many years, I’ve had enough of denying my femininity in order to get on, and work my way up the ladder.

Just because I’m a woman, and I like pink doesn’t mean I am not serious, and I’m not going to bow down to masculine values. Therefore I am keeping the pink. It may be to my cost, but I'd rather be accepted for who I am, than not be myself.

I'm addicted to My Space

2007-05-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

I’m addicted to My Space. If you read my last blog you would have read about how my friend Ian’s songs were posted up on a ‘my space’ site http://www.myspace.com/btx7 I really wanted to send a message about the site, and couldn’t unless I had a ‘My Space’. So yesterday my brilliant daughter Megs, helped me set it all up. Since then I’ve had requests to be added as friends from a couple of people I don’t know, and they seem very interesting people, but for now while I’m getting used to it all, I’m only adding people I know as friends.

I’ve added Megs as my friend and have found my daughter Tamsin. So when she logs in she may add me as a friend. I wouldn’t worry if she didn’t add me, who wants their mum to see their personal stuff? However we talk about everything and are really close (see 'Take your Mama out all night' March posting). I’ve also found friends from the MA course, it’s all very exciting.

With Megs helping me set up everything, I also discovered how to add a tab, so you can have more web pages open. There’s so much I need to learn about making the most of computers. This means I can now listen to music, on the net, while writing this blog. I know many people have been doing this for ages, but for me this is shiny and new. When I went to school (back in the olden days) they didn’t have computers. I did typewriting RSA on a typewriter.

Megs was looking at, I think you call it HTML script, and deleting bits and adding in bits, she managed to get my blogs linked on my ‘My Space’ site. Its second nature to her, but to me it’s alien. I am learning loads and I will get to grips with it eventually. With Megs helping me I’ve also learned how to create a hyperlink, so people can click on addresses and get there.

Problem is now I’m addicted to ‘My Space’ it’s another excuse to procrastinate, and I need to get on with writing. Positives are I can get my name out there more, I have links to my blog ‘JaxWritersSpot’ on which I am doing a weekly article. I just need to make sure I don’t spend so much time on ‘My Space’ that I don’t work on articles. I feel a bit of research coming on for the next posting, which will most probably be about fatigue, possible causes, energy foods, etc.

2007-05-17T04:25:00.000-07:00

From now on
You can join me at
Jax Writers Spot
Weekly
(every Wednesday)
For articles on:
Food
Health
Alternative therapies
People
Community
Reviews
and more
Click on the link to My other blog, Jax Writers Spot, for this weeks article on the documentary 'Power to the People'

But for now back to The Planet Ug

Despite yesterday being more of a challenge than other days I managed to start off my weekly slot on Jax Writer’s Spot, by posting the first article. I feel pleased about it today; I’ve woken up feeling fresher and ready to get writing. Yesterday nothing seemed to cheer me up. Even listening to some of Ian’s songs which have been posted on the net, didn’t cheer me up, instead they had me blubbering.

If you’ve been a regular reader of my blog you’ll know Ian is a talented/singer songwriter. He was signed to Warner Brothers with his band when he was younger. Anyway his old manager has posted 3 songs he wrote (2 of which he sings) onto a ‘my space’ site. The sad thing is, the site is about a band Ian has nothing to do with. It mentions that Ian sings ‘Survive and ‘Questioning’, but does not mention he wrote those 2 and ‘All I want is you’. There is only one song, ‘Being there’ which was written by the band, which the site is about. He is mentioned as writing one on a blog posting, but that’s about it. It seems like he’s getting ripped off a bit. Problem is I couldn’t leave a comment as I don’t have a ‘my space’ site. I think I’m going to set up a ‘my space’ site today.

Anyway to hear Ian’s songs, and to hear him sing check out:
http://www.myspace.com/btx7
I hope the link works. I created a hyperlink, while writing this on a word document. First time I’ve done it.

Comments gratefully received.

Well here comes that empty feeling.

2007-05-15T14:16:00.000-07:00

Well here comes that empty feeling, but I’m fighting it. I’ve been waking up feeling panicky, which I didn’t do with the deadlines looming, and the silliest little things have started me blubbering. I’ve been feeling like this for a few days and I am determined to do something about it. I know I need routine and structure and the course provided that for me.

As a writer I need to be self motivated/disciplined, and today I’ve made a start on an article for Jax Writers Spot. I haven’t done brilliantly well with it, as my mood has affected my ability to concentrate, but I’m not beating myself up and I know the more I do the better I will feel. I have tomorrow booked out to finish it and post it, which is very achievable.

It’s funny though, as soon as I finish the course I seem to be really busy. I had the estate agents around today with clients to view the flat (my landlords are selling, with me still as a tenant). The housing benefit people are coming round tomorrow. I’m meeting up with a friend for lunch, and meeting up with some friends for a drink at five on Thursday, as well as driving my daughter Alice, to and from work. And on Friday I have to drop the car for its M.O.T and have my haircut.

It’s great to be able to have the freedom to catch up with friends on Thursday, as well as getting out at night time. I went out and saw a band on Saturday, as well as going out on Wednesday. Unfortunately free time, without having a purpose in life, doesn’t do me any good. The thoughts are telling me I’m never going to have the courage to achieve anything, I’m not going to be able to sell myself, so even if I can write I’ll never be one of the lucky ones to make a living out of it.

But I am fighting back, by challenging these thoughts, telling myself I’m just as able to earn a living out of writing, as many journalists/writers out there. I’ve been writing articles, stories, mini magazines, since I could write. I even wrote a play, which was put on as a show when I was in the Brownies. Before I started the course (while I was thinking about it) I watched an interview with an author who said:

“It takes courage and positivity to believe that what you may have to say will be of interest to people and then give up years to work on that.”

Unfortunately I didn’t get the authors name, but it doesn’t matter, because it was the message that was important. It may take years, but in the meantime I’m going to build up a portfolio, get my name out there, and the more I write the more I will have confidence in my abilities and be able to sell myself.

I’ve just taken a break and went for a walk, the sun was setting so it was perfect timing. I did have an ulterior motive; I decided to buy myself a bottle of wine. I have been inclined to do this more since finishing my course, most probably because of the empty feeling, but it has to stop as I can’t afford it. Although I walked up a main road out of town, there were fields either side of me, the sounds I could hear apart from cars passing by were sheep and cows, and the banks around the supermarket were filled with wild flowers. I thought I could just spend my days walking in the countryside, but then what would I have achieve.

On the way back I saw an old boyfriend pass by in his car. We went out when I was fifteen, and we shared our first experience of passion together. I remember we used to play about with each other in the lane outside my home. When I was raped in the same year, I remember having to tell the police about any previous sexual experiences, and this was the closest I had got. I remember my parents at the time coming across as very disappointed with me, but they didn’t say anything else about it, after all I had just been raped.

In fact nothing was ever said again. It was never mentioned, this was the way they thought was best to deal with what had happened. I’m forty one now; that was in the past, and it does not affect my future (although it did till a few years ago). Seeing him pass in the car made me smile, as I remembered the good times we’d shared. He’s a very gentle caring bloke, and I would like to think he found a wonderful woman to spend his time with; however I have seen him a few times over the past few years, and I think he’s still single, and struggling to keep the family business of farming going.

Good memories have cheered me up, and made me realise my life isn’t so useless. Enough said.

I should have gone back to Falmouth

2007-05-12T03:45:00.000-07:00

At first yesterday was a bit of a rush. I drove to Falmouth to hand in my work, and then jumped back in the car to drive to St Austell for my friends birthday lunch. It was a lovely afternoon and I caught up a friend I used to work with, and hadn’t seen for about four years. I left about five and in hindsight I should have gone back to Falmouth. Megan was away for the night, straight from school, and I fancied a night out to celebrate the end of the course.

Everyone was going out in Falmouth after hand in, and I expect would have still been out into the evening. I would like to have celebrated with them. In the end I sat at home, and rang round a few friends here but nobody was going out. So I brought myself a bottle of wine and stayed in.

The upside of staying in was I caught Eastenders, and had a lovely warm feeling after a big glass of red wine. The downside is after a few more glasses, I went shopping on the internet, and brought more than I wanted just to get the free posting. I suppose if I had gone out I would have spent the same amount of money though.

I am going to miss going down to Falmouth and seeing everyone, and I definitely aim to get there for a night out at some point. I’m also going to have to be really disciplined to carry on with writing, as I won’t have the course to motivate me. One of the things I aim to do is to write a magazine type article every week to put on my Jax Writer’s Spot blog. I aim to build up my portfolio, so publications will take me seriously, by continuing writing for Vitality Matters and basically getting my writing out there. I also need to do research and/or some writing each week for my book.

But first I need to clear up, and that’s what I’m going to do now. What fun!

Ahead of myself

2007-05-10T12:27:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of weeks I have knuckled down to writing for deadlines tomorrow. It was my birthday yesterday, and I wanted to get everything done for then so I could go out in the evening and celebrate, and I achieved it. At 2.00pm yesterday after printing, re reading, editing and printing again I printed up all the work to be handed in on Friday.

It’s funny thou as soon as I’d finished I began to feel anxious. I wanted to clear up the mound of mess which has built up over the days when I’ve done nothing but write, get out for some food, and then get ready for a night on the town. I seemed to have loads of nervous energy and couldn’t sit still or rest. I cleared up a bit, had a visit from my friend Vicky who’d brought me a lovely glass hanging for my birthday, and then a visit from Ian and Steve. I gave up with trying to achieve an immaculate flat, and when Megs got back from school we heading out for a meal.

I fancied a Jacket potato with mature cheddar, coleslaw and salad. It was lovely and the plate was filled to the brim. It’s always a bit of a gamble what standard of salad you get, and despite loving salad I’m always disappointed if the salad is just lettuce and tomatoes and cucumber. However this salad was piled high with red onions, peppers, carrots, and even some orange. It was very yummy.

We got back in plenty of time for me to have a bath, and use my touch of silver shampoo, which makes my silver hair extra shiny. My friend Dee turned up at about eight, and brought me a bag of presents, only little things she said, however they were a few pounds each at least. I got a posh purple mug, a fairy that sits of the edge of a shelf, a smelly candle and some ‘Dead sea Spa Magik’ magic hair serum which I treat my hair to every so often. I felt really spoilt. And then Teresa turned up and gave me a beautiful beaded candle holder lampshade.

It wasn’t particularly busy at the Open mic. Cyrus was standing in for Helen, who has just had a baby, and worked hard as there weren’t many people getting up and having a go. I would like to have heard more women’s vocals, but it didn’t matter as I was nattering to lots of people. Alice my daughter, and Mark her boyfriend turned up and John, a friend I hadn’t seen for ages, and it was a lovely evening.

I was worried, because as I had been feeling anxious I thought I might get drunk quickly, but I had a couple of gin and redbulls and I think that helped, as when I walked back, not only did I get back in 10 minutes, I managed not to squash one snail, which were all over the pavement. Only downside to that was I still felt wide awake at two o’clock.

Today’s been pretty ok too. I had a lie in and then went to search the charity shops in town. It’s my friend Rachel’s birthday tomorrow and we always get each other something from charity shops. I’m not going to say what I’ve got just in case, but Rach if you’re reading I can’t wait till tomorrow. Despite the rain, which didn’t stop, I had a fun afternoon looking around the shops, and meeting up with a couple of friend’s for a drink. It was a fun afternoon because I had done my work and could take my time instead of rushing in and out of town.

I know the high from getting all the work done is only temporary. I’ve not been doing any of the general organisation of life chores, such as my due MOT, and trying to get housing benefit as I have no money for June’s rent. And on top of that I still have to keep writing, and pitching my work. But for today and maybe tomorrow all that stuff can stay on hold.

It's been a long time since my last blog

2007-05-05T10:42:00.000-07:00

Forgive me father for I have sinned, It’s been a long time since my last blog. I know I have nothing to be forgiven for, but isn’t it funny, although I haven’t been brought up under any strict religious denomination, I still feel a stronger sense of responsibility, than is healthy.

Since my last post, Ian hasn’t let me go, he has relentlessly pursued me, and I have stood my ground. The trouble is when he feels Steve needs some space, as I feel responsible for Ian, and I know he has nowhere else to stay, he ends up staying. As I said I’ve stood my ground and nothings happened, despite him trying and saying he’s not going to let me go easily.

However it may finally be sinking in, as on Wednesday night he said he may go back to London, it would be a lot easier for me if he did. Living as he does, crashing at other people’s houses all the time, it’s a lot easier for him to do that where he has a lot of friends.

Anyway it’s all tiring me out. I am feeling totally exhausted, and haven’t had a very productive week. I’ve been trying to write another article for the features unit, however have not got very far with it. With deadlines looming next week, I think I now need to abandon this and work on pieces for assessment.

Thursday night I had a night off, my brother and his girlfriend arrived in Cornwall for a few days, and I went down to meet them for a couple of drinks, which ended up with me being whisked off to Padstow, and eating the best pasta dish I had ever tasted at Rojanos. I hadn’t met Simon’s girlfriend before and we got on really well. I had never really clicked with any of his previous girlfriends, probably due to them being so different to Simon, however they are very alike. Previously Simon has been put off by girlfriends becoming too serious, however when Bridget went off for a minute, he said I think we’re going to be serious. I was really pleased for him. I had a great night, and caught the sun on my face, which has given me panda eyes due to wearing sunglasses.

It’s Saturday today and I’ve had a productive day, I’ve managed to finish off my feature and finish the page by page contents of my book. My brilliant daughter Megs was also able to get us back on the internet, which has just not been happening for a few days. Every time I had tried to get on the internet, it was connecting fine, but couldn’t find any web page’s. I looked to check if any of the wires had come loose, repaired, de-fragged and deleted all my cookies etc. So what did Megan do to get our internet working again? She turned the box on and off, and we’re connected.

It’s been a long writing day, and although my laptops very hot, I feel a bit of surfing coming on.

Young free and single (ok maybe not so young)

2007-04-27T01:23:00.000-07:00

It was quite a low beginning to the week, but it got better. After a non productive Monday, rising panic about all the work due in, I was still feeling exhausted on Tuesday. I drove to Falmouth, for a 15 minute tutorial, and got some good comments on my work, which made it worth the journey. I was there for less than an hour and I felt so shattered when I got back I collapsed on the bed.

Around 8 I got a phone call from Ian asking if he could stay, so he could get to the jobcentre the next day. He’s staying at a friend’s who lives in the middle of nowhere. He could get a lift in so I said ok. I didn’t really want to see him. I had been thinking a lot about him being round; that we were slipping back into behaving like a couple which I didn’t want, I shouldn’t be still jumping into bed with him, that we have been walking into town and what would happen if we bumped into ‘the woman’ would he talk to her, how would I react? etc.

With all this confusion the past couple of weeks, and a lot of thinking, I had made up my mind I was going to say that I needed him to stop coming over, it as over and I need to move on. So actually Tuesday night provided an opportunity to have a talk. We talked, I said what was on my mind, he understood why, but it was sad. Sad because it could have been good, sad because I knew it couldn’t be. But also positive, as we had a fun year.

Now I’ve got to stick by my decision, which I know may not be easy. He said he would give up on me if that’s what I wanted, and I said it was, but I’m still not sure that he won’t ring, or turn up on my doorstep. He knows I know he has nowhere else to stay in town, although I don’t think he’ll be turned away by ‘the woman’. Maybe he will leave me be.

I felt stronger the next day. Despite ending up having a late night, I didn’t feel so tired and I was able to write the introduction to my book, as well as taking time to drive my daughter to minor injuries, as she twisted a ligament during a long jump at school. Meg’s knee wasn’t too bad, after a few hours she stopped limping so much, and today it’s a lot better.

Today I took my laptop into uni, and between a bit of a class, and tutorials I edited three articles for assessment. Looking back at the week, it seems that when I lifted a load off my mind, I got my energy back.

Only just this minute (Thursday evening 9.30), Ian’s walked through the door.

It’s 9.00 in the morning, (Friday) so the ‘today’ I wrote above now means yesterday. As you know Ian turned up, he had walked the 6 ½ miles from the caravan as he wanted to make a phone call in the morning (he didn’t have any credit on his phone). It was ok we had a good natter about allsorts including his songs. He’s a very talented songwriter and had just written a new song. Here’s a line from it;

“My lifes a pantomime I think a lot of me is fake. I walk a thin line between reality and escape”

We talked about how, sometimes he doesn’t know where the words come from, and then he looks at them afterwards and says ‘oh that’s what I’m feeling’. We had quite a deep conversation about childhood and how we carry stuff through to adulthood etc, and we talked about moving on from each other. He slept on the sofa.

Now I’ve warmed up my writing muscles by finishing off this posting, I need to get on with the serious stuff.

Off for an early night

2007-04-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

Just realised it’s my birthday 2 weeks after my brother’s birthday, which is this Wednesday, and all our work is due in two days after that. So what have I done to ensure I’m on the track to getting everything finished? I’ve sat on my arse, staring at the laptop. I think the thought of it all has tired me out.

Or could it be because I spent Friday extreme spring cleaning well into the evening, prior to my landlord’s visit on Saturday, had a couple of fun energetic evenings, and then on Sunday packed up Tamsin’s belongings into the car, drove to Exeter, unloaded and drove back? Whatever the reasons, I feel absolutely shattered, braindead, and have not actually achieved much today, apart from having a blood test, for thyroid again. I hope it shows something up this time, it would explain my constant tiredness.

Oh no wait a minute, I’ve also finally set up a link so I can change my website. Anyway that’s it, I’m off to get an early night.

I've got to write something down

2007-04-17T14:15:00.000-07:00

I’ve got to write something down, to try and work out, what needs to come out of my head. I feel completely drained, and low, even though I went into Uni and saw friends, and had a really good class. I’m putting it down to having time on my own to think today, which I haven’t had for a few days. Time to ponder on how I feel about Ian being around, whether I should have kept him more at arms length etc.

When I got back I popped to the shop, and saw Ian’s sister in law, who said that Ian had been round twice shouting at her. Immediately I started feeling like shit, I didn’t need this, I’m not getting involved, will they blame me for letting him stay?, should I have let him stay?, would it have been easier if I hadn’t? (for me and for them)

So I get back to find him on the house phone to London (one very annoying thing about him is that I often find him on the house phone when I get back from somewhere). When I’m here he normally drop calls people, but how do I know whether he’s phoned them or they’ve phoned him when I’m not there.

After he got off the phone, he just ranted and ranted, about how he’d told her what he felt, how apparently his brother wants to hit him, and he’s got to go and see him and get it over with. It’s a long complicated story line, Ian and his family. I won’t bore you with it. I don’t want all this again, I don’t need the hyper moods, and I’m realising I was wrong to let him in again. It was great to see him at first, but the past few days he’s been annoying me. He had started doing things he used to, such as ranting, and winding Megan up. When those two get together, it’s like dealing with two hyperactive naughty loud children.

I also felt he was spinning me a yarn. I had a feeling about the phone calls he got, between the ranting this evening. When he said he was talking to his sister he called her sweetheart, which he says to many friends who are women, even my friends which they’ve got used to. However I’ve heard him chat on the phone loads in the past year, and he has never called his sister sweetheart. Something just didn’t ring true. Whatever my reasons for these thoughts, it shows the trust has gone, and once that’s gone it’s over.

I was saved by the doorbell. My friends Dee and Steve turned up. Steve was taking Ian to his place for the night, and then coming back for Dee, as they had to be at friends for eight. At 20past eight he turned up. Ian had persuaded him to call round at his brothers on the way, and apparently Ian and his brother had a big row, there was lots of screaming, walking up and down the street, banging of doors etc. I felt awful for Steve. Steve really likes Ian, and wanted him to stay and not go back to London before, however I worry about Ian imposing himself. It’s the same feeling I had with my ex husband, I felt responsible for his actions, and felt guilty when he let anyone down.

I know it’s wrong for me to feel like this. Guilt is a completely useless emotion.

Anyway I’m on my own. I can relax. Yeah!!!! Writing this down has really helped, I’m not feeling as low. I’m still feeling pretty drained but that’s nothing a goods night sleep won’t fix. I only hope Ian either decides to go back to London, or if he decides to stay at Steve’s, it’s because Steve’s happy with that, and that he pays his way. The past couple of days have reinforced why I can’t have Ian in my life. I wasn’t strong but I’ll know to be next time he visits.

It's so confusing.

2007-04-17T02:48:00.000-07:00

Back at Uni today and looking forward to seeing all my friends. I haven’t finished my Industry analysis, due in on Friday, but hope to get stuck into that this evening and tomorrow. Then just to add to the stress my landlords calling round on Saturday, so after hand in there’s no rest; I need to blitz the house. While I’ve got lots of writing to do, I don’t get much clearing up done, and the little jobs like cleaning the cupboards etc get left completely. So after hand in on Friday I’ve got to come back and clean.

On top of that I’ve had Ian staying, and it looks like he may give Cornwall another go. He’s going to stay at a friends tonight and I’m hoping he can stay there most of the time. I don’t need him around. It’s been a confusing few days, I know there are feelings there, I’ve enjoyed the cuddling, the company etc, but I know I can’t go there. In this case it’s right to let my head override my heart. He doesn’t work, he has no money, and he cowers from responsibility, and it’s been like that since we met. His rebelness I was attracted to, in the first place, is not what I need. After a year he hasn’t changed, if I am to be in a relationship with anyone, I need someone who will at least pay their way. And someone who will not go off on a bender and end up in someone’s bed. The trust has definitely still gone, and you need trust in a relationship.

Maybe jumping into bed was not a good idea, it’s enabled us to get comfortable with each other again. But I know in my mind he’s not the man for me, because of the way he is. Maybe I should have been strong and kept him at arms length. Although I am strong verbally, in that I’ve been clear I don’t want to be with him. I’ve contradicted that by getting intimate with him. We’ll just have to see how this week goes, if he can stay at his friends more permanently etc. I know with him in Cornwall it’s going to be more difficult I want to move on with my life, not be reminded of my feelings and the hurt all the time.

What if we do manage to go our separate ways, and I see him flirting with women in the pub, how will I feel? For me it’s easier if he goes back to London, but that’s completely selfish. It’s very rough where he lives, although it has a good community feel about it. On the downside he’s surrounded by alcoholics, drug addicts and violence up there. Who can blame him from wanting to escape? It’s so difficult and so confusing.

Who was I kidding?

2007-04-14T08:43:00.000-07:00

Why did I have a bath on Thursday afternoon and shave all my legs etc, if I was going to be strong, and not jump into bed with Ian? Who was I kidding? As soon as I saw him we hugged and kissed, and it felt right. We talked; he told me he thinks about me every day, that he was such an idiot for messing it up. I told him I was pleased to see him (I didn’t know whether I would be), that we can’t go back to being a couple, but could be good friends.

As the night went on it was getting clear that the physical attraction is still there, and we kind of decided maybe we’ll be friends that sleep together every so often. After 6 weeks of no sex, the night turned out to be very satisfying. So was I weak? I have my needs, and we’re very compatible that way, I don’t know whether I’ll ever find that sexual comfort zone with anyone else. A relationship should be based on love and trust, and not just sex. I have made it clear I can’t be anything more than a friend; I need to be single at the moment, as I have too much to do. Also I can’t be let down again. I don’t need someone who is essentially a drifter and always will be. Ian knows this, and I think he understands where I’m coming from.

Having sex with an ex is bit like getting drunk, we know that getting drunk is probably not a good idea, but we still go ahead and do it again and again.

The dangers of Gin and Tonic

2007-04-12T07:10:00.000-07:00

What a hectic week, I finished the work placement, and learnt a lot from it, such as how to knock out articles quickly, and write for the style of the publication. I also think my editing has improved. Now all I have to do is to write my Industry analysis.

Problem is today I have a hangover and can’t seem to focus on work. I went out to the Open mic last night. As I’ve only been treating myself to the little bottles of wine as part of my calorie counting, I got quite drunk after drinking G&T’s all night. I didn’t realise how much until I started to walk home, and it was a struggle to get back. I fell over a couple of times, and have bruises on my hands and under my chin!!? I hope nobody saw me.

Needless to say I’m feeling low today, and was cheered up by reading the lovely comments on my blog postings.

Ian’s coming down to Cornwall for a few days and we’re catching up tonight. I am actually looking forward to seeing him, although I know it will probably be easier not to. Seeing him may stir up my emotions and maybe bring back the hurt. But he’s coming down as a friend not a lover and hopefully it’ll be ok. I’m going to be strong.

Anyway I’m feeling pretty brain dead, which is my own fault, so it’s only a short posting. Now I’m not doing work experience, I will be back to posting more regularly again.

Tamsin's all grown up

2007-04-05T14:21:00.000-07:00

You’ve been hearing about if for weeks, and now it’s finally here, I’m officially old. I now have a twenty year old daughter. She’s no longer a teenager. We’ve just been out for a meal in a supposedly posh restaurant. The service was great, but apart from a couple of good choices, over all the food was disappointing. Poor Tamsin didn’t go much for any of her food, and it was her birthday. I was careful, but knew the diet was off the cards for the day.

I’m quite disappointed how I’m doing on my diet. I’ve been eating on average about 1400 calories a day, and it’s got easier to keep my calories down, as I’ve gone along. I’ve always been interested in nutrition, and I’ve also been making sure I include all the foods groups I need within that calorie count. The problem is for the past few weeks I haven’t seemed to lose any weight.

Since about a year after my initial breakdown, I’ve wondered whether maybe I have a thyroid problem (an under active thyroid). One of the functions of the thyroid is enabling cells to covert oxygen and calories into energy. Symptoms of an under active thyroid include fatigue, depression, and weight gain. My mental state seems to be linked with getting really tired, when I get too tired I’ll get really low. There sometimes doesn’t seem to be any other link, other than that the tiredness triggers the depression.

The fact that I’m not losing weight seems to reinforce this feeling of mine. I am being really strict, and even if I eat a couple of squares of chocolate I will work out the calories. I’ve been quite obsessive. I weigh everything. I work it all out very thoroughly every day. So I should be losing weight, but I’m not. I have had a couple of blood tests to check my thyroid, which hasn’t confirmed my theory, but the levels of thyroid hormone fluctuate, and I don’t believe these tests are conclusive.

I’m going to mention it again the next time I see the doctor.

Anyway I have an adult in the house, and she's currently snuggling up with her boyfriend watching a dvd, while I'm in bed with my laptop (sounds excitng doesn't it). She had a bit of a party night, last night, to celebrate her birthday. As it's such a small town, the Open mic night affects the whole town and apart from the weekend Wednesday is the night to go out.

I think she had a good day.

Meg's migraine

2007-04-04T14:32:00.000-07:00

I was going to write on my blog yesterday to say don’t expect much of me this week, as I’ve been so shattered. I’ve been doing work experience and in two days have been to a brilliant Organic media fair, about local inspiring organic businesses, and written up two articles. When I’ve got home I’ve not been capable of doing anything much.

Today didn’t go quite so well, it started off ok, as I fine polished the articles, and chased up a quote or two. However I then started research for an article, which an hour later found out had been double booked, and someone else was doing it. So I was given the other part of the feature which is all about Green homes. I didn’t really mind, because I had to verify quite technical stuff about Volatile Organic Compounds released from paints, and the amount of toxic waste there is from the production of paint. It was interesting, but I don’t have a very technical mind. I prefer the new piece I’m doing, it’s more me.

So I had just about started when I got a call from Megs, in a very distressed state, she was feeling sick, was shaky, and had a terrible headache. She was crying so much I could hardly hear what she was saying, and she was having trouble speaking. Panic stations, trouble was even if I left right away I was over an hour away, and she needed someone to be there with her till I got back. I rang Tamsin (who’s 20 tomorrow), and was out getting a birthday tattoo, but she hadn’t been yet and was in Newquay. I rang my friend but she wasn’t in, and her mobile went to voicemail. So I rang Megs who had just been sick, and said I would be there as soon as possible. I actually got back in five minutes over an hour. I didn’t speed but the roads were pretty clear. Total guilt trip all the way back, what kind of mother am I to leave a 14year old daughter at home etc. Even though she’s completely capable of looking after herself, and normally happy to, as she can have friends round without mum about, the guilt still eats into you. Guilt is a completely useless emotion.

Megs looked awful, there was no colour in her face she was cold and clammy, and when she did try and speak she couldn’t get her words out. She was sick again as I came in, but she said the worse thing was her head. I got a cold wet flannel for her head, but couldn’t give her any painkillers because she was feeling sick. There wasn’t much I could do, I kept changing the flannel. She unfortunately does suffer from headaches, and this seemed like an extreme migraine. When her right hand went numb, and then the whole arm, I decided to call the doctor. I asked, if was possible to speak to a doctor over the phone as there was no way I would be able to get her into the surgery. I was put through to the doctor on call, I described the symptoms, he talked to Megs on the phone, who was clearly having trouble talking, and then said he would come right over. He was here in 10 minutes. I was amazed but very grateful.

After questioning and checking her out really thoroughly, he decided to give her a couple of injections, one for pain relief and one to stop her feeling sick. It was a migraine; apparently you can get numbness in the body with migraine. The problem is Megs has had a problem with needles, the dentist had to send her to a hospital dentist to be given gas, before she can have an injection. She has tried twice to get her ears pierced, but not been able to. She was so out of it, I thought she might be able to do it this time, or at least think it would be worth it to stop the pain and sickness. Unfortunately at the first sight of the needle she couldn’t do it.

The only other alternative was suppositories, so the doctor wrote me out a prescription. He was here at least half and hour, which I was grateful for. However even though he was the on call doctor, he still had patients with appointments to see him while he was out. Which in my eyes, is another example of a failing NHS. See previous posting (lack of communication within NHS).

Luckily Tamsin was back, the tattoo shop was closed, so I was able to go down to pick them up. She had settled a bit, and wasn’t sure at first whether she wanted the suppositories. I don’t blame her, do you? I just wrote I didn’t want to push it, meaning I didn’t want to pressurize her, and it made me laugh, but you know what I mean. She dosed on and off for a bit and then was sick again, so she decided to let me administer them (nicest way to put it). Within 15 minutes she was sick again, and then sat up saying she was feeling better. She didn’t look so out of it. Since then she’s slept on and off, her head was still hurting but not enough to stop her sleeping.

A few hours later
The pain killer suppository has worn off, and although she’s not as out of it as she was earlier, she is feeling sick again and her heads feeling very painful. I’m not going to go in tomorrow, there’s no way I can leave her. So I also have the guilt trip, about not managing to stick at a work placement. I am going to work on the article tomorrow in the day, and will actually probably get more done at home, but I am sure I will need to go in an extra day next week, to get everything finished and gather enough information for my Industry analysis. So far I’ve been so involved in the work, I haven’t been able to learn much about how the whole process of managing and producing their magazine. The only problem is I have so much work to do for Uni, it breaks into the time I have to do that.

Whatever happens my children come first, and if I’m not able to hand in complete versions of my assignments, as long as I can catch up before they are handed in for assessment, it’s not a big problem. The only assessed pieces, due in 2 weeks are the Industry analysis, and the website which is now online.

Megs is sleeping in with me tonight, I think its going to be a long one.

Summer fun

2007-03-30T17:09:00.000-07:00

It would be wonderful, if friends I have made on this course could catch up and have a break over the summer. I realise this may not be possible because of deadlines over the summer, which I have avoided due to giving myself longer to get my book together, and deferring the MA unit.
However these are my only 2holidays I allow myself in the year. It would be great if any of you could make it to any of these lovely festival weekends. www.maker.ik.org & www.beautifuldays.org.uk

Reaching a milestone

2007-03-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

It’s a big moment. I’ve now filled a A4 notebook with notes from interviews, 1st drafts of all sorts of writing, including blog postings, and song lyrics of songs I would like to sing at the open mic night. As I don’t play guitar, I have written down lyrics that I would like to sing acappela.

In my last posting I mentioned I am going to practice some songs with my friend Cyrus. I approached him initially, saying I had a song I wanted to sing which was the ‘Littlest birds’ by the Be good Tanya’s, and we decided on ‘There’s a guy works round the chip shop swears he Elvis’ by Kirstie MacColl as the other song we could do. We practised them for a few weeks but I only got to do them once.

Not playing any instruments to accompany myself I have relied on someone to accompany me, but Cyrus is not there every week, so I have been looking for songs I can sing unaccompanied. If I want to have a go at singing, I can’t rely on people accompanying me.

A favourite song of mine is ‘Homophobia’ by Chumba Wamba and I would love to do that one, but being in a small town, some of the people (not all) out and about in the pubs have a bit of an ignorant point of view, and I don’t know how it will go down. I WILL sing it, but need to get a bit more established singing at the open mic before I do. Actually chances are no-one will be listening anyway, as often everyone’s a little pissed and chatting, although I would actually like people to take notice of the words, as they are very powerful. The other song I would like to sing is the Clash’s ‘Bank robber’, which is a fun song and is easily sung acappela. After I have sung ‘littlest birds’ a couple of times I will hopefully have the opportunity to sing these 2songs.

I will just continue with my quest to firstly sing with Cyrus, and then to sing without accompaniment, as they haven’t got the musicians turning up that used to. I want to sing, I have a good voice, I have a strong voice, and I want the opportunity to show it.

Muddling on

2007-03-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

It’s been a busy week writing, but it seems like I haven’t got much done. I’ve almost finished four pages of an eight page spread of a ‘blad’ for my book. A blad is basically an eight page spread showing example pages from your book. It provides commissioning publishers etc with an idea of the finished product. The trouble is every time I read it, I edit it and change it more, and with the limited time I have left to finish it, I should really be concentrating on the other four pages.

I did go out on Wednesday night again to the Open mic, and have arranged to practice a of couple songs with my friend who accompanies me on guitar, and then hopefully get up and sing it. I was going to do it next week, and then I remembered I had the work experience, so I won’t be going. I had a go last year, but only got to do it once. The past couple of times I have been to the Open mic, it seems that not so many musicians are turning up, so they’re keen for me to sing.

I’ll be fine singing as long as ‘the woman’ is not in my view. She made her presence known more on Wednesday, but I still successfully managed to ignore her. She didn’t seem to be with anyone, and if she wasn’t flirting with someone, she was standing on her own. Not that I feel sorry for her. The way she is, is the reason women don’t want to talk to her much. You make your bed and you lie in it.

Anyway it’s bit of a short post today. I’m getting hungry and need to make some food. I’m still calorie counting and trying to lose weight, but despite eating mostly salads, my jeans are still tight. I am losing lb’s slowly, and I suppose the slower it comes off the easier it will be to maintain my desired weight. Ta Ta for now

Sometimes you don't need to write to have a productive day

2007-03-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

Today or rather yesterday was not a productive day when it comes to writing, but was productive in the preparation for writing. First off I went to the housing benefit office. Opening post and dealing with paperwork fills me with dread. It’s been 5months since I started the course and it’s only today, I took the evidence in to say I’m a student, and get a discount on my council tax. As well as this I was making a claim for housing benefit, and had to make arrangements to pay towards the summons I got last week (see Facing demons post)

I spent over an hour there, and a lot of the time I probably made the woman helping me quite uncomfortable, by my constant tears. I felt completely drained afterwards, and couldn’t get my head round any writing.

Later however, my friend came round, who had inspired me in the first place, to write a book about vaginal medical conditions. The plan was interview her more on lichen sclerosus (LS), specifically this time looking at alternative remedies she has used. What had worked for her, and what hadn’t. We spent a few hours working, chatting, and eating dinner. We gathered a lot of information that I’m sure would be really useful for women with LS to read.

Then after bidding her farewell, I checked my emails. I start work experience at Vitality matters (www.vitalitymatters.org.uk) on Monday, and had an email from the editor. I have had 2articles already published in their magazine. They want me to go to an Organic Business media event on Monday, where small local organic businesses will be promoting themselves. They want me to write an article on Cut4cloth www.cut4cloth.co.uk, a Cornish based company that specialises in making clothing for babies, using natural organically grown cotton, which fits around a cloth nappy. When my daughters were babies I used cloth nappies, and found that babygro’s etc did not fit around them, so I feel this really fits a niche in the market. It’s very exciting to get right in there on my first day, and I’m really looking forward to it.

I also had an email telling me my website was online. As I’m a bit of a technophobe, I didn’t know what I was doing to set it up myself. All the pages are exactly as I had built, and designed them using the dreamweaver package, on the University’s computers. It looks great, all the links work. The only thing I want to change is some of the writing samples, as I have edited and improved them since I designed the site. I have added a link to my website, from this blog. It’s quite basic but I think its good enough for commissioning editors, and publications that may pay me for articles, to get an idea of who I am.

I may not have done any actual writing today, apart from on my blog, and comments on others, but my day has been productive in other ways.

Writing an Opinion piece

2007-03-26T15:09:00.000-07:00

After days in isolation, stuck in my bedroom, so Tams and Megs didn’t get my horrible bug, I’ve been able to venture into the front room and beyond, and felt well enough to do some work. With four days of not writing, I have been panicking about the time I have to do the amount of writing I need to do. However today I have actually managed to almost finish my opinion piece for the features unit.

While I was ill, I caught up on reading newspapers I had lying around. 11 years ago I did my Access course final project on the portrayal of drugs by the media. It was titled ‘More harm than good. A study into the effects of the portrayal of drugs, and their users, by the media.’ The ‘moral panic’ at the time was focused on the drug ecstasy. In a complete turn around, last week, the Independent on Sunday (IOS) apologised for campaigning for the decriminalisation of cannabis 10 years ago, saying the rise in the production of skunk, means that now it is more dangerous than ecstasy. They put forward that super strength skunk is responsible for a rise in teenage schizophrenia, and should be upgraded again.

Bullshit, I’m sorry, but they have based their articles on inconclusive evidence, and inconsistent facts. They say that skunk available now is 25 times stronger than ‘traditional cannabis resin’. They have basically compared the weakest cannabis 10 years ago to the strongest available today, to distort the facts and to support their argument. What they don’t acknowledge was that this super strength skunk has been on the market for many years, including the period when they were calling for decriminalisation 10 years ago.

In my opinion it is undeniable that smoking cannabis heavily, does exasperate mental illness, and increase feelings of paranoia. However it is more likely that people with developing mental health problems, look to cannabis as a means of self medication and escape for a while, than the idea that cannabis causes severe mental problems. They are a very small minority of the cannabis smoking population. Upgrading cannabis again will only affect the millions (9 million+ according to IOS) who smoke cannabis with no damaging effects to themselves or society.

As you can probably guess the IOS report is the subject of my opinion piece, and I have pulled it apart. I will put it on my Jax writer’s spot blog when I have finished it. So I’ve had a good writing day and I hope this trend continues, it needs to if I’m going to get all my work done.

Rant about the NHS

2007-03-24T06:50:00.000-07:00

Woke up yesterday morning, and started having lower abdominal pains, sickness and was hot and cold. I had stomach cramps, which only lasted for a few minutes, but were so painful they had me in tears. I stayed in bed all day and around 5oclock, Megs and Tams insisted I go to the doctors, so Tams took me down. Without an appointment, we had rung up just before we left, I was seen within 5 minutes, as there was nobody else waiting.

The doctor checked me out, and she was quite thorough. I was very tender all over the stomach area, so she ensured me I probably wasn’t pushing my coil out, which I had done about 15 years ago, and was wondering if it might be that. I also had a temperature, and it looked like it was a bug that she had seen in about 4 people that day. I was relieved, she gave me a prescription for some pain killers that would help the pain, and help with the diarrhoea I was most likely to experience next. Sorry to be so blunt.

I have just opened the pain killers, and it’s actually made me quite angry. I have been thinking today of how I’m going to write an opinion piece, for my features unit. I had thought I would write a piece about the waiting time to see a doctor. Today was definitely a break from the norm of waiting often up to an hour, to see the doctor. When you suffer from anxiety, waiting for the doctor is not a pleasant experience, the more I wait the worse I feel, and by the time I get in there, I’m tearful and appear to be a complete wreck.

Why am I angry? I’m angry, because of the excess demands on anyone trying to provide a service, and because communication is so slack, communication that could cost lives. I opened the packet of painkillers, Co-codamol, and I’ve been given 50 of them, the packet was bulging as it was so over packed. I fanned them out and looked at them, enough to end it all. The first thought that hit me was why give me so many? Stomach bugs normally only last a few days. Did she even look at my past history?

I am angry because I’ve really needed the help from the NHS and haven’t received it. I have needed support, but they haven’t given me the support I need. I had a CPN for about a year, and because of the way I am (I can be ok one day, and then the next I’m a mess) she saw me on a couple of better days and let me go. I’m angry because at 40 with three daughters, I asked about sterilisation and was told it was unlikely they would agree because of my mental health. Just because I get a bit depressed doesn’t mean I am not absolutely sure sterilisation is right for me. But apparently I can’t make my own decisions.

I’m angry because every time I crash a bit, by the time I get to see a counsellor (normally about 2 months later), I don’t need the support as much as I did when I asked for it. And I’m angry because I took a couple of Co-codamol, which has helped with the pain, but because of their constipating affect I can’t poo. My body feels like a good poo would really sort it out.

I don’t want sympathy, I just want support. Due to financial constraints, time constraints, and most probably too much unnecessary paperwork, the NHS is failing me and probably many others. I’m not about to take the entire packet of painkillers, but someone else given the opportunity could well do.

Having this rant has made me realise it may not be a good idea to do an opinion piece on the NHS, as it probably won’t be very objective.

Now I’ve added links and have friends popping over to see my postings, I have been worried about writing depressing posts, and wondered whether I should only post happy posts. However before I added the links I found writing things down really therapeutic. It gets it out of your head, and helps make you feel stronger. Having people reading my posts, has also made me focus on writing something positive in each post, which definitely helps. This is the positive bit. So I’m going to carry on being completely selfish, and honest about what’s going on for me.

Facing demons

2007-03-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a ‘facing my demons’ sort of day. First off I went to parents evening at Meg’s school. It is always utter chaos, with the so called appointment system completely disregarded. You basically go from one queue to another. Suffering from anxiety, especially in crowds, it’s not my favourite occasion. I was there for two hours and saw 6 teachers. As I was waiting to see the last one I felt the tears coming, and managed to hold them back, and was so pleased to get out of there.

I had arranged to go down to the open mic, with some friends later in the evening, and as well as feeling drained from the parent’s evening, my stomach was in my heart, thinking about meeting ‘the woman’. My friends turned up and we had a couple of G&T’s, before going out, which did calm my nerves. Anyway I walked in and she was there wearing a little very short suit type thing. Apparently she had worked the room already. After being there for about 10 minutes she came up to me smiling saying ‘Jacqui’, in a pleased to see me sort of way. I just said ‘I don’t want to talk to you’ and walked away. I didn’t crumble, I didn’t call her a slag (although I secretly wished I had).

I really enjoyed the evening, I saw friends I hadn’t seen for ages, her presence didn’t bother me. She saw me smiling, having a good time with lots of friends around me. Helen later came up to me, and said Mel had asked her to ask me if she could talk to me. I told her to tell Mel she could fuck right off. I had been so nervous about going, and combined with people buying me drinks, I did end up a bit drunk, but I didn’t do anything to make a fool of myself.

The only problem is I know when I’m not brilliantly well, that a night drinking has a big effect on my mood the next day. Despite knowing I enjoyed myself, and I presented the image of ‘I’m not bothered’ successfully, I can’t shake the blues today. I think maybe I also did too much yesterday.

It also didn’t help that I got a summons in the post this morning. It was for Council tax on my old place back in 2004. When we sold the house I went to the council tax office, and said I wanted to pay everything I owed on that property, and they presented me with a figure that I paid. Unfortunately they did not mention this £330.00. I thought it was all square, and now when I’ve got no money left, and have no idea how I’m going to afford my extortionately high rent, they hit me with this. I am so annoyed that when I went to pay off all my arrears last year, they didn’t give me the correct figure to pay, and now I have to go and see them and make an arrangement to pay them. I’m also really pissed off as it’s my ex husbands debt as well as mine, and I know he’ll just say well I haven’t got any money if I ask him for something towards this bill.

Anyway I’m just telling myself this mood will pass, it is probably to do with drinking too much last night, and hopefully tomorrow I’ll be back to firing on all cylinders again.

Vagina fact

2007-03-21T04:29:00.000-07:00

I think I’m getting there, the past couple of days I’ve been able to focus on writing. I’ve written up my profile for features, and managed to redo my non fiction book competition sheet, in the format required (in two columns) which was actually easy. I am writing a book on medical conditions of the vaginal area, which I decided to do, as I have a friend with lichen sclerosus, and despite it being quite common it’s not well known about. In my book women with such conditions, are going to be put forward the experts, and with a mixture of information and women’s stories I hope it will be an empowering useful book.
So last night, after doing a satisfying amount of work, I started to read Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues. I had gone to see the play a couple of years ago and it was brilliant. It’s eye opening, and thought provoking. So far she’s spoken to women who have gone through cultural genital mutilation, women who have been raped. There have been some less depressing stories as well; such as an over 60’s woman’s view of her vagina, and a young woman discovering where her clitoris is. Monologues are intermingled with facts, and I had tried to remember this one since I went to see the play. At the play we all chanted this at regular occasions throughout the evening:

Vagina Fact
“The clitoris is pure in purpose. It is the only organ in the body designed purely for pleasure. The clitoris is simply a bundle of nerves: 8,000 nerve fibres, to be precise. That’s a higher concentration of nerve fibres than is found anywhere else in the body, including the fingertips, lips, and tongue, and it is twice….twice….twice…the number in the penis. Who needs a handgun, when you’ve got a semiautomatic.”
From Woman, An intimate geography, by Natalie Angier

Definitely a reason for women to celebrate.

Replacing negative with positive.

2007-03-19T15:44:00.000-07:00

I‘ve just seen ‘the woman’ at the supermarket. I don’t know whether she saw me before, as she was making her way to the checkout. Seeing her knocked me sideways, although I knew the day would come. At first I stared at her with a definite ‘you bitch’ sort of look, and then the nerves got me and I walked up the aisle. Despite having finished my shopping, I wandered up and down the next aisle so she could pay and leave, so I wouldn’t have to see her again. I wasn’t ready for it, my heart was pounding, and I felt completely vulnerable. Why should I feel like this? I haven’t done anything wrong.

I walked out of the shop, with my shoulders back, in a confident manner just in case she was still in the car park. I got back still feeling wobbly, despite telling myself I’m strong, I’m able to not let this bring me down etc. So I decided to do something positive. A couple of weeks ago now, (after Ian had gone) I started calorie counting. Clothes that were loose on me in September were getting really tight on me. As well as being unhappy about my weight gain, it was really the fact I can’t afford to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe in a bigger size, which kick started the diet.

I’ve been spending a few minutes a day working out my calorie count for the day, so that’s what I did. I have been finding it easier as I go along to work out calories, and am getting a good idea of what to avoid. I’ve always been interested in nutrition, and I’m not cutting out any thing I need in my diet. All in all, I’m eating very healthily at the moment. After the first week I lost a lb, and at the end of this week I have lost 2. It’s coming off slowly, which is the best way I think as you have longer to establish a habit of healthy eating.

At this rate, I will be back to my happy size in time for warmer weather. Which seems a long way away; with the weather we’re having at the moment. It’s sooooo cold. Am off to snuggle under duvets.

mothers day

2007-03-18T06:47:00.000-07:00

It’s Mothers day, and I was greeted this morning, with a cup of coffee, and a big wrapped up box. Megan had got me a foot spa, and Tamsin got me a book token. How mother’s days have changed. It’s getting more and more commercial, it used to be just about a card and giving your mum a lovely day. Don’t get me wrong, I love the pressies, and they made me feel special, but I also feel it’s a shame mother’s day has changed so much. It seems like its any excuse to get people to part with their money.

Thinking of my mum, I went out to find some flowers yesterday, and found the shop almost sold out, except for bunches costing £20. How can anyone justify spending £20 on flowers that are likely to be dead in a week? I was just thinking ‘Oh well I’ll go and get a card,’ when I had a brainwave, I decided to make a card.

I got back, and went over a few ideas in my head, and having settled on a card using some lovely wool I had, I got creative. I need to be creative occasionally, I don’t mean being creative with words, I mean being creative with textures and colours. I find it’s really therapeutic, and at the end you have something beautiful to look at. I was really pleased with the card, and I’m sure my Mum will appreciate it more than a bunch of flowers.

For all you Mother’s out there, have a lovely day.

P.S Megs has just talked me through putting photo's on my blog. I was wondering why my photos had dissapeared, and it was because she had used her photobucket account, and had deleted my photo's. So we set up my own photobucket account, and I'm all singing and dancing again. Check out my beady creations on my 'Good writing night' post in December 06.

P.P.S For a posting of some interesting quotes, check out my other blog Jax writers spot.

Take your Mama out all night

2007-03-17T06:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I went out and had a brilliant night with my daughter and her mates. Megan was going on a sleepover, and I’d just had a funky haircut, so I thought I should seize the opportunity, and go out on the town. No one I knew was going out, but Tamsin said come out with me, and I was so glad I did.

We went to the Swan which had a band playing. They did covers, and did them well. They did Nirvana teen spirit, and other equally rocking tracks. The pub was filled with young people, and at first I felt a bit like the odd one out, but after a few drinks I loosened up a bit, and felt comfortable. I spoke to some of my daughter, Alices’s friends (Alice had only left a few minutes before I got there), and was made to feel very welcome by Tamsin’s friends.

I’d had a good day (mood wise), which was lucky, as I’d only been there half an hour when Ian’s brother Paul, and his girlfriend Helen (who I have known for years) came in, with Paul’s kids. I was enjoying myself, and I didn’t crumble, which I thought I would do if I saw them. In the time I was with Ian, I saw Paul’s kids a lot, and have lovely memories of time spent with them. It was great to see them. Paul and Helen also did a set, which was great. They run the Open mic night, (on a Wednesday), which I don’t get to now because of an early start on a Thursday morning, and I’ve missed their music.

Tamsin and I nattered all night, and she told me tonight how she was pissed off at her dad, because he’s abandoned his responsibilities, not so much to her as she’s older but to Megan. She realises he needed to go to India and follow his dreams, and acknowledges it’s maybe what he needed. But she is annoyed at the lack of monetary contribution he’s given, and acknowledges how much support whether it’s been financial or not, is always available from me.

She also said she understood why we split up. When her dad was around he would take his bad mood out on the nearest person, and she said how after he had gone the house was much more chilled.

She told me she’d thought she’d had a good upbringing, and how her upbringing helped her to be an independent person. It meant so much to me to hear this. Especially as with all my daughters, they saw me as a complete mess for a fair few months. And since then, they have seen me go down again and again. Tamsin is a very strong beautiful young woman and I’m so proud of her. I am so proud of all of my kids they are all very interesting individual spirits.

She also revealed how worried she was about me about a year and a half ago, she was worried I might do something stupid, such as end it all. It was good to have such a completely honest chat with her, as I was able to say, I would have never have done anything, because I knew I had my 3girls to be there for. That’s the only thing that kept me going.

Through all the years my kids have seen lots of crap, most of the time they’ve had 2 fairly unconventional parents. Their voices have always been important, to me. To be told I’ve been a good mother, when all along I’ve been thinking what a mess I’ve made of it all, was absolutely brilliant.

Tamsin is twenty in a couple of weeks, another big milestone, no longer a teenager. Her turning twenty soon has been making me feel old, however sitting, chatting, and laughing with a group of her friends in the pub, made me feel quite young. I didn’t feel out of place at all. I was reminded again of my age, when I was introduced to lads, (or rather men), I remember as little ones playing outside in the cul de sac we used to live in. It was a most enjoyable and enlightening evening.

Sometimes you don't have to wait till tomorrow to feel better

2007-03-15T16:38:00.000-07:00

I have stayed on blogger since my last posting, as I decided to read around a few more friend’s blogs. They’ve all got links to other sites, and I had been too cowardly earlier to change my template, in order to add links. But thinking I needed to learn not to be so scared of technology, I took the plunge. It was easy, and it looks exactly the same, which I’m pleased with. I was worried they wouldn't have a template I liked. I then went to add links, and added 4 links, only one of which worked. I had been guessing the url based on the names of the blogs.

So I thought that’s ok, I can email and ask for the url’s, and carried on looking around. Then (light bulb moment), I realised the addresses were displayed on the toolbar. How stupid am I? So I did it, I added links to blogs, and when my website is live in a couple of weeks I can add that too. It’s all exciting stuff.

Only trouble is now I don’t feel like I can sleep, I’m too tired to try and focus on some work. I could read my book, which unusually, I’m taking a long time to get through. Or I could find something worth watching on the television. But I think I’m going to read some more blogs.

Tomorrow's another day

2007-03-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

Well it’s certainly been a week of ups and downs. Some days I’ve felt almost positive, that I’m getting there, that things are achievable. And other days, I’ve been in trying to hold back the tears mode, with everything in my life seeming completely hopeless and unmanageable.

Tuesday, for example, I was fine. I joined in, in the features class, and got good feedback for my piece. Soon after getting home, I emailed my first pitch to write an article for a magazine. Yet it was a wobbly Wednesday, and today I’ve just about managed to muddle through.

I cheered myself up for a bit this afternoon, by checking up on my friend’s blogs, which are all really good. I read three accounts, of last Friday night, when a group of fellow students were roughly manhandled out of a night club, because one of them nodded off. Not because they were dancing on the tables, or involved in a fight, but because my friend put her head down on a sofa. I’ve seen the bruises on my friends arm.

I’ve now broken up for the Easter break, which isn’t a break due to the mountains of work to do. So I intend to check out the blogs more often, and keep in contact with everyone. Anyway, I’m feeling pretty brain dead now. Tomorrow’s another day, I’ll let you know where it takes me.

Friends are brilliant

2007-03-11T05:36:00.000-07:00

Friday was a good day and a bad day. It started off as a bad day. Feeling very wobbly I set off for Uni. I was expecting a ten minute tutorial with the MA Unit lecturer, and ended up sat with everyone at a reading group. Tutorials were happening in the corner of the room, and running really late. Still feeling really fragile, I was consciously guarding myself against a sudden exposure of my emotions, (I know that worrying about losing control of my emotions in front of people, is destructive, and fuels anxiety, but I’m still not convinced that it’s not justified. I wouldn’t want anyone to see me as a gibbering wreck).

However I felt really comfortable being around friends, and really enjoyed reading extracts of their writing. People came in and out, and there were never too many people at a time, which felt really manageable. I’m not doing fiction, and all the work I read was 1st draft extracts of future novels. They all made me want to read on. When I first went in they had a copy of Vitality Matters, a free Cornish magazine on health and wellbeing, and I had an article in there. I’d written it before Christmas and was waiting for it to be put in. Fi another friend on the course also had an article in there, so it was a double celebration.

After talking through my MA proposal, I went to the course meeting, and then had a coffee with Christina, the course leader, to talk over my wobbles. Although feeling really fragile, as I talked I realised, I’ve only missed 1 ½ lectures, and kept up with all the work apart from one piece, and I’d done this whilst dealing with a bad patch. I left about three, still not registering what good the day had done me, as all day the main thing on my mind was the evening.

I’d arranged to go out and see a friend, Cyrus, doing his first gig at a local wine bar. I’d suggested it to some of my best mates and they were up for coming along. However the thought I couldn’t get rid of, was that I might see ‘the woman’. Her brother works at the bar, and as she has babysitter’s every weekend, so she could be there. Worries plagued my head. How would I cope if I saw her? Would the tears come? Would I lose control of my emotions? Would I have to leave? Would it ruin the evening?

I wanted to go out in town not only to see my friend playing, but also because I wanted to show all the people, who would have heard all the gossip, that I’m alright and strong (even if it wasn’t exactly true). I was also in danger of becoming agoraphobic when it comes to socialising, and needed to break that pattern.

I made an effort, put on some make up (I only wear make up on nights out), and picked out a nice top to wear instead of just a T shirt. Dee arrived with her boyfriend and cousin, and we had a quick glass of wine, and made our way down. As I walked in, Rach and Teresa had just got there, and there was no sign of ‘the woman’. After about half an hour I was having a lovely time, catching up with my friends. Cyrus played a variety of songs to suit all tastes, and the bar was soon buzzing, and singing along.

‘The woman’ did not come in all night, and even if she had, I felt I would probably deal with it fine. With my friends around me I felt stronger. Teresa said to me she thought doing this course, and being so motivated, (I had turned down some wild parties due to writing), showed I had a lot of strength. Thinking about the day, and coming out in the evening, I accepted I had.

The evening out really helped my confidence. I got merry, but not drunk, and I was home by 12.30 and was asleep by 1.00. Yesterday I had quite a productive day and didn’t wobble, although I still thought a lot. I always have to take one day at a time when I’m like this, but hopefully I’m on the up again. We’ll see.

Prisoner

2007-03-08T08:40:00.000-08:00

I feel like a prisoner in my own house (or rather small flat). I didn’t go out last night, I didn’t want to see ‘the woman’. I knew I could easily lose control (in a wimpish crying sort of way, as opposed to an aggressive sort of way), if I saw her. I don’t want to go out anywhere really, just in case I bump into her, or anyone of my ex boyfriends family. I don’t want them to see the tears, that will come if I see any of them.

I feel trapped, not only in my home, but in this low emotional state. I’m getting on with writing thou, I am determined that this low mood won’t jeopardise my course. Luckily the feature I have to write for next week, is on Ginger, and as alternative remedies and health is an area I have a lot of knowledge about, this won’t be too difficult.

Fragile

2007-03-07T11:59:00.000-08:00

Just when I think I’m doing ok, something happens which brings home how fragile I am at the moment.

To start with my friend is very low, and after a bump in her car it needs to go into the garage. Living in rural Cornwall, being without transport is a diaster. She was able to get a courtesy car but had to pick it up from about 6 miles away, and as it is a car she’s never driven before, she doesn’t think she can do it. She has always had panics about driving, unless it’s in her own familiar car, along roads she know’s. I completely feel for her, and can understand her phobia, because of my own experience of panic. I really wanted to help, and suggested sitting in the car with her while she drove back and got used to the car.

Then I got to thinking, how would we get there?, when can I fit it in?, If I took my car how would I get back to pick it up?, and I felt panicked. I wanted to help a really good friend out, but I wasn’t sure if I could. I will do whatever I can to help.

Then I got a phonecall from another friend to tell me the latest. Apparantly the woman who my now ex boyfriend woke up with the other night, wants to talk to me. I’ve known her for years, she was a friend of a friend and came round my house a few times. I visited her a few years back. Since then whenever we have seen each other we’ve had a bit of a natter, but never kept in touch unless we’ve bumped into each other.

When I was told she wanted to talk to me, I felt the anger raging inside me. If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know it’s only recently since I’ve accepted there is a lot of anger within me, which is a change from my normal characteristic trait of being a walkover. I have always taken on board, too much of other people’s perception of life, at the expense of my own. So I end up being a walkover. But no more. Now I’m told the woman who flirted with, and invited my man back to her place, wants to talk to me. What do I do? Do I see the situation from her perspective, as I have done before. I can envisage whats she’s going to say, maybe she’ll tell me she thought he was single, I don’t think so because they talked about me on the night. Even if she did think he was single, she still has, or had a boyfriend at the time.

I’ve just this minute found out, that she is going out tonight. I want to go out but I really don’t know how I am going to cope seeing her. I’ll probably not be able to stop the tears. I know there will be friends there, that will be there for me and support me. I want to go out, but I am afraid I will lose it, in public. I live in a small town and losing control in front of people of the town, will have detrimental effects. I realise how fragile I am. Should I go out? Or should I not? I will let you know what I do.

Not going down

2007-03-07T03:10:00.000-08:00

As often happens when I get low I find something to help me through it. This time I’ve been drawn to music, and have started to do a new tape collection for the car. By managing to do the tapes it illustrates how I can do things, and shows how I’m not completely incapable.

I’ve also decided to get fit and lose some weight, as another thing getting me down is that I’ve put on almost a stone since starting the course. I am not going to go out and buy new clothes, as all my clothes are tight on me, I am going to lose the weight. When I was at University the last time, I went up to size16 from a 12 over the four years, and after leaving lost 3 ½ stone with calorie counting. For the past few days I have been calorie counting, and aim to keep it going. For some more tips I brought myself a health magazine, and looking through it I came across a few one line bits of news, and links, which I can find out more about and produce features about.

I haven’t been able to focus or concentrate on doing work for a few days, although I have managed to keep up the rest of the time. Now I feel like I can get back into it again. I know I’m not in a good way still, but I still think I can do this course. I know I need to take one day at a time, and not beat myself up if I can’t keep up one day.

I know this depressive interlude is not all to do with the break up with my boyfriend last week, as I was going down before that. However that incident kind of tipped me over the edge last week. I am not going to let a man knock me sideways. I am going to come back fighting.

Even though I do have periods of debilitating depression and feel weak and useless, I know am a strong person. Also I’ve been through periods of depression enough, to know I will come out of it.

Wallowing

2007-03-04T07:22:00.000-08:00

What is it with, when you get so low, you wallow in it. Last time, I broke down so much I couldn’t function, one thing I was able to do was read, yet I couldn’t concentrate on any television programe. Despite not being able to cook a meal, or deal with opening any post, I had the concentration to read which amazes me, and I’m still not sure why. It was actually a long time ago since shutting down last (1 ½ years), and although I’m getting close to that again, I’m determined not to go there again.
At that time, I wallowed in my depression, and being able to read, I escaped within it. I read Lucky and Lovely Bones by Alice Seebold, The Bell jar by Slyvia Plath ( who committed suicide 2 weeks after this book was published), Veronica decides to die by Paulo Coehlo, and Prozac nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel. I was not able to do anything else, but I read 2 or 3 books a week and still remember all the stories vividly.
As well as these very depressing books, I read Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath, Huxley’s Island, Memoirs of a Geisha, Orwell’s The road to Wigan pier, and about 5 of Paulo Coehlo stories (he’s a great story teller). Books helped me through that period, and I feel like I might be going there again, but this time I’m wallowing in music.
I have lots of angry male music, 3colours red, Rage against the machine, etc, but this morning I woke up thinking, I needed some good angry woman’s vocals, and I didn’t mean Alanis Morrisette. I had listened to Gossip’s single ‘Standing in the way of control’ a few times in the car, on the radio, and after seeing the lead singer doing Temptation with Jarvis Cocker, on the NME music awards last night, I was even more convinced of her passion for music and her talent. So I went out and brought the album. I’ve got it on repeat, while I’m writing ths blog, and it’s brilliant. She’s so refreshing, she tells it as it is, she’s not a skinny, trying to be sex symbol, like a lot of the girl singers, out there now. On the cd cover she’s wearing a sexy dress, she is a sexy woman, and she hasn’t shaved her underarms, which is great. Why the fuck should we! I’ve always felt this and while in a realtionship for 21 years, I was happy to be me and not shave, since being a single woman out there, the pressure to shave bits and bobs is more in my face. Anyway listen to Gossip I think they are great.
Going back to wallowing, instead of reading this time round, I’ve been listening to music fitting my mood. I’ve been listening to Obediant Bone, which is a Devon band I think, and I’m looking forward to seing them again soon. The other side of the tape I’ve done for the car, is Lamb, Between darkness and wonder. One song (track 5) I have listened to again and again, it goes like this:

Whats left to say, with all thats come and gone
Words get in the way, and any way, the devils got your tongue
And the storm brews inside
And there’s nowhere to hide
It’s gonna blow your cover sky high (I worry bout this happening at Uni)
If you let this thing go, It’s gonna burn, it’s gonna burn
You’re going to take the whole world with you, when you go

Burn Burn Burn
What you going to do when the storm takes over
Oh oh oh
What you going to do when the storm takes over

So here you are
Demon’s screaming in your head, You try to shut them out
But they just get louder, instead
And nothing you do, can seem to break through
This darkness smothering you
When it takes hold, and your heart turns cold
Your very soul seeps out of you.

Burn Burn Burn
What you going to do when the storm takes over, takes over you
Oh oh oh
Can you hold this thing?
Can you hold this thing?

Till the clouds clear

Without the powerful music behind it, it’s probably not so easy to imagine how the song goes. This is probably one of the best lyrics describing depression that I’ve heard, the music compliments the words completely. Why do I wallow and find myself leaning towards words expressing how I feel? Does it help? Probably not.

Clearing out the clutter.

2007-03-01T01:20:00.000-08:00

Well he’s gone. If you read my last post you’ll know that Ian (my now ex boyfriend), stayed out all Sunday night. He came back at about two in the afternoon caked in mud, saying he had woken up in a field. Last night however he went to the local open mic night, and a girl I am friendly with (Mel) had been telling everyone, Ian spent the weekend with her. I was at home last night, in bed, as I had to be up at 6.30.

Anyway Mel was at the open mic night, and asked if Ian wanted to walk back with her, and then my friend punched her and split her lip, she doesn’t normally do this sort of thing. Ian had forgotten his keys, so at 2.30 am I had to answer the door to him, and he told me about the fight, and what people had been saying about him.

Damage control, I would imagine, as we live in a small town. It finally came out that he had woken up in Mel’s bed on Monday morning, and then gone walking in fields. He says he doesn’t remember if anything happened, but he did stay there, and that’s enough for me to call it a day. So this morning he packed his bags and went. Funnily enough it was only a couple of weeks and we would have been together a year.

So onwards and upwards I go, now without another kid to look after. It’s weird though, yesterday I was feeling so depressed I could hardly manage to cook a meal, and today although I feel angry, I feel quite strong. It was definitely time to clear out the clutter from my life.

Letting off steam

2007-02-26T12:03:00.000-08:00

The other night, Thursday to be precise, I walked back from town, after a few drinks, but not too many, and I screamed. I screamed as loud as I could in the middle of the road. I let out lots of bitterness and anger, that I’d held in for a long time. I was angry at my ex husband, Mark, mostly. He is now finding love and light in India, after hassling me for months with some really nasty texts, and then by being friendly, and insisting on selling the family home so we could split the profits.

I had never wanted to buy the house in the first place. It was a council house, and I don’t agree with buying council houses. It was secure, but to keep Mark happy, and to fulfill his dream of owning a house, I agreed and we brought it. One saving grace, was the bit I got from selling the house, helped pay for the MA course.

Now he’s in India, and was going to stay there as he found love there. Last Sunday I had him on the phone to me crying, because he had split up with his girlfriend, and had been willing to give up everything for her, including being near his children. After spending days worrying about Megan, because she was so distressed, crying everyday as her dad wasn’t coming back, of course I had a lot of sympathy for him.

My middle daughter Alice moved in with her boyfriend (another Mark) and his mum, shortly after her GCSE’s which was not long after we split up. Now Mark’s mum is looking for a flat, just for her and her boyfriend, and when she finds a place, Alice and Mark could be homeless. It could be in a week or a few months. They are looking for places, but it’s more difficult to get places when you’re under 25, so I’m looking out for a three bedroomed place we could maybe share.

I don’t have a family home anymore. I don’t have a base for the girls to come back to. I live in a 2bedroomed flat, with a front room/kitchen combined. Tamsin my eldest daughter comes back for the holidays as she’s at Uni, and has to sleep on a mattress in the front room. To have that 24/7 if Alice moves in would be murder. But what else can I do I can’t see her on the streets.

So there is a lot of anger and bitterness inside me. I gave up the family home to get Mark off my back, however by being weak and doing this, I don’t have a family base. Also the bit of money I made from the house sale, although I’ve spent some on doing this course, has mainly gone on rent, bills, and money for the girls, and now its gone. Wheras with Mark he’s given the girls a few token payments and spent the rest on himself. He’s hasn’t given me any money to help with the cost of our children. When I spoke to him on the phone on that Sunday, I was picking up Alice from work, and he also spoke to her, and told her if she visualised a flat it will happen. Funnily enough, I visualised an envelope full of money with my name on it, on the floor in the supermarket, and it didn’t happen.

So I screamed and I screamed, not really saying anything but just screaming. My problem is that I hate and avoid conflict. Friends tell me I’m really nice, and when my friends say that I cry. I cry because I wish I wasn’t, because I’m actually a walkover, and don’t want to be. This is why I stayed with Mark for so long, and why I’m still with my current boyfriend.

You may have thought I should have learned. Ian was an alcoholic when I met him, drinking in the morning through to night. But I saw more to him, he is heart and soul and cares about people, and he cares about me. Although he’s changed loads since meeting me, after dealing with my screaming incident, which focused on me instead ot him, he’s been going on benders.

Friday night he stayed out all night, and crashed for a couple of hours on the bench, outside his sister in laws place. Sunday at about 6, I had finished writing, and was spending time clearing up the mess I’d ignored for a long time. Ian offered to go into to town to buy me some baccy, and some wine to have with our meal, Beef and Guinness stew with roasted veg and brussel sprouts. At 9.00 I gave up on waiting, and went down to get tobacco, which he knew I was almost out of. The beef was not so much tenderised, but more disintegrated. He didn’t come back till 2.00 pm the next day, after I had tried to stay awake till after 1am, as I thought at any time, I may have to answer the door. He had woken up in a field near Padstow.

I need to focus on writing, and today when I’d discovered he had returned, after interviewing a local artist for the next edition of bloc-online.com, I told him to go. Soon after he fell asleep, and is still asleep now. I think I need to be my own person and be single again. If I’m single I can totally focus on this course. I am loving writing, and don’t need distractions. I can’t put up with any other persons problems, on top of my own, and problems my children may have. Maybe he’ll go and I can be happy being single again, or maybe I’ll give in and he’ll stay on a bit longer. I’m hoping I’m not going to give in, and stick to my guns.