Friday, April 27, 2007

Young free and single (ok maybe not so young)

It was quite a low beginning to the week, but it got better. After a non productive Monday, rising panic about all the work due in, I was still feeling exhausted on Tuesday. I drove to Falmouth, for a 15 minute tutorial, and got some good comments on my work, which made it worth the journey. I was there for less than an hour and I felt so shattered when I got back I collapsed on the bed.

Around 8 I got a phone call from Ian asking if he could stay, so he could get to the jobcentre the next day. He’s staying at a friend’s who lives in the middle of nowhere. He could get a lift in so I said ok. I didn’t really want to see him. I had been thinking a lot about him being round; that we were slipping back into behaving like a couple which I didn’t want, I shouldn’t be still jumping into bed with him, that we have been walking into town and what would happen if we bumped into ‘the woman’ would he talk to her, how would I react? etc.

With all this confusion the past couple of weeks, and a lot of thinking, I had made up my mind I was going to say that I needed him to stop coming over, it as over and I need to move on. So actually Tuesday night provided an opportunity to have a talk. We talked, I said what was on my mind, he understood why, but it was sad. Sad because it could have been good, sad because I knew it couldn’t be. But also positive, as we had a fun year.

Now I’ve got to stick by my decision, which I know may not be easy. He said he would give up on me if that’s what I wanted, and I said it was, but I’m still not sure that he won’t ring, or turn up on my doorstep. He knows I know he has nowhere else to stay in town, although I don’t think he’ll be turned away by ‘the woman’. Maybe he will leave me be.

I felt stronger the next day. Despite ending up having a late night, I didn’t feel so tired and I was able to write the introduction to my book, as well as taking time to drive my daughter to minor injuries, as she twisted a ligament during a long jump at school. Meg’s knee wasn’t too bad, after a few hours she stopped limping so much, and today it’s a lot better.

Today I took my laptop into uni, and between a bit of a class, and tutorials I edited three articles for assessment. Looking back at the week, it seems that when I lifted a load off my mind, I got my energy back.

Only just this minute (Thursday evening 9.30), Ian’s walked through the door.

It’s 9.00 in the morning, (Friday) so the ‘today’ I wrote above now means yesterday. As you know Ian turned up, he had walked the 6 ½ miles from the caravan as he wanted to make a phone call in the morning (he didn’t have any credit on his phone). It was ok we had a good natter about allsorts including his songs. He’s a very talented songwriter and had just written a new song. Here’s a line from it;

“My lifes a pantomime I think a lot of me is fake. I walk a thin line between reality and escape”

We talked about how, sometimes he doesn’t know where the words come from, and then he looks at them afterwards and says ‘oh that’s what I’m feeling’. We had quite a deep conversation about childhood and how we carry stuff through to adulthood etc, and we talked about moving on from each other. He slept on the sofa.

Now I’ve warmed up my writing muscles by finishing off this posting, I need to get on with the serious stuff.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Off for an early night

Just realised it’s my birthday 2 weeks after my brother’s birthday, which is this Wednesday, and all our work is due in two days after that. So what have I done to ensure I’m on the track to getting everything finished? I’ve sat on my arse, staring at the laptop. I think the thought of it all has tired me out.

Or could it be because I spent Friday extreme spring cleaning well into the evening, prior to my landlord’s visit on Saturday, had a couple of fun energetic evenings, and then on Sunday packed up Tamsin’s belongings into the car, drove to Exeter, unloaded and drove back? Whatever the reasons, I feel absolutely shattered, braindead, and have not actually achieved much today, apart from having a blood test, for thyroid again. I hope it shows something up this time, it would explain my constant tiredness.

Oh no wait a minute, I’ve also finally set up a link so I can change my website. Anyway that’s it, I’m off to get an early night.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I've got to write something down

I’ve got to write something down, to try and work out, what needs to come out of my head. I feel completely drained, and low, even though I went into Uni and saw friends, and had a really good class. I’m putting it down to having time on my own to think today, which I haven’t had for a few days. Time to ponder on how I feel about Ian being around, whether I should have kept him more at arms length etc.

When I got back I popped to the shop, and saw Ian’s sister in law, who said that Ian had been round twice shouting at her. Immediately I started feeling like shit, I didn’t need this, I’m not getting involved, will they blame me for letting him stay?, should I have let him stay?, would it have been easier if I hadn’t? (for me and for them)

So I get back to find him on the house phone to London (one very annoying thing about him is that I often find him on the house phone when I get back from somewhere). When I’m here he normally drop calls people, but how do I know whether he’s phoned them or they’ve phoned him when I’m not there.

After he got off the phone, he just ranted and ranted, about how he’d told her what he felt, how apparently his brother wants to hit him, and he’s got to go and see him and get it over with. It’s a long complicated story line, Ian and his family. I won’t bore you with it. I don’t want all this again, I don’t need the hyper moods, and I’m realising I was wrong to let him in again. It was great to see him at first, but the past few days he’s been annoying me. He had started doing things he used to, such as ranting, and winding Megan up. When those two get together, it’s like dealing with two hyperactive naughty loud children.

I also felt he was spinning me a yarn. I had a feeling about the phone calls he got, between the ranting this evening. When he said he was talking to his sister he called her sweetheart, which he says to many friends who are women, even my friends which they’ve got used to. However I’ve heard him chat on the phone loads in the past year, and he has never called his sister sweetheart. Something just didn’t ring true. Whatever my reasons for these thoughts, it shows the trust has gone, and once that’s gone it’s over.

I was saved by the doorbell. My friends Dee and Steve turned up. Steve was taking Ian to his place for the night, and then coming back for Dee, as they had to be at friends for eight. At 20past eight he turned up. Ian had persuaded him to call round at his brothers on the way, and apparently Ian and his brother had a big row, there was lots of screaming, walking up and down the street, banging of doors etc. I felt awful for Steve. Steve really likes Ian, and wanted him to stay and not go back to London before, however I worry about Ian imposing himself. It’s the same feeling I had with my ex husband, I felt responsible for his actions, and felt guilty when he let anyone down.

I know it’s wrong for me to feel like this. Guilt is a completely useless emotion.

Anyway I’m on my own. I can relax. Yeah!!!! Writing this down has really helped, I’m not feeling as low. I’m still feeling pretty drained but that’s nothing a goods night sleep won’t fix. I only hope Ian either decides to go back to London, or if he decides to stay at Steve’s, it’s because Steve’s happy with that, and that he pays his way. The past couple of days have reinforced why I can’t have Ian in my life. I wasn’t strong but I’ll know to be next time he visits.

It's so confusing.

Back at Uni today and looking forward to seeing all my friends. I haven’t finished my Industry analysis, due in on Friday, but hope to get stuck into that this evening and tomorrow. Then just to add to the stress my landlords calling round on Saturday, so after hand in there’s no rest; I need to blitz the house. While I’ve got lots of writing to do, I don’t get much clearing up done, and the little jobs like cleaning the cupboards etc get left completely. So after hand in on Friday I’ve got to come back and clean.

On top of that I’ve had Ian staying, and it looks like he may give Cornwall another go. He’s going to stay at a friends tonight and I’m hoping he can stay there most of the time. I don’t need him around. It’s been a confusing few days, I know there are feelings there, I’ve enjoyed the cuddling, the company etc, but I know I can’t go there. In this case it’s right to let my head override my heart. He doesn’t work, he has no money, and he cowers from responsibility, and it’s been like that since we met. His rebelness I was attracted to, in the first place, is not what I need. After a year he hasn’t changed, if I am to be in a relationship with anyone, I need someone who will at least pay their way. And someone who will not go off on a bender and end up in someone’s bed. The trust has definitely still gone, and you need trust in a relationship.

Maybe jumping into bed was not a good idea, it’s enabled us to get comfortable with each other again. But I know in my mind he’s not the man for me, because of the way he is. Maybe I should have been strong and kept him at arms length. Although I am strong verbally, in that I’ve been clear I don’t want to be with him. I’ve contradicted that by getting intimate with him. We’ll just have to see how this week goes, if he can stay at his friends more permanently etc. I know with him in Cornwall it’s going to be more difficult I want to move on with my life, not be reminded of my feelings and the hurt all the time.

What if we do manage to go our separate ways, and I see him flirting with women in the pub, how will I feel? For me it’s easier if he goes back to London, but that’s completely selfish. It’s very rough where he lives, although it has a good community feel about it. On the downside he’s surrounded by alcoholics, drug addicts and violence up there. Who can blame him from wanting to escape? It’s so difficult and so confusing.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Who was I kidding?

Why did I have a bath on Thursday afternoon and shave all my legs etc, if I was going to be strong, and not jump into bed with Ian? Who was I kidding? As soon as I saw him we hugged and kissed, and it felt right. We talked; he told me he thinks about me every day, that he was such an idiot for messing it up. I told him I was pleased to see him (I didn’t know whether I would be), that we can’t go back to being a couple, but could be good friends.

As the night went on it was getting clear that the physical attraction is still there, and we kind of decided maybe we’ll be friends that sleep together every so often. After 6 weeks of no sex, the night turned out to be very satisfying. So was I weak? I have my needs, and we’re very compatible that way, I don’t know whether I’ll ever find that sexual comfort zone with anyone else. A relationship should be based on love and trust, and not just sex. I have made it clear I can’t be anything more than a friend; I need to be single at the moment, as I have too much to do. Also I can’t be let down again. I don’t need someone who is essentially a drifter and always will be. Ian knows this, and I think he understands where I’m coming from.

Having sex with an ex is bit like getting drunk, we know that getting drunk is probably not a good idea, but we still go ahead and do it again and again.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

The dangers of Gin and Tonic

What a hectic week, I finished the work placement, and learnt a lot from it, such as how to knock out articles quickly, and write for the style of the publication. I also think my editing has improved. Now all I have to do is to write my Industry analysis.

Problem is today I have a hangover and can’t seem to focus on work. I went out to the Open mic last night. As I’ve only been treating myself to the little bottles of wine as part of my calorie counting, I got quite drunk after drinking G&T’s all night. I didn’t realise how much until I started to walk home, and it was a struggle to get back. I fell over a couple of times, and have bruises on my hands and under my chin!!? I hope nobody saw me.

Needless to say I’m feeling low today, and was cheered up by reading the lovely comments on my blog postings.

Ian’s coming down to Cornwall for a few days and we’re catching up tonight. I am actually looking forward to seeing him, although I know it will probably be easier not to. Seeing him may stir up my emotions and maybe bring back the hurt. But he’s coming down as a friend not a lover and hopefully it’ll be ok. I’m going to be strong.

Anyway I’m feeling pretty brain dead, which is my own fault, so it’s only a short posting. Now I’m not doing work experience, I will be back to posting more regularly again.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Tamsin's all grown up

You’ve been hearing about if for weeks, and now it’s finally here, I’m officially old. I now have a twenty year old daughter. She’s no longer a teenager. We’ve just been out for a meal in a supposedly posh restaurant. The service was great, but apart from a couple of good choices, over all the food was disappointing. Poor Tamsin didn’t go much for any of her food, and it was her birthday. I was careful, but knew the diet was off the cards for the day.

I’m quite disappointed how I’m doing on my diet. I’ve been eating on average about 1400 calories a day, and it’s got easier to keep my calories down, as I’ve gone along. I’ve always been interested in nutrition, and I’ve also been making sure I include all the foods groups I need within that calorie count. The problem is for the past few weeks I haven’t seemed to lose any weight.

Since about a year after my initial breakdown, I’ve wondered whether maybe I have a thyroid problem (an under active thyroid). One of the functions of the thyroid is enabling cells to covert oxygen and calories into energy. Symptoms of an under active thyroid include fatigue, depression, and weight gain. My mental state seems to be linked with getting really tired, when I get too tired I’ll get really low. There sometimes doesn’t seem to be any other link, other than that the tiredness triggers the depression.

The fact that I’m not losing weight seems to reinforce this feeling of mine. I am being really strict, and even if I eat a couple of squares of chocolate I will work out the calories. I’ve been quite obsessive. I weigh everything. I work it all out very thoroughly every day. So I should be losing weight, but I’m not. I have had a couple of blood tests to check my thyroid, which hasn’t confirmed my theory, but the levels of thyroid hormone fluctuate, and I don’t believe these tests are conclusive.

I’m going to mention it again the next time I see the doctor.

Anyway I have an adult in the house, and she's currently snuggling up with her boyfriend watching a dvd, while I'm in bed with my laptop (sounds excitng doesn't it). She had a bit of a party night, last night, to celebrate her birthday. As it's such a small town, the Open mic night affects the whole town and apart from the weekend Wednesday is the night to go out.

I think she had a good day.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Meg's migraine

I was going to write on my blog yesterday to say don’t expect much of me this week, as I’ve been so shattered. I’ve been doing work experience and in two days have been to a brilliant Organic media fair, about local inspiring organic businesses, and written up two articles. When I’ve got home I’ve not been capable of doing anything much.

Today didn’t go quite so well, it started off ok, as I fine polished the articles, and chased up a quote or two. However I then started research for an article, which an hour later found out had been double booked, and someone else was doing it. So I was given the other part of the feature which is all about Green homes. I didn’t really mind, because I had to verify quite technical stuff about Volatile Organic Compounds released from paints, and the amount of toxic waste there is from the production of paint. It was interesting, but I don’t have a very technical mind. I prefer the new piece I’m doing, it’s more me.

So I had just about started when I got a call from Megs, in a very distressed state, she was feeling sick, was shaky, and had a terrible headache. She was crying so much I could hardly hear what she was saying, and she was having trouble speaking. Panic stations, trouble was even if I left right away I was over an hour away, and she needed someone to be there with her till I got back. I rang Tamsin (who’s 20 tomorrow), and was out getting a birthday tattoo, but she hadn’t been yet and was in Newquay. I rang my friend but she wasn’t in, and her mobile went to voicemail. So I rang Megs who had just been sick, and said I would be there as soon as possible. I actually got back in five minutes over an hour. I didn’t speed but the roads were pretty clear. Total guilt trip all the way back, what kind of mother am I to leave a 14year old daughter at home etc. Even though she’s completely capable of looking after herself, and normally happy to, as she can have friends round without mum about, the guilt still eats into you. Guilt is a completely useless emotion.

Megs looked awful, there was no colour in her face she was cold and clammy, and when she did try and speak she couldn’t get her words out. She was sick again as I came in, but she said the worse thing was her head. I got a cold wet flannel for her head, but couldn’t give her any painkillers because she was feeling sick. There wasn’t much I could do, I kept changing the flannel. She unfortunately does suffer from headaches, and this seemed like an extreme migraine. When her right hand went numb, and then the whole arm, I decided to call the doctor. I asked, if was possible to speak to a doctor over the phone as there was no way I would be able to get her into the surgery. I was put through to the doctor on call, I described the symptoms, he talked to Megs on the phone, who was clearly having trouble talking, and then said he would come right over. He was here in 10 minutes. I was amazed but very grateful.

After questioning and checking her out really thoroughly, he decided to give her a couple of injections, one for pain relief and one to stop her feeling sick. It was a migraine; apparently you can get numbness in the body with migraine. The problem is Megs has had a problem with needles, the dentist had to send her to a hospital dentist to be given gas, before she can have an injection. She has tried twice to get her ears pierced, but not been able to. She was so out of it, I thought she might be able to do it this time, or at least think it would be worth it to stop the pain and sickness. Unfortunately at the first sight of the needle she couldn’t do it.

The only other alternative was suppositories, so the doctor wrote me out a prescription. He was here at least half and hour, which I was grateful for. However even though he was the on call doctor, he still had patients with appointments to see him while he was out. Which in my eyes, is another example of a failing NHS. See previous posting (lack of communication within NHS).

Luckily Tamsin was back, the tattoo shop was closed, so I was able to go down to pick them up. She had settled a bit, and wasn’t sure at first whether she wanted the suppositories. I don’t blame her, do you? I just wrote I didn’t want to push it, meaning I didn’t want to pressurize her, and it made me laugh, but you know what I mean. She dosed on and off for a bit and then was sick again, so she decided to let me administer them (nicest way to put it). Within 15 minutes she was sick again, and then sat up saying she was feeling better. She didn’t look so out of it. Since then she’s slept on and off, her head was still hurting but not enough to stop her sleeping.

A few hours later
The pain killer suppository has worn off, and although she’s not as out of it as she was earlier, she is feeling sick again and her heads feeling very painful. I’m not going to go in tomorrow, there’s no way I can leave her. So I also have the guilt trip, about not managing to stick at a work placement. I am going to work on the article tomorrow in the day, and will actually probably get more done at home, but I am sure I will need to go in an extra day next week, to get everything finished and gather enough information for my Industry analysis. So far I’ve been so involved in the work, I haven’t been able to learn much about how the whole process of managing and producing their magazine. The only problem is I have so much work to do for Uni, it breaks into the time I have to do that.

Whatever happens my children come first, and if I’m not able to hand in complete versions of my assignments, as long as I can catch up before they are handed in for assessment, it’s not a big problem. The only assessed pieces, due in 2 weeks are the Industry analysis, and the website which is now online.

Megs is sleeping in with me tonight, I think its going to be a long one.